At the spur of the moment

The clouds are parting in the horizon, giving a picture perfect scene that you can only see in paintings. The gray one hovering above the slightly Aqua tarnished skies; and just right below it, the mountain ranges are standing in all their glory amid the apparent gloom. From where I am sitting, squinting my eyes to see more clearly, the green blanket of forests (I presume) are waving at me.

How ironic, I think. Tall skyscrapers are blocking this only view of serenity from my office window.

The white clouds are at a losing end, yet still fighting. I am rooting for them. I hate the gloom. I have this crazy notion that more often than not, the weather dictates my mood. And this morning is a testimony. I woke up all cranky at the sound of the rain lashing at my window. It was an angry pour and I was as mad as hell.

Just a bit later, the white clouds appear to be winning. Now, that’s quite a gap that separates the dark clouds from the mountains (about three-fourths of my thumb now). A few minutes more and the sky is completely azure. No traces of the darkness that enveloped it just less than an hour ago. It’s like witnessing how good can win against evil; it’s fascinating. And the mountains are boasting of the triumph as now, their majesty is all visible.

An-niong i kha-sae yo Oppa Jae Won! =(

My 'ngangabunch' is going on his mandatory military service for two years! I have to go cold turkey 'coz I wouldn't see him doing movies / soaps / no nothing on the Korean tube for quite a while. Oh, well...


Found this news on dramabeans.com:
Army duty calls for Kim Jae Won

27 candles

I was supposed to blow this number of candles to celebrate my life in all the years that I've been here - struggling, trying very hard to make a sense out of it. This year, as I am one step closer to the last digits of the calendar, I think now I get it. =)

I had another yet simple means to celebrate this borrowed life and remind myself that I am truly blessed to be enjoying what God's creation has to offer... flu - and all sorts of illness I didn't know I have - and all.

Yes, I am still sick. Ever since my muscles were beaten black and blue at last Sunday's activity and the three-day visit from mr. nasty flu virus, I've been suffering from stomach pains and I am still chickening out to see a doctor to my father's dismay. I don't know why but I just don't want to.

Anyway, I think I have a lot to be thankful for this year even though at times, I am almost convinced that I am stagnant and nothing special ever happens. I haven't done anything about my 'plans' yet; I haven't bought something that I would really call an investment; I haven't enrolled in anything that would give me new learning. But now that I think about it, a lot of things have in fact, came my way that in one way or another brought me joy and pain, made me feel loved and needed (and sometimes hated), and other realizations which proves that hey, I am actually human. And the blessings just keep on coming more than the occasional 'sad' moments which I always thought would be the end of me.

I don't know yet but I think I am heading the right direction. Wish me luck!

And for my 27 candles, this is what I am thankful for: (not in order - 'coz I am still trying to have a sense of it)

1. My faith in my God, my savior still being in-tact and the thirst to know Him more.
2. Mom and pop still together after all the years of bickering (and I know the fact that they are one of those rare couples who are still in-love *gagging*)
3. My friends, though not too many, who are always right around the bend, ready to share and to listen.
4. I love my job (you know what I mean by this!)
5. I am earning sufficiently thus, I can help my family.
6. I am not that healthy and I tend to get sick easily but here I am, still alive =)
7. The mornings when I open my eyes and realize that I have another chance to witness a miracle.
8. The people around me who, without their knowledge, are giving me life's greatest lessons.
9. My living and breathing stuffed toys / stress-reliever - our pets Miyo Kun and WonBin-shi.
10. I am too young to be an EIC but who cares, I am embracing the responsibility.
11. NFF! (new found friends)
12. My music which sometimes tells me exactly what to do.
13. My coffee indulgence everyday.
14. That I get to visit places (albeit occasional)
15. That I 'speak' through writing =)
16. People who never forgets.
17. my internet connection. (haha... sorry, but I really am thankful for it!)
18. The mistakes I made from which I learned.
19. The bruises that have healed and those which are just mending.
20. That I am loved and cared for and I feel that it is truly overwhelming.
21. That I am capable of loving and forgiving.
22. I am no longer angry...(err.. still workin' on it but gettin' there)
23. My kuya and ate who are practically my 'horcruxes' =)
24. A place that I can call home (kahit na lagi kong nilalayasan)
25. The realization that the world is not as harsh as it seems.
26. The quiet moments with myself.
27. The scary but altogether exciting tomorrow. =)


v(^_^)v

Sick again!

I still feel a little funny. I still feel nauseous whenever I stand up and I still get a huge kick whenever I attempt watching television or looking at my laptop's monitor. (Note: I look like a complete git as I am wearing my sunglasses while typing this).

It really sucks to be sick. I was mostly horizontal than vertical in the last three days. And the worst part of it - I haven't had a decent meal (and a bath!) although I've been having quick sponge baths to my mom's dismay.

I guess, I really got it from the running thing. Forget about being a pro... pros don't get sick. Argh.

It makes me feel bad being sick a day before I turn older. It makes me feel older and helpless and... older. Single and older. Ayshh.

I guess I need to rest (again!) if I want to get well for real.

Goodnight y'all.

Running like a pro for Mother Earth (Takbo Para Sa Kalikasan 2009)

I barely slept two hours and I already had to wake up at the sound of my sister's voice calling from outside my window at 2:30 in the morning. Right, it was the 'Takbo Para Sa Kalikasan' day and we had to be at the Quirino Grandstand by 4 in the morning. Which pissed a little part of me when I learned that the actual run wouldn't happen until 6am. I should've slept more.

And so, a few minutes before 4am, I was already ogling Rizal's statue at Luneta and having my photo taken at the Kilometer-0 mark. It was still very dark and yet, there were surprisingly some crowd gathering here and there - some families who would probably spend their day in Luneta and some joining the run.


The program started at dusk and while half the world was still probably in slumber, the grandstand was already full of people - about a thousand or so - dancing and prancing to the sound of two (or more) amazingly large boom boxes. The scene reminded me a little of Raon and Recto. I have never seen so many guys in very short running shorts already bordering on skimpy that looking at them actually harrasses me at a certain point. There were all sorts of people - families, friends and peers, the coast guards and the police forces, government officials, and TV personalities (not star struck this time!) such as the likes of vice president Noli De Castro, Cory Quirino and Ted Failon.


A stocky guy... scratch that... gay, led the warm ups which appeared more like dancing-while-on-drugs as it required the shameless thrusting of your hips and of your torso more than the normal stretching. But the runners looked like they were having the time of their lives so, why not? I decided I'll take photos instead.


The runners were divided into three groups based on the distance that they would be completing - 3 km (up to Pedro Gil and back), 5km (up to Quirino Ave. and back) and 10 km (Cuneta Astrodome and back). Since the start and finishing points were at the grandstand, we just had to go around after reaching the designated marks. My sister registered us at the 5km line and I had the sudden notion that I would be going back in an ambulance. I am not a very sporty person and I haven't had exercise in a long time. I don't do morning jogging, I don't do yoga and I am even too lazy these days to do some stretching and sit ups on my own bed. And so it wasn't really a surprise that even before we got pass the mighty cow statue, I was running out of breath and my legs felt funny already.

But overwhelmed by the fact that this was my first time to join a marathon, I vowed to finish the course no matter what. And so, I ended up running-slash-brisk walking-slash-plain walking on my own (since my sister stops every ten seconds). By the time I reached the 3km mark, I was almost tempted to cheat and turn around to go back. But I was too eager to prove something to myself and beat the lazy and the weak Thet in me. So despite the growing pain on my side (apendix almost raptured), the leg cramps, the shortness of breath and panting, and the occassional unsolicited side comments from some rowdies who were running alongside of me, I finished the course. Yey! My reward? Two bottles of Mineral water, a bottle of Pocari Sweat (which I didn't take because it practically tastes like, well, sweat!), a dry hotdog sandwich (from my sister's team) and a pair of legs which refuse to work & walk normally. I was too hungry and I ache all over (especially my left hip) but I was too happy and pleased with myself. Plus, I ate / drank Taho and at that time, it's the most delicious food I ever tasted. My sister came after a few minutes looking dead beat tired as hell as me. The marathon and the program ended around 8:30.


Since we were already in Luneta and that was our first time again in years to visit the place, we decided to walk or more like limp around the park. Wow, it surely is chaotic on a Sunday. There were all sorts of people doing all sorts of activities - dance aerobics, taichi, kite flying, picnic, lounging around on the grass (which smells like dog poo), playing badminton, playing chess, people watching, sleeping... seemed like everybody is busy being themselves and it felt nice to see that. We went inside this Chinese Garden which, yea, looked like the hang out place of chairman Mao and Confucius during their time. We walked some more around the fountains, took some more photos despite my protesting camera being almost battery empty, indulged in the beauty of Manila's morning (and surprisingly clear) skyline, and finally hailed a cab home.


I had fun doing this activity and I am looking forward for more. Probably next time, I'll go climbing the mountains to plant some trees. =)

More photos here.

In mourning

It's amazing how death can make you realize how wonderful life is, albeit borrowed.

Some photos taken during my uncle's funeral... I didn't like to put the sad ones though. I wanted to remember him as the cheerful and strong guy who lived his life providing for his family.

I want to do away with the MEAN in me.

Today I tried not to be angry.

I just had a sudden realization that I've been torn away from my happy self for who knows how long already and it is causing me nothing else but misery. I used to be that person who can laugh as if it was the last and spend the day just being nice. I can't even recall when I started being a monster. Six months ago? One year? Two years?

Yes, I used to be nice. I was way far from the mean person that I am right now. I always have a smile on my face and I can be cheered even by the most 'corny' remarks that you could think of. A cup of coffee could make my day along with a nod / nudge from a friend.

I was happy.

Now, thinking about how I miss that pure happiness makes me want to cry. What happened to me?

I was too immersed in my own web, not thinking about others. I became a little superficial and arrogant. I felt that if others didn't need me in their lives, why the hell would I need them in mine? Only to find out that life will not be complete with only you alone in it. I became the 'mighty snapper'. I'd snap at anyone who crosses my path (especially at work) and bring out that shield - the invisible armor - with a creeping paranoia that others would probably want to get close and be friends now but they will leave even before I blink. I guess I was just tired letting people in my life and missing them too much when they are gone. But nobody says they are; I just thought that.

Now I realized, I am shutting people out even before they come in my life. That's the sad part. And I want to change that. It's difficult to say but I will try it. I will be happy again.

When is 'good enough' good?

Where is that thin line separating 'good enough' from 'extraordinary'?

This person I know said it's there, barely visible and often goes unnoticed - especially by people who limit themselves and refuse to go over the boundary.

But what if, extraordinary is an oxymoron of life and I choose not to be anywhere near it? Extraordinary is not 'good' at all times. It is pretentious; a coward hiding behind the facet of power. Extraordinary is arrogant, boastful and proud. It shines the brightest and it tends to blind people.

I don't like anything extraordinary. No, scratch that... I hate extraordinary.

'Good enough', on the other hand, is an old tale that rots with history. Sadly. Those who are JUST 'good enough' are forgotten. But they are, to my belief, those who lived life to its fullest. 'Good enough' is meek and humble but is never lazy.

It is contented - the way people should be.

Tweet tweet tweet

Finally on Twitter...

My one-liner whatnots... v(^___^)v

Say what you gotta say...

God, help!

I feel a little confused and sad that I sometimes feel like what 'that' they call as a 'floating' Christian.

If there's any thought that I hate entertaining, it is ME questioning my own faith in God. I love the Lord with all my heart and I feel a very strong yearning for Him and yet sometimes, I still feel I am going astray.

These days, I haven't been going to the church. And there is this nagging feeling. But weird enough, I feel liberated and happy. I sometimes can't really understand what my mind is dictating my senses. I don't know if it is WRONG but I don't feel RIGHT at all (sometimes) when I am there. Probably wrong but I have this feeling that I can be closer to GOD in my own way. I am letting myself drawn closer...

I've given my heart, I surrendered my all to God and I think that is what's important. For now, I can only pray.

Trip to Quiapo

What better way to spend Valentines than having a field day in Quiapo, Binondo and finally, good old Divisoria. Last Feb. 14, while probably half the world is busy 'glamming up' for Happy Hearts Day, me, my sister and her hubby were going through the streets of Quiapo, getting our feet dirty (it was rainingfor a while) while hoarding good 'ol reliable and shockingly cheap dvds.

It's amazing how something 'illegal' can seem so appropriate. Nyarks... did I just say that? I was able to buy six new movies (Milk, Revolutionary Road, Slumdog Millionaire - this one's surprisingly awesome, Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, Changeling & The Secret Life of Bees) for only Php200. Nope, haven't watched them all yet! I also bought the complete season of Smallville, thus, my current Clark Kent re-addiction (was before but I got tired of watching Lana Lang collecting boyfriends) and some (as usual) Korean novelas.

Note how my sister's hubby looks like he could disappear right there and then 'coz of too much embarrassment. =)

From Quiapo, we walked along the cramped streets and narrow alleyways until we reached Carriedo, Sta.Cruz and passed through a lot of Jewellery shops in Ongpin. This photo I 'borrowed' from Nostalgia Manila and the photo I've taken using my ever-reliable KRZR cam phone shows that nothing's changed at the Plaza Goiti (Carriedo), except the fountain in the middle and probably, the stench.

Fun day all in all and I wouldn't trade it for a cozy 'date' at a coffeeshop... =)

Valentines (again)... oh well...

The blueprint isn't laid out openly as I wished it to be. The future is still looking bleak, if there is anything really. And I don't see it happening so soon. Oh well...

***

Valentine's eve and I am spending the night with Mark Haddon (A Spot of Bother is hilarious... read it!), contemplating on consuming this unopened chocolate bar from my unnichan and her hubby and a sweet greeting card (again, from them). Our annoying neighbor is keeping the whole neighborhood awake, singing his equally annoying rendition of Rey Valera's classics. Just because it's valentines, you freakin' arse, still don't have the right to murder these songs and our eardrums, you fat bug!

Seriously, I am annoyed to infinity.

I went home *extra* early today 'coz I don't want to be caught up amidst floating flowers, *extra* snoggly couples, traffic, *extra* snoggly couples, more floating flowers and traffic. U-huh. Oh shut up, I am being bitter, I know.

This whole being single thing doesn't really help. Hypocrisy aside, there's just one question in my mind during this so-called time of the year: "Why the hell am I single?!?" But the day after, I wake up happy again and loving myself even more. And the moment I open my eyes, I still can say, 'You rock God!'

I thought I ought to give myself a little something this year... if no one would do it for me, I'll do it for myself. =)

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end... (Anonymous says)

Down right pathetic.

This guy I know from way back then.

He made me hate myself for quite some time. And I mean, for a long long time. And I kind'a hate myself more when I look back at how stupid I was or how he made me look like one at least.

It wasn't my fault I plummeted head straight and totally lost my mind. He was the picture of perfection and I could only see or chose to see one side of him. He seemed kind and nice and just that person who would sweep you off your feet and catch you when you swoon. To some extent, he was but then the 'jackass' side became more and more apparent.

Those crazy things I did seemed more pathetic now when I think about it. I thought it was cool letting the whole world know that you are head-over-heels with someone. At that time, it felt like I had some sort of power that I could practically say and do everything that I want and it wouldn't bother him that much. Because I felt like he owes me something for liking him. It didn't occur to me that he might not like the attention. Or he simply just didn't care.

And just because I loved his smile (or practically everything about him), I chose to ignore the fact that he wasn't really smiling for me. I totally overlooked the fact that he didn't even look at me when I talk, that he deliberately turns his attention to something else hoping probably that I would just scram and spare him the agony.

That at that time, I pathetically embraced everything that he likes. From our common interests like music, to the things that were pretty much alien to me. The effort wasn't even worth five cents. What's good about that is I've discovered some things that remained embellished on my being despite the fact that everything' about me and him (there was never an 'us') is all in vain right now.

As much as I don't like to regret, I regret knowing him. I regret the fact that I let him trample silently on me. I was a waste and I didn't deserve that. If only I could go back, I would take back what I said or what I did.

It didn't 'rock' at all. Not one bit.

(On why the sudden rantings about this guy, I have no idea. It's as if I woke up and thought about it all day with no particular reason whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, I've long been awaken from that slumber; he just popped in all of a sudden!)

This is me and my God

I'm feeling 'lost' again... but somehow I know He found me.

'WonBin and Me'

I just finished 'Marley and Me' and my face is still a little tear-stained. The movie is a typical story of humans getting too attached to their pet dog and how it made an impact (or in that case) built their lives. It was nothing out of the ordinary except that it has my ever-favorite Owen Wilson in it (starring with Jen Aniston). Oh, and Mc Steamy (Eric Dane) is also there, playing - as usual - a man whore who is friends with Wilson.

Marley is an exceptional dog - a big bundle of rugrat which actually reminded me of our very own deranged and miserable mongrel WonBin. They are very much alike, I would say. They both chew everything they come across with- edible or not. Marley's preference are furnitures, while WonBin thinks shoes and slippers are a foodfest. They are both big; as in human tall big when they are standing up. They both don't listen to their humans and they are both afraid of thunder and loud noises. The big difference is Marley can be around people while WonBin just simply cannot. He isn't trained and he only knows five people in his life - my family. He's the type which would literally bite anyone who comes near him.

As a matter of fact, he's bitten about four or five already and we almost gave him up for it. The last one was when he chewed on my brother-in-law's leg just a few weeks ago. My mom especially would always say that there is no good in keeping him and had already planned on taking him to the dog pound a couple of times. But obviously, whatever's left of their affection for WonBin got the best of them and gave him another chance.

Sometimes I think he has a mind of a human. He's a a sensitive 'little' prick that wjhen you ignore him he'll get mad and try to get you for it, either by 'pretending' for days that he doesn't know you and growl at you, or take a piss at you. He surely knows how to take revenge.

WonBin isn't really my dog although I was the one who bought him. He's my little brother's. Vinz is his human, not me but I love him just the same. And while watching Marley (Spoiler Alert!) die in the end, I thought about how I would feel if we lose him. To think that I already somehow prepared myself about that dog pound thing. Now that I think about it, I would surely cry if ever that happens. He's just about just three years old and it looks like he has a lot more years to go. I just hope he'd stop biting people.

Now, I'm sure about one thing: dogs - they can really make people cry.

First month gone

Exactly 15 days...

I promised myself I'd always keep my blogs (yep, all of 'em) updated but I could not keep my word. I was too preoccupied characterizing the term 'busy'. When I think about it, I have been so far at my busiest. Some might criticize me for this... Aba e, kelan ba ko hindi naging busy?

Our new magazine project is to blame. Don't get this all wrong; I am definitely not complaining. Believe it or not, I am falling in-love with my job all over again... or at least I am trying to. It's a good thing, right? With the unemployment rate climbing up and the left and right retrenchment even amongst the biggest of companies, I guess I am pretty lucky to have this job. It's not something to brag about. I wouldn't really dare, especially considering the kind of working environment I have and that sunnov-a-gun *bleep* for a *bleep*. You have no idea.

It's February 01. Time is wheezing past me but, surprisingly, I am still able to manage. *Big Smile* I've been missing a lot of people but I'm not sure if they miss me as much (haha) As much as I abhor 'change' because I am the type of person who tends to be very attached to the current situation and I kind of lose myself when the paradigm tilts, I am learning to live with it. Wow, nagma-mature na yata ako.

The other day, I went on a 'Field Trip'. I would call it that because it felt like it. My friend K who's based in Singapore sent me 'Shokubutsu' (a body wash which I am fond of calling Zashikibutsu) after I begged her for it since I couldn't really find any here in RP. I had to go to 'Jollibee Kalentong' to meet her friend's maid who kept texting me for three consecutive days, asking me to get my 'lotion'. To make the very long and tiring story short, I fought my way to to the meeting place through the ever-chaotic MRT (a complete nightmare, I nearly fell down the train tracks because people were pushing) and rode a jeep which I had no clue whatsoever where it was really going. Plus, may bonus pa - (forgive me for this) the driver smells. Promise, naiintindihan ko naman na maghapon nang namamasada si Manong at pagod na siya, pero naman... no exag pero siguro because I was so tired, I think I puked a little in my mouth and I swallowed it. Sorry, kadiri.

Ironically, I had fun with my little adventure. It was like one of my trips where I had to ask for directions, or sometimes, be stubborn and just follow my gut feel only to feel stupid because I could've asked anyway. I passed by my high school but I didn't see it much because it was dark already. I passed by Sta. Ana bridge and St. Francis - the very familiar places which reminded me only of my highschool friends. Nice - the feeling =)

Then today, I am glued to my laptop, deciphering InDesign and Photoshop. I am practicing with graphics design and layout because I'll be needing them a lot in the next few days. And, just because I want to learn. Here's a sample:

Cropped it from one of our group photos and used a background which I 'stole' from a Korean catalogue... I think I blurred the edges too much. I used some rendering like lens flare and lighting effects... naks!

Gray as Grey's Anatomy

My head is throbbing like crazy and I am wondering for the -nth time why the sleeping bug still fails to kick in despite the fact that it's already half past one in the morning and I am dead beat tired.

Less than 30 minutes ago, me and my sibs were at the hospital (that darn expensive one in Makati) because our stupid dog attacked Mike, my sister's hubby, and we had to bring him in the emergency for first aid and anti-rabies injection. Of all the time in the world, Won Bin chose to chew on Mike's legs when all the world's creatures are just about to go to sleep... haay.

Anyway, it was my first time again in years to be inside the emergency unit of a hospital and I had the sudden urge to watch Grey's anatomy at the very moment. But what I saw were way far from McSteamy and McDreamy and not even close by an inch to SGH. Oh, well... that's why it was meant to be seen by me only in tv. What the hell am I thinking anyway?

It was depressing and fascinating at the same time. While some people are fighting to live, with a disturbing number of tubes attached to their helpless and almost lifeless bodies, some even can find time to look 'glamorous' and 'wealthy to be worthy' to be a patient in that hospital. WTF. Like this lady who has a cast on her arms, looking at people as if she's trying to weigh in her mind if the next person is 'capable' if you know what I mean. I wanted to spit on her cast.

I don't even know why I am blabbing here about her. I guess she (or at least the look on her face) really got on my nerves.

I need to sleep. I got to sleep.

Reality bites but it doesn't make me bleed

People always seem to have different POVs (point of views) but sometimes it still doesn't fail to amaze me how the degree of differences can be so widely stretched amongst individual that you'd think, they've been on the opposite sides of the ring from the very beginning.

I don't know if I am the one being cynical here. All I wanted was to be as close to reality as it can get. Or maybe, I'm the one who's really letting go of my grip to it.

What is wrong with living your life the way it is meant to be? I am not really a fan of all that 'pre-destined' crap but I just couldn't see myself running after my fate. Especially now that I seem to be in the middle of a chaos that could not be arranged in a whim.

Well, if I am really letting go of reality, blame me, sue me, hurt me. Then, probably, I'd feel better... I'd feel a-okay. If this is growing up, I wouldn't want it. I want to stay like this forever.

***

I hate it but I am hurting now. Not that suicidal-agonizing hurt but just plain hurt. I'm beginning to believe that I am starting to lose people. Some here, some there. Some indirectly and some, just plain jerks who are actually so stupid when I think about it. (Imagine the nerve of this guy!)

But hey, it's too early this year to feel that. I lose some, I gain some.

I still am feeling positive and I surely want to smile more than I frown. After all, this life is still pretty as I want it to be. =)

Holiday Drama

I haven't really been in front of my monitor since my sister's wedding ('coz I had to do their AVPs), much less blog and surf the net since I posted my last entry here. It's not that long but a lot of drama has took over my life in that short span of time. My fingers have been itching to write them all down but I guess I just couldn't find the time. Actually, this holiday break gives me all the time in the world without the hassle of thinking about work but I am actually resolved to putting it all to waste... tsk... bad...

This is the first time in months (or years) that I have felt rested yet tired and anxious and oblivious to the ticking of the time. It seems like all I want to do is stare at space and make my mind wander off to somewhere far where I could practically smell the breeze and count the stars.

What I'm saying is, I haven't done anything productive in the ten days that I've been away from work (I'm counting since the 18th where I took a half day leave and never showed my face in our office until the Christmas party last Monday, 22nd). I've been dead for three days (pardon the morbidity but I was really almost... details later).


Always a Maid of Honor, But When Will I Be the Bride?

Oh, cut the BullSh*t! I've been MOH only twice in my life and it both happened the latter part of this year. First last October at my highschool bff (hah!) Elizabeth's wedding and about a week ago at my sister's wedding. Never a Bridesmaid... always the MOH but as the nagging question goes: When will I be the bride?

Don't get me wrong. I am not asking myself this and I am no hurry at all. But a lot of people (especially my clan!) seem to be haunted by the very idea of my single-ness more than me. And the pressure is on! I mean ON like a flickering sign post at some random gay bar in Malate or that light bulb that used to inhibit Einsten's brain. I've never been pressured about my LOVElife (if I have any) and I am getting tired of it. It's like having that dream where I wear that wedding gown I fancy and I keep on running, only to find myself that I'm not really running from anyone but instead, I am running on a threadmill. It's really frustrating and tiring.

Pardon the exaggeration but I've perused all the fingers in both my hands and feet on the number of times that I've been asked on when would it be my turn. My grandma, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my friends, our neighbors, some people I don't even know and probably, my cat Miyo and dog Wonbin, if only they could talk. And believe me, I am almost a pro in ducking this dreaded question every time some a** comes up to me and starts with the "So, Thet..." line. I've only got three answers: 1) "After ten years"; 2) "Nagpapayaman pa 'ko" (Not until I'm filthy and disgustingly rich); and 3) "I don't know" (followed by a smile and a disappearing act even before the person can come up with a follow-up banter). I've programmed myself to blurt these three out whenever needed and in no particular order. It's like whatever pops in my head comes out of my mouth and the way I deliver them depends on who asks. They may come with a smile, a smirk, a rolling of the eyes, a shrug... whatever.

And I always get the same response: "Aha-ha..ha!" As if something like that is something to make fun of. It's not funny. Darn insensitive schmucks.

I'm not bothered I tell you. I am just tired (of it) and when you are tired, you can get easily annoyed and you tend to see flashbacks of not so good memories and it eats up half of your functioning brain and then you go... flatline.

What I WAS really sad about is the feeling that my sister has been taken away from me. It's silly I know because she wasn't but that was how it felt at first. We've been too close and I am so used to having her around me and her quirky weird little habits and I am missing them all big time. Like, when I wake up, I've had this habit of looking up at her side of the room and waking her up with a hug or a tickle or snuggling with her only to annoy her. I miss her teeth-grinding and snoring which used to piss the hell out of me. Hell, I even miss her passing gas and burping habits early in the morning. (Sorry ate, never meant to diss your yucky habits... hehe!) All I can think of now is that I'm free of those and her hubby has to bear it all... bwahaha!

But a week into her marriage and my being solo in the room, I guess I'm getting that hang of things. I haven't touched any of my stuff and I haven't re-arranged it in time for the new year but I will. Plus, have I mentioned, they live in a room that my mom used to rent out to others just below mine? =)


26 and Still A 'Stokwa' (Stow Away)

Yup. I ran away again. But I am back now, obviously.

I told you that this holiday was nothing but drama for me. My mom and I had a row three days before Christmas and because of the burden I was fighting off inside me, my mind was in no condition to function so I resorted to the easiest way out. Drenched in tears, I packed my bags (three of them) and left home in the wee hours of December 23rd.

My destination? Victory Liner Pasay Terminal. I thought I could spend some time in the coolest place in the Philippines to cool off my steaming head. I was determined to go to Baguio.

So at about 4 in the morning, I was in line together with other chance passengers for the subsequent trips to my 'home' up north. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) all the trips were fully booked and the next available one wasn't until 11am. I was too numb to feel anything. I was swallowed by anger and frustration and at that time, I felt so uninhibited that if I had my passport with me, I could have gone straight to the airport and took whichever available flight to any destination in Asia. But a small part of me was banging my head, trying to keep it reasonable. So, I settled for Baguio and waited in line.

One hour. Two hours passed. Clad in that little blue dress I was wearing at the party I attended the night before, with my laptop [backpack] bag, mini duffel bag and handbag in tow, I stood there in line, crying my eyes out, not caring about anything in the world. I see people staring at me and I stare back. I was thinking but all those thoughts were nothing but messy jumbled snippets of what have and what would happen should I push through with my plan (if you could call it that). Where would I go there? Would there be any available hotel rooms? How long would I stay there? Can I really spend Christmas away from home, by myself, sad and angry?

Then the lady guard motioned for me to come forward and aboard the bus. Finally, I earned my seat! That was 6am already. But as if I was hit by a slap in the face, I shook my head and told her she could give my seat to somebody else. I will just wait. She obviously looked confused thinking why on earth would I give up that seat after two hours of standing in line. I can only smile and settle myself on a nearby table. Hugging my duffel bag tight, I just sat there for hours... maybe about two or three hours... not doing anything. Just sitting there and thinking. I didn't move once. I looked like somebody who just lost someone dear. Yes I did, I lost myself at that moment. I wasn't about to go home. I just decided not to push through with my Baguio plan.

The rest of this story is history. I wasn't suppose to go back home but my sister and her hubby fetched me wherever I was at that time and as if nothing happened, I spent the latter part of the day tiring myself out, shopping. No sleep whatsoever...

I went home late, looking totally messed up. I didn't talk for the next couple of days. I locked myself in my room, almost bed ridden, crying myself to sleep. I had no Noche Buena. I didn't greet anyone 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Holidays'. I immersed myself in my sorrow and it welled up pretty overwhelming. As I've told you, I felt dead.

Christmas day, I was asleep 'til 1pm... or at least I was pretending. I ignored the world outside. That is until my mom came up to my room and convinced me to get up. She apologized, I apologized and we made up. And I ran after Christmas. After all, it wasn't too late.


But it is pretty late now. Clock reads 3:50am. I must have missed blogging too much that I wrote yet another chapter in my novel.

Happy Holiday everyone! v(^_^)v

UP Naming Mahal... Going Back To Our Roots Part 2

And so, Day 1 of the Alumni Homecoming ended with such a sweet mark into it with the alumni (and the students) singing a heartfelt rendition of our 'UP Naming Mahal'. I was surprised I still know the lyrics... =)


The weather in Baguio was a bit unpredictable... Just as I was complaining that it wasn't that cold, I would eat my words two minutes later, while rubbing my hands like a maniac because I was almost freezing to death. I'm not used to the cold weather anymore *sigh*

We stayed until past midnight at the campus.. until the doors of Bulwagang Juan Luna closed. The experience was something really great that the mere fact that we spent the entire day (16 hours!!!) inside the campus was overwhelming.

***

Day 2

The day started around 10am as we went back to UP to just hang around while selling Tiki's stuff. But we didn't stay long as there's nothing much to do around the campus. Although we were secretly hoping that they would really serve something yummy for the 'Pond Lunch Picnic' which didn't push through anyway.


Highlights probably would be the trip to the new SC office and buying that cool souvenir jacket, a chat with Manang Mane while indulging on her 'mangga with bagoong' (her story's sad... I hope the UP Baguio students would continue fighting for her welfare), and.. sorry for this.. spying on my "crush" whom up to now, I don't have a clue of whatever his name is... grrr..


The homecoming celebration was soon over... we had to leave for lunch since the picnic didn't push through. It was sad leaving the campus 'coz I know it would take a while before I'll have the chance to come back. In my mind, I was blowing a goodbye kiss to my school and I am giving it a tight embrace. Just thinking about it now makes me miss it even more.

We, or at least I pigged out at the 'Bahay na Sawali' in SM. I would definitely recommend that place... food is great and the customer service is excellent. Then, we had to go for a break to run separate errands and just meet for the 'farewell' (?) dinner at Kat & Jang's place. Of course, my Baguio trip wouldn't be complete without visiting Kaffee Klatsch so we spent the last few remaining hours of the night there while harassing the beatboxer of the performing band that night... hehe... kidding.

Kaffee Klatsch night

And then, it was Sunday... I had to leave... again... I didn't want to leave... if that was even an option. But I know I'll be back...in a few months, years... who knows. All I know is that this was one experience I would forever remember... until that time when we look back at today as "once upon our UP Days."

UP Naming Mahal... Going Back To Our Roots

Since I came back last August from my trip to the highlands up north, I could not help but count the days until that day when I will be reunited with my dear old Alma Mater - the "hills that have been my home" during my college years, and of course, with my dearest friends whom without, my memories would just be a big black void.

Last Thursday, I cut my working hours short to catch the 1:15 coach that would take me to Baguio for this long-awaited moment. The bus ride was something between a torture and a craddle of peace as I rummaged through my thoughts for those memorable years which sadly, seem too elusive for my dingy memory. Torture because I just couldn't wait... I was staring out the window half the time, anticipating to witness the transformation of the lowlands to the majestic and overwhelming mountain ranges that signal that, alas, I was there. So near. So close to home.

Proud Alumnus

Action Commitment Solidarity!

Now, that was something that surprised me. I never considered Baguio my home or at least I never pictured myself living mi vida in this place. It's too nice, too unreal for me since I am used to the chaos called Manila. But after this trip, I found myself pondering upon a very different perspective. I thought, I could belong here. Somehow, I think I could.

Upper Canteen

We used to hold our BC 107 (?) in here

It was past seven in the evening already when the bus stopped at the PNR station. Without any pauses, I grabbed a cab and headed straight to Don Henricos in Session Road to meet my friends (Tiki, Kat and Jang - the last two are my Baguio poster parents... hehe.. and I haven't seen or talked to Tiki in ages!) for dinner. It was amazing how hearts were poured out and how words overflowed almost as if we never parted ways and half a decade of zero communication was put aside between Pizzas, fries and tap water.

Dinner at Don Hen with Tiki, Kat & Jang

The Alumni Homecoming was on a Friday. The familiarity of the school was really overwhelming that nostalgia came flooding in as soon as I saw Oble, glorious and never-changing. It was one of those moments when you want to just squeal and jump around and speak in a high-pitch excited tone regardless of who you are talking to. Registration started earlier than planned and we were among who were first in line. The registration fee was not bad at all considering that for Php500, you'll be given Lunch, PM Snacks, Dinner (and a supposed) After Dinner Snacks, a kit complete with souvenir items like T-shirt, key chain, program, IDs and some other things.

With our kits

With my terror teacher Sir Jimmy Fong... hehe

With 'Manang Mane'

Despite the fact that only very few showed up in our batch, the atmosphere was too festive; it didn't provide any room for mopping and complaining. After all, a lot of alumni came - mostly oldies whose student IDs go as far back as 1960-somethings. There was this group of men (batch 70s, i think) who came in pack, complete with 'uniforms' proudly displaying the insignia of their Fraternity. Something like that really makes me all excited. Me and my batchmates were saying in ten years, we should plan something like that - going in full force complete with matching jackets or shirts or some stunning clothing piece.

Batch '98 (kami na 'to pramis!)

The rest of the first day was spent eating, selling Tiki's merchandise, roaming around the campus, taking lots and I mean LOTS of pictures, spying on alumni eye-candies and (at least for me) fighting off the urge to hit someone (i wouldn't tell) Me and my friends decided to stay and ditch the Torch Parade. But the hilarious part was that Kat and I ditched 'Oblation Run' for a quick fangirl moment with Jericho Rosales who was singing his heart out in a mini concert in a make-shift stage beside the Convention Center. Tsk...

Oblation Run

Fireworks by Beta Sigma Fraternity

The program continued on until a little after midnight with singing, dancing, monologues, a skit with the Kidlat Tahimik, spying on our favorite professors and lotsa jumping due to the very very cold weather.

Our school, our pride =)

As we sang 'UP Naming Mahal' which signaled the end of Day 1 of the 'Alumni Homecoming', with that chilly breeze seeming to hum along with us, I realized how much I truly love my school and how thankful I am that I did not push through with my plan to transfer to Diliman during my Junior year.

***

More stories on my next entry. I am insanely sleepy right now and my left foot injury is not making it any better...

A nasty nasty 'prayer'

I was still feeling bad about work and as I was typing this, I thought of that one 'quote' I read from a bookmark in Bibliarch which I vowed would be my mantra now and forever. It goes something like:

MAY THE FLEAS OF A THOUSAND CAMELS INFEST THE CROTCH OF THE PERSON WHO SCREWS UP MY/YOUR DAY AND MAY THEIR ARMS BE TOO SHORT TO SCRATCH THEM. AMEN.

Haha. Sounds like a prayer to me. I can't help but smile when I think about it. So, whenever I feel bad about someone or I am just plain irritated, I muter this silent 'prayer' and I can't stop laughing afterwards. Bad, I know. But hey, just a little something to lift these dark clouds and silence the roaring thunder inside my head.

***
The "long" weekend did nothing great for me. My Lord Voldemort-personified of a... ermmm.. how do you call it... errr... boss (?) haunted me on my supposedly worry-free rest day/s. I received an email which was a cross between a 'nag' and a 'i'm-concern-so-go-move-your-ass-for-your-sake' litany from the dark lord and I must say, it didn't do me any good. Dang, I was petrified! Does he really expect me to do some magic? =/

I'm happy though that in-between my sanity lapses, I'm still able to think and act like a person. (I think... I am still here, writing a supposedly candid and innocuous blog). I still laugh when I need to and I can just shrug and flare my nostrils when the situation turns ugly.What makes me sad though is that, when you feel like really talking, you turn around and you can't find no one. So, there, keep your thoughts to yourself and experience the wrath of your delusions.

Again... mantra... mantra...