Gloom

I feel pretty bad today.
I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I feel disregarded. I feel Unimportant. I feel neglected.
I feel so unpretty; I feel like nobody likes me.
I feel like a trash, a dump, a garbage.
I feel so alone. I feel like an alien to this cold cold room.
I feel isolated. I feel totally all by myself.
I feel cold. I feel empty.
I feel death crawling inside me.

Kitten vs ChocNut

I need to sign up for Anger Management Sessions.

Just this afternoon, a little past lunch, my immediate superior and I re-lived World War II.

Yes, I was so angry I kind of raised my voice at him. We were arguing right in front of our bewildered colleagues. I guess it's a really bad thing to do - answer back to my superior. But I really just can't help it. He was already talking nonsense and I felt like he was questioning my capability when it comes to decision-making. I feel like he's over-exaggerating things and he's already making a habit out of complicating things, which, by the way, is one of the things I HATE the most.

Not to mention, all these Asian Quality stuffs (my looooooong list of things to do) are way way over above my head and the last thing that I need was him telling me what I should and should not do. It's unfair because I feel like he's not doing enough. Thus, I tend to question his capability to be a good example to me. How can the blind lead the blind? (although I am sure I am not)

But anyway, we sat and talked about it (in a more amicable tone). But really, I can't see the point. I admit I am wrong in answering back; i felt like I did not respect him. My bad. I didn't apologize though. Not prepared to do so.

The funny thing with him and me is that our arguments are becoming routinary. We talk then we argue. Then that's it... we walk off as if nothing happened. He says I am narrow-minded and I keep on blocking other's opinions. The way I see it, he's also like that. He listens to everybody's opinion but mine. I only present what I know is prevailing in the current publication practice; they aren't just my opinions. They're the reality. Then he says there will always be changes. For me, it's really simple: ba't ko papahirapan ang sarili ko?

Really, I just don't get what he's trying to implore.

Then, not to mention this really hateful guy who thinks he's God's gift to ECCI. The gap-tooth schmuck. HoldenGirl says it all.

This is a bad day.

SA WAKAS... AQ IS HERE!!!

YEHEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

ASIAN QUALITY MAGAZINE IS FINALLY OUT ...

wala, masaya lang ako...
pati si bear masaya...
kaming lahat masaya...

on the other hand, medyo (syempre) there are certain parts in the magazine that looks like sh*t... the quality of the print is not that good. As my friend Gela brutally puts it: Hindi siya mukhang international magazine. Hey, I'm talking about the quality of the print ha... not the content... grrr... (defensive)

the boss says: darn, he's now obliged to give me a raise... tee-hee... wish ko lang... sana di drawing... but of course, may mga premonitions na na mas magiging madugo ang second issue... wish me luck...

And so?

12:57 pm

Yes, it's Tuesday... lunchtime already but I haven't had a glimpse of Asian Quality yet... ginagalit yata talaga ko ng printer ah... grrr... Anyway, nothing to do but wait. I can practically hear Guns 'N Roses singing "All we need is just a little patienceeeee" (haaay Lord, if you're listening right now, just give me that... just this once... malapit na talaga akong sumabog)

***

Anyway, while lazily browsing the net (for blogs) I came across an old [estranged] friend's blog. It saddens me actualy to realize that it's been almost 2 (or 3 yrs?) since we last talked like friends. As she puts it: it's been long since she gave up our friendship to help her move on from a very unpretty experience with an old flame [which happens to be one of my best buddies].

I didn't even remembered her birthday like I used to. It's really sad. Though I still wish her all the happiness in life, every achievement that she deserves and finally, a peaceful and serene life with the people she loves even if it means completely cutting me off her life.

But I am thankful that somehow she remembers me, she misses our friendship like the way I miss it. I miss it terribly in fact that instead of going through the hurt all over again, I choose to shun it out of my thoughts. But then, fate lets me read this and I feel the hurt again. I miss her.

I remembered this last blog I wrote about her:

About an old friend (... i miss dearly)

Normally, i would care less about a whole lot of things that i know would not really do me any good. I harbored the idea when once in my life i got really pissed off at someone, got offended, cried like it would never end and felt like a total loser. Consequently, i got mad [at myself] for succumbing to that conquest and i promised myself i would never let it happen again. I want to be tough and forego that 'cry baby' i once used to be. As they say, "No more Ms. Nice Girl"

But being nice and being sensitive are two entirely different things. I can be mean but still be sensitive to the idea of me hurting people (although some people can really be intoxicated by an utter lack of disrespect of others like this queen bitch i know... die bitch... die!!! hehe.. sorry, got carried away). I hate the idea of hurting. I hurt before because of so many things; the usual experiences a person goes through (maybe once or twice) in his lifetime, which i am thankful for because they eventually made me more enduring and faithful. So where am i leading?

While lazily browsing the net, an old friend came into mind. She WAS my best friend. (or so she thinks because i haven't given up on her yet). This friendster thing really is something -- it fills the gap of estranged friends, re-builds burnt bridges or, in this one particular odd case, cut loose the thinning thread that trussed me and this old friend. It's hard (and too long) to explain how it did it, but it just did. I used to be angered by the tought of how it all started -- of how one single and absurd entry made her assume that i was turning my back on her. That i was taking sides, got brainwashed, lost my senses -- became a useless friend. I was so hurt it still stings up to now.

She said she had to cut any ties that bound us for her to move from an ugly past to a better life. She said it hurt her too but it just doesn't make any sense. I did not choose to be entangled in a web i did not create. I did not hankered after to be like 'Samson' wedged between those bashing rocks. It was like i was just caught in the middle of a warfare i did not wish to be a part of. I felt so helpless and offended, i didn't even had the chance to defend myself. It was like being left by a long-time boyfriend for another... guy (nah, i mean girl); Only ten times the pain. It was just -- like that.

Has it been a year now? I don't know... i lost track of time. A few months ago, while busy getting on with my life i saw her at the mall (with her mom). It was like seeing her for the first time (that time when we were still in highschool). i really didn't care if she saw me or maybe i was just pretending i didn't. I knew she saw me, even looked at me with a stranger's eyes, an inept glance that needs no words to say 'The hell i care about you!' The world seemed languid at that moment. Then she was gone. After about fifty seconds of self-debate, i decided i needed to talk to her. I am not that kind of friend who just gives up that easy… no, I am not prepared to loose a friend. i ran after her... i browsed the crowd, hoping crazily to spot a girl with that hot pink shirt. i looked everywhere and gave up eventually.

So much for my illusion that we will be alright. Maybe we will… but in another time. Not just now. I still think of her. I miss those times that we saw the world in one paradigm. Where our minds meet and we care much less about other people as long as we are happy. I often think about our usual girly rendezvous -- malling, [window] shopping, one time trip at the spa, plotting on how to conquer the world and other crazy dreams. We even had this one that we will be successful working girls in the land of Uncle Sam. Well, I guess those will just remain at that. But I still smile at those thoughts. I have nothing else but to wish her well and let her know how proud I am of her [surviving the roughest tests of time]. I know she’s well-healed now and I still love her for it.

And now i am living my life for all its worth. I am transferring to a new job, ready to meet people, new friends, while still keeping the old ones. I present myself to the world -- i need not hibernate. Life, it’s too damn short to waste.

Now, we go on with our lives as if nothing happened. I can tell she is happy and God knows how glad I am that she is. Me? I am still struggling -- with my career, with my lovelife, my spiritual life, my family. But I know I'll get there in time.

One thing's for sure, If I see her right now, I'd never hesitate to hug her.

I love you Tuesday (keeping my fingers crossed)

I wish it's Tuesday already... then the misery caused by the 1st issue of ASIAN QUALITY MAGAZINE will be over. Hopefully, the printer would be able to deliver them finally... I swear, my patience is running thin... If patience is a virtue, then it is a virtue I just don't have [well, when it comes to certain things...]

My weekend wasn't at all good. I was literally a bummer. I just didin't feel like doing anything except watch and finish one whole ChiNovela... pathetic life, is it? The printer actually spoiled my day by telling me they couldn't deliver by Monday (which is today). Bunch of schmucks... they don't know how many heartaches have I endured because of this magazine and I thought they could actually be of any help. Turns out, they're the last strike of bitter fate- the merciless one.

As much as I would like to wallow and self-pity and waste my energy complaining, I didn't dare to. It wouldn't make any difference at all anyway... the magazine wouldn't still arrive and it can't bring back any wasted time. So I must wait. As far as I know, I've exerted enough effort for AQ's maiden issue; there is nothing left to squeeze.

What I am worried right now is how to fill up the pages of the second issue considering that out of the 10+ writers that I've been pestering with follow-ups during the last couple of days, only two have stuck to the deadline. The others, Jah knows what happened to their articles. Nevertheless, I will make them suffer -- kukulitin ko sila!

It's just so annoying, some people can't get a clue. I'm really tired explaining [even to those who are not involve] where the magazine is right now. I was seriously considering putting a post in my workstation : "IF YOU'RE GOING TO ASK ME ABOUT ASIAN QUALITY, THINK TWICE, ELSE SUFFER THE REST OF YOUR ECCI LIFE" or "DO NOT DISTURB, BUSY WRITING HIT LIST".

What do you think?

Hay, stupid alzheimers!

Sh*t, I forgot that I have an interview at 10 this morning with Newslink Agency for the Writer / Editor position that I am applying for! Well, I guess it's goodbye Newslink... deep shite!!!!!

I forgot myself then I forgot you
But when I woke up it was never true....

Wala lang, that phrase just popped in my head like that [note: thet snapping her fingers].

Stupid alzheimers always gets me in trouble. I wonder if it's true: old folks used to say a person loses memory everytime he/she takes a peep of his/her bottom while pooping. Yuck no? Whoever came up with that theory is one sick bastard.

Based on experience, I would say Atkin's Diet really does affect one's memory. Take my case for instance: I didn't eat any food with carbs for eight straight days and I noticed I'm becoming more and more forgetful. Well, I know that's already given but at that time, I was at my worst. Explanation is : lack of carbs results to less secretion of glucose - a monosaccharide or simply sugar, the most important carbohydrate in biology. (since when did I became a Science enthusiast?) Sugar supplies energy to the brain and revs up cellular respiration. Thus, without it, our braincells would actually be weak (... daw, malay ko... narinig ko lang yang theory na yan). Anyway, I haven't actually heard someone credible confirm that theory. Nevertheless, I stopped my "Atkin's Diet" and just let "fats be my-fats". (^_^)

Bottomline is I'm pissed I, once again a prisoner of my own crude and unavoidable but equally hateful forgetfulness, let another opportunity slip right through my small hands.

How fitting can it get?

I feel like the world is falling.. just because of the same old issues that've been haunting me even in my sleep. The magazine isn't out yet and it's almost the middle of October. Really, I swear I hate putting the blame on somebody but it's me who's being there in the firing line everytime this magazine is being talked about... "Thet, when will the magazine come out... Thet, our subscribers are already questioning us... Thet, our advertisers are already asking..." Geez, I want a break!!!

When I finished the editorial content and the layout and whent it was approved, I thought my burden will be over... but hey, I was wrong... still half -stuck in deep sh*t... haay...

See what my horoscope says:

Try not to make more of this than there really is. It's very easy to get caught up in a 'The sky is falling!' mentality, but that doesn't help anything in the end. Feel the panic, let it pass, then get down to business.

Wish it's as easy as that... I don't wanna frown too long.

A Day with Jack Canfield (Who wants Chicken Soup?)

Hah! I never thought I could actually see the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" guy in person, lest snatch him for like ten minutes for an ambush interview and have a picture taken with him...

Thanks to my boss [on such rare occassions] I get to attend Jack Canfield's "Personal Excellence & Organizational Success" seminar this morning. Not that I'm a seminar or a conference sucker... in fact there were only two occassions when I attended such that I didn't snooze while at it... this one and Jim Clark's Breakthrough Sessions Seminar, which I attended last July. That guy was also really funny, you'd literally roll down your seats from too much laughing... a very good speaker.

Anyway, Mr. Canfield was super --- his talk was sooo motivating and I did actually enjoyed listening to it. I feel like I learned a lot and mushy as it may sound... I feel renewed (naks!) My goal: to collect all the books he authored... hehe... I wish... his book's pretty expensive but I think they're all worth the investment.

So it was funny, it was like an adrenaline rush... the 5 or 10 minute ambush interview actually turned into a good conversation, not scripted (take note). All in all, it's a nice (kind'a surreal) experience...

These are some of the quotes (mantras) Mr. Canfield mentioned during the seminar which really stuck to my head: (Sorry, can't remember who exactly said them...)

Habits are only enough to get you what you're getting.

If it's meant to be, it's up to me.

You can't hire people to do your push-ups for you.

Clarity is power.

When they say no, say NEXT!

What you put out is what you gonna get.

Small dreams attract small people; big dreams attract big ones.

Winners are those who make a habit of doing things that losers are uncomfortable doing.

Oh what the heck... go for it anyway!

Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask...

And my most favorite?

Some will, Some won't, So what, Someone's waiting!