My sadness

I am trying to be happy but I'm sad. Have you ever felt crying and not wanting to stop? Geez, why do I feel so sad? I wanted to be happy but every time I try to look the other way, something happens and it makes me feel so frustrated and sad and I just want to mope and not talk to anybody.

I can't even remember the last time I laughed with my heart laughing along with me. I tried shunning away the black clouds, but still, they are here. Why am I so sad? This makes me feel so hopeless, useless, unwanted, uncared for... I am probably extremely sensitive that I can die
with mere words.

I feel pain now - I can literally feel my heart being ripped.

Back to the Real World

And so... the vacation was over.

Chinchin and I went to Hong Kong last weekend. It was a very short, yet sweet and nice getaway from my troubles back here at 'home'. It was my first time to make a decision on something huge (at least for me) like that. Thing is she needs to go there to babysit and do some errands for her business, and since she knows how 'kaladkarin' I am and how I've been going crazy and needed a break, she took me with her. Well, I had to splurge on it but it was actually worth it and it wasn't really that costly. Kasama ko kaya ang 'Bangko Sentral ng Tsina'... hehe... Peace Chinchin! I was actually supposed to work there but I didn't... =)

We left Saturday afternoon and arrived in HK around 7pm. There wasn't anything much to do that time so we just stayed 'home' at her cousin's flat. The place (Ma On Shan) was quite far - about an hour from Central HK. It was in Kowloon side. Chin's got three cutesy nephews which we had to babysit. The next day, we got to see Acha, Chin's friend since highschool. It was really nice to see the two of them reunite since Acha's already based in HK for good. We went to The Peak - the coldest place I've ever been to apart from Baguio and Genting in Malaysia. We took the 30-minute train ride to Shenzen and I was given a five-day visa upon arrival at the station... so yes, I could say I've already been to Mainland China... ahaha (for two freaking hours only as we needed to be back in HK by 7pm).

I don't know what is it with me when I travel but I always get sick. I puked all over HK on our last day. I got this terrible headache where it felt like I have about a dozen bricks on top of my head. The feeling was really awful that I vomit every chance that I got. I didn't get to eat and boy, I hate the smell of noodles (most of what I ate and barfed out of my system). To top it all, our flight was delayed (Thanks to Cebu Pacific) by four hours from 10pm to 2am. To make it up with the irritated passengers, the airline officers gave us meal vouchers. Nice. Too bad, I can't really eat yet. But the food was nice so I tried. Then, we just hung out and did all possible means to amuse ourselves - including fafa hunting but to no avail. =) It's really alarming how the "fishes in the ocean" are becoming scarce these days - kung hindi bakla, taken... sheez! Arrived in Manila past 4am and reached home 30 minutes later.

And, I'm back to reality.

Pusang Antok...

Super cuuuuttteeee!

Ladyholden on Vox...

Hi peeps...

I got a new blog (again!) and I'm loving it...

Please visit www.ladyholden.vox.com...

If you want a sneak peak of my overly dramatic life... v(^_^)v

Kewl.

Crazy (little) doggie... WonBin-shi

How can I not love this dog???

Meet WonBin... our one-year old 'third-gen' retriever.. he doesn't look like it na nga... he looks more like a "Chien Dela Rue" (a.k.a. askal... haha!) but equally adorable and cuddly. He's so big and when he gets excited, he'll throw his whole weight on you. The next thing you know, you've exchanged faces with the ground already.

We call him all kinds of stuff and he remembers... we call him 'omoni' (weird but korean term for mother), wonbina, wonbinshi, nini, haramoni (korean term for grandma) and some other unusual names.

Wonbin has all these weird habits that sometimes, I can't help but doubt if he really is a dog or a man who was cursed to become a dog ala '100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd'. Sometimes he barks sounding like a hyper monkey and he doesn't appreciate anyone patting his head. I get a lot of bruise and scratches from playing with him. And he bites (yes he does!)... bad bad dog...

the long weekend.

Nope, I didn't go to Laiya last weekend. It was okay though... I got to spend quality time with my family amidst the usual bickering with mom, tug of war with pop for the TV's remote control and food tripping with ate and kuya. It was indeed a very long weekend for me, I got bored to my wits that I started working Sunday afternoon... hehe... I know, workaholic ako you people would say... But no, it's just the lack of a better thing to do that drove me to work instead.

I spent most of my time in bed, in the arms of my loving pillows... sleeping. Atleast I was able to make up for those insomniac nights where I was up until 3am, getting up four hours later for work. It was so unhealthy and I tasted my abused body's sweet revenge when I got sick for two whole weeks. I lost a lot of weight that I was able to fit into that old pair of jeans which I had since first year college. hehe...

I am starting to regain my weight and, to my delight, my appetite. To hell with my braces, I learned to appreciate the value of things (food to be exact) that is already within arms reach but we take for granted and the agony that's there when you can't have it. I literally cry over it. I swear I am talking about food and not some heartache. =)

I miss a lot of people during the vacation. I miss Vida and Kai and Tere... I even miss Chinchin and Gela who I know I would see today (Although Gela's not yet in) I miss Katkat (Happy Birthday!) and my friends back in college. I miss Pocla who hurt me big time the last time we spoke but I miss just the same. I hope she gets well soon. I miss Mira and Mark whom I have no idea if I will ever see again. I miss my cousins Marianne and Ray whom I only get to 'talk' to through MySpace and Friendster. I miss my cat Sparkie and my old Samsung phone. I miss walking alone at the airport with a big luggage in tow.

I miss my dead loved ones, even those whom I wasn't able to meet because they went up to heaven even before I was born. (But no, please don't visit me... hehe). At the cemetery last November 1, I have heard for the first time some stories about my grandpa (pop's pop) from an uncle. It was quite a story and I felt a sudden pang of regret that I didn't get to meet him or be with him. I am just thinking, we could probably have such a tight grandpa-grand daughter bonding. He seemed like a good old cool grandpa... he seemed makulit like my pop. He was probably like my pop. It would probably be nice to have a 'lolo' whom you could tell your stories to when you feel like the whole world is against you. My grandpa from mom's side also died even before I could walk. I have very vague memories of him. I miss my dear 'Lola Inang' (mom's mom) who was the epitome of a perfect grandma. She was a nag alright but she loved all her grandchildren dearly. I remember how in her old age and that small yet stout body, she would carry me when it rains hard because I hate it when my shoes get drenched. Or how she stays the whole time at the back during my kindergarten class because I would cry when she's out of my sight. Then there's my Uncle Henry who died at Christmas day two years ago. Among my pop's brothers, we love him the most because he was responsible and he was the only one who had balls to put food on the table (except of course pop because he has his own family to feed) despite the fact that he'd been living thousands of miles away in the US with his own family. But I am happy for these people 'coz they are now in peace, somewhere far where people don't get sad at all.

It's the first day of work again and I kept promising myself that I'd be productive. But hey, guilty as charged... I, once again, put half my day to waste, staring at a blank monitor, writing novel-like blogs (ahem) and just... well... thinking about the things that I'm supposed to do but I don't have the energy to do yet. This is what I hate about me. I need to put things in perspective and I have to act rationally. Now...