Thwarted.

My thoughts are quite in shambles. I am sick and I went to work so as not to waste my time, instead of sulking on my bed, getting sicker by the minute. But going to work might be a wrong idea after all. I need not elaborate.

Sick as usual. I wonder why my immune system is so vulnerable. I think I got the virus from my brother who's been sicks since last Wednesday. I caught it the other night while tending to him. But I've been so used to being physically ill that sometimes, it feels like more of a routine. Like my colleague at work says, I tend to get sick whenever the deadlines are approaching (not that I want to... probably because of the stress and the pressure? ) But the emotional sickness that I've been suffering with because of well... you know... that is too much. It even goes up to my head and I will not be surprised if I go all mental because of thinking too much. Who knows, one day, I might just explode!

I wonder why some people can be so harsh and heartless. It's like for them, undermining people is like wiping sweat off their foreheads... peanuts... not much of a bother. I feel that I don't belong anymore and it's a whole new universe out there... infested by aliens and decepticons. How many slaps in my face would I be able to take until I give up and say no more?

I don't know. As of now, I really don't.

This thing called 'Friendship'

How does it feel when you're alone and cold inside? - MJ, Stranger in Moscow

The stress that the past couple of weeks also made me re-think a few things in my life. While chatting with a friend one Saturday afternoon, it dawned on me - I can really be lonely at times. While I have so many friends surrounding me, there are moments when I find myself completely having no one at all.
It's funny how one friend pointed out: 'So, you don't have a best friend?' I know it's cheesy and it might not even deserve a space in this blog but it did dig a hole in my thoughts. And it kept boring deeper and deeper until I can't take it out no more. It's like a tumor - it sits there somewhere in my brain (mind), growing bigger and bigger everyday (somehow nurtured by recent on-goings in my semi-pathetic life). It needs an operation, to rid of it and free me from pain.
And so, going back to that, if I may call, unsolicited, tacky, and a little hurtful comment (but I don't blame my friend for it was meant to be an innocuous question), it made me kind of confirm it to myself - 'Yea, I don't.' I used to have one but we've grown each other out (possibly permanently out of each others' lives). I even had a very close guy friend but he moved far away. I have so many friends in highschool and college, at work, and friends that I randomly met along the way but I didn't find another one. It's true, at least in my case, that a best friend is not like a boyfriend or a girlfriend whom you can just replace when the relationship is over. Once it's broken - it's irrepairable.
So what happens to a person without any best friends (and without any boyfriends... hehe...)? Here are just some things I experience myself:
1. I'm always a tag-along (to my sister & her husband). Classic loser moment: The night after their wedding, I slept in their hotel room (at the living room couch) 'coz I don't have anywhere / anyone to go to. =(
2. I don't have a constant movie buddy.
3. I don't have someone to bother anytime without feeling 'shy' about it (because I am assured I am not a bother at all)
4. I don't have someone calling my house every now and then to just, well, talk.

Things just change I guess. One time, we find ourselves surrounded by people who makes the best out of us and the next thing you know, you're by yourself. I am such a sensitive sucker and it's such a touchy subject for me - this thing called friendship. Probably because I have had a lot whom I thought would stay but went away anyway. That is why it upsets me when my friends make me feel like I have to beg for their time, or I have to fall in line for their schedules. I am not saying they should'nt because we all have our own reasons but that is genuinely what I feel. And don't it frustrates you when a friend refers to you as just an 'officemate' or a 'classmate' or whatever other 'so-so' terms when he / she talks to other people? Why can't he / she just say 'Oh, I'm with my friend!' It makes me feel bad... I don't know. Oh, and then there are my favorites - those who suddenly remember your existence when they need something from you.
But God really is good! He knows when and how to take away my pain and turn it into glee. I have this friend whom I haven't seen for quite a long time. She used to be a colleague at work but then she resigned and we haven't seen each other since. Not once and it's like years already. But what I like about her is that she never forgets. She'll drop me a message once in while in my FB or Friendster and ask how am I doing. But the better part is, she's always telling me how she appreciates the friendship... without any inhibitions. I don't have to see her to tell that she's genuine about it. There's just an assurance between those words and I really feel it.
Then, just recently, I've been talking to my college bffs (thanks skype!) and it's just awesome. Although they're very far, just by talking, we are able to catch up and just fill in the years that we have lost touch.
It's as if God is reminding me I am just making up crazy thoughts in my head. And I shouldn't feel bad about it. Things change and that cannot be helped.

And so, I say to my friends: I truly appreciate your friendship - near or far. A friend talks from the heart and I know all your hearts perfectly. =)