Fanmode: CHRIS CENDANA

Youtube is awesome...

Because my brother is so desperate to find some guitar lesson tips videos for the song 'Apologize' (by One Republic), we came across this FilAm songwriter who's based in Morgantown, West Virginia. Man, this one really delivers... His songs say it all... ENJOY!

This one's my favorite =)



His version of 'I'm Yours' by Jason Mraz



Enjoy the rest of his songs here...

When solitude sets in... on a Friday night!

Nobody wants to talk to me. Out of probably ten (exaggeration ito!) people I randomly text messaged today, only two replied. Dang... it's really pathetic. Nobody cares... *Sniff*

Hay, ang sad. It's Friday night and I'm here in the office... still working. This is nothing new naman but I just feel extra sad (and tired today). While wallowing on self-pity and editing, I decided to play with my camera...

This is me today... *sniff*

This is what keeps me here on a Friday night... grrr...

My food... (it's the book actually.. teehee!)

How many cats do you see? =)

Which part is that?

This is the part where I go home at past 11pm, too tired and wanting to rest but just can't sleep yet.

Instead, here I am attempting to put together a decent account of what happened to me today. As much as I would like to update the world (err.. not really... i don't know if this blog's even visible...) about my life's what-nots, sometimes, the mood isn't just there. Sometimes, I open this blog and sign-out after about three seconds. In the 15 minutes of my travel from my office to my house, I am able to think about a million things to tell the internet and yet, when this blank 'post box' stares at me right in the face, all my thoughts evaporate. I would really love to have something to put here everyday but my laziness overlapping with craziness just wouldn't allow it.

Today is the part where my subconscious seems to bully my body and my mental state to lower their defenses again. I came to work with a running nose and I thought it was just a simple case of allergic-rhinitis... but NO! I used up two tissue rolls and two jumbo kleenex travel packs today and my trash bin was embarrasingly overflowing with snot-filled tissues. I looked like I was crying the whole day - eyes almost swollen and teary and a very red (and aching) nose to top it off. I am still having a slight fever as I am typing this but at least, the nose is back to normal.

My colleague said "Napapansin ko, 'pag malapit na ang deadline, nagkakasakit ka..." Exactly. Come to think of it.. that could be true. No doubt I am having a lot of pressure these days because of the next issue's impending release and probably my body is giving me a little warning or something. But heck... totoo nga... I just realized it and I find it quite amusing. Remember? Stress gave me one heck of a skin allergy - Pytiriasis something something and the marks are still here, etched on my skin.. a good 'ol reminder of how miserable I WAS because of work.

Current body temperature: 38 degree celcius - Is this normal?

And because I was not feeling well and I am desperate to stop my nose from 'crying', I munched... chewed... gnawed... In other words, I ate A LOT. I have this crazy idea that chewing can make my running nose disappear. So, I consumed something that is equivalent to what a person thrice my size consumes when he / she is on an eat-all-you-can mode. So, that was the part where I became a self-confessed glutton.

And this... this is the part where I am cutting short my blog entry to satisfy my 'Lucky Me Pancit Canton' cravings. (^_^)v

I'm... back?

I was so dreading this day but then I remembered... hey, this is the part where I am/should be going back to my normal life - me, myself and work. I am definitely not at all psyched but it somehow gives me a peace of mind. What the? Don't ask...

I open this blog and find myself staring for minutes at my previous post and thinking - what the hell was I thinking? It shouldn't be there... I never should have written it in the first place. I was fighting the urge to delete it. But I thought I shouldn't 'coz it was what I WAS feeling at that time so... yea, why not. =)

Thirty minutes ago (it's 10pm now), I was sprawled in my bed, not wanting to get up. I am dead beat from my first normal day at work. (last week was like an excursion - I only went to work for two days, feeling mighty lazy... *guilty look*). I edited dozens of articles and wrote a couple for the next issue of AQ. It was draining.

I went home early hoping to continue what I was doing at work on the comfort of my bed but as soon as I had dinner and saw my pillows, I totally forgot about what I was planning to do and just hit the sack. I slept with a full stomach and was quite worried of having an indigestion. But then, I got up instantly the moment I heard 'ate' saying that she brought home some food *eyes shining with delight* Yumm... I am such a glutton. hay.. And I am still craving for something at this point. I am blaming food network for this.

In the midst of my busy sched, I found myself thinking of some things that I still want to do beyond work that could broaden my horizon and help me grow as a person. I've been practicing my guitar skills in the last few months, I've enrolled in a basic Mandarin class and I've been quite successful in raising the bar for my spiritual growth. Now, I want to volunteer to any charitable work or activity, I want to start a project of my own, I want to enroll in a baking / culinary class (medyo I'm tired of having the 'aga-tikim' all the time), I want to go to Phuket or Saigon by next year and most of all, push through with my 'Grand Plan New Zealand' =)

I guess the clouds above my head are slowly clearing up and I am just thankful...

Re-view-well

That’s what I should be probably doing about what transpired a few nights ago on my get-away to the land up North. My mind is in total chaos that I couldn’t even tell if what happened really did happen. Or if what I think he said, he did really say. I just probably can’t get over the fact that six years ago, his gaze would’ve melted me to bits and his smile would’ve turned my cheeks to fuchsia pink and yet, when I saw him that night, the feeling was… blank… nada… a big black void. I mean, I was happy… really happy in fact to see him and be with him but there is one big thing that is lacking. Whatever that is, I couldn’t tell… or probably, I am afraid to tell. I just don’t understand how a person can shower you with praises and let you feel how special you are but still do / or not do some things that would make you think otherwise. I am so confused.

I am just probably thinking too much. I am making things complicated. I want to know if he likes me – obviously and without assuming anything, that’s what he made me feel – liked. Honestly, how would you feel if someone suddenly gives you a poem that talks about repressed emotions and that someone just happens to be the person that you like the most a few years back? How would you feel if he suddenly looks at you as if you are something worthy of his gaze and tells you how beautiful you have become? How would you feel if that someone asks of your plans in the future and if you would consider giving them up to stay? How would you feel if you’re sure right there and then that one look from you can make him really nervous and speechless? We walked in the rain; we laughed in the rain. He said I am his princess but I just couldn’t say that he’s my prince. I am just not sure… yet.

And then, the night ended. I came back to reality. I didn’t see him the following days. I know I really wanted to see him again as he was telling me over and over again that he wanted to see me too. But the circumstances just wouldn’t allow it. Heck, I am competing with his future. I guess he needs it more than just one magical feeling from a ghost of his college days.

Review well. That’s what I told him a while ago when we were text messaging. He gave up seeing me to study for his exams week. Review well… That’s what I’ll be doing too ‘coz I will definitely be thinking a lot about him these days.

Baguio after six years

And so, I spent my long weekend back in Baguio... after six long years! =) I guess I am just so happy to be back, to be seeing good old familiar places, hearing that old familiar dialect (Maysang estudyante manong!) and being in the company of my friends whom I haven't seen for such a long time.

About 11:45, Saturday night, the deluxe bus I took from Victory Liner, Pasay Terminal left for Baguio. I really wanted to travel comfortably and by that, I mean no narrow bus seat, no unwanted seatmate and no stop overs. Ang arte eh no? I just thought that since it would be my first time again in years to go back to Baguio, my trip should be a little special. Well, it turned out to be very special =) Armed only with my hooded jacket to help me battle the cold, I arrived in Baguio at 4:15am (!).. thanks to Kat and Jang, I had a place to stay =) Really, thank you guys from the bottom of my (naguguluhang) heart... you are my angels.. hihi...

Anyway, Turista Day 1 started as soon as I regained my energy around lunch time. Me and Kat went to Pizza Volante for lunch. Seems like that one's a pretty famous meeting place. Food was great. If only I haven't had my braces adjusted the night before, I swear I could've eaten all what was served like a hungry buffalo. We were really planning to eat at 50s Dinner, which was one of my most favorite restos in Baguio during my college years. Unfortunately, it got transferred and although they were saying it's still as good as the old one (especially the food), it didn't feel that way. It was also jam packed with double a dozen tourists waiting in line just to get inside. So, we ended at Session Rd to the famous Pizza place. After lunch, we went to sneak in UP Campus just to have a feel of our alma mater. Geez, I miss UP... I miss 'Oble'... I miss being just a student. As I've mentioned before, the school looks really different, with a lot of new structures and buildings. I can't even remember where the offices are... tsk.

Then, we headed off to Botanical Garden (nope, in all my Baguio years, I haven't been there!) for some serious turista business - eh ano pa, e di magpicture nang magpicture. =) We thought minsan lang naman yun so, magpapakaturista na kami. Then it rained... and we took more pictures.

Then I got 'R's message... meet daw kami ng 8pm sa Volante (na naman!). I must admit, I was a little panicky and worried. 'R' is my college crush - as in that ultimate blush-ever, can't-talk-straight-when-he's-around, 'pahiram-ng-Math-notes-para-maka-style', nenok-ng-picture-sa-bulletin-board, active-sa-Youth-Night, kind of crush. Yuck no? Haha. Anyway, we started 'talking' again after I got an unexpected message from him at... okay, buckle up... Friendster! He got my number and that was that. So I informed him that I was in Baguio and that was it. Hala. I don't actually know why I was somehow nervous at the thought of meeting him, considering that six years have passed already and I am pretty sure that I am not feeling anything special this time (fingers crossed tightly!). Kat said I have to get my beauty rest so we went back to the house to get freshened up (kamusta naman, ang dudungis na namin at nangangamoy usok pa). The meeting was moved to 9pm as he was preparin' some kind of a gift for me daw. At dun nagsimula, ladies & gentlemen, ang istorya ng pakbet. bow. (tell you some other time) So there, spent the rest of my night with 'R', re-living our college memories together (which were actually so little but nice just the same). He took me home a little before 12mn and I haven't seen him the rest of my stay in Baguio. It's his exams week daw so I'd say, forgivable? U-huh. Text lang siya ng text, ganun. Hmp...

Turista Day number 2: Tam-awan Village, some art gallery / coffee shop near Tam-awan, Red Cherries (tama ba?) cake shop, market and Kaffee Klatsch. I am really thankful that I had Kat and Jang to accompany me around. Kat and I had lunch at Tam-awan. It was my first time to eat Adobong Baboy na kamote yung halo. Ang sarap, but again, because of my teeth-throbbing episodes, hindi ko pa din makagat yung ulam. Sad. Then we had a lot of sight-seeing.Tam-awan is such a cool place (literally and figuratively speaking). They have these Igorot-inspired houses which can be rented overnight for lodging. We went up the steep and slippery path to the view deck where you can supposedly see the China Sea and witness God's magnificent creation but the fog was so thick that I only got to see the silhouette of some trees. Then again, it was the experience and the company that I am really thankful for. =) Then we saw this coffee shop / art gallery and we went inside and got awe-struck by the different art pieces inside. They don't allow taking pictures inside but since we don't acknowledge that rule, we still clicked away to our cameras' content. Nakarma tuloy ako... I have this picture where mukhang huling-huli ako sa akto at gulat na gulat. Bigla kasing nag-chime yung bells na signal yata 'pag may visitors, eh I was posing beside this art sculpture... pati si Kat nagulat kaya yung picture CLASSIC... haha. Kafee Klatsch - best place to be with your friends if you just want non-stop talking (and picture-taking in our case) with soft acoustic / piano performance in the background. I fell in love with that place instantly.

My third day was serious business. I had to go back to UP and accomplish my clearance, get my diploma (at last!) and apply for a request for my Transcript of records which I would claim in the next two months. When I was asked to sign the claim sheet, I saw that I was among the few ones left who haven't got these documents yet. Almost all my batch mates have gotten theirs years ago. Hala. I had to go back after lunch 'coz the manang who's in-charge of the releasing of diploma and whatnot took a half-day leave. I went to SM and just looked around forgetting about time. It was already past 2pm when I went back to UP.

Anyway, I had no clue that my nightmare was just about to start. After I left UP, I headed straight to Victory Liner to buy my ticket for my trip back to Manila. I got an 11:15pm schedule. The rain started pouring hard just as I was about to get out of the terminal so I decided to stay back for about 30 minutes and just surf the net in a computer shop inside the terminal. The rain looked like it would never stop. The computer shop manang said it was the onset of typhoon so there's really no use waiting. I decided to go ahead with my plan and scour the market for some pasalubong. Then I got stranded waiting for a cab that would take me 'home'. It took me about two hours, drenched and cold and well... surprisingly... happy. I was worried alright but it was something that didn't really scare me. I knew I'd get pass that safe and sound. Malakas ako kay Lord... hehe. Pero grabe, it was my first time to experience something like that in Baguio... alone.

At around 10:30pm, despite the torrential rain, Kat and Jang brought me to the terminal. As much as I hated saying goodbye, I did... knowing that in just a few months, I'll see them both again. So to you, I am still not done thanking you. Thank you for making that trip worthwhile and special and also, for making me laugh like crazy at the mere thought of 'pakbet'. Ikamusta niyo na lang ako kay Pakbet Boy. Ayus.

I'll post the pictures soon in my multiply page. =)

for you.

Fuzzy Angel just for You-- powered by quickinspirations.com

'He-Who-Must-Be-Tamed''

This is what happens when I am totally upset - I become the master word stringer; my creative juice overflows. This was written while I was sulking, eyes half-closed because I was almost asleep. I thought I just had to let it all out.

An ode to 'He-Who-Must-Be-Tamed'... the 'Dark Lord' in the most literal sense of the word... I'm sure you know who am I talking about. =)

The Puppet Master

He is the dark cloud that covers up your hopes of getting through a day of supposedly pure bliss. He is a typhoon – wreaking havoc to the melancholy of your life. He is the one who will gnaw you alive until you’re nothing but bone scrap. He will feed on your brain and lap up your sweat, tears and blood until you scream dehydration. He’ll nosh sumptuously on your dignity and self-worth as desert. You are nothing but a melting candle in his evil eyes – a disgustful sight in itself. You are a prey and will remain to be while you remain in his colony. He knows everything like a good ‘ol mountain hermit for he has a sixth sense – senselessness.

In his world there is no ‘We’; it’s always ‘I’. ‘You’ is always an ‘I’ – imbecile, idiot, irrelevant. His ‘I’ is an ‘aye, aye, aye!’ He is a one way mirror who sees nothing but himself and his terrifying reflection deserves an oil canvass paint in the museum down from 20 feet under.

In the puppet master’s world, there are no candies and rainbows and white fluffy clouds. His world is an endless train track underneath an unending tunnel of stench. He derives ecstasy from one agonizing pain to another; your cries of torment are his Bach’s Prelude in C Minor – a symphony and an art, a creation of pleasure that cannot be missed.

***

H&G

They say that when you throw a stone into the ocean, no matter how heavy or big it is, it will always find its way to the shore. What shore is that? I don't really know; it doesn't really matter. Point is, it does come back.

This thought made me reflect on how many people in my lifetime - family, friends, acquaintances, those whom I have never really met but I feel like I've known them - have come and go, have said hello, have said goodbye and then, there were those who didn't say anything; they just left. How many bridges have been burned? How many bruises have I gained and how many scars are just about to heal?

One of my life's greatest puzzles is that, why do people talk about forever when it doesn't seem to exist at all? 'Friends Forever', Forever's not enough, From now until forever... I mean, is there someone who has actually experienced it?
***
On to a lighter side but still some kind'a related story...

I've been talking about burnt bridges and all those saying goodbye stuff. But in the last few weeks I've been witnessing God's love through some old friends who have suddenly decided to hike down my path. For me, these little encounters are the biggest things in life. It is one proof of how we are created in just one huge melting pot.

And so now I ask: Did I ever lose anything? =)