sign?

The other day I asked for a sign from God to help me decide about something. If I see a white rose or a bunch of it the whole day yesterday, then I should follow my heart.

The funny thing about it is that I forgot about the sign completely as I was busy at work and I haven't had the chance to go out and explore the outside world. The question is: does that count? =)

Okay, I didn't see a white rose (only a drawing of it) at all as far as I can remember. I felt sad about it. Is God really telling me to just give it a rest? Maybe it's really not meant to be. Then what gives me hope?

***

Whatever happened to me, I have no idea. These past few days, I've been very early at work. And it feels really good.

The reason why I love AQ. (A start-up magazine nightmare)

A few more sprints and I'm there. The magazine is almost finished but I can't breathe freely until it is in front of me. Call me an over-reacting prick, but really, these past few days, that magazine has been haunting me even in my sleep. Tsk... talk about paranoia. I think I'm being paranoid that we wouldn't be able to release it. If that happens, I'm gonna kill someone. No, I'm going to murder a bunch of asswipes who made my life miserable while at it.

Geez, it's been months, nearing a year since the concept came up. Didn't think that a start-up is this friggin' hard. That time when my boss told me I'm going to be the project lead for this magazine, hypocrisy aside, I wasn't exactly elated; i was afraid of the responsibility. But hey, who would think that I'll be getting there? 'Yun nga lang, madaming side trips. Like this one time when I was scorned alive by the hurtful words of my boss that I am not doing anything to make this magazine happen. In a way, it became my wake up call and decided to make him eat his words. I became more eager and passionate (err... too strong a word) about this project.

Maybe the problem was really me in the beginning. I did not trust myself enough that I can handle a project as big as this. And I got no motivation at all. All I had were plans in black and white but none of them really did exist. On top of these, people around me are more skeptical than positive that this can really happen. What a bunch of pessimists; how can you expect me to feel differently? Anyway, I'm glad I overcome.

With this kind of job, I have to do away with my indecisive attitude and forget about myself. I have to be 'thick' when necessary. I have to be resourceful and quick-witted. Otherwise, I'd be stagnant. And so I wrote thousands (okay, exaggeration) or hundreds of emails to various people whom I felt are potential subject matter expert writers for the magazine. Most of them ignored my mail while a few wrote back and promised to contribute. But hey, promises are often made to be broken... so really, I didn't hope. I needed a plan B so I relied on referrals. I emailed and made a bunch of phone calls to strangers until I got answers... or more aptly, until I got the articles. I contacted prominent names in the industry and asked for appointments for interview hoping I'd be able to feature them in the magazine. In my mind, we are all people -- they fart and belch like me so I shouldn't feel intimidated. And thank the good heavens, i got replies. (Watch out for IBM and HP in the magazine's first issue). Slowly, I put pieces together until I'm left with only a few to fill up.

Right now, we're still experiencing hell -- the confusion caused by some unwanted entities that (who) does nothing but inflate their egos at your expense. I thank God he gave me my editorial consultant who is too kind, she's always there to lift my hopes up, Em, the newbie layout artist who always puts up with all kinds of sh** and my circle of friends in the office who boost my morale when I am nearing sanity lapse.

The psyching out continues and the skeptics are still out there. But one thing's for sure, they wouldn't get my spirits down. It's too high in-fact, I feel drugged. I haven't had proper sleep these past few days. The magazine still haunts me.

A long story made short (?)

June 30, 2006 (Friday)

It’s the last day of the month. I’m supposed to be happy because at last it’s payday (I sound pathetic I know but hey, one’s gotta pay her bills right?) I’m supposed to be excited about what July has in-store for me. I wonder if there are more financial woes coming or will I be able to struggle my way up from this current deep shit? But then, July means Asian Quality Magazine’s maiden issue launching. And despite my confidence that we will be able to finish the editorial content on time, I don’t think these people around me trusts me enough. And that’s what pulls down my spirit.
I also feel bad about making one of my friends in the office angry at me. He’s the kind of person who doesn’t get mad easily and I pushed him to the limit. I know it’s my fault and God knows I am very sorry. I just find it difficult to apologize to a guy like him. My bad, my ego’s been deflated.
Oh, and I had an initial interview at Federal Land Inc. this morning for the Public Relations Assistant position and I am glad it went well. In fact, they are asking me to come back this afternoon for the exam on logic and the likes. Too bad I can’t make it. I have to finish a lot of things for Asian Quality. Despite the fact that I’m currently on a job hunt, I know my responsibilities and I wouldn’t leave them hanging.
Anyway, I really feel bad I made someone mad… tsk… tsk…

July 1, 2006 (Saturday)

I still have the dark clouds hovering over me. I need to make amends with my friend. But hey, I was trying to make him laugh and make the first move but I think he doesn’t wanna buy it. I feel like I look stupid. So I give up. Be mad all you want… I care less. (there goes my pride again…).
Vida, Cristine and me left the office early to grab some snacks (lunch for Vida) and “talk” (if you know what I mean). We haven’t had this in a couple of months and we missed pouring out our thoughts on each other. I’m glad Cristine is doing very well these days. Vida, on the other hand, had the same sentiments she had even before leaving for Germany and my heart goes out to her. I mean how can one person die in the inside and appear so alive on the outside? Why ask yourself Thet, you’ve been in the very same situation. In fact, you are currently in the same situation. Maybe that is why I can’t help but be very bitchy at times. (I still feel guilty about my friend!)
Anyway, I spent the rest of my afternoon watching Superman with my ‘Kuya” and “Ate” and her boyfriend. I even got (well, we actually) into a fight trying to reserve good seats to complete the deal. But a bunch of gays cut in the line... that made my blood boil. despite the fact that i truly hate getting into one, i confronted them. Some guts I got just for Superman... hay nako...
Eventhough some of my friends find the movie a little off (di daw maganda) i still love it, except the part where Lois Lane suddenly becomes too class and poised... whatever happened to the clumsy one? I like that better.
Anyway, still have no internet in the office and I wonder what would happen to Asian Quality... tsk.. tsk...

July 2, 2006 (Sunday)

Galing mangunsensiya ni Cristine, I can't stop thinking how big a biAtch I was to Wayne. I promise I would make it up to him... I'll say sorry first thing in the morning tomorrow. It's my fault anyway. Sometimes Thet's gotta do what she doesn't usually do (lower her pride) tsk... tsk... first time ito.
I am also preoccupied with thoughts about the Asian Quality Magazine. Geez, it's killing me... what am I going to do? is hanging yourself, 35 floors up from the ground an option? I'm being morbid, I know. But I gotta finish it. I have to finish it. I want to finish it. Determination... that's what kills me.

Pusang Gala!