Life's little surprises can be big

Life, or the circumstances we have while waddling through it, may suck big time but the universe can always surprise you with something small but you'll find yourself taking it as a big breather.

Take my case for instance. I am torn between jumping off a cliff and dancing through the desert right now. I have a problem (I wouldn't say big but it's enough to rob me off my sanity for about three seconds) right now but at the same time, I am given an opportunity to enjoy life and see it on a bigger perspective. I've realized that what we have back home (or from where we come from) aren't all that we have and there's a whole new milky way out there - something stellar that awaits us, only if we have the guts to come out of our comfort zones.

I haven't found my luck yet and I'll be going home in about a week and my mind is swimming with thoughts of depression and "could've been's" but God's greatness reminds me that this is not the time to mope, rather a time to start these feet (and mind) moving to move on to what is waiting (patiently) out there.

My little-big surprise today:

Seeing my friend Jules after eight long years! =)

Maybe it's time for miracles...

How difficult is it to pray for a miracle?

I think I need one right now.

This is the real picture: I am here somewhere far, trying to get away from a mess that seems pretty hopeless. In my mind, I wanted to find something and hopefully, find myself in it. But I haven't have that luck (yet) and I am praying really really hard. I hope Papa up there is listening 'coz I am bordering on (i hate to say this) desperation.

I don't know what will happen in the next few days, but I am not spoiling what I have or where I am right now. =)

Singaporing within 24 hours

Why does it feel so depressing?
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This is the first thought that came to my mind when I went out the gates of the Changi Budget Terminal in Singapore Friday last week. First, that was first time I went out of the Changi airport without someone waiting for me at the gates. And second, the terminal was so new to me because that was the first time I saw it - no crowd at all, no hearty greetings from the people awaiting at the other side of the fence, none of the drama I so love watching in bigger airports.

I settled on a bench at a coffee shop inside the terminal to wait for my friend, Raki, who at the last minute I coaxed to "help" me throughout my 24-hour stay in Singapore.

The scene that I love the most at that airport was this father and daughter who, in my assumption (based on my eavesdropping), came to Singapore to visit the mom and the sister working there. The father reminds me a lot of my dad. They sat a couple of seats away from where I sat on the plane and I could hear him talking with a mix of nervousness and excitement about his trip - how he had to spend his meager savings to buy a plane ticket and how everything seems so expensive. The daughter seems like a good person, tending to her dad's needs throughout the trip. And when they saw the mom waiting at the arrival gate, everything and everyone seemed to vanish into thin air as they rushed to hug her, obviously elated. I've decided, this trip will not be too depressing at all.

I waited for Raki while drinking a Yin & Yang (tea-coffee) drink and a chocolate cake - all that my SGD4 could afford (souvenirs from my last visit as I was too lazy to go to the money changer yet). She's kind enough to offer her flat and "show" me around the place as if it was my first time... even offered a couple of times to pay for my meals and whatnot. it's embarrassing but she insisted all the time despite my pleas that I could get around with what I have. Turns out, the trip would be worth more than a 24-hour stay after all. There were a lot of firsts:

First time I haven't had dinner on time while in Singapore. First time I ate a humongous mushroom burger from Burger King, which I didn't know existed in Clarke Quay. First time I spent the night boozing (although I didn't get boozed at all) in Clarke Quay. First time I didn't sleep but watched one-night stand partners make out at the darkest parts of Clarke Quay (hey, they were still in public!) First time, I got near that bungee thing, which looked like a giant sling shot. First time I almost fell asleep like a vagrant at the banks of the Singapore river while waiting for the first MRT. Oh, and it was also my first time to wait [for] and miss the last train in Singapore. First time I slept for barely three hours within the same day
I'll be catching an eight-hour flight. First time I ate at the Food Republic in Wisma Mall in Orchard. First time I met a business contact from Singapore. First time I saw the "museum" inside the Changi airport.

Overall, my short stay was quite memorable. Definitely, I would be going back again and again and again. =)

Two days and counting...

I am excited. Two more days and I'm off somewhere again that could (and should!) somehow get my mind off work. I bravely took a two-week leave (might even extend) in the midst of deadlines and our office in (a little bit of) chaos.

I'll be seeing my most favorite place in the world (so far, because I haven't been to many yet) again - Singapura - although I'll be staying overnight only because I'll be heading off somewhere farther - where sand dunes are a common sight. =) I'll be finally going out of Asia... haha!

A friend invited me over and I thought why not... I could probably even make use of that time to open some doors (and windows) to make my life a lot better. I don't wanna go back anymore but who am I kidding? I am not that ruthless I guess.

I really hate myself when I'm traveling. The week that I'm supposed to leave, I am always in the worst state ever - I look harassed and I always have this feeling in my gut that it's the last time I'll be doing things and seeing people. So I say goodbye as if it's really the last. I even say goodbye to my room, my bed, and heck, even my pillows (like that feeling when I'm leaving for sembreak in college).I am such a nut, it kills me! And hell, I am always at the mall after work 'coz I am so paranoid I'll be forgetting things then I'll torture myself endlessly for it.

I just finished packing (wow... excited!) and my luggage is a hundred times heavier than me (I swear I already took out a lot from it) even though I used about two big Smart bags already. I am loving these smart bags. They really do wonders. I couldn't even close my luggage before and now, I can even stash more things on the sides. Magic! =) But I guess I have to stop unless I am willing to pay that ridiculously expensive excess baggage fine at the airport.

And I haven't even left yet but after computing my expenses, I found out I am splurging already. Tsk... such a bad habit. I am learning how to manage my finances but at this point, I'll still have an F on it. *sigh* hopeless!

Holden-isms: On 'F' You!

My jaw is already hurting from too much laughing. Not to mention that I have nasty feeling in my stomach that, in blunt terms, would be "I feel like I'll be passing gas any minute."

If you haven't read my favorite book The Catcher in the Rye yet, I'll tell you about this part, which even if read a thousand times, would still make me laugh like a maniac as if I'm reading it for the first time.

Holden was in his sister Phoebe's school to pass her a note and on his way up to the principal's office (to give them the note for his sister), he saw a vandal on the wall that says: F*ck You. Here's how he reacted:

While I was walking up the stairs, though, all of a sudden I thought I was going to puke again. Only, I didn't. I sat down for a second, and then I felt better. But while I was sitting down, I saw something that drove me crazy. Somebody'd written "Fuck you" on the wall. It drove me damn near crazy. I thought how Phoebe and all the other little kids would see it, and how they'd wonder what the hell it meant, and then finally some dirty kid would tell them--all cockeyed, naturally--what it meant, and how they'd all think about it and maybe even worry about it for a couple of days. I kept wanting to kill whoever'd written it. I figured it was some perverty bum that'd sneaked in the school late at night to take a leak or something and then wrote it on the wall. I kept picturing myself catching him at it, and how I'd smash his head on the stone steps till he was good and goddam dead and bloody. But I knew, too, I wouldn't have the guts to do it. I knew that. That made me even more depressed. I hardly even had the guts to rub it off the wall with my hand, if you want to know the truth. I was afraid some teacher would catch me rubbing it off and would think I'd written it. But I rubbed it out anyway, finally. Then I went on up to the principal's office.

Then on his way out of the school, he saw the dreaded words written on another wall:

I went down by a different staircase, and I saw another "Fuck you" on the wall. I tried to rub it off with my hand again, but this one was scratched on, with a knife or
something. It wouldn't come off. It's hopeless, anyway. If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the world. It's impossible.

Then he saw it again in an unlikely place:

I was the only one left in the tomb then. I sort of liked it, in a way. It was so nice and peaceful. Then, all of a sudden, you'd never guess what I saw on the wall. Another "Fuck you." It was written with a red crayon or something, right under the glass part of the wall, under the stones.
That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose. Try it sometime. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say "Holden Caulfield" on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it'll say "Fuck you." I'm positive, in fact.

HAHAHA! That really killed me. Holden, he really knows how to be sarcastically funny. I read this part over and over and over again in the book, especially when I'm feeling really frustrated at work. Works better than a laughing gas. =)

Yoga everywhere

I need to do this!!!

1. Deep Breathing
If you're stuck in a stressful situation (like endless traffic), Stiles says the easiest way to reduce tension on the spot is through a focused breathing meditation. Close your mouth, and breathe deeply and evenly through your nose. This simple technique calms your mind and nervous system and can be done absolutely anywhere.

2. Eagle Arms
For those who spend a lot of time sitting at a desk, Eagle Arms can help improve your posture and reduce tension in your shoulders and spine. Bringing your arms out in front of you, place your right elbow on top of your left elbow. Keep twisting your forearms around each other until your palms come together. If you can't bring the palms of your hands together, don't push it; just let the backs of your hands touch. As your breathe deeply in, lift your arms up. Take five long deep breaths in this position.

3. Prayer Behind the Back
Time spent in the kitchen hunched over a cutting board can lead to tension in your wrists, shoulders, and back —all of which this pose helps alleviate. Bring your fists together to touch behind your back at about waist-level. Begin to slide your hands up your spine, bringing palms together to touch in a prayer position. If this hurts your wrists, don't force it. Instead, stay with your fists joined together. Hold this position for five deep, slow breaths.

4. The Hamstring Helper
If you are going for a walk or jog, try what Stiles calls the hamstring helper. Come into a low lunge, bringing your fingertips on either side of your front foot. Slowly start to straighten both legs. If your fingertips don't touch the ground when your legs are straight, slightly bend your front knee. Keep
your hips squared and breathe deeply in this position for a minute or two. Repeat on your other leg.

5. Pigeon Pose
When practiced before bedtime, Stiles says Pigeon pose will help reduce tension in your hips and lower back. This relaxing posture can also help calm your mind and set you up for a restful night of sleep. Gently come into a low lunge with your right leg in front. Slowly inch your right foot over toward your left hand. Ease your knee down toward your right hand. Your calf should be perpendicular to your torso. If
you can't lower your hips to the ground, bring a pillow under your right hip to support it. Fold your torso over your leg, resting on your forearms. Stay in this position for a minute or two. Repeat on your left leg.

(Text by Holly Robinson from Shine Yahoo)

A Holden kind-of thought

I think I'm having a Holden Caulfield overdose. I've finished re-reading The Catcher in the Rye but I can't help but still open that little book and re-read a page every once in a while. It kind'a channels Holden's simple perspectives on things and I like the feeling. See, instead of wallowing in predicaments that are no bigger than the president's face mole, I take them as something that I just pass by on my way to somewhere. Do you know that feeling when you're riding a cab, or a jeep or a tryke or anything moving like when you're going to work or something and you just stare outside the "window" and you just see things like a smudge because your eyes can't focus? And when they do, your eyes catch something that annoys the hell out of you like a couple having an overt display (redundant!) of their freakin' affections, or one of your colleagues whose mere existence is a curse, or an eyesore of a dresser... name it, they're in sidewalks everywhere. Then you get annoyed and less than a second later you forget about them because, hell, they're mere smudges.

I guess this is a pretty easy way to not get angry or to be very emotional on something. Just look at things like smudges, or a mosquito in your soup - it's not supposed to be there but it's there and it's really yucky. But what you do, you just remove the dead mosquito from the soup, stir it a little and eat it anyway. Who drops dead by eating a mosquito? I hate being emotional because after I cry, I feel very embarrased and it feels like the end of me. Lame and stupid but that's how I genuinely feel. But I do it all the time anyway and I'm still here.

I really like it when people don't over-analyze things and just acknowledge what's in front of them or what's visible to the eye. I like it when people have very simple answers. I remember that kid with an autism in Mark Haddon's "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time. He's the simplest guy on the face of literature. He's happy counting red cars (or whatnot) and making a story out of it. He may be sick but the way he is portrayed gave me the notion that he's the most sane person I've known my entire life. And I like him so much.

When the boss decides to quit...

I worked more than twelve hours today and I am just so exhausted. Work is a rollercoaster and with the kind of predicament that we have right now, it feels like we were stuck in the loop and we're all hanging upside down.

Did I mention, my boss "sort of" resigned last week? As in left without any plausible explanation. Just walked up to me while I was busy editing an article about this Chinese business school and told me he will be leaving in 10 minutes... and not coming back. Thought the old chap was kidding and when I figured the tense look on his face means otherwise, I kind'a broke a little (along with my other colleagues who were apparently listening in on the conversation).

I felt sad because I had a darn flashback about all the difficulties we've had in bringing this magazine to where it is right now and I couldn't just zap the thought that without our boss, it will all be just put to waste. Anyway, that was what initially crossed my mind. Now, I am thinking hard about other possibilities (if there are any). But given the choice, we just want our work (place) to be normal.

Sans drama, our team made this little note for him:


Dunno. The man has a heart and this might pinch it a little. Life's annoying surprises - who would've thought a boss (as in part owner of the company) can quit just like that?

OMG, what happened to Joo Ji Hoon?

Just saw this in Popseoul:

Prince Shin of the K-drama Princess Hours doesn't look like much of a royalty these days. He looked like a dad, gaining pounds like that. He's stick thin during the Princess Hours days. Must be the 'rehab' and being away from the limelight.

I liked JJH despite his recent drug scandal. In all fairness to him, he's got spunk and he's a very good actor. =)

BIG thoughts before the weekend ends.

Sometimes we think of ourselves so small and so weak that it manifests in our physical action. We thus become one and I realized how pathetic can that be. When we were little, we don't think of anything else but conquering the world once we grow up. Starting with the infamous line "When I grow up, I wanna be..." And now we look back on those days of mindless purity and wonder whatever happened to us.

Now, we can't help but sometimes feel small in everything we do - in all aspects of this given life.

We feel small in our jobs. How many people do I know (including myself) have been feeling lousy getting up in the morning, knowing that they have to face yet another tough day at work? Not because they don't want/love their jobs but because there are certain unavoidable things that could strip them off of what's left of their sanity. From selfish and arrogant colleagues who don't give a sh*t whether they've been stepping on someone elses toes, to the most inconsiderate of bosses who could eat us (alive) for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

We feel small in our craft. No matter how great we are in what we do, there are and will be people who would convince you that you're no good at whatever and even if you were already half-convinced that you are the greatest at a certain thing, you'll find yourself bleeding in the end.

We feel small in our sense of belonging. I've got around 300 friends in both my facebook and friendster accounts. I've got probably a little less than that in my phonebook and email contacts. But still, there are moments when I feel depressed 'coz I don't have someone to watch a movie with, or just hang out with during weekends. I tried attending a couple of churches only to have this nagging feeling (although I am not saying it's true) that I don't really belong. Don't get me wrong; these are uber nice people and they make you feel welcome but it's just that I feel so small and I can't find myself within their midst.

We feel small in finding our other half. I haven't yet and I am not really looking. I don't know but I have this feeling that he's somewhere between fantasy and reality and he got lost on his way but he's nearly there to find me. =) (fighting spirit Thet, aza aza!!!) Point in case is, whenever we feel bad because of a spoiled or a non-existent (in my case) relationship, we tend to blame ourselves and keep asking "What's wrong with me?" Why can't we ask "What's wrong with him/her?" We always say we try to be the 'bigger' person and move on only to find ourselves in a fetal position, wondering if the smaller we make ourselves in the dark, the higher the chance that we'll just disintegrate.

I guess i am tired being small. Although physically I am, I want my soul to be bigger. And I thank God for gearing me up with all the positive vibes that I need. It works pretty fast...

Sometimes, I'm convinced, I am bigger than the mountain. =)