Pretty Dude #2

Sorry... can't help but post this pretty face...

May mumu...

I don't really believe in ghosts but neither can I explain the numerous times I've experienced strange things happening here in the office, most of the time giving me goosebumps and a creepy feeling that someone (something) is watching me.

Is this a ghost or not?

Welcome Back

So much for vacation.

Yesterday, I had the chance to rest. And I mean rest 'coz I literally drowsed off the whole day. I caught fever plus colds and cough... the usual sakitin me. The drug I was taking made me dizzy and sleepy which actually was a good thing because I felt I really had a rest.

I'm still not well and I'm back in the office. I had a nice welcome from the 'Ogre': The AQ team was given a P12M quota for the year. Whattaf*ck?!?! He's not f*ck*ng kidding and I feel like I'm f*ck*ng sick, much much worse than yesterday. Actually, I haven't even recovered yet. Still barking like a mad dog and my nose is already burning hot from too much mucus wiping (eeewww... my sipon seems bottomless... free-flowing... parang iced-tea... hehe).

I swear... the ogre is too ambitious. As if venturing into publications business is as simple as counting 123... backwards. Hello?!? Isn't it a common knowledge that in any business, the ROI may be achieved not until a year or two? He's asking for a miracle and we're not the Messiah to give him that. I wish the good Bathala would put some sense into that man. Hay.

It's past six already and everyone's still in the office. Pa'no, wala pang sweldo. U-hmmm... some people got no consideration whatsoever for the welfare of their people. It doesn't matter if their wallets are dying of hunger or if their poor souls are being deprived of their desires to indulge in the Christmas shopping frenzy. Tsk... tsk...

Logging off. I've got a resume to update.

Woes on singlehood

I watched the fireworks from Greenbelt kissed the melancholy of the night away by the window of this dark and empty office room. I was with my friend Chin, but for the very first time, I felt so alone. Jolina Magdangal was singing ‘Maybe It’s You’ in the background and baduy as it may seem, but I felt its melodies tugging at the strings of my heart for no apparent reason. I don’t even have a YOU to refer to.

It’s been a while and it feels like forever. This singlehood, I mean. It sounds so pathetic but I really can’t help but think why the hell am I still single. Sure, I have had a couple of (actually just one serious and the others… ewan) relationships. I guess I just miss the feeling of being wooed and that can’t eat-can’t sleep-reach for the stars-over the fence-world series kind of thing when being in-LIKE. Yup, not even in-love. But hey, the latter’s way way sweeter. The other one’s just cute.

Am I being bitter? Probably, but in my defense, I think I am just being normal. Geez, I’m already 24 (malapit na ko sa finish line!) Actually my finish line is 28. So I guess that gives me four more years to find the man I would marry. Seriously. I want to be married by that time. But it seems so soon that I’d rather forget about it.

Just some thoughts.

1. I don't want to be an old maid.
2. I miss kissing someone (hehe... seriously.)
3. I want to have a baby (",)

I guess I've been watching too much Korean soap that I'm beginning to be disillusioned and make myself believe that I can meet my 'Seungwan' anytime, any place unimaginable. That I too, can just bump into him from an airport somewhere abroad and we'll have a few rows, get drunk, discover in the morning that we just had a one night stand, have a baby, marry despite our utter dislikes of each other and then fall in love in the end. Perfect. But it's fiction... not true. Not me.

Hell, I wish.

Korean Drama Addict.

This video's nice... (",)

Celebrity Crush #1

Yup... It's official. Crush ko na siya... ha-ha-ha. Jologs.
This guy from Pinoy Dream Academy.

Love is.

Love is...

... seeing my pop walking my mom down the isle in a very simple church blessing after 27 friggin' years!!! (",)

Today is very special for my oppa and omma as they renewed their vows of 'I Do's' with God as their witness. Mom and pop were never married in the church; just like any other stupid (ooopsss...) young couples, they rushed to having their civil wedding when mom learned that she's a few months pregnant with my sister. But I guess they weren't stupid because they are still together [amid the rollercoaster years of splitting up and making up... the endless fights, especially when pop is a little... okay, totally boozed and mom's nagging is at its peak] and our family is still intact. I remember mom telling us countless times before that she's going to leave pop. First was when I was still in prep, then middle school then... basta, I guess that supposed-to-be-heartbreaking warning just became one of mom's usual threats whenever she's pissed off with the old man. It was nothing really big for us. Now, we're all working, probably living each of our own lives although under one roof, and they're still as sweet as couples in their honeymoon stage. Of course, there are still fights, tears and disappointments but they are facing it together -- with us.

Thank God for this. Pop and mom’s love is magic; a miracle that has been made. I swear our family is not a picture perfect one but, again, God has his wonders. It’s even weird that we are not as solid as other families when it comes to religion but we have one faith. And I guess that is enough to hold our bond much stronger.

More photos here.

The 'Ogre' strikes again

What do you call a person who has a habit of saying things point blank and taking them back three seconds later? I don't know with you guys, but I just find them extremely annoying. Apart from my growing dislike about work, I am getting more and more annoyed by the 'ogre' whom I was actually referring to here at the beginning of this blog.

Yesterday, we had a meeting and just like the same old sh*t I hear from him time and again, I got all the more confused about what are we supposed to do now. I know I am being the bad guy here since he actually asked us if we are clear about our agenda but I didn't dare ask. It's pointless. It's like daring Pacquiao for another boxing match. I'll get psyched out 'till my ego is beaten black and blue and barely breathing. Believe me, between us two, an argument is a word that SHOULD not exist. At least until I find a new job.

I promised myself to be productive; its not fair to vent my mounting loathing about him or of this company on my work output. I even have to prove myself more. So this morning, [even without the momentum I so used to have] I mustered up writing long been overdue articles and send out long been overdue email replies and follow-ups. But to my dismay, he called me and demanded a decision on where do we want to transfer. Yes, by the way, I am saying goodbye to my forever seatmate Wayne (who hasn't been so kind.. tee-hee... kidding...) because the AQ Team has to be together at one area in the office. Ergo, I'm leaving my precious little nook here at the corner; I feel a little sad and excited [about my new working area] at the same time. Anyway, he's asking us to find a place that we want to occupy but every time we point out something, he'll tell us those places are out of the question already. Meaning, untouchable. Gulo eh! It looks like we'll have to settle for the Training Group's area. Haayy...

But in fairness to the 'Ogre', he hasn't been actually that scary and grumpy as before. As Chinchin and the others suspect, he's probably in-love. Yaikks! Honestly, I wish him well about his lovelife if it would mean no psyching out and ego-depletion for us his aliping sagigilids. I just wish he'd stop making things difficult for us, or at least for me. I wish I'd never have to feel disgusted everytime he talks to me or I wouldn't have to anticipate another extreme bashing everytime he's asking about the magazine.

Whenever I go hiding under my seat when he passes by my cubicle, I tell myself that it is the most stupid thing that a person can do -- not literally hide and tuck themselves to the safe confines of their cubicles but feel inferior to another person. Sure, he's a boss, he's the king of this company but we have to remember that without us, this [office] would just be another box in a highrise along the posh Ayala Avenue.

Weekend

Hmm... Good morning Monday!

My horoscope says something interesting:

Your single status has some sexy surprises in store for you once you let yourself enjoy where you're at instead of wondering about the future. Commit to loving this mode of life and you'll have more zest than a lemon.

Nice.

So how long will I have to enjoy this single momenthood? Hehe.

***

Sunday wasn't exactly a rest day. I went with my mom to the 168 / Cluster Mall in Divisoria. She did some 'shopping' for their Church Blessing on the 28th. I could tell she's really excited. Pop might be feeling the same way too but he's just not the type to show it. Finally, mom's wish to get that blessing will finally come true. Linyahan ba naman ako ng: "Anak, fulfilled na ako." Yaikksss!!!

Anyway, I usually get up past 12 nn on Sundays but yesterday, I was up even before the hype on the 'Pacquiao-Morales Fight' welled up. And Divisoria was once again an ideal target for terrorists to put a bomb scare on -- daming tao! And they say the Philippines is a very poor country; but judging the crowd [there] who were shopping as if there is no tomorrow, I would say it's bullshit.

Didn't buy anything for myself. My mom even paid for my snacks. Geez, I'm becoming too poor. I am actually saving up because I wanted to buy them something but I don't know where my money would take me... this sucks. Plus, I think I need a new dress. I would have to wear something decent to their blessing, right?

***

Anyway, I hope this week would turn out right. I have lots of things to do -- way way over my head but I know I can do them. I just need some motivation (^_^)

Classic Dialogue

This morning, I had the urge to buy a Starbucks drink (for the sticker... tee-hee!) My kuya is too kind to offer to treat me to a Toffe Nut Latte (",)

Gela and I had a "Quotable" dialogue before Chin Chin and I went to buy our coffee indulgence. It went something like this:
Thet: Gela, baba na kami... anong gusto mong pasalubong, tissue or stirer? *hehe* Gela: Tissue. (thinks) Ay, stirer na lang...

Tsk... tsk... Classic.

As of today: Got four stickers pa lang... =)

Crybaby

Funny, naiyak ako habang nakikinig ng "My Grown Up Christmas List" ni Kelly Clarkson.

I don't know. Siguro masyado lang akong emotional na tao. Sa katunayan, madaming kanta yung 'pag naririnig ko e naiiyak ako -- ng wala namang kinalaman sa current issues ko sa buhay. Iyakin lang talaga ako.

Pero come to think of it, I haven't actually cried in a long time now. 'Yun bang tipong hagulgol, tulo luha, sipon, laway at kung anong anik-anik. (Hehe... OA na yung laway...eewww) Promise, last time yata e a year ago... nung gabi ng kagagahan ko... haha.

Here's Clay Aiken's version... ganda din... sniff... sniff...

Work is no fun no more...

Today, I came to work late as usual. It was already 9:15 when I logged in. My mind is still full of haze and I can't think straight. All I know is that I'm pissed off that I'm already making a habit out of my tardiness... tsk... tsk... bad. I always try consoling myself that it really doesn't matter if I'm late or night because I often compensate by staying late just to finish what needs to be done for the day. But still, it does make me feel bad.

The funny thing is that whenever I wake up each morning, I care less and less about work... I knew I lost my motivation and I do not know how to regain it. (err... a salary increase might help... hehe). I know myself; once i lose it, i can never take it back.

But yea, here I am, trying with all my might to finish my unfinished business -- the 2nd issue of AQ. On my way here, I kept thinking how those pricks could actually be heartless and just let me do this work by myself. Sure I have my layout artist and Jennie and [yea] chocnut but really, they aren't much help when it comes to developing the entire content of the magazine. I need someone whom I can split half of the writing job with and someone who can do interviews with people we need featured in the magazine or at least do the basic proofreading for me. Because at this point in time, I am doing them all and I'm getting tired... I can only do so much you know.

Plus, the gap-tooth schmuck is back -- what else can I ask for, huh? Bad. Bad. Bad.

Adik...

The time now is 7:46 pm, Saturday... Saturday?!?!?!

Yep... at dahil adik ako... i'm still in my workstation...

Be going home in a while... (^_^)

An Ode to ChinChin (Happy Birthday!)

ChinChin, Chen, Cristine... whatever you call her. She's that sweet lady who can charm anybody who walks on two legs (yea, probably kahit four legs pa, kahit nga yung laging naka-headstand e--- di ba, paa? hehe).

Anyway, a year and a half may not be too long but I feel like knowing you forever. Maybe because you carry within you an aura of transparency, a sensitivity that makes the world laugh and cry with you at the same time.

I remember the first time I met you...'kala ko di ka marunong mag-tagalog... nag-iisip na ko kung sa'n ako huhugot ng English =) Nah, but seriously, the first time I saw you, I know we will be friends... I hope we'll be friends forever... and ever... and ever.


I like the way we see things on parallel perspectives... (oo na, kahit mas matanda ako sa'yo... ng eight months lang!) It's funny how our wavelengths meet... nakakaaliw... minsan parang magic.

You sure are a cry baby but we know that within that 'kutis porcelanang China' is a toughie... sobrang strong ng personality ni bruha... hehe. Otherwise, you wouldn't be that Cristine that we know and we love...

Four days later... HAPPY BIRTHDAY ChinChin!!! MWAH!!!

Just like now.

Yey... I was able to finish a whole novel during the weekend. I've been wanting to read more but I usually find myself staring [blankly] at a book whenever I start flipping through its pages. I am becoming more and more a lazy reader. I remember this guy writing in his blog that if you want to be a good writer, you have to be a good reader. I love reading alright; but sometimes, I'm just caught up in too much work, hatred about work, hatred about almost everything associated with it that I lose interest in reading... rather, I write. I write furiously and almost in a nonsense pallor that my pieces are becoming too irrational when I re-read them. Point is, I'm starting to lose the whole point of it. But anyway, I am too overwhelmed, I started reading yet another Mary Higgins-Clark novel right away. I swear, not too many people may appreciate her, but I like her style. She's a more subdued version of Sidney Sheldon. (I think).

***

Anyway, the heat is coming up to my brains (see previous blog). I'm starting to be too irritated and agitated about almost the simplest and smallest of things. I hope nobody talks to me right now; else, the poor soul would be in a lot of treat (if you know what I mean). I used to be really moody when I was in secondary. I grew out of it when I started working. I realized I needed to be more rational if I want to belong and if I want friends. But really, I can't help it when sometimes, I snap out of a situation because somebody or someone triggers me. Just like now... You're really a schmuck, you know that?!?

***

I want to go home and sleep for the rest of the day. These are the days when I feel like not doing anything at all but write, rant and rave about what pisses me off. And now I also feel like a loser. =(

Whatta Monday.

I wonder what this week has in-store for me.

I've been quite a sleazebag in the last couple of days (weeks actually), after loosing my 'heart' at work. Hmm... how to put it? I just probably felt that working here is pointless. Totally worthless... all my efforts are being flushed down the drain right before my big eyes... sucks. But I've never been happier after a gap tooth schmuck-free week... never been happy. I hope he never comes back.

Seriously.

But hey, despite my overly thinning motivation at work, I still am able to pull a few a strings for the second issue of Asian Quality Magazine -- poor baby. It's good that I love this magazine so much to just let it die a natural death. Mom-me will be miserable... kidding.

To be honest, I am becoming to skeptical about this whole AQ thing. Sad but true. For one, I can't get the support that I need from those people I am actually counting on (well, financially and bureaucratically speaking!). Second, I am working with a**holes... excluding Jen, of course... she's actually one of those people who are keeping me sane all this time. A**holes, you know who you are. Third, seriously.... I 'd rather keep my mouth shut.

Haay... I am looking forward to a happy week... another a**hole-free week. Looks like, I'm wrong. Monday morning and the office (the aircon) is all f**ked up! I feel like being roasted inside a mammoth oven. I know, this place is actually living up to its reputation -- a hell on earth.

Seriously. Why am I being bitchy?

Gloom

I feel pretty bad today.
I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I feel disregarded. I feel Unimportant. I feel neglected.
I feel so unpretty; I feel like nobody likes me.
I feel like a trash, a dump, a garbage.
I feel so alone. I feel like an alien to this cold cold room.
I feel isolated. I feel totally all by myself.
I feel cold. I feel empty.
I feel death crawling inside me.

Kitten vs ChocNut

I need to sign up for Anger Management Sessions.

Just this afternoon, a little past lunch, my immediate superior and I re-lived World War II.

Yes, I was so angry I kind of raised my voice at him. We were arguing right in front of our bewildered colleagues. I guess it's a really bad thing to do - answer back to my superior. But I really just can't help it. He was already talking nonsense and I felt like he was questioning my capability when it comes to decision-making. I feel like he's over-exaggerating things and he's already making a habit out of complicating things, which, by the way, is one of the things I HATE the most.

Not to mention, all these Asian Quality stuffs (my looooooong list of things to do) are way way over above my head and the last thing that I need was him telling me what I should and should not do. It's unfair because I feel like he's not doing enough. Thus, I tend to question his capability to be a good example to me. How can the blind lead the blind? (although I am sure I am not)

But anyway, we sat and talked about it (in a more amicable tone). But really, I can't see the point. I admit I am wrong in answering back; i felt like I did not respect him. My bad. I didn't apologize though. Not prepared to do so.

The funny thing with him and me is that our arguments are becoming routinary. We talk then we argue. Then that's it... we walk off as if nothing happened. He says I am narrow-minded and I keep on blocking other's opinions. The way I see it, he's also like that. He listens to everybody's opinion but mine. I only present what I know is prevailing in the current publication practice; they aren't just my opinions. They're the reality. Then he says there will always be changes. For me, it's really simple: ba't ko papahirapan ang sarili ko?

Really, I just don't get what he's trying to implore.

Then, not to mention this really hateful guy who thinks he's God's gift to ECCI. The gap-tooth schmuck. HoldenGirl says it all.

This is a bad day.

SA WAKAS... AQ IS HERE!!!

YEHEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

ASIAN QUALITY MAGAZINE IS FINALLY OUT ...

wala, masaya lang ako...
pati si bear masaya...
kaming lahat masaya...

on the other hand, medyo (syempre) there are certain parts in the magazine that looks like sh*t... the quality of the print is not that good. As my friend Gela brutally puts it: Hindi siya mukhang international magazine. Hey, I'm talking about the quality of the print ha... not the content... grrr... (defensive)

the boss says: darn, he's now obliged to give me a raise... tee-hee... wish ko lang... sana di drawing... but of course, may mga premonitions na na mas magiging madugo ang second issue... wish me luck...

And so?

12:57 pm

Yes, it's Tuesday... lunchtime already but I haven't had a glimpse of Asian Quality yet... ginagalit yata talaga ko ng printer ah... grrr... Anyway, nothing to do but wait. I can practically hear Guns 'N Roses singing "All we need is just a little patienceeeee" (haaay Lord, if you're listening right now, just give me that... just this once... malapit na talaga akong sumabog)

***

Anyway, while lazily browsing the net (for blogs) I came across an old [estranged] friend's blog. It saddens me actualy to realize that it's been almost 2 (or 3 yrs?) since we last talked like friends. As she puts it: it's been long since she gave up our friendship to help her move on from a very unpretty experience with an old flame [which happens to be one of my best buddies].

I didn't even remembered her birthday like I used to. It's really sad. Though I still wish her all the happiness in life, every achievement that she deserves and finally, a peaceful and serene life with the people she loves even if it means completely cutting me off her life.

But I am thankful that somehow she remembers me, she misses our friendship like the way I miss it. I miss it terribly in fact that instead of going through the hurt all over again, I choose to shun it out of my thoughts. But then, fate lets me read this and I feel the hurt again. I miss her.

I remembered this last blog I wrote about her:

About an old friend (... i miss dearly)

Normally, i would care less about a whole lot of things that i know would not really do me any good. I harbored the idea when once in my life i got really pissed off at someone, got offended, cried like it would never end and felt like a total loser. Consequently, i got mad [at myself] for succumbing to that conquest and i promised myself i would never let it happen again. I want to be tough and forego that 'cry baby' i once used to be. As they say, "No more Ms. Nice Girl"

But being nice and being sensitive are two entirely different things. I can be mean but still be sensitive to the idea of me hurting people (although some people can really be intoxicated by an utter lack of disrespect of others like this queen bitch i know... die bitch... die!!! hehe.. sorry, got carried away). I hate the idea of hurting. I hurt before because of so many things; the usual experiences a person goes through (maybe once or twice) in his lifetime, which i am thankful for because they eventually made me more enduring and faithful. So where am i leading?

While lazily browsing the net, an old friend came into mind. She WAS my best friend. (or so she thinks because i haven't given up on her yet). This friendster thing really is something -- it fills the gap of estranged friends, re-builds burnt bridges or, in this one particular odd case, cut loose the thinning thread that trussed me and this old friend. It's hard (and too long) to explain how it did it, but it just did. I used to be angered by the tought of how it all started -- of how one single and absurd entry made her assume that i was turning my back on her. That i was taking sides, got brainwashed, lost my senses -- became a useless friend. I was so hurt it still stings up to now.

She said she had to cut any ties that bound us for her to move from an ugly past to a better life. She said it hurt her too but it just doesn't make any sense. I did not choose to be entangled in a web i did not create. I did not hankered after to be like 'Samson' wedged between those bashing rocks. It was like i was just caught in the middle of a warfare i did not wish to be a part of. I felt so helpless and offended, i didn't even had the chance to defend myself. It was like being left by a long-time boyfriend for another... guy (nah, i mean girl); Only ten times the pain. It was just -- like that.

Has it been a year now? I don't know... i lost track of time. A few months ago, while busy getting on with my life i saw her at the mall (with her mom). It was like seeing her for the first time (that time when we were still in highschool). i really didn't care if she saw me or maybe i was just pretending i didn't. I knew she saw me, even looked at me with a stranger's eyes, an inept glance that needs no words to say 'The hell i care about you!' The world seemed languid at that moment. Then she was gone. After about fifty seconds of self-debate, i decided i needed to talk to her. I am not that kind of friend who just gives up that easy… no, I am not prepared to loose a friend. i ran after her... i browsed the crowd, hoping crazily to spot a girl with that hot pink shirt. i looked everywhere and gave up eventually.

So much for my illusion that we will be alright. Maybe we will… but in another time. Not just now. I still think of her. I miss those times that we saw the world in one paradigm. Where our minds meet and we care much less about other people as long as we are happy. I often think about our usual girly rendezvous -- malling, [window] shopping, one time trip at the spa, plotting on how to conquer the world and other crazy dreams. We even had this one that we will be successful working girls in the land of Uncle Sam. Well, I guess those will just remain at that. But I still smile at those thoughts. I have nothing else but to wish her well and let her know how proud I am of her [surviving the roughest tests of time]. I know she’s well-healed now and I still love her for it.

And now i am living my life for all its worth. I am transferring to a new job, ready to meet people, new friends, while still keeping the old ones. I present myself to the world -- i need not hibernate. Life, it’s too damn short to waste.

Now, we go on with our lives as if nothing happened. I can tell she is happy and God knows how glad I am that she is. Me? I am still struggling -- with my career, with my lovelife, my spiritual life, my family. But I know I'll get there in time.

One thing's for sure, If I see her right now, I'd never hesitate to hug her.

I love you Tuesday (keeping my fingers crossed)

I wish it's Tuesday already... then the misery caused by the 1st issue of ASIAN QUALITY MAGAZINE will be over. Hopefully, the printer would be able to deliver them finally... I swear, my patience is running thin... If patience is a virtue, then it is a virtue I just don't have [well, when it comes to certain things...]

My weekend wasn't at all good. I was literally a bummer. I just didin't feel like doing anything except watch and finish one whole ChiNovela... pathetic life, is it? The printer actually spoiled my day by telling me they couldn't deliver by Monday (which is today). Bunch of schmucks... they don't know how many heartaches have I endured because of this magazine and I thought they could actually be of any help. Turns out, they're the last strike of bitter fate- the merciless one.

As much as I would like to wallow and self-pity and waste my energy complaining, I didn't dare to. It wouldn't make any difference at all anyway... the magazine wouldn't still arrive and it can't bring back any wasted time. So I must wait. As far as I know, I've exerted enough effort for AQ's maiden issue; there is nothing left to squeeze.

What I am worried right now is how to fill up the pages of the second issue considering that out of the 10+ writers that I've been pestering with follow-ups during the last couple of days, only two have stuck to the deadline. The others, Jah knows what happened to their articles. Nevertheless, I will make them suffer -- kukulitin ko sila!

It's just so annoying, some people can't get a clue. I'm really tired explaining [even to those who are not involve] where the magazine is right now. I was seriously considering putting a post in my workstation : "IF YOU'RE GOING TO ASK ME ABOUT ASIAN QUALITY, THINK TWICE, ELSE SUFFER THE REST OF YOUR ECCI LIFE" or "DO NOT DISTURB, BUSY WRITING HIT LIST".

What do you think?

Hay, stupid alzheimers!

Sh*t, I forgot that I have an interview at 10 this morning with Newslink Agency for the Writer / Editor position that I am applying for! Well, I guess it's goodbye Newslink... deep shite!!!!!

I forgot myself then I forgot you
But when I woke up it was never true....

Wala lang, that phrase just popped in my head like that [note: thet snapping her fingers].

Stupid alzheimers always gets me in trouble. I wonder if it's true: old folks used to say a person loses memory everytime he/she takes a peep of his/her bottom while pooping. Yuck no? Whoever came up with that theory is one sick bastard.

Based on experience, I would say Atkin's Diet really does affect one's memory. Take my case for instance: I didn't eat any food with carbs for eight straight days and I noticed I'm becoming more and more forgetful. Well, I know that's already given but at that time, I was at my worst. Explanation is : lack of carbs results to less secretion of glucose - a monosaccharide or simply sugar, the most important carbohydrate in biology. (since when did I became a Science enthusiast?) Sugar supplies energy to the brain and revs up cellular respiration. Thus, without it, our braincells would actually be weak (... daw, malay ko... narinig ko lang yang theory na yan). Anyway, I haven't actually heard someone credible confirm that theory. Nevertheless, I stopped my "Atkin's Diet" and just let "fats be my-fats". (^_^)

Bottomline is I'm pissed I, once again a prisoner of my own crude and unavoidable but equally hateful forgetfulness, let another opportunity slip right through my small hands.

How fitting can it get?

I feel like the world is falling.. just because of the same old issues that've been haunting me even in my sleep. The magazine isn't out yet and it's almost the middle of October. Really, I swear I hate putting the blame on somebody but it's me who's being there in the firing line everytime this magazine is being talked about... "Thet, when will the magazine come out... Thet, our subscribers are already questioning us... Thet, our advertisers are already asking..." Geez, I want a break!!!

When I finished the editorial content and the layout and whent it was approved, I thought my burden will be over... but hey, I was wrong... still half -stuck in deep sh*t... haay...

See what my horoscope says:

Try not to make more of this than there really is. It's very easy to get caught up in a 'The sky is falling!' mentality, but that doesn't help anything in the end. Feel the panic, let it pass, then get down to business.

Wish it's as easy as that... I don't wanna frown too long.

A Day with Jack Canfield (Who wants Chicken Soup?)

Hah! I never thought I could actually see the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" guy in person, lest snatch him for like ten minutes for an ambush interview and have a picture taken with him...

Thanks to my boss [on such rare occassions] I get to attend Jack Canfield's "Personal Excellence & Organizational Success" seminar this morning. Not that I'm a seminar or a conference sucker... in fact there were only two occassions when I attended such that I didn't snooze while at it... this one and Jim Clark's Breakthrough Sessions Seminar, which I attended last July. That guy was also really funny, you'd literally roll down your seats from too much laughing... a very good speaker.

Anyway, Mr. Canfield was super --- his talk was sooo motivating and I did actually enjoyed listening to it. I feel like I learned a lot and mushy as it may sound... I feel renewed (naks!) My goal: to collect all the books he authored... hehe... I wish... his book's pretty expensive but I think they're all worth the investment.

So it was funny, it was like an adrenaline rush... the 5 or 10 minute ambush interview actually turned into a good conversation, not scripted (take note). All in all, it's a nice (kind'a surreal) experience...

These are some of the quotes (mantras) Mr. Canfield mentioned during the seminar which really stuck to my head: (Sorry, can't remember who exactly said them...)

Habits are only enough to get you what you're getting.

If it's meant to be, it's up to me.

You can't hire people to do your push-ups for you.

Clarity is power.

When they say no, say NEXT!

What you put out is what you gonna get.

Small dreams attract small people; big dreams attract big ones.

Winners are those who make a habit of doing things that losers are uncomfortable doing.

Oh what the heck... go for it anyway!

Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask...

And my most favorite?

Some will, Some won't, So what, Someone's waiting!

Kao Jin Yi Dian Dian

This chinese song (from the series It Started With A Kiss) caught my attention. Now, it's been playing nonstop in my head (^_^).

Kao Jin Yi Dian Dian / Come A Little Bit Closer by Lara

I wait quietly behind you
"Mo mo zai ni de sheng hou shou hu de wo"

Really want to see your accidental smile
"duo xiang kan ni bu jing yi de xiao rong"

Maybe you do not understand my heart
"huo xu wo de xin ni bu dong"

But I will try to touch your heart
"wo hui nu li rang ni gan dong"

I'm the clumsy one in your eyes
"zai ni yan zhong you duo me ben zuo de wo"

I will not give up following you
"jue bu fang qi zhui zu ni de zhi zhuo"

I just need you to give me some response
"zhi yao ni neng duo xie hui ying wo"

I will accept a smile or a nod.
"yi ge xiao huo dian tou quan dou jie shou"

Can I come near a little closer
"neng bu neng zai kao jing yi dian dian"

Confess my feelings to you loudly
"da sheng shuo chu ni suo you gan jue"

Don't shut yourself in your own world anymore
"bie zai jin jin guan zai zhi you zi ji de shi jie"

The warm sun welcomes you
"wen nuan tai yang wei ni ying jie"

Can I come near a little closer
"neng bu neng zai kao jing yi dian dian"

Can I be braver a little bit
"neng bu neng zai yong gan yi dian dian"

Even if I know that it will always be a one-sided love affair
"jiu shuan rang wo zhi dao wo yong yuan zi shi dan lian"

I will still keep my gratitude
"wo ye hui chang zhe gan xie"

Smilling to you and say goodbye.
"xiao zhe he ni shuo zai jian"

Here's a preview of the series. It's cute...

Cutest MV ever... Wonderful Life

Toothache and Heartache

Because I am stubborn and I haven't actually done something to get rid of this pesky tooth (supposedly a year ago) I am suffering big time. This is one of those times when I want to slap myself hard because my molar is really painful. I swear, I've been whimpering like a sick kitten from sun-up because of THIS... grrr...

I just have this weird assumption that when my heart aches too much, this pesky tooth wants to do a duet with it... I feel a little heartbroken... with who, don't ask... it's the same old sh*t i just can't get over with. Pathetic I know. Or maybe who knows, I'm just trying to deny myself something; maybe I am not heartbroken... I just think that we are hopeless. (Ba't naman kase di pwede ang Chinese sa Pinoy?) haha... just kiddin'... as if may future... malala na ko.


Nah, actually I am just sad about the fact that I've been wasting time for nothing. I already know and (as far as I have convinced myself) I've already accepted what reality is waving furiously at my face. I am just a mere spectator to his stageplay. It's really amazing I got struck. I felt like I'm hooked. Naks!

But going back to this pesky tooth, I feel like it has its own mind (again, just like my heart). Whenever I'm scheduled for a tooth extraction with my dentist, it becomes like THIS -- it aches, it swells ... it's like it doesn't wanna leave me. Hell, to think that I don't really need it. I must get rid of it, else suffer forever.

Whatever, I am getting rid of it. I just have to endure the pain. I know I can.

Situation F**k*d (beep) Up Now Normal (hehe)

The cold battle is over between me and my brother. No words were spoken but we know everything's okay now. Oh, well, not really okay as there are still some issues left unsolved but we'd rather not talk about them.

I would like to be a good sister to him. The problem is I really don't know how. Maybe I am too self-absorbed to notice that all along, I've been nothing but a nightmare to him. Pero, I swear I am trying my best to be good -- 'wag magsungit, 'wag maging maldita, 'wag awayin yung mga girl-lets nya -- but hey, what can I do, Iam just an 'Ate' -- somtimes, I need to appear tough to him. But yea, not all the time.

Whatever... I am just happy.

SNAFU! Situation Normal All F***d (bleep) Up

I am not a quitter.

I will stand by these words until my last breath. Naks… Really, I don’t have to be dramatic but I’ve been smothered by anger the whole afternoon today so I am trying to relax and give myself some respite.

I am praying for that day when I will see AQ (the magazine) for real. Pwede rin yung AQ na tao… kidding. I’ve been doing the maiden issue for too long that the mere look of it [the mock-up] makes me want to puke my insides out. Really, I feel like an anchored raft in the midst of the Atlantic ocean. So futile, so helpless.

My dilemma? The printer told me that they wouldn’t be able to deliver the magazines on Tuesday in time for Gelai’s event where it is supposed to be launched. Haayyy… if only I wouldn’t be damned to curse… grrr…

But anyway, as it has always been my principle in life not to be defeated by defeat itself. Ano daw? For me, it’s better to move on than to wallow in distress. It wouldn’t solve the problem anyway so why fritter my time away to such mindless act?

I swear I’d lay down every ounce of my self worth for this magazine to happen. Now, I want something to make it all worth the effort. I know some people’s ears are probably burning with my unending qualms about this project but what can I do, I myself can’t even see the end of it (or of the first issue at least).

Adding up to my woes are the schmucks who think they’re God’s gift to the world… Well sorry to deflate your overly humongous egos… the world can go on without you. I can live without you so get your sh*t out of my sight. Oooopsss… sorry got carried away. I swear these people believe they will be here for eternity. Too sad, they don’t know that life is too short compared to forever to live most of it in good faith. I’ll just pray for them.

Weekend… weekend… It’s already half past nine in the evening but here I am in my workstation sending last minute emails to more writers for our second issue. See, the first issue’s not even out and I’m already killing myself for the next one. Wake Up Thet! Blah…

Morning dilemmas

If health is wealth, then I'd be poor...

Morbid as it may seem but I think I wouldn't live too long to witness my old age. I'm only 24 and I've been having a lot of problems with regards my health. Recently, my back pains are getting worse and I've been having trouble with breathing.

And so I went to see a doctor to ask if I'm gonna die anytime soon (just kidding). I just had my blood pressure checked for fear that at this age, I am already highblood. Wrong. I am low-blood - 110/70. That explains my constant near-faint episodes and blacking outs (but really, not that serious). The doctor gave me three sheets of prescriptions and [as a matter of fact, I'm leaving my workstation to buy these medicines now].

Three sheets -- Cerebrex (whatever that is) for my 'Stiff Shoulders' caused by tension and stress and not sleeping on time and too much thinking.. hehe, an anti-histamine drug (which name I forgot and is definitely not Benadryl) for my allergic rhinitis and the remaining sheet -- a list of exercise that i need to lift the weight off my shoulders. I wonder if they have a medicine to really lift these burdens off my shoulder (figuratively speaking!)

It makes me think -- it really is worth to invest in my health. Afterall, I owe my body some respect. God gave it to me whole and when I came back to see Him, every part of it must be in good condition.

***

Bills Bills Bills

I could practically hear Destiny's child high notes wringing in my ears. Geez, I work to earn my dough to pay all my bills. Sabagay, this happens to everybody. I made this happen anyway. Had I known something about managing what I earn before, then I wouldn't be a prisoner to this horrid experience.

First, I am a credit card junkie. I am paying quite a handful on my credit card bills alone (actually me and my sister share). I've got two cards and what I owe these two combined can actually buy me car ( a second hand, that is). What a waste! I get really pissed at myself when I think about how much food can I put on our table with the amount that is being wasted from binging on too much materal stuffs before. Haay... me and my selfish little ways. I swear I am working on that.

Now I have to endure a couple of years before I can finally free myself from the rope that binds me to these credit card sharks. No more and I mean NO MORE credit cards for me.

***

Now I have to go back to work.

Kim Jae Won Interview

Thet, Wake UP!!!!!! (Pampagising...)

As mentioned, this guy is my current juvenile obsession.

Must be this smile... hehe... ang kulit...

Hmmm...

... am speechless...

ZZzzzleeeepyhead

8:43am

My mouth's gonna rip from too much yawning... Geez, I'm sooooo sleepy! Looks like I went to the office early today to carry on with my trip to dreamland. I was half-asleep half-awake while traveling from my house to the office and as soon as I reached my cubicle, I drowsed off like a baby. But since I am not thick and I do respect my work, I accept my defeat and succumb to my fate - work.

Yet, my mind's too numb to function and there's just too many things that I need to think about right now. (Thus, this blog). Like I thought it was over with AQ's first issue yet I still am killing myself trying to finish everything; then, there's the second issue that I have to start working on. Hay, life. As long as I know that God wouldn't give me anything that I can't handle, I'm at peace.

Oh-My Oooopppsss Moments

bloop·er (blpr)n.

Informal A clumsy mistake, especially one made in public; a faux pas.

Everybody has bloopers. I was probably waving my hands like a total wacko when God showered the earth with the ‘blooper potion’. Hence, the birth of Thet – the blooper Goddess.

It's funny how I always make a spectacle of myself in the company of my friends (in the office) or in public. It never fails and I always wanted to tuck my face in my undershirt should it be possible.

Specimen No.1:

In a lot of photos, I am usually that person who has her own world (A) I am not looking at the camera (B) My mouth is hanging open like a mad volcano's crater (C) I am covering my face with my right hand -- i swear, it's always the right. Because I laugh like crazy and I just can't stop laughing once it hit me, the output is this ----->>

Specimen No. 2

The controversial P & F, B & V. I often hear people with braces mispronounce P as F and V as B and vice versa. But I don’t have braces; I have an overbite. It might be a good justification. Sometimes, I want to knock myself in the head when I drop this clanger whenever I’m in a formal meeting or when I am speaking in front of a large audience. It’s just so embarrassing.

Specimen No.3

Wayne (my seat/officemate) says I am deaf. Actually, he claims either I’m deaf or I’m just naturally dense. I know, harsh no? In truth, there are times when people tell me something, it just doesn’t register. I think those were what we call ‘total brain shut’. It’s like my brain cells just decided to give the day a rest without my permission. Thus, nagiging slow ako. Hehe.

Specimen No. 4

My usual tripping-in-my-own-foot episodes. I have a notion that my early demise will not be caused by my heart ailment; I will perish because of my own clumsiness... hehe. Thus, I hate tangled-up cables that obstruct my path (for sure, I'm gonna trip on them), my favorite square pinstriped slacks (because I am often victimized by them... what a way to repay their owner) and anything hazardous (ano daw?)

So, I leave you this: SNAFU. Situation Normal All F*ck*d Up!

Hurt

What would you do if you were suddenly bombarded by hurtful words and hateful rantings that you didn't know were already being harbored by a loved one? Me? I am devastated.
I am really hurt that thinking about it makes me wanna cry.

I had a big fight with my 'kuya' a few days ago and his words of revulsion keep ringing in my ears until I can hear no more. AND I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS OKAY. And to think that argument started with something really petty -- my period. Don't ask.

He said that I am a manipulative b**ch and that I didn't deserve an ounce of respect. Wow... some very comforting words I got there; hit me hard... smacked me right in the middle of my face.

Yes, maybe I was that dominant mega-mean person that I used to be at home but I AM really working on it now. I am changing myself to a better person. I am a work in progress... slowly, I will get there. I am trying my very best to assuage my temper and purge every ill and vile attitude that I had before. I swear if you have your whole heart in it, it will happen.

Then it happened. Maybe I deserve that; maybe he needs to let it out of his system. He deserves that. And right now, the last thing I want is to stay perpetually mad at him. As if it can make everything okay. I know it wouldn't but I am just a person and I am really really really hurt. If only I can hug him right now and tell him I am not what he thinks, I'd do that.

But right now, I am just an older sister -- wounded and crying inside because I don't deserve his respect.

Prince Charming

I've found a new boyfriend. But he doesn't know... that I even exist... Haha! Friends, meet Joo Ji-hoon (a.k.a. Prince Xin in Korean Drama "Princess Hours"). This is his cutest pic...

Delicioso...

His Cuteness...

Thanks Dishwalla (For Kach)

I often find friends through music; probably, it really is my life. As long as it is / they are there, I will keep on breathing.

And so I thank Dishwalla with all my heart for introducing me to Kaching a.k.a Kach, Kay, Kai (what’s the difference?). It may be very trivial for others but I think that’s how the universe conspired to make us good friends. Hadn’t she known I like Dishwalla, she wouldn’t have lent me her precious iPod (kala ko nga ibibigay na e… haha... kiddin’) to let me indulge in the sweetness of that band’s melodies and hymns. The rest is history… Actually no; we will never be history for I know this friendship would last a lifetime, generation gap and all (errr…. peace?!?!?!)

Katherine Kay Choa Ching – such a charming name for a tough persona. But it isn’t all about what we see from the outside. Beyond that armor is a sensitive heart, a crybaby, a tear-jerker as proven by the number of days she went to work with two swollen-shut eyes from too much crying. God knows how cumbersome her predicaments were at that time and we can only be glad she overcame. If there’s ever a girl who has balls, si kaching yun!

Kach, that girl who’s pretty inside out, clumsy as she may seem from time to time (remember showing the world your open fly in one of your cigarette breaks? How about your constant tripping-in-your-own-foot episodes?) is an angel who [probably] lost her wings upon threading the chaos of the mortal world. She may appear stern, a certified biAtch to those who gets on her neck and a nightmare to those who aspire to overthrow her powerful stance but to us she’s a friend, an ally, a guru of the geniuses of the 80s I so failed to witness… (Mabuhay ang Echo and the Bunnymen!) tsk… tsk… But on a serious note, she’s a mother to a wounded child, a big sister to the naïve (like me? Hehe) and the St. Nick of those who often crave (like me again =))

I would surely miss those hearty laughs, those fits caused by our sometimes unfathomable sense of humor. I will surely ache for your occasional ‘tag-praning’ episodes; the rated-R conversations between you and Vida [and yea, Gelai) that appall the hell out of me (hehe… ang bababoy!!!) and my regular “second hand” nicotine dosage from our cigarette breaks. It’s amazing how you can make the whole world laugh and cry with you without lifting a finger. I wish I could do the same.

So now I wish you GodBless on your journey to the outside world. (naks!) You’ve been there; you’ve done that. You know how to make it work. You always have my prayers. Mishuuuuuuuuuu bunch already.

Gotta earn the dough

I’ve been working for almost five years now but the funny thing is that I haven’t actually saved anything to secure my future yet. I haven’t really invested on something big which I could proudly say, is the fruit of my hard work. Looking back, it makes me feel a little sad to realize that I actually haven’t made something out of myself yet. Or, probably I’m just thinking too much about having a [tangible] savings, the proof that hey, I live my own life now. Sure, I’ve lived independently for a couple of months, using my own resources, standing on my own feet but I went back – I went home.

Now, all I could think about is how to fill in my pocket, to have that savings… to buy myself everything that I want or get a life insurance plan at least. But at the rate my pay is going, I will not go anywhere… yet. It’s just enough to pay my bills and give me what I need. Nothing extra. So dream all I want right now and in the future, I’m gonna get them. Just not now.

I have been browsing the net for some freelance writing job postings and every part time job I could get… haaayyyy….

when the brain cells just decided to quit...

i just wanna write but i don't know what to write about.

Ironically, I've been writing mounds of articles these days to fill the empty pages in Asian Quality. But it's a different story because they're all nothing but technical stuff that I just pretend to understand. They say when you're a writer, especially if you're writing something technical, just pretend you know your stuff and you'll get away with it... hehe... funny...

Anyway, I just wanna rant about what happened to me today and yesterday -- which, by the way, is totally a blast. It's too much to go into details but bottomline is I got to talk to the people whom I've been missing these past few days... my sweetest friends bebelle and mark who migrated in LA, and [funny] my ultimate, perpetual object of infatuation -- yes, you know who he is (hahahaha!!!!)

Nah, it's just nice to bring back the old days through the genius of technology... thanks to the internet... err... what am i saying? basta bottomline, na-miss ko sila and I'm happy to be in touch with them.

About work, I'm kinda wondering actually why the ogre hasn't psyched me out for quite some time now... nakakapanibago... totoo ba ito? hehe. Hmmm.... what's in his mind kaya? tsk... tsk... paranoia eats me alive.

As usual, the magazine's not up yet... heard they're moving the deadline again and seriously, i'm not pleased about it. God, when will this ever end?

sign?

The other day I asked for a sign from God to help me decide about something. If I see a white rose or a bunch of it the whole day yesterday, then I should follow my heart.

The funny thing about it is that I forgot about the sign completely as I was busy at work and I haven't had the chance to go out and explore the outside world. The question is: does that count? =)

Okay, I didn't see a white rose (only a drawing of it) at all as far as I can remember. I felt sad about it. Is God really telling me to just give it a rest? Maybe it's really not meant to be. Then what gives me hope?

***

Whatever happened to me, I have no idea. These past few days, I've been very early at work. And it feels really good.

The reason why I love AQ. (A start-up magazine nightmare)

A few more sprints and I'm there. The magazine is almost finished but I can't breathe freely until it is in front of me. Call me an over-reacting prick, but really, these past few days, that magazine has been haunting me even in my sleep. Tsk... talk about paranoia. I think I'm being paranoid that we wouldn't be able to release it. If that happens, I'm gonna kill someone. No, I'm going to murder a bunch of asswipes who made my life miserable while at it.

Geez, it's been months, nearing a year since the concept came up. Didn't think that a start-up is this friggin' hard. That time when my boss told me I'm going to be the project lead for this magazine, hypocrisy aside, I wasn't exactly elated; i was afraid of the responsibility. But hey, who would think that I'll be getting there? 'Yun nga lang, madaming side trips. Like this one time when I was scorned alive by the hurtful words of my boss that I am not doing anything to make this magazine happen. In a way, it became my wake up call and decided to make him eat his words. I became more eager and passionate (err... too strong a word) about this project.

Maybe the problem was really me in the beginning. I did not trust myself enough that I can handle a project as big as this. And I got no motivation at all. All I had were plans in black and white but none of them really did exist. On top of these, people around me are more skeptical than positive that this can really happen. What a bunch of pessimists; how can you expect me to feel differently? Anyway, I'm glad I overcome.

With this kind of job, I have to do away with my indecisive attitude and forget about myself. I have to be 'thick' when necessary. I have to be resourceful and quick-witted. Otherwise, I'd be stagnant. And so I wrote thousands (okay, exaggeration) or hundreds of emails to various people whom I felt are potential subject matter expert writers for the magazine. Most of them ignored my mail while a few wrote back and promised to contribute. But hey, promises are often made to be broken... so really, I didn't hope. I needed a plan B so I relied on referrals. I emailed and made a bunch of phone calls to strangers until I got answers... or more aptly, until I got the articles. I contacted prominent names in the industry and asked for appointments for interview hoping I'd be able to feature them in the magazine. In my mind, we are all people -- they fart and belch like me so I shouldn't feel intimidated. And thank the good heavens, i got replies. (Watch out for IBM and HP in the magazine's first issue). Slowly, I put pieces together until I'm left with only a few to fill up.

Right now, we're still experiencing hell -- the confusion caused by some unwanted entities that (who) does nothing but inflate their egos at your expense. I thank God he gave me my editorial consultant who is too kind, she's always there to lift my hopes up, Em, the newbie layout artist who always puts up with all kinds of sh** and my circle of friends in the office who boost my morale when I am nearing sanity lapse.

The psyching out continues and the skeptics are still out there. But one thing's for sure, they wouldn't get my spirits down. It's too high in-fact, I feel drugged. I haven't had proper sleep these past few days. The magazine still haunts me.

A long story made short (?)

June 30, 2006 (Friday)

It’s the last day of the month. I’m supposed to be happy because at last it’s payday (I sound pathetic I know but hey, one’s gotta pay her bills right?) I’m supposed to be excited about what July has in-store for me. I wonder if there are more financial woes coming or will I be able to struggle my way up from this current deep shit? But then, July means Asian Quality Magazine’s maiden issue launching. And despite my confidence that we will be able to finish the editorial content on time, I don’t think these people around me trusts me enough. And that’s what pulls down my spirit.
I also feel bad about making one of my friends in the office angry at me. He’s the kind of person who doesn’t get mad easily and I pushed him to the limit. I know it’s my fault and God knows I am very sorry. I just find it difficult to apologize to a guy like him. My bad, my ego’s been deflated.
Oh, and I had an initial interview at Federal Land Inc. this morning for the Public Relations Assistant position and I am glad it went well. In fact, they are asking me to come back this afternoon for the exam on logic and the likes. Too bad I can’t make it. I have to finish a lot of things for Asian Quality. Despite the fact that I’m currently on a job hunt, I know my responsibilities and I wouldn’t leave them hanging.
Anyway, I really feel bad I made someone mad… tsk… tsk…

July 1, 2006 (Saturday)

I still have the dark clouds hovering over me. I need to make amends with my friend. But hey, I was trying to make him laugh and make the first move but I think he doesn’t wanna buy it. I feel like I look stupid. So I give up. Be mad all you want… I care less. (there goes my pride again…).
Vida, Cristine and me left the office early to grab some snacks (lunch for Vida) and “talk” (if you know what I mean). We haven’t had this in a couple of months and we missed pouring out our thoughts on each other. I’m glad Cristine is doing very well these days. Vida, on the other hand, had the same sentiments she had even before leaving for Germany and my heart goes out to her. I mean how can one person die in the inside and appear so alive on the outside? Why ask yourself Thet, you’ve been in the very same situation. In fact, you are currently in the same situation. Maybe that is why I can’t help but be very bitchy at times. (I still feel guilty about my friend!)
Anyway, I spent the rest of my afternoon watching Superman with my ‘Kuya” and “Ate” and her boyfriend. I even got (well, we actually) into a fight trying to reserve good seats to complete the deal. But a bunch of gays cut in the line... that made my blood boil. despite the fact that i truly hate getting into one, i confronted them. Some guts I got just for Superman... hay nako...
Eventhough some of my friends find the movie a little off (di daw maganda) i still love it, except the part where Lois Lane suddenly becomes too class and poised... whatever happened to the clumsy one? I like that better.
Anyway, still have no internet in the office and I wonder what would happen to Asian Quality... tsk.. tsk...

July 2, 2006 (Sunday)

Galing mangunsensiya ni Cristine, I can't stop thinking how big a biAtch I was to Wayne. I promise I would make it up to him... I'll say sorry first thing in the morning tomorrow. It's my fault anyway. Sometimes Thet's gotta do what she doesn't usually do (lower her pride) tsk... tsk... first time ito.
I am also preoccupied with thoughts about the Asian Quality Magazine. Geez, it's killing me... what am I going to do? is hanging yourself, 35 floors up from the ground an option? I'm being morbid, I know. But I gotta finish it. I have to finish it. I want to finish it. Determination... that's what kills me.

Pusang Gala!

some blah blah s**t...

In a world where we do not know where and what are we really going to end up, what is the whole point of going too far? The real world doesn't tell us about our future nor it gives any promises that we will be what we want ourselves to be. Humankind becomes evil by its own regard; we are mere angels who fell from the ground. Some took off their wings while others chose to keep them.

In my own judgement, many angels have broken wings. Everyday, on my way to work, while walking the streets, while hailing a cab, I see them -- looking at me. I maybe among them. But then maybe not.

I want to understand why there are so many people who seem to be always looking for something even though blessings are already peering at them straight in the face. They make me feel sad; they make the world cry. And I pity them. What gives contentment? What makes people say 'enough'? What would it take to make someone happy (in its truest sense?). What does it take to see someone give that genuine smile and the tears flow from the heart?

Everyday, in the world that I live in -- the corporate setting - I am disappointed by what I see. People work like machines; as if there's no heart in them at all. I don't mean all -- sometimes, the ones on top are the more heartless kind. The ones at the bottom receive the blow. How can one man feel superior over another when they have the same pair of hands, the feet that keep them attached to the ground, the mind to think what's wrong or right and the heart to feel?

I wish we have the answers. I wish we have the cure for this malady. The attitude is infectious and eventually, it will all lead us to death.

Eight things

(Sorry Kat, this took eons before posting... )

Tagged by Katkat

Once you've been tagged, you have to write eight (8) facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose the six (6) people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

1. I am a heavy (as in addict) coffee drinker. Been trying to cut down for ages... haaayyyy...

2. I have a strong belief na dati ako akong pusang gala. Maybe that's why I like them so much ('wag lang yung sobrang kadiri na).

3. I've seen the movie "My Sassy Girl" more than twice the number of my fingers and toes(^_^). Yessss... I AM A FAN.

4. I have this weird case of last song syndrome (LSS). Yung tapos na yung kanta at may panibago nang tumutugtog pero ang kinakanta ko pa din yung previous song. I find it annoying.

5. My bad mood remedies : Pachelbel Canon in D; Christian Music; Be deaf and mute for about one hour; and FOOD.

6. Madali akong patawanin. Ergo, madali din akong paiyakin.

7. Ang juvenile ko magka-crush... hehe...

8. Addicted ako sa Korean movies at soap ngayon... hehe.

I'm tagging Kai, ChinChin and Katrine. (Sorry, I can't think of anybody else to tag...)

My 'Kuya'

Hay... how time flies. Whenever my mind flies back to yesteryears, I can't believe that I used to help you dress yourself, even make fun of you while at it, asking you to wear my school skirt despite your protests and cries of torment. I am truly sorry.

I remember that time when you were born. I woke up surprised to see that I was hugging 'Lola Inang' instead of mom. It turned out she was out to deliver you into this world. It was funny though because I can't remember being angry at the situation or feeling threatened that someone would share pop and mom's affection; that I wouldn't be the 'baby' of the family anymore.

In fact, I was kind of excited. I shared your crib and even your Cerelac. I accepted the fact that you can have everything that you want because you were YOU. Yes, there were times when we fought like cats and dogs, imitated Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior because of some petty squabbles with 'Ate' as our usual referee.

When I remember those, I can't help but laugh. How you have grown over the years. Sure, we still fight; You still make my blood boil and drive me out of my wits. You still make me cry. But being your older sister, I don't have the heart to be mad at you for so long that I often give in. I let things pass because even though you don't say it, I know you are sorry.

Being a softie isn't a part of you. You always project that 'toughie' attitude that sometimes repel even our folks. Yet you are so caring and so sweet, a loving and thoughtful 'Kuya' who takes care of both 'Ate' and me . Truly, you are the 'Kuya' that we never had.

I thank God you didn't grow up to be a delinquent or a rebel. Instead, you choose to be responsible and be the 'kind' person that you are right now.

An artist, a musician, a romantic -- you are all of these.

You are growing up so fast. You are maturing beyond your years. And I am so proud of you.

'AYLACHU' KUYA!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Mwaaaah!

Cute...

Ang cute... (",)

Behind the enemy's smile...

Has the world turned suddenly upside down? I caught the monster smiling at me; I’m not sure if it was the usual vile smirk I’m seeing but it still gave me that ethereal feeling. It wasn’t true at all. But he did put me in the spot. Was he trying to make amends? Was he trying to win back that sick little kitten ‘who’ was too subservient to be true?

One thing is for sure. I am not giving in. He put up the red flag and now I’m waving it [furiously]against him. And no, I’m not giving in. He pushed… I pushed harder… away from him… away from the ruthless arms that strangles the last breath of self-respect. I’m winning it back; I didn’t lose it in the first place.

Quoting the great ‘Churchill’, “I will never give up…” not until his stone cold heart turns out to be as warm as the smile of a skylark (does it even smile?). For now, I will traverse these thorny paths until I reach the dreamland that awaits me. It’s not too long; it will be soon. I can already taste it – the sweet soothing taste of glory.

- Ode to the monster that gobbled me up whole as a birthday gift -

Eto... Panalo...

Clay Aiken's impersonator Michael Sendeki during the American Idol Finale. Sobrang funny!!!

Bwisit.

It may be this headache that's been killing me for the last couple of hours or I just woke up on the wrong side of my itsy-bitsy bed.
I am really annoyed and pissed off and bothered at work today. it's weird because I can't tell what really causes me this torment but I have a slight idea of what it might be. Ang gulo... leche. I'd bet my bottom peso -- about 75% of my gloomy attitude is because of work. I am f***ing feeling it again -- the helplessness; the feeling that you are nothing but s**t; a freeloader to this profit-making factory (the burning pits of hell on earth). And I swear to God, I know within myself that I'm not even half close to this.
To hell with the people that make me miserable. I love life, it loves me back... die & rot asswipes.

***

premonitions...

10 am- I haven't done much. maybe because it's Monday. We all the have the weekend hang-over. But then again, maybe it's just me...
At the count of three, I'm gonna be officially ill... 1... 2... 3...
I feel like I'm coming down with a flu; a week-long flu that will get me bed-ridden, immobile, useless, hurting all over because of painful joints and aching muscles, light-headed... yet peaceful (^_^) - no workload and s**t...

Sensitivity... the word that kills

I am sensitive – extremely sensitive. I can laugh at the silliest jokes (only I could appreciate) and shed tears a-la-Maria Cristina falls just by listening to Pachelbel’s Canon in D. I wouldn’t try to explain.

Yesterday, my onion-skin like emotional “aptitude” was put to the test. Just when I thought I felt the worst in this hell-on-earth cleverly disguised as a ‘money factory’, I saw what is probably next to it. I was scheduled for a meeting with the Public Relations Manager of this huge company that I was trying to get for the CEO Profile of this (as you all know, I assume) magazine that I am putting together. The meeting place, aside from its unforgivable farness to Makati where my office is, is unfamiliar to me ‘coz I haven’t been there. Adding up to my qualms was the heavy downpour brought about by the first storm of the summer. Our company service was suppose to take me since I arranged for it a day before to make sure that my transportation will be secured. Heaven knows what happened but to make the story short, I ended up commuting my ass off to get to my destination – 30 f*@%ng minutes late. Nakakahiya di ba? Maybe the good heaven blessed my crying soul and granted that PR person to be nice enough not to embarrass me. The meeting went on for about 30-45 minutes and a little before 5pm, I was done. And I thought everything would be fine by then. It turned out my ride home (or back to the office) will not be able to make it as well. Grrr… So I was stuck in land far far away, in a stormy night with noting but self-assurance that I will be okay and I don’t have to make matters worse by being mad about the situation. Instead, I waited patiently for nearly two hours for my heroes – Kaching and ChinChin who went all the way to where I was, storm, traffic and all. I love them.

What annoys me about this whole situation is the reason why everything that was planned was practically shunned to give way to bureaucracy. I hate it. It is vile; it is evil. For the most part, it saddens me that even in a kingdom where there isn’t really any king, that stupid concept prevails. I wasn’t given a ride because the wife (?) of Mr. So-And-So, a high company official, just arrived and needs a ride from the airport. She was given priority of course. And I thought we are advocates of professionalism. Pity. Or, a colleague suddenly needs a ride from where the hell he’s coming from and without the slightest hint of sympathy to that someone (ak.a. me) gets the ride for himself. Jerk.

What saddens me the most is what I often feel about this whole thing – I am unappreciated.

Over-reacting or not, I was pissed.

post v.cay blog

It's only been three days [now] since I got back from my vacation with my family in Boracay but it didn't feel like I really went away for a time. With the load of work that I have right now, I could use some more vacation if given a chance. While I'm here doing all the dirty work to make this magazine a reality, my mind's off somewhere, probably catching some ZZzzsss while basking in the glory of the sun and sipping its favorite choco-banana-peanut shake from Jonas' in Station 1.

It's just so sad.

The little time I had spent with my family during that five-day (in total) vacation was like medication in a way. It, temporarily rid of the incessant head throbbing everytime I think about AQ (the magazine); it made me high I thought I could die =)

I didn't wanna go back until I wake up and prove to myself that this is all just a dream. That I've been sleeping for the past ten months and I was just too tired to break this slumber. The last thing I could remember was that I was a happy-go-lucky business reporter who didn't care about anything or anybody just as long as I could submit my story; then I'm done. I had my own sweet time and I indulge on my craziest whims without worrying at all on anything. Haaay... how did I ever come to this?

You know what the ironic part is? I hate complaining. I hate hearing people complain. I hate being the subject of complaints and I hate myself for complaining about where I am right now. I must stop. Now. Else, I will be more miserable than ever.

How many breaks will I need before I can truly say that I am happy about what I am doing? Ten more Boracay visits? A week in Purto Galera? A month in Baguio where I lived half of my adult life? I guess it's hard to tell. Thanks to these people around me, I still have this little piece of sanity left -- although just hanging by a goddamn thread.

pre-v.cay. blog

i just realized - bitin yung entry ko kahapo... hehe..

i got this from kat and it's pretty neat!

The results of MY analysis say:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

Hmmm... I could say... yea, I'm talkative =)

Been A While

It's been long and I missed updating you -- blog.

I'm being happy these days... I don't exactly know why. It just feels like the dark clouds are finally moving away. This, despite all the problems associated with my Asian Quality -- the magazine. =)

I've been thinking: While it's good to immerse yourself to disparagement once in a while, it is more worthwhile to see yourself coming out of it. The problem with me is that I cannot actually dissociate what I am thinking with what I am feeling.

Sweetness, thy bitter soul!

Why is it that mornings are becoming least and least interesting as each day goes by? She was thinking to herself: How long can people last to endure its sweet repulsiveness? The traffic jams are no more than lullabies to a listless soul, the crowded walkways in the piazza where countless human stink – at least on a glorified level – amalgamate to enthrall your still sleeping wits.

Another day of cold battle, she thought to herself as she made her way [still] giddily to the bathroom. If only she could wash out all that has transpired the previous day and the day before that – if only it’s as simple as that, then maybe life would still be the rainbow-colored realm her childhood has instilled upon her. Or what if these childhood memories are not that even sweet and her subconscious is just trying to keep cover of the hurtful ones? Ah, that is just some lame thought that is being played upon by a sensibility that’s lost and prowled upon by life – the miserable one.

What would it take to regain what was there – that tiny spark of hope, that craving for triumph and the bidding to stay afloat no matter how strong the current goes? What was there was gone the moment her feet took her to the pits of this burning hell; a chaos of the realm – the underworld of the tangible. She had the time to turn back before it gobbled her up whole. She was mystified.

What is that sadness behind her eyes?

just so sad

Because I am too fond of reading my horoscope, here's what it says today:

You are approaching a major turning point today. Get ready to make some changes.

It's a long road, this life, and it's full of big questions. But go ahead and try to work out solutions to the immediate problems. Taking a practical approach might be just the ticket. Clean your room, organize your office, make sure your bills are in order and then go out at night. Time with friends can be a needed relief from all those solitary 'where does this road go anyhow' questions.

It really amazes me. My self is in a complete disarray right now; or at least my thoughts. I thought a quarter life crisis only happens once yet here I am,convinced that I am standing atop a cliff right now, hanging on for dear life.

I feel really bad. = (

18:22

I'm currently pissed off at myself. I know it's the last thing a person should feel (because if you won't love yourself, whoelse will, 'ayt?). I feel like I'm being a pathological liar to my own self. i keep denying things, emotions, feelings... whatever. I feel like I'm masking whatever it is that's inside me. There is nothing more sad than feeling sad within yourself and showing others how happy you are on the outside. Not that I am being sad or anything but I'm not just my old happy self anymore and I really really miss it. I hate being like this. I hate how I usually find myself staring at nothing for what seemed like an eternity without anything on my mind really. Geez, do I need medical attention?
I hate thinking how I felt like I found myself in someone and lost it all at the same time. I did not die; I am hibernating. I am loving the serenity of my own world -- my peace.
Can I ever ever come back?

I slipped and banged my head on the floor...

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you suddenly banged your head and woke up from a deep slumber? That feeling where you felt like seeing again for the first time?

It's hard to tell if what you're feeling [at that moment] is actually true. But you certainly do not want that feeling to just pass you by; you want to hold on to it. It gives you a certain level of exhiliration after being caged [in your own perception of things as dictated or implored upon by whatever's holding you captured at that moment] for quite a long time. I certainly want to hold on to this feeling.

So what's my point? Later.

Isang nakaka-adik na umaga

On my way to work this morning, I'm bombarded with lots of thoughts (ang hilig kase mag-isip) with Manong Driver humming along to the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" song that was playing in the background. Not that it's annoying, but really, it was kind of distracting.
First, I am really furious with my brother for not going home (without our permission) last night. I felt like I tolerated his being a spoiled pain-in-the-ass attitude by actually helping him find the resources for his little outing. Ay nako, that kid will really get it from me later when I get home.

(pause) whoa... My boss is here... I thought he'd be in Cebu today... nyarks... =/

Anyway, just last week, I was caught up in a dilemma about work. Well, I guess it's been solved already. Yesterday, my friend called to tell me that she's turning down the job. Apparently, there were some changes on the original set up that didn't please her much. So I guess the same goes for me. And I guess I'll be stuck in this office for quite some time. Actually, I think it's kind of a blessing in disguise (I hope I am right) since now, I actually have to finish Asian Quality. And did I tell you, the Asian Quality (the person) is coming back... =)

"Panggap" Day

Eto yung mga araw na tinatamad ang lahat ng tao sa opis na magtrabaho... madalas ito tuwing Sabado -- yung mga araw na hinihiling mo na sana ay natutulog ka pa at walang pwedeng umistorbo sa'yo, dahil araw ito ng pahinga.
Eto yung mga araw na imbes na itinutuloy mo ang mga naudlot mong "to-do's" sa nakalipas na linggo, ay nagdo-download ka ng kung anu-anong kanta sa limewire o nagche-check ng emails, o nakikipagdaldalan, o simpleng nakatunganga lang.
Eto yung mga araw na longer-than-usual ang conversations namin with Jean over the phone without feeling really guilty.O di kaya, hindi masyadong pansin kung pumasok man ng late ang mga tao.
Eto yung mga araw na justifiable magsuot ng kung anu-anong damit ang mga tao (rugged, girlash look, mukhang a-attend ng party, mukhang papasok sa mosh-pit, mukhang magmo-mall lang, you decide.) na hindi pupunahin ni Sir Madagascar... hehe.
Eto yung mga araw na hindi masyadong Toxic si Kay, habang nagpapatugtog lang ng music sa 'boom-the-base' nyang speaker. Minsan, generation gap. =)
Eto yung mga araw na okay lang magtitigan maghapon ang lovebirds sa aming maliit na kahon (kung sino sila, kilala nyo na).
Higit sa lahat, okay lang akong mag-blog hangga't gusto ko. (",)

Post-Vacation blah

just the other day, i was sooo excited to tell people about my Hong Kong experience. Well, actually, there's really so much to tell; I just don't have the gusto to write about it. Now, I'm suppose to be working on some things -- my real work and the 'on the sides' -- but hell, just when I am starting to gain my momentum to finish some stuffs for my Asian Quality, Wayne invaded my little own working world to use my PC and I am here at his table blogging myself away. Haayy, this guy, I could really kill... grrr...

Anyway, I am once again torn by a dilemma that only me could answer. My question is, if you're not really happy with what you are doing, but you still have the propensity to do it, would you just give up and flush everything that you've started working on down the drain?

A friend called me up the other day to tell me that she's in need of an assistant in Public Relations (PR) and I am the perfect candidate. In short, she wants me to work "for" her. The PR job is really something that I wanted to do, after my journalism career episode (whoa, did i just say that?!?!). Well, based on her offer, the pay is good but it is not really something to brag about but it will definitely help me go by. And the opportunity to become a core part of a newly-established department in a well-known government bureau is not really something I could just pass up. In other words, I would really love to have that job.

My dilemma: I am not sure if just resigning amid all these Asian Quality madness is the right thing to do. It is already moving and I would love to be a part of this endeavor. I woud surely love to see its first issue printed. But it is not coming out until July, so there.
Second, I will surely miss the company of my friends here -- these people whom I have grown to love more each day. Another working setting would mean another set of people to know and not really please but work in harmony with.

Anyway, I'll have to decide sooner if I really want to get a hold of that job. This makes me sad really.