A bluff.

Dear Friends,

This is my last day on earth. And I'll be saying goodbye with such sweetness that you wouldn't really forget me. My life has been meaningful and happy and rainbow-colored because you all have been there throughout - at my lowest and at my highest. And more than the company, the laughter and the memories, it is the meaning that you've drawn upon me that I will treasure the most.

Now I know why I liked looking at clouds so much, why I could stare for hours at these white fluffy 'things' without getting tired, without blinking my eyes, without failing to shed a tear. I knew I'd be here walking one day with such innocent grace. I'll be walking barefoot on my white and red polka-dot dress with the wind blowing on my face. With my hair and my dress swaying along the silent rhythm.

I'll be remembering you dear friends. I'll be watching you from where I'll be. I'll be speaking to you through the wind and I'll be singing you life's sweetest hymns. I'll be giving you back my love -so imperfect yet tangible.

I'll be that someone who'll be with you forever.

***

No, I am not yet going. I couldn't think of anything to write about so I thought it would be neat to write my would-be last unspoken words. A bit dramatic, don't you think?

Teardrops on my guitar

A song by Taylor Swift... certified cheezy but I am so liking it...

Of ministries, porcupines and sea urchins

In this world, there exist all kinds of people and we try very hard to find our place in it and find peace among ourselves. We strive hard to be happy; sometimes ignoring the fact that happiness isn't really achieved by merely addressing our whims or our wants or, even sometimes, our needs.

I have had that share of being at a total lost, succumbing to my pessimistic views and wanting to be just happy. I didn't even know what would make me one. My understanding was too shallow in fact that I was almost convinced that laughing my heart out, being in the company of my friends, having a decent job or having a peaceful home were all it meant to be happy. But as I grow deeper into my relationship with God, I knew in an instant that there is definitely more to it than just that.

Before I started attending Church again, I was worried about being bound by religious practices. By that I mean being compelled to go to Church every Sunday or doing this whole ministry thing and ‘saving’ other people. I had a very different understanding of what it means to be a Christian. It’s not that I got it all wrong; let’s just say that I do have a more profound understanding now of what being Christian is all about.

As much as I think that I am not prepared yet, I am looking forward to the day when I would start touching lives and taking part in ministries at the Church. I am taking it one giant step at a time. I learned four important points in today's church service: 1) that God is the provider / manufacturer and we, merely distributors (of His grace); 2) we should know what people need; 3) There isn't really such a thing as 'Love is blind' ; and 4) Give all the glory back unto God.

I've seen many people act like they own the world or as if they are God's greatest gifts to mankind and only them can fulfill whatever lacks in this world. Hate to crash some egos but they think very wrong of themselves. There is only one provider and that is God. He 'manufactures' whatever we people need and we are tasked to distribute it to whoever needs it. This is where sharing the word of God comes in.

And sadly, this is where the porcupines and the sea urchins come out... the porcupines and the sea urchins among people... among US. When people need something, they tend to be embarrased when someone suddenly turns up and offers a helping hand to address their needs. Sometimes, I am a sea urchin wallowing in my own flood of needs and I tend to prick and deflate the life jacket that is being thrown at me for shame and for putting my pride down. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who feel the same way. I've seen and met them. I learned that instead of turning our backs on them and just heal whatever wounds they've caused us (because of their spikes), we should try to embrace them more. Not because love is blind but because love is the truth. We only found the truth in God's words and that is what He is telling us -- to love others as He loves us. And when we start making them believe, we should bring glory not upon ourselves but back unto God.

I have met a lot of porcupines and sea urchins in my life and boy, they never fail to bring me pain, to cut me deep, leaving me emotional wounds that take time to heal. I still am hurt and my heart is still screaming with hatred But I promise, I'll be working hard to get it off my system.

Night outs with the 'goofy bunch'

Last night was the fourth time this week that I didn't go home early and didn't eat dinner at home, much to my pop's dismay and the reason of our arguments (I always spend time elsewhere... I always go home late... I was always out... blah... blah... blah...) . I think I have to blame Kaching since she's the reason why we're getting together every other night ('coz she'll be going back to Singapore again soon)... Just kiddin'.

Last Monday, I met up with Tina at Coffee Bean to just talk and unwind. Tuesday was the first night that Kach was here so we spent some time at 'Fuzion' Greenbelt (really love hanging out at their bed-turned-couch) while I was enduring a very very bad headache. Wednesday night was my 'me' time so I got a full-body massage and just enjoyed a full night of relaxation. Met with my sister for dinner afterwards. And last night was another enjoyable and memorable night as I, once again, got those stomach cramps from too much laughing. The conversation was such a sitcom. Our favorite (and probably one of the most memorable) topic was the classic 'Where the hell is Cynthia Patag?' It all started one fine afternoon at work. We were listening to an oldies song from my playlist...

Me: Kaboses ni Cynthia Patag yung kumakanta...

(everyone ponders and laughs at the idea)

Wayne: Nasa'n na nga kaya ngayon si Cynthia Patag no?

Me: Malay... try mo i-email... cynthiapatag@palibhasalalake.com.ph baka sakaling sumagot...

(... then an outburst of laughter) What followed was an intense discussion on the suspected whereabouts of Cynthia Patag, the possibilities and the probabilities, the alleged existence of a 'palibhasalalake.com' website that could shed some light on the matter. Then came reminiscing how she looked like with the big stuffed toy and her irritatingly huge ribbon and short shorts and, of course, the nasal high-pitched voice! Nonsense as this may seem and no matter how deluded and stupid the topic is, this is where we laugh our hearts out.

These goofy people really make my day.

The path I've taken...

*This was supposed to be posted last night.. but didn't finish it.

I received Jesus Christ as my savior today. For the first time in years, I could hear my heart speak truly of what I feel about my relationship with God. I have accepted Jesus Christ in my heart a long time ago but it was the first time that I had someone give me preachings about it. And it was really enlightening. I thought I wouldn't be affected by the testimonies I heard since I am very well aware of it already. But then, I felt this gentle yet moving tugging at my heart and I was overwhelmed by it.

It was my first time to attend a service in years. A colleague of mine (who has been patient and kind enough) invited me to their church and since I have been seeking for spiritual growth for a very long time, I decided to go. My heart was all for it - I really wanted to be reunited with my faith.

When people ask me what my religion is, I can't give a straight answer. I usually say that my family is Catholic and that my mom is a devoted servant of the Catholic church. And I, myself, used to be an active member of the Catholic Church until I was disheartened *big time* by the magnitude and gravity of hypocrisy I've witnessed. I didn't want to have anything to do with that particular church anymore. I stopped attending church. Don't get me wrong, that didn't mean I've turned my back from God. Ironically, this has strengthened my faith in Him even more and deepened my personal relationship with Him. I thought as long as I have given Him my heart and accepted Christ as my savior, I'll be fine. I love talking to God and I found I could talk to Him whenever, wherever I want to... in whatever situation I am in. It's like I've made prayer a habit that is too hard to break and I've no intention of doing so.

I learned today the three 'songs' that a person can choose from in taking his / her direction in life. The Song of the Hypocrite, the Song of the Happy and the Song of the Heavenward. As the speaker was rambling the things that make a person less of a hypocrite, I wonder if I was one. He said there are two kinds of hypocrites - the religious and the self-righteous. I thought I fell under the latter. Those were the people who don't go to church, who do good and moral things but don't have any "real" relationship with God. At the back of my mind, I was fully convinced that I do have a personal relationship with God and my faith is very much in-tact. Little did I know that there was this tiny little thing that is lacking - repentance. I believe I am a good person despite the fact that I don't go to church and I distant myself from anything that would make me look religious. I forgot that I am a sinner. Aren't we all are? And I haven't done anything about it. I acknowledge God but I refused to acknowledge my sins. So, it hit me hard; that probably, it's true... the relationship that I have with God is not as sturdy as I thought it was. I felt lost all of a sudden, but it didn't take long before I found my path. That path that led me straight to Him.

Cat Talk

I can't believe that it's been more than a month since I last wrote here. I guess I was too pre-occupied with keeping myself busy and meaning to be really busy that I refused to visit my blogger until I saw a spider crawling out of the 'web' already. Funny pun, don't ya think?

It's quite unusual that I choose to write tonight, at exactly 11:30pm on the eve of Maundy Thursday about something that has not anything to do with Lent. Some people would probably think I should be writing about reflecting on my sins and all those activities that we do during this time of the year, but I think it's just not me. I have a very high respect on the Holy Week considering that I grew up with a family that so strictly observes it, with such passion and tradition. I could probably say I am not really a fan despite the fact that there's a guilty tugging on my conscience about it. Here I am, typing on my laptop, while everybody else out there are singing the 'Pasyon'. I may not be really religious but I do believe in Christ's sacrifices...

Okay, going to the true idea of this blog... I put 'Cat talk' in the title 'coz I wanted to talk about my cat Miyo and how we are quite worried about him having rabies. About two Saturdays ago, he bit me and my sister while we were giving him a bath. I know what you are thinking right now: why the hell did i gave a cat a bath? (Here in the Philippines, it is a stupid superstition - cat's are not supposed to be given baths since they could lick themselves). I just don't believe in that thing. Again, I would revert to my same and only argument - if cats aren't supposed to have baths, why did they ever invented, cat shampoos and cat soaps and all those 'cattoiletries' eh?
Anyway, Miyo is acting quite different. I wouldn't day strange or weird; just different. He's not his usual annoyingly super hyper self. He's always sleeping and he's drooling at times. But the thing is he still eats like a dog and he drinks water. He still plays but not as enthusiastic as he does before. He's just probably growing up, some people here say but I can't still help but to get worried.

Now, if you're gonna ask, if we are taking anti-rabies shots, the answer is a painful yes! We've had two already plus an anti-tetanus vaccine. We missed the third one because of the holiday, but we're definitely getting it as soon as things get back on schedule. This is quite scary if you'll ask me but whatelse can I do, right?

Crazy love shite

I miss someone today.

Hay nako, feeling ko magda-drama na naman ako. I said I wouldn't be affected by the slightest thought of him. But because of this super jologs song, I felt that familiar heart-being-crushed cold feeling once again. Nakakatawa naman, affected ako dahil sa kanta ni Kim Chiu... ibang lebel ito.. haha!

Probably it's because it's the hearts month (obvious ba, I'm justifying my 'kagagahan') hayayay... again... I'm over it... I'm over it... I'm over it... *repeat until I'm dead*

Okay, para maka-relate kayo...

I hate the way you walk Hate the way you talk Hate the way you look at me I hate the way you smile Hate those *big* brown eyes (erm, they're really not big...hehe) Cause I know they're not for me Cause we can never be More than friends And it hurts me Every time I close my eyes All I see is you
And this crazy love Crazy love Oh this crazy love Crazy love I hate thinkin of you Cause everytime i do I just keep on missing you And I hate the way I feel Everytime you're near Cause its feels like time is standing still But we can never be More than friends And it hurts me Every time I close my eyes All I see is you And this crazy love Crazy love Oh this crazy love Crazy love I hate it when you're blue And how I cared for you Hate the way my heart desires And I hate those sleepless nights And the pain I kept inside But I keep on Pretending it's alright But we can never be More than friends And it hurts me Everytime i close my eyes All I see is you
And this crazy love Crazy love Oh this crazy love Crazy love
I don't know what to do Hate me for loving you Cause I know it's wrong for Me to say... I love you...

Whatever happened to the "I'm so proud of myself because I made it!" huh? I know some people would think I am being really pathetic (ang tagal na!) but guess what... probably I am not talking about him anymore... oh, well...

I'm happy.

I'm standing between this world and a dream...
but i know... this is the REAL thing...

This song keeps singing in my head lah...

Anyway, after a very enjoyable field day yesterday, I'm back to the pits of hell (ooppss...) I didn't report to work to go to my doctor (but I wasn't able to). I was somewhere far down South meeting other people and exploring a whole lot of different world - the world of drawings and designs, architecture and engineering and CAD... huh??? I was doing a part-time technical writing stuff so I had to come down to their office to meet the people whom I'll be working with. I met this guy, probably in his40s who reminds me of the pretty dude... it felt... weird. I guess I am really past that stage where the world turns upside down when I'm reminded of that person. Ooh... does this mean I am way over him? haha.. I'd like to think so.

Working yesterday on something that isn't related to what I really do (and outside of that place called the "office") is somewhat fascinating. I was enthusiastic and overwhelmed at the same time. I felt like a kid who's attending her first day in school. It was very exciting. I haven't had that feeling in the last two years. You probably know why.

I can't thank God enough that He's finally revealing life's little surprises to me. One by one... little by little. And it makes me happy... genuinely happy.

I was torn if I'd skip work again today (that was the original plan) to report to the other office. But then again, there was a strong tugging at my conscience, not to mention, I was suppose to have a meeting with my boss, so I decided to go to work. To my dismay, however, the meeting was canceled and I was bombarded with a lot of magazine-related stuff to do. Oh, well, I guess that's really how it works.

For now, I have stuff to keep myself busy

Going once, going twice...

one more gone, one to go and still, i stay...

yesterday, another one 'celebrated' her last day at work and come next week, another one would leave the company with that genuine smile on her face. I am really happy for them. I guess, I'll just miss the company. Just when we are getting to know each other, they leave. Sad, isn't it?

Last Thursday, I finally told my boss that I have offers for another job. Man, I don't know if it's just me or did I really saw his 'coolness' died down a little? I hate to brag, but I feel he was a little shaken by my news. He suddenly offered me increased salary, was nice all of a sudden and promised a lot of things. Had I've been a newbie, I'd be elated by these promises, but nuh-ah... been there, saw that, been disappointed a lot of times by that. So, I am still considering the other offer. Although I suddenly had a slight tugging in my conscience about the 'baby' I am leaving behind (in case you are thinking I am referring to a person, I am most certainly not)... I guess I have to stop being so nice about that if I want to move on. They would have to get someone to replace me and continue that magazine venture 'coz I think it would be a big waste. I really hate it when he said that he would fold it up once I'm gone. Don't you think it is stupid? If I was able to do it, I'm sure there is someone out there who can do what I did for this magazine. Or he's just probably bluffing. To be honest, I almost care less.

I am still thinking of leaving. When? That I have to figure.

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh.. oh no... I think I got the bug once again... this pesky, silly, mixed feeling of getting excited, getting undeniably happy, then getting sad, then thinking about how pointless and hopeless it is... hay... I'm sure you people wouldn't understand me. And I don't really want to be understood. I just need to let this all out.

Blame the month of February? Okay, now I think you got me.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

What is it with this whole 'can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence-world-series' kind of crap? It got me thinking about real life fairytales and knights in rusty armors sweeping their ladies off their calloused feet. So sweet and so real. They are happening to everybody BUT me.

I think I'm having an overdose of [korean] soap operas because it makes me believe that when it comes to that four letter word, everything is possible - An extremely good-looking, smart young executive in his late 20s would fall in-love with a random stranger on the street. Mind you, this girl must be poorer than a farm rat! (I met this very handsome, Seth Green look-a-like executive in a recent press conference I attended... hoping... hoping...) Or the one who got away - your oppa when you were barely a teen, comes back all of a sudden and paints a picture perfect life with you. The last one's impossible for me 'coz I don't have a childhood oppa.

Anyway, I close my eyes and I see his smile ... darn!

In sickness and in health

No, I am not going to blab about weddings and all those 'I do' crappy stuff... I am far from having one anyway. I am going to talk about my mom. I am feeling extra cheesy and mushy today that I want to reflect on my current relationship with her.
As everybody knows, (or at least those who were 'lucky' enough to hear my everyday rantings), I have quite a typical mother-daughter relationship with my mom; that love-hate thing can be very usual... so usual in fact that it pretty much defines all.
I didn't go to work today because I had to go and see a doctor for my check up (for the -nth time) for my skin condition. I was supposed to undergo a biopsy but the dermatologist suggested otherwise since the progress of whatever this irritating rashes are weren't that drastic. Cool.
So, who else can go with me but my mom. She had to call in sick just to be able to accompany me and since I am pathetically broke these past few weeks, she had to pay for my check-up and medicines as well. I've spent a lot (my saving's near to extinction) for my weekly check-ups and all those medicines that I had to take. I never imagined I would splurge so much on something which I don't really like, but I need. Sucks, really especially when you want to buy something but you cannot because you have to save the money for emergencies like this.
Anyway, while I was walking hand-in-hand with mom on our way to the drugstore after my check-up, I realized that I haven't really spent long hours alone with mama in a long time. I can't remember when was the last time we went out for a walk or grocery shopping or whatever. Maybe it's because I think (and my sister would agree with me on this), it's hard to be around mom. We don't know why but we often say how we can never be in the same room with her for a minute without ending up arguing. It seems that we cannot agree on something anymore. This afternoon, while spending time with her, I realized how much I miss her. Or how I don't feel ashame, sleeping and leaning on her shoulders while in a jeepney. I used to do that a lot before; I can't remember when did I stop or why. It was a little saddening realization.
I just thought that no matter how far we go in life, there is this innate feeling of wanting to go back to where we came from or be near at least. In my case, just like a sick little child, I still call my mama's name to feel better.

Good morning God!

Hello God! Good Monday morning! =) I pray this will be a good day for me, or week, even. I hope I'd finish all my pending tasks and that I would be up to my responsibilities. I hope I'd never frown or feel those numbing tugging feeling at the strings of my heart... I pray I'd be smiling always and share the happiness that would be within me.

I pray for the people around me... that they would be up to the challenges that this day and the days ahead would be bringing. I hope to see smiling faces, some gentle nod of approval and hear their laughing hearts.

I pray that I wouldn't be angry and would not succumb to that hatred that swallows me whole whenever I see those people who have aggravated me or hurt me in one way or another. I pray that this hatred would just go away.

I pray for those who are hurting... that the wounds in their hearts would heal. I pray for the recovery of their faith and the will to live life for its beauty.

Thank you God and I love you! Amen.

Singapore dream...or anywhere but here

My back is aching and my arse is numb. I've been infront of my computer for hours, searching the net for job openings abroad - particularly in Singapore. I don't really know what came to me but when I opened my yahoo mail and saw occasional job postings for Singapore, I thought "What the heck, it wouldn't hurt to try." And so, here I am trying my luck =)

I remember telling myself that I would only leave my current job for a job overseas - preferably in Singapore or anywhere in Asia. I wouldn't want to go too far yet but hey, anywhere but here will do. I am probably so desperate and my feet are itching too much to get away. I always wonder how an independent life (as a grown-up this time) would be. My independence during my college years was completely different 'coz I had to live by my parents' money and generosity and not my own.

I always dream of having my own place somewhere abroad, living a simple yet pro-active life. I will be going grocery shopping on weekends, eat at diners (alone most of the time), go home and watch whatever's on the tube, indulge in my favorite books and movies, volunteer at corporate socio-civic works, travel at nearby countries once in a while and enjoy the company of some new found friends. Me, myself and I on a foreign land... sounds really exciting.

Why Singapore? I just fell in love with the place the first time I saw it last year. The people, the places, the way of life. Compared with other Asian countries I've been to, I love it the most. I admire how people are well disciplined and respectful of the government. Although I sometimes fear how people's seriousness might be contagious. We all need to smile and laugh at our foolishness sometimes.

dementing dementor

My boss is like a dementor - he sucks all the energy and happiness out of people. I just came back from a 15-minute-but-seemed-like-hours talk with him and as usual, I'm nearly lifeless when I got out of his room. Dang! Whoever invented that 'grin & bear' stuff...

For days now, I've been really contemplating on whether all these bullsh*t is still worth it. (If you'd browse through my previous entries, you'll find this dilemma over and over and over). For months, I've been waiting for something to come my way and if the opportunity is as promising as Ikuta Toma's near debut in the Japanese Entertainment industry, I would hold on to it with what's left of my dear life. I don't really know if my reasons for staying are still valid to the eyes and the ears of those who have been emancipated from the 'dark lord' (literally and figuratively speaking!) I trust what my friends (from here at work) think about this whole thing and they are saying the same thing- it is NOT worth it.

So why am I still here, pathetically complaining through my keyboards? It would probably take heaven and hell to explain myself but just to make things simple -- it is because I am a kind-hearted, considerate, professional and practical person. Nah... let's do away with the negative words for once. hehe. Weird but it makes me feel guilty (I don't event know if it's the proper word to use 'coz I don't have to feel guilty about anything) when I think about leaving the magazine behind. It's like leaving your baby behind - after all the sweat and tears and sacrifices, I'm worried it will all come down to nothing. Not really saying I'm the only one who could make this work (or I'm irreplaceable) but I have no idea what will happen once I'm hands off the job already.

R.I.P. Brad Renfro

Fly away beautiful man... R.I.P Brad Renfro (1982-2008)

How appropriate can this be?

image from here.

My current obssession

Why wouldn't this face be? *Thet swoons and drops (drooling) on the ground*

Whhaaat?!? Classic case of 'anino pa lang, ulam na'...
Folks, ladies and those who want to be one, meet Daniel Henney...

1st post this new year.

This post is long overdue... haay. I've been meaning to write something here since Christmas.... then New Year... then back to work... But laziness got me and yea, then again, I think there isn't anything really special to keep my batteries fully re-charged and overly excited to update this blog. But now I'm doing it (I swear, I can't keep my mind-mouth shut!)

Anyway... Christmas was special as always...although I did nothing really special. It was a time for me to reflect and think things over and what I've become since last year. Weird thing is, I really don't remember what happened or who I was last year. Probably there isn't much difference. So I spent Christmas and New Year at home with my dear family. I had a good rest during the vacation.. got plenty of hours to sleep... was able to (finally!) clean all the mess I've accumulated in 2007 (literally and figuratively speaking!). And now, all I should worry about is what to expect in the days ahead.

In terms of work... I don't know if it's proper to say this but it's like I don't have any choice. I am already having doubts if I still really do love this work but one thing's for sure... I wouldn't leave things hanging. In short, I'm going to finish all my projects before I transfer (if ever there would be a chance... actually, there is an offer but I'm still weighing things...)

My spiritual self... my faith is whole and intact and I would never leave room for anything that would make me go the other way. I am still a self-confessed (whatever you call that person who feels like he doesn't really belong to any religious group but still believes in the supreme power). And honestly, I don't want to be hanging anymore, I hope I'd find my 'home' soon.

My health.... it's slowly deteriorating. 2007 was a very sickly year for me. I lost a lot of weight (not only because of my darn braces but because I was sick most of the time). Stress and tension ate me whole. Now, I have these tiny little rashes which was recently diagnosed as 'pytiriasis lichenoides' - of unknown cause (stress & tension triggers them though) and very very itchy.. ayyyssshhh... what's happening to me?!?!

Love-related angst. What?!? hehe... nevermind. I am still convinced I have successfully outwitted that four-letter - harsh, painful, sickening - thing. I was able to control my emotions and let go of the past and probably look back and just shake my head of such absurdity. Now I can really smile. =)

Whatever, Thet. Happy New Year to me and to all..

xoxo
Peace!

Fights.

I just had a fight with my mom about an hour ago. And after all the screaming and hurtful exchange of words, I feel bad and guilty and sorry. The reason was very petty and a little bit funny actually ( And I wouldn't dare elaborate) and we ended up hurting each others' feelings. I bet there wouldn't be any talking between us for the next couple of days. Unless of course I lower my pride and apologize to her... which I will... tomorrow when everything has cooled down.
The problem with mom... no matter how she shows and tells us how much she loves us, everything seems to be forgotten the moment she opens her mouth when she's angry. She curses, she calls us useless ingratas, she wants us out of her house and it almost sounds like we're the worst thing that ever happened to her. I know she doesn't really mean those and it's just a sudden burst of temper that brought it out but still, her words cut deep.

The problem with me... I couldn't hold myself back for just one second. I talk back. And I talk back with such cruelty that I regret everything that I say the moment they come out of my mouth. I am such an insolent brat or at least I tend to be in this kind of situation. Probably it's because I want to hurt my mom the way she hurts me. It's a battle of words and carelessness - we forget that we are a mother and a daughter who loves each other dearly.

Speaking of fights. I had a fight too with my pop last week but we're okay now. At least that's what I know considering that he's talking to me again and he asked me to eat the dinner he cooked yesterday. That's the thing with papa... when he knows that he started the fight and that he really did offend me, he wouldn't really cling to his pride; he'd make a small gesture to show that he's not mad anymore. Mom's also like that but she tends to be more dramatic.

***
Chinchin and I almost had a misunderstanding too yesterday. I was in a really bad mood that I thought I kind of lashed it out on her (and to all other people who were within my 2-ft radius). I just wanted to be invisible that I didn't want to talk, eat, move, look at other people or even hear them talk. I was in a very b*tch* mood that it was a little bit over the edge. It was really a bad timing and a lack of comprehension that Chin got a little pissed of. It was a good thing though that I explained myself to her immediately before the situation got ugly and the next thing I know, we were laughing our asses of at Cafe Breton in Greenbelt after our meeting with an advertiser. Glad to talk than to shut up, if it would mean getting things resolved.

Tearjerker video

I saw this video again and I can't help but be a little sad =(

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

It made me think how in a matter of months, weeks even, I'll be left behind in the office - the most depressing place for me these days. My friends there will soon be leaving for better opportunities and I have never been happier for them but I can't help to think what will become of me when they leave. I'll probably be one of those loner workaholic loonies who doesn't have a social life... waahh... nooooo! hehe.

On a serious note, I will seriously miss these people. But I know that no matter what happens, these people will always be there for me - ready to cry for my pain and laugh with me like life is nothing but one big party. Come to think of it, most of our friends were already elsewhere but it seems like they never left... thank God for emails and cellphones and YM and MSN messengers.

I just feel a little sentimental when I think about those times when I didn't seem to feel pain because in our world, laughter cures everything. It's funny, the irony of it all... work brought us together and it is also the very reason why we had to go different ways. If there's one thing I'd thank ECCI for, it's bringing you guys to me.

Fruit of boredom

I'm so luvin' this pic... hehe... Boredom kicked in while I was writing a very boring article about some HROD sh*t... so I played with Photoshop and voila...



I am getting stick thin these days... sh*t.

My sadness

I am trying to be happy but I'm sad. Have you ever felt crying and not wanting to stop? Geez, why do I feel so sad? I wanted to be happy but every time I try to look the other way, something happens and it makes me feel so frustrated and sad and I just want to mope and not talk to anybody.

I can't even remember the last time I laughed with my heart laughing along with me. I tried shunning away the black clouds, but still, they are here. Why am I so sad? This makes me feel so hopeless, useless, unwanted, uncared for... I am probably extremely sensitive that I can die
with mere words.

I feel pain now - I can literally feel my heart being ripped.

Back to the Real World

And so... the vacation was over.

Chinchin and I went to Hong Kong last weekend. It was a very short, yet sweet and nice getaway from my troubles back here at 'home'. It was my first time to make a decision on something huge (at least for me) like that. Thing is she needs to go there to babysit and do some errands for her business, and since she knows how 'kaladkarin' I am and how I've been going crazy and needed a break, she took me with her. Well, I had to splurge on it but it was actually worth it and it wasn't really that costly. Kasama ko kaya ang 'Bangko Sentral ng Tsina'... hehe... Peace Chinchin! I was actually supposed to work there but I didn't... =)

We left Saturday afternoon and arrived in HK around 7pm. There wasn't anything much to do that time so we just stayed 'home' at her cousin's flat. The place (Ma On Shan) was quite far - about an hour from Central HK. It was in Kowloon side. Chin's got three cutesy nephews which we had to babysit. The next day, we got to see Acha, Chin's friend since highschool. It was really nice to see the two of them reunite since Acha's already based in HK for good. We went to The Peak - the coldest place I've ever been to apart from Baguio and Genting in Malaysia. We took the 30-minute train ride to Shenzen and I was given a five-day visa upon arrival at the station... so yes, I could say I've already been to Mainland China... ahaha (for two freaking hours only as we needed to be back in HK by 7pm).

I don't know what is it with me when I travel but I always get sick. I puked all over HK on our last day. I got this terrible headache where it felt like I have about a dozen bricks on top of my head. The feeling was really awful that I vomit every chance that I got. I didn't get to eat and boy, I hate the smell of noodles (most of what I ate and barfed out of my system). To top it all, our flight was delayed (Thanks to Cebu Pacific) by four hours from 10pm to 2am. To make it up with the irritated passengers, the airline officers gave us meal vouchers. Nice. Too bad, I can't really eat yet. But the food was nice so I tried. Then, we just hung out and did all possible means to amuse ourselves - including fafa hunting but to no avail. =) It's really alarming how the "fishes in the ocean" are becoming scarce these days - kung hindi bakla, taken... sheez! Arrived in Manila past 4am and reached home 30 minutes later.

And, I'm back to reality.

Pusang Antok...

Super cuuuuttteeee!

Ladyholden on Vox...

Hi peeps...

I got a new blog (again!) and I'm loving it...

Please visit www.ladyholden.vox.com...

If you want a sneak peak of my overly dramatic life... v(^_^)v

Kewl.

Crazy (little) doggie... WonBin-shi

How can I not love this dog???

Meet WonBin... our one-year old 'third-gen' retriever.. he doesn't look like it na nga... he looks more like a "Chien Dela Rue" (a.k.a. askal... haha!) but equally adorable and cuddly. He's so big and when he gets excited, he'll throw his whole weight on you. The next thing you know, you've exchanged faces with the ground already.

We call him all kinds of stuff and he remembers... we call him 'omoni' (weird but korean term for mother), wonbina, wonbinshi, nini, haramoni (korean term for grandma) and some other unusual names.

Wonbin has all these weird habits that sometimes, I can't help but doubt if he really is a dog or a man who was cursed to become a dog ala '100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd'. Sometimes he barks sounding like a hyper monkey and he doesn't appreciate anyone patting his head. I get a lot of bruise and scratches from playing with him. And he bites (yes he does!)... bad bad dog...

the long weekend.

Nope, I didn't go to Laiya last weekend. It was okay though... I got to spend quality time with my family amidst the usual bickering with mom, tug of war with pop for the TV's remote control and food tripping with ate and kuya. It was indeed a very long weekend for me, I got bored to my wits that I started working Sunday afternoon... hehe... I know, workaholic ako you people would say... But no, it's just the lack of a better thing to do that drove me to work instead.

I spent most of my time in bed, in the arms of my loving pillows... sleeping. Atleast I was able to make up for those insomniac nights where I was up until 3am, getting up four hours later for work. It was so unhealthy and I tasted my abused body's sweet revenge when I got sick for two whole weeks. I lost a lot of weight that I was able to fit into that old pair of jeans which I had since first year college. hehe...

I am starting to regain my weight and, to my delight, my appetite. To hell with my braces, I learned to appreciate the value of things (food to be exact) that is already within arms reach but we take for granted and the agony that's there when you can't have it. I literally cry over it. I swear I am talking about food and not some heartache. =)

I miss a lot of people during the vacation. I miss Vida and Kai and Tere... I even miss Chinchin and Gela who I know I would see today (Although Gela's not yet in) I miss Katkat (Happy Birthday!) and my friends back in college. I miss Pocla who hurt me big time the last time we spoke but I miss just the same. I hope she gets well soon. I miss Mira and Mark whom I have no idea if I will ever see again. I miss my cousins Marianne and Ray whom I only get to 'talk' to through MySpace and Friendster. I miss my cat Sparkie and my old Samsung phone. I miss walking alone at the airport with a big luggage in tow.

I miss my dead loved ones, even those whom I wasn't able to meet because they went up to heaven even before I was born. (But no, please don't visit me... hehe). At the cemetery last November 1, I have heard for the first time some stories about my grandpa (pop's pop) from an uncle. It was quite a story and I felt a sudden pang of regret that I didn't get to meet him or be with him. I am just thinking, we could probably have such a tight grandpa-grand daughter bonding. He seemed like a good old cool grandpa... he seemed makulit like my pop. He was probably like my pop. It would probably be nice to have a 'lolo' whom you could tell your stories to when you feel like the whole world is against you. My grandpa from mom's side also died even before I could walk. I have very vague memories of him. I miss my dear 'Lola Inang' (mom's mom) who was the epitome of a perfect grandma. She was a nag alright but she loved all her grandchildren dearly. I remember how in her old age and that small yet stout body, she would carry me when it rains hard because I hate it when my shoes get drenched. Or how she stays the whole time at the back during my kindergarten class because I would cry when she's out of my sight. Then there's my Uncle Henry who died at Christmas day two years ago. Among my pop's brothers, we love him the most because he was responsible and he was the only one who had balls to put food on the table (except of course pop because he has his own family to feed) despite the fact that he'd been living thousands of miles away in the US with his own family. But I am happy for these people 'coz they are now in peace, somewhere far where people don't get sad at all.

It's the first day of work again and I kept promising myself that I'd be productive. But hey, guilty as charged... I, once again, put half my day to waste, staring at a blank monitor, writing novel-like blogs (ahem) and just... well... thinking about the things that I'm supposed to do but I don't have the energy to do yet. This is what I hate about me. I need to put things in perspective and I have to act rationally. Now...

Wake up.

What am I doing losing my way?

Good Tuesday morning! I hope this will be one helluva different week - more positive and productive and filled with smiles and laughter. I guess I am tired of succumbing to hopelessness and too much negativity.

As much as this dark cloud clings to my head everytime I'm in the office, I am trying to look outside my office window where the sun shines today like it is keeping its promise.

***

We had a slumber 'party' last weekend at Ria's place in South Forbes. Hell, her house is so darn huge like those houses I see only in soap operas and movies. I was, how do you call it... 'house struck'?

And this weekend, I was invited by Chinchin to join their little outing in La Luz, Laiya, Batangas... Can't wait... beach... beach... here I come. =)

Me and my short short hair... ayshhh...

I am having regrets... this feeling that I hate the most. This wasn't suppose to happen. I said I would try very hard to ignore this urge... I knew it would lead me to damnation...

I shouldn't have cut my hair. And now, I'm missing it already... = (

I was just suppose to accompany my friend Chinchin to this Korean Salon in West of Ayala 'coz she wants to get her hair fixed. But then, I found all the justification to splurge 500 bucks on my hair (it's starting to annoy me anyway, I want to sport a short 'do, I want a new look, blah... blah... blah), I succumbed to my whim and entrusted my mane to this gay Korean guy who probably doesn't know how to smile. And it was actually my first time to see a Korean gay guy and it amused me a little... ehehe...

It was probably the language. He didn't understand me or he misunderstood my instructions... I don't know. As far as I can remember, I was very clear "I want this hairstyle" (while pointing to an image in their hairstyle index... "Not too short... up to here only... (while pointing to a spot just above my boob).

But no. The hair cut was a freaking disaster... it's too short. I feel like Go Eun Chan / Yoon Eun-Hye (not that I am as pretty as her...hehe) in Coffee Prince. I look like a guy... waaahhh....
I look like this --->>> (I am not as happy as I look believe me...)

Then maybe it has its rewards... This gay guy I saw yesterday at the conference I attended in Tagaytay might actually fall in love with me, thinking that I am a guy... hehe. He looks like Lee Jun Ki.. he's such an eye candy.. I drooled. Hehe.. Exag. I still can't get over the fact that he made my heart leaped over Mt. Everest and dropped peach-like the moment he opened his mouth. It was so frustrating. Grr... They say when you're heart broken, move on... there are still many fishes in the sea. Problem is, these fishes want to eat their own kind... they huddle together... and they f*** (bleep) together. Oh, man!

Faffy Jae Won's lost twin

This Chinese singer, Nicholas Teo looks like my faffy Jae Won... And I thought 'ngangabunch's' (as my deluded gay cousin calls him) face is unique... tee-hee! Anyway, Nicholas Teo is a very good singer. I like his songs, especially this one...

Sick sick sick

I've been dead for two and a half days - last weekend to be exact. I went home earlier than usual (around 3pm) last Friday because of a head-splitting headache and nausea. I vomited thrice that afternoon and I went into a deep slumber. I have no idea what happened next...

I've been like this - dead on the inside -- for the last couple of weeks. I live through numerous prescription drugs and minimal food intake that I usually take out of my system even before they have stayed long enough in my stomach for digestion. I feel so weak that my eyes hurt at the slight sight of bright lights and my muscles and joints feel perpetually exhausted.

But today morning, I mustered up all the strength that's left in me to go to work. I am probably straining myself too much and the consequences aren't pretty. I wish I could just lie down all day and not worry about work and the pending write-ups that I have. I wish I wouldn't have to stress myself because of yet another delayed release of this magazine I'm handling.

I feel so numb; I'm half-asleep, half-awake. My eyes are open but they don't recognize anything. Everything seems to be dictated by the slow condescending feeling that makes me want to immerse myself in complete isolation. I hear my slow steady breathing but I can't feel my own soul. It left me already.

Why do I feel this dead when I'm still alive?

Mmmm...mmmorning!

This was the first time in months (or probably years?) that I reached the office before 7 am and damn, it felt good. I was always telling my friend Gelai that it was sort of my dream to be at the office early in the morning, watch the sunrise through my office window while sipping a hot cup of coffee, mesmerized by the beauty of (albeit polluted) Makati skyline and indulging in the sweetness of silence.
I'm having a hard time focusing on writing these days and I thought it might be a good therapy for my already rusting brain...

still gray...

Ordinary day, ordinary phase in an ordinary life of an ordinary soul. I still feel so sick inside... holes inside... As Joe Brooks said "...'coz sometimes, faith and your dreams will collide..."

I feel like I have this 'gi-normous' (if there is such a term) hole inside of me that sucks the last ounce of the cheerful me... I am becoming black.

Drama... drama.

What am I doing with my life? I honestly don't know. I am probably in that point where I should be certain about what I am doing and yet, I don't really know which direction am I heading. It's suppose to be simple and clear. I could easily enumerate all the things that I have right now and those that I would want to have in the future. I mean, I am living with my family, I have a job, I love my job (it's different from loving where you are exactly), I love my friends at work, I love the things that I have at work - from the laptop computer that have been so "graciously" given to me (so that I wouldn't have any reason not to do my job well...) to my little multi-colored post-its and to my overly abused coffee cup. They make me happy. Those little things make my day.

But why do I feel like sh*t these days? I feel like I have no direction at all. My everyday routine is turning into a vicious cycle - either I do or I don't. Probably it's the rule of life and I have to stick to it no matter what but this is the point where the character turns suicidal. If only I could put a bullet in my head, then I'd probably have nothing more to complain about. I am starting to sound so deluded and out of my wits but I really feel so low. Work is putting too much pressure on me and I need some time to digress. I need some time to be alone. I want to hide myself in a little cupboard on a one-way-ticket train heading somewhere far. Sometimes people wonder why someone who seems to have everything suddenly ends everything.

I have lots of dreams - I want to apply for scholarships abroad and continue writing. I want to write my own novel someday - chic lit, some Pulitzer-prize worthy sh*t or a self-help book, it doesn't matter. I want to be published and be taken seriously as a professional journalist. I want to be my own captain or work for someone that is worth calling a 'boss' and not some stupid f*ck who thinks peoples' lives revolves at the palm of his hands because he feeds them... sanctimonious pile of dung.

*This is probably my entry which has the most number of cuss words in it...

I am not angry. I am pissed off. I am frustrated and 'am half-tempted to sleep and never wake up. How come it is so damn easy to smile when deep inside, you're mourning for yourself and the death of your happiness? I can easily forget sadness when I see people and talk to friends and bombard myself with worries about what I haven't done yet that needs to be done and what I shouldn't have done. I forget the pain and the tugging feelings of brain torture, regret, heartache and who - in heaven's name - knows. Sometimes, no matter how I love being around some people, I tend to pull myself away for fear of giving them the impression that I am giving myself away too much. Friends come and go but little do they know that a part of me dies along with those who killed my trust and respect.

I miss being carefree and being stupid not caring whether the world thinks I am just a gum on a side street, ready to piss the hell out of someone. I miss being invisible yet important and loved. I miss smiling for someone. I miss laughing for no one. I miss ME.

Ma... mama...mum... mummie... ma...mom...

This one's for you... Happy Birthday Omma!!!

Flu, flu go away...

Why am I such a weakling? I am down again with a flu - terrible colds and a painful cough. Like the magazine that I am working on, this virus seems to attack me on a bimonthly basis - I usually get infected once every two months.

Haay.

But my day wasn't limited to lounging in bed the whole time and sleeping like crazy but instead I am in front of my laptop, typing away some email responses. Plus , the not-so-nice ogre have given me tons (again) to worry about. So what's new? I might as well carried my ass off to work.

I feel so bad... especially my sinuses. Do you know that awful feeling when you swallowed salt water through your nostrils... bleck! I can't swallow normally and my air passage is being blocked by gallons of (forgive me, but I have to mention) mucus... ehehe... I wish I could get rid of them with one powerful blow.

My mom's even blaming me for getting sick. She said it's my six hour computer marathon yesterday afternoon that gave me the bug. Totally incoherent but hey, mom's a mom - they think they are always right. I'd say I've been exposed to too much radiation (from the PC screen) and this aggravated the situation. The next thing I know I have a high-fever.

I can't help it, I finally found a site where I could watch Entourage whenever I want - sidereel.com. Try it! It got almost all the American TV Series and even new movies. So nice. I am so hooked and crazy about the Ari-Lloyd tandem. Anyway, I was alternately watching Entourage at sidereel and 'The Coffee Prince' at youtube the whole yesterday afternoon. Mom's probably got a point.

Anyway, I hope I can get to work already tomorrow as I've tons of other things to worry about other than this darn flu.

Pachelbel Rant

I love Pachelbel Canon in D with all of my being but this guy just made my night =) hehe... enjoy Rob Paravonian's funny rantings about how he hated Pachelbel...

I'm hungry, thus, this.

My horoscope says I have to use my creativity to make dinner and I should invite friends over. Now I believe, it isn't really true. How can I make dinner when I don't know how to cook?!? Me and my pathetic self. As a matter of fact, I'm waiting for my kuya to finish cooking pasta for me. I haven't had any real food since I got my braces until yesterday. I tried eating a full meal at Uncle Kenny's during lunch and I ended up with a hurting mouth and jaw the rest of the day. Tsk...

Anyway, I'm glad I am somehow getting used to the feeling of having a 'metal' in my mouth. But I still can't eat a decent meal and I sooooo missed it. I have slurred speech (at times), I can't smile pretty anymore and I drool (hehe). Talk about the perils of having this thing in my mouth... haay. Looking at the brighter side, I am losing a lot of weight. I just hope it wouldn't be too much 'coz I don't wanna be a walking stick. I still have to wear this for eight more months.

Moving on...

Once again, I am in this situation where I am confused about what I want about work. A friend got in touch recently and she wants me to try to get in her company. I'd say it was actually a tempting offer but I still got a lot of plans for my 'baby' - the magazine. I really don't want to leave it hanging just like that. Anyway, as much as I hate the ogre, I love my job and the things that I do. I probably know my answer already.

I still hate 'E'. I wonder what have I done to him to deserve being treated like a nobody... like someone INVISIBLE and not worthy of his attention. It's funny how someone so far can affect me this much (or atleast two days ago because I feel okay now). I have decided not to dwell too much on this 'infatuation' (as he jack-assly puts it) and move on like I actually don't care. I know he couldn't possibly smile for me.

'E'-nough

I've actually posted this blog in my multiply but dang, I didn't see it when I refreshed the page... it must've been too dramatic and pathetic that even my site refused to show it...

Anyway, this post was about my stupid, old rantings about my frustration about this boy *there's this boy and he kind'a has my heart* Now, I'd say he HAD my heart.

I am so frustrated yesterday when I learned (with a little bit of proof) that this guy that I have had my big eyes on for two years, two months, eleven days, four hours and fifteen minutes (as of yesterday afternoon) is nothing but a big ball of a jackass. I refuse to elaborate further.

Mental Dental

My teeth have been ripping off my purse... I'm in a serious need of mouth or more like teeth overhaul. I've been seeing my dentist for the last couple of days and every time, I feel poorer and poorer... waah!

The last time I went to a doctor because of severe back pains, I was diagnosed with a 'sensitive nerve' that might be linked or caused by my 'lockjaw'... whatever that is. No matter how it seemed weird, it was, after all, normal for me - especially when my back kills me that I can't sleep at night because of the pain. The solution -- I had to wear braces! No, not back braces... as in teeth braces to fix the lockjaw and the underbite (or is this overbite?)

And the cost... geez, I'm really not happy about it. I have to pester my mom to help me with the downpayment and now, I have to cut back and stop spending too much to save the money that'll be needed to pay the rest of it. I'm starting to do the major 'money-saving' thing by:

1. Instead of taking a cab to and from work, I take the Makati Loop FXs in the morning and jeep on my way home.
2. I try to bring packed lunch as much as possible.
3. I don't go near a mall.
4. I temporarily erased Starbucks and Coffee Bean off my memory.
5. I am cutting back on late night snacks from 7-11 and my mom's tindahan.

I'll think of other ways I'm sure and I'm crossing my fingers tight. v(^__^)v

My New Hero

Ari Gold rules!!!

Enjoy...

Oh no, not another wedding...

I just came back from one... v(^_^)v

It was Kuya Rod and Angie's wedding day and as usual, I was moved by the event... I really do love weddings. Even if sometimes, it's like a rude awakening about my being perpetually single. *sigh* It doesn't matter really. Aside from the fact that I have a very good reason to be totally dolled up and gorgeous (hehe!) , there is this overwhelming and poignant (Gian, borrow the term ha?!? ehe..) atmosphere that I only get to experience during weddings. It was so nice to see how two different families gather and say all sorts of heartwarming greetings and sweet gestures of welcoming.

It was good 'coz it made me forget all my work-related angst and I've never felt better. =)

My sister caught the bouquet and I was teasing her about it being a premonition... she has to get married... fast! I am excited to be her 'Maid of Honor' All my life, I've never been really a bridesmaid... yup, at 25! My last participation in a wedding was like 20 years ago as a flower girl in a family friends' wedding...and they're not even my relatives. Haha... pathetic.

Can't help but wonder... when will my day come? I guess it is too soon to think about it, considering that well, I have yet to find my groom. Curious... curious... God, I know you love me and you'll give me someone worth the wait. =) I've always imagined what a perfect wedding would be (at least for me). It will be a beach or a garden wedding. I'd like it to be intimate with only the closest of my family and friends present. Everything would be a glimmering white... my gown, my entourage's outfit, the flowers... everything. That is exactly how I dreamed about it. Fancy.

uhmmm... present!

yup... I'm still alive! tee-hee...

and so i've been missing in action for quite some time. can't help it, i am a very busy person. naks! really, no kidding... ive been tormented with too much work this week. since i went back to malaysia, i feel like i've been zapped into a small ball of anti-social fury. the office must have love me so much that it can't wait to have me back. a lot of problems were waiting for me. but anyway, everything seems to settle in slowly; thank God.

however, i feel a little bad about being too angry. i had a small 'fight' with my friend 'G' and we didn't speak for like two days. all these immature 'walang-pansinan' mode just because of a stupid misunderstanding. i really believe in 'what ifs'. anyway, i am also in a not-so bubbly mode these days but ironically, (and i'm seriously happy about it) i am gaining back my appetite. aza... aza... fighting!!! hehe. glutton mode on. =)

then yesterday morning, my head was chopped off by the offensive rantings by the ogre.. it almost rolled off the floor. and the mongrel used the 'F' word on me again! I almost exploded but thank God (you really love me, don't you?) i was able to control myself and yea, i still have my job. again, i don't wanna talk about work because it's not pretty right now.

then there's this friend who's been acting like a totally self-absorbed asshole these days. he really got on my last nerves the other day and yesterday and even today. sad though, i miss the old him. i swear, i would nag him 'till i can't no more when i have the chance.

okay... *kilig* mode on. i was talking (more like YM-ing) with the pretty dude a while ago. gusto ko lang sabihin... pampaganda ng mood. haha! nah, but i really appreciate his efforts to keep in constant communication with me. how he changed from being cold and distant to warm and sweet friend (naks, friend daw)... actually i am hoping for something more. hehe. wishy-wishy. dear guardian angel, make my wish come true *wink*wink...

Finding KJW

At last, I got an update about the whereabouts of kim jae won... hehe... heard he's just done an MV with Taiwanese singer Jolin Tsai...Here's a clip...

Looks like he lost some pounds... got a bit skinnier but cute (for me!) just the same v(^_^)v

Airport bummer

What can I possibly be doing on a Monday afternoon? The usual thing would be finishing some work at my workstation while strongly fighting the urge to snooze even for just a bit. Or I'll be having a late lunch. But today is different.

Today, at 2pm in the afternoon, I am [indian] sitting at the arrival lounge of KL International Airport, luggages in tow while listening to the hubbub of the people scuttling around me. I am watching sweet time pass me by as I immerse myself in a world that I had never seen before. Here, I am alone. I hear people talking but there is just no way to decipher their words; I can't understand them. Here I sit furiously typing at my laptop, thinking what I would do for the rest of the day, kind of feeling hostaged in a foreign land. I am so desperate to go home.
What can possibly g wrong after an unforgettable weekend? I thought by now, my plane would be kissing the Philippine soil already and I'd be back in the comforting sheets of my bed in about two hours. I didn't see it coming. I was so sure everything would be fine. But then...

I missed my morning flight back to Manila. My flight was at 10:20 this morning and I arrived here at the airport at 10am. After all the arrangements and preparations with my transportation, everything felt like it went wrong.

Stories later... Gotta catch the Express Train back to Sentral... haay.

darn.

And though I am friggin' (what does friggin' mean anyway?) annoyed by you...

yup... yup... yup...

Amishu.

Three days and counting...

I've been staying in Malaysia for three days now but I haven't actually been around much. The farthest I got was when I had meetings in the Subang Jaya area where I literally spent my whole day at. I thought I will get lost because I had to take a cab from destination 1 to the Subang Parade mall. I'd say it was some sort of an adventure - being in a foreign land, all by yourself. Sure I have a super nice officemate who makes an effort to drive me to and from my hotel and the office but the point is I want to walk the streets of KL and take lots of pictures and just enjoy the fact that I am really here. It' just so sad, I can't do that now 'coz of work and I don't really wanna ask the favor from the people here. Pfftt..

Tomorrow's another day and it has a promise. I will finally see the Twin Towers... the conference I'll be attending will be held at the Kuala Lumpur Convention Center which is like one fart away or something.. so, yey.

Anyway, I met this guy at the airport on my way here. He's an American or something... not really sure but he's actually nice. Been asking me out to dinner since I got out of the plane. Err... a little off I'd say so no, thanks.

What I'm really excited about this whole KL thing is my weekend. Not because I'd be seeing E for the first time again in months (who am I kidding?hehe) nah, no sh*t, but come weekend, I'll be able to go around without even thinking about work and stuff... and not bothering about wearing office outfit which is so darn a stress! I've only brought a few pairs of clothes... hay.

updates laterz...

Capital Q

and now i pop the dreaded question: how do you know when you're starting to like... i mean really like someone? do you rely on your instincts and go with the roller coaster emotions of loving and hating the feeling at the same time? do you feel awfully stupid whenever you crave the attention that isn't there? do you transform into someone unreasonable and cheesy and unpredictably moody?

is it normal to wish that he'd give you a wave or a smile; a friendly but equally annoying remark that was carefully thought of to amuse the sh*t out of you? is it selfish to want him to smile only for you?

wala. gusto ko lang itanong.

God of wonders

I have, once again, felt God's greatness this morning as I was on my way to work.

The sky was a murderous, pitch-black when I woke up but it was just drizzling. By the time my brother and I went out to go to work, the sky was crying like it never would again. The downpour was so heavy that roads were almost flooded and people waiting for transportation were huddling like babies in sheds and covered corners. As expected, we had the most yet difficult time in finding a cab. Most of the taxi drivers were mean, asking for double fare rates or more while the rest refused to take us in. For fear that my brother, who just got well from a flu, would get drenched, I asked him to stay at that covered spot. I stood by the gutter, waving my arms frantically to every cab passing by, with only one weapon at hand - my little transparent umbrella. I must've looked really pitiful because after about 20 minutes of standing there, seriously looking like I would cry any minute because I'm really drenched and cold and totally afraid of the alternate thunder-lightning-thunder symphony, a cab with a passenger (already!) stopped in front of me. The driver asked if our way was to Ayala because it's his passenger's destination. I said yes at once and we rode the cab - totally soaked and cold. I probably could've thanked him a thousand times and would never get tired of it. I swear I could've seen his wings and halo... I was still thinking if he's some sort of a guardian angel. He made my day. I couldn't thank God enough also for sending him... =)

Workaholism?

I can't remember when did I ever start to become a workaholic. I always see myself as someone who has life beyond the confines of the corporate war zone, but the way I see it now, I am in the middle of it - not caring one bit to get pass through the safety border. I am not enjoying it but it gets me too preoccupied that it makes me forget about my other troubles.

Since the company gave me the 'honor' of granting me my own laptop, I usually find myself immersed at work, this little devil at hand, squeezing thoughts out of my mind. I can't even stand not checking work-related emails during weekends. My unni says this is becoming an addiction - a very bad habit. And what can I say, I totally agree.

It's just that it seems that my work has no clear ending. It's the kind of job that doesn't just rest. When I finish an issue (content developments and all), I have to source [contents] for the next one. Although we have a regular pool of writers, it would need a lot of following-up and sometimes, it's just so tiring. On top of these, we are on a constant lookout for possible contributors, events to sponsor or partner with, potential advertisers - which turns me into a sales and marketing at a snap of a finger! I really didn't imagine myself pleasing the sh*ts out of somebody to win a deal. It's not bad actually; it just isn't me.

I often get bashing from the high and mighty 'ogre; whenever I pose this attitude, flashing on and off on my forehead. He's right when he says that as a team leader, one should be able to take accountability for everything that's been happening within the group. Entonces, excuses, reasoning or whatever-you-call-it are deemed unacceptable.

Okay.

As I often tell my friend Chinchin, I am probably 'crossing-over' from a perpetually-disoriented-and-disgruntled-employee to a someone who has finally saw things from beyond that borderline. In other words, thinking responsibly. But this doesn't necessarily translate to acting like a total stuck up, arrogant, money-eyed tyrant who thinks psyching out people and making their lives miserable would make himself better than the others. That is, generally speaking. =)

Rainy Days on Wednesdays...

Surprise... surprise!

Our company was kind enough to let everybody take a rest for the day - announcing early this morning that work was canceled because of the heavy downpour. I mean I could never be thankful that the good Bathala has finally answered our prayers and quenched this very very dry (and thirsty) land with a taste of nourishment. Rainy season was suppose to start more than a month ago but all we got was this abnormal weather play of alternate sunny and rainy and humid, which actually pose a great threat to our usually healthy lives.

My peaceful slumber was rudely interrupted by the harsh hammering of torrential raindrops on the rooftop. It sounded as if someone was banging the door in panic; it wasn't really nice. And so I slept some more until my mom woke me up for work. Then I read Sheryl and Wayne's kind announcement through text messages that hoorahhh, we have no work today!

Then I remembered, I've got tons to finish... darn... good thing I brought my laptop home with me... *sigh* the downsides of it *sigh*

Loving Colbie!

I was browsing for some lyrics in the net when I came across a song by Colbie Caillat entitled 'Bubbly'. I fell in love with the song at once and so I Limewired more of her songs... since then, she's playing non-stop in my iTunes =)

This is a very nice duet from Colbie and Jason Reeves... "Droplets"

When you're gone

Cute yet sad song...


Avril Lavigne When You're Gone Lyrics

A weird coincidence

This is just a weird thought that I just couldn't shun off my mind.

I started reading (for the 3rd time) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night to refresh my memory about some things mentioned in the Deathly Hollows. The first chapter was about the conversation of the Minister of Magic and the Prime Minister of Britain about some nasty disasters and crimes that have been happening to the muggle world, which in truth was the work of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (according to Fudge). But anyway, it mentioned a bridge collapsing, a series of murders and an explosion.

This morning, as I was watching the Today Show, I was so shocked to see the news about the Minneapolis Bridge Collapse which happened Wednesday evening. It's just so chilling how it was described in the book, something like "50 or so vehicles came falling down the river" then in the news, "Dozens of cars plummeted more than 60 feet into the Mississippi River, some falling on top of one of another."

It just probably shocked me that a fictional accident that I have just read actually happened in real life, killing four and leaving some 20 people still missing. It is just so horrible how mere words inscribed in a fantasy literature were now posted in eNews and printed in dailies. I am not saying that the book was some sort of a prediction or something because it is crazy. It was a mere coincidence and no more than that. The reality of it just hits me hard.

Anyway...

I was so upset yesterday; I cried for the first time in months. It just felt like all my hardwork has been thrown in the trash bin yet again. I felt so sick and not myself. It was like being in the midst of a dark room. I was so so sad.

Never mind the details. I recover fast anyway. (^_^) Aza... aza... FIGHTING (pa din)!!! And to the schmuck who makes my life miserable (without the littlest clue whatsoever) I don't hate you... I hate it that you can't appreciate me. I hate it that I love my job more than ever. Soon, you will really really hate me 'coz I wouldn't be that loser that you want me to be.

Jay Chou (Now and then)

Jay Chou THEN... (Jian Dan Ai Video)... like five years or so ago...



Jay Chou NOW... (Ke Ai Nu Ren Video)... not really now-now but like a year or two ago...

Domesticated Sunday

And I thought this would be a rest day for me. I woke up to my mom's morning nagging... She's arguing with my pop... she has to go to a church meeting and pop was so pissed about her being too preoccupied with that church thing. Anyway, I was forced to get up to 'man' our store (which I totally despise!)

I did my laundry, I cooked rice (which I'm still not an expert all these years) and I fed Wonbin. I was doing a lot of house chores and they felt very new to me. Probably because I am not used to doing them anymore. I felt tired so easily.

Come to think of it... it is probably time that I learn and get used to doing such things. No more Ms. Prinsesa this time...

***

I don't mean to be a total prat and an over-sensitive whining schmuck but I am really really upset with some people. When I was in Cebu, a friend (out of the blue), sent me a message just to let me know that our friends from the other side of the world called her up. She was all jolly and excited and (I dunno) but I kind of sensed a little bragging that our so-called friends still do get in-touch with her (but not me). I really don't know but I really felt jealous. It's probably bad and I kind of over-reacted. But I just feel like despite all my efforts to get in-touch with them and keep them updated of what's been happening to me and my interest to know what's been happening to them(that sometimes I feel like sobrang nagpapapansin na ko), they don't seem to appreciate it. I haven't heard from them in months now and it really saddens me. It's like I already missed the important happenings in their lives and I just wanted them to feel that 'hey, even though we're like heavens apart, I still care for you guys' but they don't seem to care about me anymore. I know I sound too paranoid and immature but I really can't help but feel it. No birthday greetings, no occasional 'How's life and what's up with you these days', no whatever...
Oo, nagtatampo ako. I hate this word really. But it's what I feel right now.
I just miss you guys... =(

J.K. Rowling fan

In my ultra-eagerness to learn what Harry's fate would be (or the details at least) in J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, I never stopped reading until I finished last night. I am a big (and old) a fan of Harry Potter and boy, did I get occasional goose bumps here and there while nearing the ending... and I cried a lot too. I adored some of the characters that were extinguished in the battle against He-Who-Must-Be-Named. I am heartbroken. Okay, I'd say no more as I don't want to be a spoiler

Speaking of spoilers...

Yesterday morning, I was watching the Today Show and as I was inside the shower, I heard the theme of Harry Potter being played in the background. I peeked in (despite totally being covered in shampoo and soap lather) and there she was, her royal highness, the great Harry Potter creator, J.K. Rowling being interviewed by Meredith Vieira swarmed by double a dozen kids. I cannot help it so I got out of the bathroom, soapy and shampooey and all and watched the interview. In my haste decision, I knew everything that I had to without even finishing the book. At least, I got the info from the author herself and not from some arrogant, show-off retard who thinks he / she's better than the others for finishing the book ahead of the lot. I promise I wouldn't be like that because if you're a real Potter fan, you know what respect means. Okay, I am being overboard.

Anyway, now that the Potter series is complete, J.K. says she's planning to come up with a Harry Potter Encyclopedia... yay.. can't wait! I got so interested in J.K. Rowlings life that I googled her up. Here's what I found.

Some interesting watch in youtube:

Deathly Hallows Q&A Interview
Tribute to the Heroes at the Battle of Hogwart - I cried watching this one... seriously!

Ladyholden is no fictional

The clouds were already murderous black when I gazed up on the sky on my way home from a small tittle-tattle with old friends at the mall. It was a threat of an imminent heavy downpour. The angry whoosshhh of the wind was like catcalls alarming the hell out of me. I reached our gate just in time as Wonbin, our deranged half-mongrel, half-retriever floundered his whole weight on me, paws trying to scratch my creamy blue chiffon dress, the sky cried with all its might. I am safely back home.

***

Wala lang, sometimes I like describing things as if I am a fictional character. Well, I'd like to be one. Probably because it is an easy way out of this sometimes very mundane life; I just had to exist for my author-creator. I just had to be what I am bound to be. And if he gets tired of me, he can just kill me in the end. The end.

But no, I am real. Pinch me, I'll whimper; stab me, I'll bleed.

Thus, I feel pain - physical,emotional, mental, spiritual -- name it. I get abused, I get tired. I get lousy, I get fired up. On the other hand, I have faith, I have emotional scars. (Okay, this sounds like a poem already!) My point is, I am happy I am alive. I feel life pulsating through my veins and I breathe (a very polluted air though). So I am living life to the best of my capacity. As a dear friend used to tell me : "Live each day as if it is your last!" That way, you'll never miss out on anything. And so, I am trying... desperately to win this battle over the intricacies life is yet to offer.

Blessed

My life... I lift it high
My world... I lift it high
My love... I lift it high

Higher. Higher.

I called, you answered and you came to my rescue... I wanna be where you are.

Never felt this blessed; No, I always feel blessed but this sudden strong feeling of gratitude is sweeping over me, lifting my spirits up and deepening my faith further. I just want to say THANK YOU.

Ouchie...

What can be more fitting?!? I got this from a friend's blog... she said the song's from a puppet musical called 'Avenue Q'... (Thanks Stef, I ripped this off from you obviously)

THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you'd never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
and a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairytale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
but there's a fine, fine line between love
and a waste of time

And i don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for
For my own sanity, i've got to close the door
and walk away

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while youo're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
and a waste of time.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Yey! I already got my very own copy. Alas! My Harry Potter book collection is complete! Ang saya!
Here's what happened...

Just kidding... I know a lot of Harry Potter fans out there are reading like crazy, eager to find out what Harry's fate would be... or who dies in the end, or if Hermione and Ron would finally hit it off. I am one of them. v(^__^)v

And yea... I'm still halfway through the book... can't wait to finish it...

Cebu B (Busy!

The last time I was going to Cebu, I was ecstatically excited (huh? overly redundant) Apart from the fact that it was an all-expense paid media junket sponsored by Aboitiz and the ports authority, all I had to do was go and enjoy the moment. But this time, it is totally different.

Last week, my sister announced that we (by that I mean her and me) are going to Cebu. She has some work to attend to and I, well, she just want to bring me along. Haay. Of course I wanted to go so I said yes. Heck, I had to pay for my own plane fare (di bale, babawi ako sa food!!!) I was quite apprehensive though knowing that I've got truckload of unfinished work and I'll be wasting a total of four days. So I decided to say goodbye to vacation altogether and work while I'm there.

I spent most of my day calling up people, asking for (more of begging actually) for appointments so I wouldn't be idle my whole stay there. And luckily, I got three so far... tee-hee! So, it's official... this is not vacation... this is W-O-R-K!

ayyyyssshhh....

According to Jeremy Marsh...

"I think it happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on. It's perfectly normal."

Is it??? Hmmm...

I agree.

Probably I am changing. I am maturing in a sense that I prefer not to dwell on petty little problems and allow myself to be gobbled up by the pessimistic attitude. All I want to do right now is immerse myself in this liberty -- not to be afraid, not to care, not to be overwhelmed with too many emotions.

So come on changes, bring it on! v(^_^)v

Laugh tough

I finally got a laptop. Yey. Pffff....

7-11 ramblings

Hah! Feeling ko lilipas na naman ang isang buong maghapon nang nakatanga ako sa harap ng monitor. Unlike yesterday na feeling super productive ako, I feel like a zombie today... teka, ano ba ngayon? 7-11-07. Cute...

Happy Birthday Wayne-ski, by the way!

O siya, so ano na ngang point ko? Ah, I don't feel like working today. Isa 'to dun sa mga araw na gusto ko lang mag-hibernate... magtago sa ilalim ng kumot tapos hayaang lumipas yung buong maghapon nang hindi pa ko naliligo... hehe.

Kaninang umaga, maaga ako dumating, thinking na baka sakaling maging productive ako. I always picture it in my head -- morning skies, steaming hot coffee and me alone in the office, umagang-umaga. 'Di ba ang sarap simulan ng araw ng ganun? But no, as usual it didn't happen. I wasn't late pero may tao na sa office. Sucks. Minsan nga trip lang, papasok ako ng 6am... parang adik lang. kakausapin ko yung mga dingding... baka sakaling pakinggan nila ko.

Hay boredom... leave me alone. Ang dami ko pang gagawin! Not to mention, may utang pa ko kay Kaching (yup kaching, haven't had the chance to mail your cd... sowee!) I wish the dark clouds would just go away. I want to be happy and I want everyone to be happy. Why does that seem so hard?

Life.