In sickness and in health

No, I am not going to blab about weddings and all those 'I do' crappy stuff... I am far from having one anyway. I am going to talk about my mom. I am feeling extra cheesy and mushy today that I want to reflect on my current relationship with her.
As everybody knows, (or at least those who were 'lucky' enough to hear my everyday rantings), I have quite a typical mother-daughter relationship with my mom; that love-hate thing can be very usual... so usual in fact that it pretty much defines all.
I didn't go to work today because I had to go and see a doctor for my check up (for the -nth time) for my skin condition. I was supposed to undergo a biopsy but the dermatologist suggested otherwise since the progress of whatever this irritating rashes are weren't that drastic. Cool.
So, who else can go with me but my mom. She had to call in sick just to be able to accompany me and since I am pathetically broke these past few weeks, she had to pay for my check-up and medicines as well. I've spent a lot (my saving's near to extinction) for my weekly check-ups and all those medicines that I had to take. I never imagined I would splurge so much on something which I don't really like, but I need. Sucks, really especially when you want to buy something but you cannot because you have to save the money for emergencies like this.
Anyway, while I was walking hand-in-hand with mom on our way to the drugstore after my check-up, I realized that I haven't really spent long hours alone with mama in a long time. I can't remember when was the last time we went out for a walk or grocery shopping or whatever. Maybe it's because I think (and my sister would agree with me on this), it's hard to be around mom. We don't know why but we often say how we can never be in the same room with her for a minute without ending up arguing. It seems that we cannot agree on something anymore. This afternoon, while spending time with her, I realized how much I miss her. Or how I don't feel ashame, sleeping and leaning on her shoulders while in a jeepney. I used to do that a lot before; I can't remember when did I stop or why. It was a little saddening realization.
I just thought that no matter how far we go in life, there is this innate feeling of wanting to go back to where we came from or be near at least. In my case, just like a sick little child, I still call my mama's name to feel better.

Good morning God!

Hello God! Good Monday morning! =) I pray this will be a good day for me, or week, even. I hope I'd finish all my pending tasks and that I would be up to my responsibilities. I hope I'd never frown or feel those numbing tugging feeling at the strings of my heart... I pray I'd be smiling always and share the happiness that would be within me.

I pray for the people around me... that they would be up to the challenges that this day and the days ahead would be bringing. I hope to see smiling faces, some gentle nod of approval and hear their laughing hearts.

I pray that I wouldn't be angry and would not succumb to that hatred that swallows me whole whenever I see those people who have aggravated me or hurt me in one way or another. I pray that this hatred would just go away.

I pray for those who are hurting... that the wounds in their hearts would heal. I pray for the recovery of their faith and the will to live life for its beauty.

Thank you God and I love you! Amen.

Singapore dream...or anywhere but here

My back is aching and my arse is numb. I've been infront of my computer for hours, searching the net for job openings abroad - particularly in Singapore. I don't really know what came to me but when I opened my yahoo mail and saw occasional job postings for Singapore, I thought "What the heck, it wouldn't hurt to try." And so, here I am trying my luck =)

I remember telling myself that I would only leave my current job for a job overseas - preferably in Singapore or anywhere in Asia. I wouldn't want to go too far yet but hey, anywhere but here will do. I am probably so desperate and my feet are itching too much to get away. I always wonder how an independent life (as a grown-up this time) would be. My independence during my college years was completely different 'coz I had to live by my parents' money and generosity and not my own.

I always dream of having my own place somewhere abroad, living a simple yet pro-active life. I will be going grocery shopping on weekends, eat at diners (alone most of the time), go home and watch whatever's on the tube, indulge in my favorite books and movies, volunteer at corporate socio-civic works, travel at nearby countries once in a while and enjoy the company of some new found friends. Me, myself and I on a foreign land... sounds really exciting.

Why Singapore? I just fell in love with the place the first time I saw it last year. The people, the places, the way of life. Compared with other Asian countries I've been to, I love it the most. I admire how people are well disciplined and respectful of the government. Although I sometimes fear how people's seriousness might be contagious. We all need to smile and laugh at our foolishness sometimes.

dementing dementor

My boss is like a dementor - he sucks all the energy and happiness out of people. I just came back from a 15-minute-but-seemed-like-hours talk with him and as usual, I'm nearly lifeless when I got out of his room. Dang! Whoever invented that 'grin & bear' stuff...

For days now, I've been really contemplating on whether all these bullsh*t is still worth it. (If you'd browse through my previous entries, you'll find this dilemma over and over and over). For months, I've been waiting for something to come my way and if the opportunity is as promising as Ikuta Toma's near debut in the Japanese Entertainment industry, I would hold on to it with what's left of my dear life. I don't really know if my reasons for staying are still valid to the eyes and the ears of those who have been emancipated from the 'dark lord' (literally and figuratively speaking!) I trust what my friends (from here at work) think about this whole thing and they are saying the same thing- it is NOT worth it.

So why am I still here, pathetically complaining through my keyboards? It would probably take heaven and hell to explain myself but just to make things simple -- it is because I am a kind-hearted, considerate, professional and practical person. Nah... let's do away with the negative words for once. hehe. Weird but it makes me feel guilty (I don't event know if it's the proper word to use 'coz I don't have to feel guilty about anything) when I think about leaving the magazine behind. It's like leaving your baby behind - after all the sweat and tears and sacrifices, I'm worried it will all come down to nothing. Not really saying I'm the only one who could make this work (or I'm irreplaceable) but I have no idea what will happen once I'm hands off the job already.

R.I.P. Brad Renfro

Fly away beautiful man... R.I.P Brad Renfro (1982-2008)

How appropriate can this be?

image from here.

My current obssession

Why wouldn't this face be? *Thet swoons and drops (drooling) on the ground*

Whhaaat?!? Classic case of 'anino pa lang, ulam na'...
Folks, ladies and those who want to be one, meet Daniel Henney...

1st post this new year.

This post is long overdue... haay. I've been meaning to write something here since Christmas.... then New Year... then back to work... But laziness got me and yea, then again, I think there isn't anything really special to keep my batteries fully re-charged and overly excited to update this blog. But now I'm doing it (I swear, I can't keep my mind-mouth shut!)

Anyway... Christmas was special as always...although I did nothing really special. It was a time for me to reflect and think things over and what I've become since last year. Weird thing is, I really don't remember what happened or who I was last year. Probably there isn't much difference. So I spent Christmas and New Year at home with my dear family. I had a good rest during the vacation.. got plenty of hours to sleep... was able to (finally!) clean all the mess I've accumulated in 2007 (literally and figuratively speaking!). And now, all I should worry about is what to expect in the days ahead.

In terms of work... I don't know if it's proper to say this but it's like I don't have any choice. I am already having doubts if I still really do love this work but one thing's for sure... I wouldn't leave things hanging. In short, I'm going to finish all my projects before I transfer (if ever there would be a chance... actually, there is an offer but I'm still weighing things...)

My spiritual self... my faith is whole and intact and I would never leave room for anything that would make me go the other way. I am still a self-confessed (whatever you call that person who feels like he doesn't really belong to any religious group but still believes in the supreme power). And honestly, I don't want to be hanging anymore, I hope I'd find my 'home' soon.

My health.... it's slowly deteriorating. 2007 was a very sickly year for me. I lost a lot of weight (not only because of my darn braces but because I was sick most of the time). Stress and tension ate me whole. Now, I have these tiny little rashes which was recently diagnosed as 'pytiriasis lichenoides' - of unknown cause (stress & tension triggers them though) and very very itchy.. ayyyssshhh... what's happening to me?!?!

Love-related angst. What?!? hehe... nevermind. I am still convinced I have successfully outwitted that four-letter - harsh, painful, sickening - thing. I was able to control my emotions and let go of the past and probably look back and just shake my head of such absurdity. Now I can really smile. =)

Whatever, Thet. Happy New Year to me and to all..

xoxo
Peace!

Fights.

I just had a fight with my mom about an hour ago. And after all the screaming and hurtful exchange of words, I feel bad and guilty and sorry. The reason was very petty and a little bit funny actually ( And I wouldn't dare elaborate) and we ended up hurting each others' feelings. I bet there wouldn't be any talking between us for the next couple of days. Unless of course I lower my pride and apologize to her... which I will... tomorrow when everything has cooled down.
The problem with mom... no matter how she shows and tells us how much she loves us, everything seems to be forgotten the moment she opens her mouth when she's angry. She curses, she calls us useless ingratas, she wants us out of her house and it almost sounds like we're the worst thing that ever happened to her. I know she doesn't really mean those and it's just a sudden burst of temper that brought it out but still, her words cut deep.

The problem with me... I couldn't hold myself back for just one second. I talk back. And I talk back with such cruelty that I regret everything that I say the moment they come out of my mouth. I am such an insolent brat or at least I tend to be in this kind of situation. Probably it's because I want to hurt my mom the way she hurts me. It's a battle of words and carelessness - we forget that we are a mother and a daughter who loves each other dearly.

Speaking of fights. I had a fight too with my pop last week but we're okay now. At least that's what I know considering that he's talking to me again and he asked me to eat the dinner he cooked yesterday. That's the thing with papa... when he knows that he started the fight and that he really did offend me, he wouldn't really cling to his pride; he'd make a small gesture to show that he's not mad anymore. Mom's also like that but she tends to be more dramatic.

***
Chinchin and I almost had a misunderstanding too yesterday. I was in a really bad mood that I thought I kind of lashed it out on her (and to all other people who were within my 2-ft radius). I just wanted to be invisible that I didn't want to talk, eat, move, look at other people or even hear them talk. I was in a very b*tch* mood that it was a little bit over the edge. It was really a bad timing and a lack of comprehension that Chin got a little pissed of. It was a good thing though that I explained myself to her immediately before the situation got ugly and the next thing I know, we were laughing our asses of at Cafe Breton in Greenbelt after our meeting with an advertiser. Glad to talk than to shut up, if it would mean getting things resolved.

Tearjerker video

I saw this video again and I can't help but be a little sad =(

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

It made me think how in a matter of months, weeks even, I'll be left behind in the office - the most depressing place for me these days. My friends there will soon be leaving for better opportunities and I have never been happier for them but I can't help to think what will become of me when they leave. I'll probably be one of those loner workaholic loonies who doesn't have a social life... waahh... nooooo! hehe.

On a serious note, I will seriously miss these people. But I know that no matter what happens, these people will always be there for me - ready to cry for my pain and laugh with me like life is nothing but one big party. Come to think of it, most of our friends were already elsewhere but it seems like they never left... thank God for emails and cellphones and YM and MSN messengers.

I just feel a little sentimental when I think about those times when I didn't seem to feel pain because in our world, laughter cures everything. It's funny, the irony of it all... work brought us together and it is also the very reason why we had to go different ways. If there's one thing I'd thank ECCI for, it's bringing you guys to me.

Fruit of boredom

I'm so luvin' this pic... hehe... Boredom kicked in while I was writing a very boring article about some HROD sh*t... so I played with Photoshop and voila...



I am getting stick thin these days... sh*t.

My sadness

I am trying to be happy but I'm sad. Have you ever felt crying and not wanting to stop? Geez, why do I feel so sad? I wanted to be happy but every time I try to look the other way, something happens and it makes me feel so frustrated and sad and I just want to mope and not talk to anybody.

I can't even remember the last time I laughed with my heart laughing along with me. I tried shunning away the black clouds, but still, they are here. Why am I so sad? This makes me feel so hopeless, useless, unwanted, uncared for... I am probably extremely sensitive that I can die
with mere words.

I feel pain now - I can literally feel my heart being ripped.

Back to the Real World

And so... the vacation was over.

Chinchin and I went to Hong Kong last weekend. It was a very short, yet sweet and nice getaway from my troubles back here at 'home'. It was my first time to make a decision on something huge (at least for me) like that. Thing is she needs to go there to babysit and do some errands for her business, and since she knows how 'kaladkarin' I am and how I've been going crazy and needed a break, she took me with her. Well, I had to splurge on it but it was actually worth it and it wasn't really that costly. Kasama ko kaya ang 'Bangko Sentral ng Tsina'... hehe... Peace Chinchin! I was actually supposed to work there but I didn't... =)

We left Saturday afternoon and arrived in HK around 7pm. There wasn't anything much to do that time so we just stayed 'home' at her cousin's flat. The place (Ma On Shan) was quite far - about an hour from Central HK. It was in Kowloon side. Chin's got three cutesy nephews which we had to babysit. The next day, we got to see Acha, Chin's friend since highschool. It was really nice to see the two of them reunite since Acha's already based in HK for good. We went to The Peak - the coldest place I've ever been to apart from Baguio and Genting in Malaysia. We took the 30-minute train ride to Shenzen and I was given a five-day visa upon arrival at the station... so yes, I could say I've already been to Mainland China... ahaha (for two freaking hours only as we needed to be back in HK by 7pm).

I don't know what is it with me when I travel but I always get sick. I puked all over HK on our last day. I got this terrible headache where it felt like I have about a dozen bricks on top of my head. The feeling was really awful that I vomit every chance that I got. I didn't get to eat and boy, I hate the smell of noodles (most of what I ate and barfed out of my system). To top it all, our flight was delayed (Thanks to Cebu Pacific) by four hours from 10pm to 2am. To make it up with the irritated passengers, the airline officers gave us meal vouchers. Nice. Too bad, I can't really eat yet. But the food was nice so I tried. Then, we just hung out and did all possible means to amuse ourselves - including fafa hunting but to no avail. =) It's really alarming how the "fishes in the ocean" are becoming scarce these days - kung hindi bakla, taken... sheez! Arrived in Manila past 4am and reached home 30 minutes later.

And, I'm back to reality.

Pusang Antok...

Super cuuuuttteeee!

Ladyholden on Vox...

Hi peeps...

I got a new blog (again!) and I'm loving it...

Please visit www.ladyholden.vox.com...

If you want a sneak peak of my overly dramatic life... v(^_^)v

Kewl.

Crazy (little) doggie... WonBin-shi

How can I not love this dog???

Meet WonBin... our one-year old 'third-gen' retriever.. he doesn't look like it na nga... he looks more like a "Chien Dela Rue" (a.k.a. askal... haha!) but equally adorable and cuddly. He's so big and when he gets excited, he'll throw his whole weight on you. The next thing you know, you've exchanged faces with the ground already.

We call him all kinds of stuff and he remembers... we call him 'omoni' (weird but korean term for mother), wonbina, wonbinshi, nini, haramoni (korean term for grandma) and some other unusual names.

Wonbin has all these weird habits that sometimes, I can't help but doubt if he really is a dog or a man who was cursed to become a dog ala '100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd'. Sometimes he barks sounding like a hyper monkey and he doesn't appreciate anyone patting his head. I get a lot of bruise and scratches from playing with him. And he bites (yes he does!)... bad bad dog...

the long weekend.

Nope, I didn't go to Laiya last weekend. It was okay though... I got to spend quality time with my family amidst the usual bickering with mom, tug of war with pop for the TV's remote control and food tripping with ate and kuya. It was indeed a very long weekend for me, I got bored to my wits that I started working Sunday afternoon... hehe... I know, workaholic ako you people would say... But no, it's just the lack of a better thing to do that drove me to work instead.

I spent most of my time in bed, in the arms of my loving pillows... sleeping. Atleast I was able to make up for those insomniac nights where I was up until 3am, getting up four hours later for work. It was so unhealthy and I tasted my abused body's sweet revenge when I got sick for two whole weeks. I lost a lot of weight that I was able to fit into that old pair of jeans which I had since first year college. hehe...

I am starting to regain my weight and, to my delight, my appetite. To hell with my braces, I learned to appreciate the value of things (food to be exact) that is already within arms reach but we take for granted and the agony that's there when you can't have it. I literally cry over it. I swear I am talking about food and not some heartache. =)

I miss a lot of people during the vacation. I miss Vida and Kai and Tere... I even miss Chinchin and Gela who I know I would see today (Although Gela's not yet in) I miss Katkat (Happy Birthday!) and my friends back in college. I miss Pocla who hurt me big time the last time we spoke but I miss just the same. I hope she gets well soon. I miss Mira and Mark whom I have no idea if I will ever see again. I miss my cousins Marianne and Ray whom I only get to 'talk' to through MySpace and Friendster. I miss my cat Sparkie and my old Samsung phone. I miss walking alone at the airport with a big luggage in tow.

I miss my dead loved ones, even those whom I wasn't able to meet because they went up to heaven even before I was born. (But no, please don't visit me... hehe). At the cemetery last November 1, I have heard for the first time some stories about my grandpa (pop's pop) from an uncle. It was quite a story and I felt a sudden pang of regret that I didn't get to meet him or be with him. I am just thinking, we could probably have such a tight grandpa-grand daughter bonding. He seemed like a good old cool grandpa... he seemed makulit like my pop. He was probably like my pop. It would probably be nice to have a 'lolo' whom you could tell your stories to when you feel like the whole world is against you. My grandpa from mom's side also died even before I could walk. I have very vague memories of him. I miss my dear 'Lola Inang' (mom's mom) who was the epitome of a perfect grandma. She was a nag alright but she loved all her grandchildren dearly. I remember how in her old age and that small yet stout body, she would carry me when it rains hard because I hate it when my shoes get drenched. Or how she stays the whole time at the back during my kindergarten class because I would cry when she's out of my sight. Then there's my Uncle Henry who died at Christmas day two years ago. Among my pop's brothers, we love him the most because he was responsible and he was the only one who had balls to put food on the table (except of course pop because he has his own family to feed) despite the fact that he'd been living thousands of miles away in the US with his own family. But I am happy for these people 'coz they are now in peace, somewhere far where people don't get sad at all.

It's the first day of work again and I kept promising myself that I'd be productive. But hey, guilty as charged... I, once again, put half my day to waste, staring at a blank monitor, writing novel-like blogs (ahem) and just... well... thinking about the things that I'm supposed to do but I don't have the energy to do yet. This is what I hate about me. I need to put things in perspective and I have to act rationally. Now...

Wake up.

What am I doing losing my way?

Good Tuesday morning! I hope this will be one helluva different week - more positive and productive and filled with smiles and laughter. I guess I am tired of succumbing to hopelessness and too much negativity.

As much as this dark cloud clings to my head everytime I'm in the office, I am trying to look outside my office window where the sun shines today like it is keeping its promise.

***

We had a slumber 'party' last weekend at Ria's place in South Forbes. Hell, her house is so darn huge like those houses I see only in soap operas and movies. I was, how do you call it... 'house struck'?

And this weekend, I was invited by Chinchin to join their little outing in La Luz, Laiya, Batangas... Can't wait... beach... beach... here I come. =)

Me and my short short hair... ayshhh...

I am having regrets... this feeling that I hate the most. This wasn't suppose to happen. I said I would try very hard to ignore this urge... I knew it would lead me to damnation...

I shouldn't have cut my hair. And now, I'm missing it already... = (

I was just suppose to accompany my friend Chinchin to this Korean Salon in West of Ayala 'coz she wants to get her hair fixed. But then, I found all the justification to splurge 500 bucks on my hair (it's starting to annoy me anyway, I want to sport a short 'do, I want a new look, blah... blah... blah), I succumbed to my whim and entrusted my mane to this gay Korean guy who probably doesn't know how to smile. And it was actually my first time to see a Korean gay guy and it amused me a little... ehehe...

It was probably the language. He didn't understand me or he misunderstood my instructions... I don't know. As far as I can remember, I was very clear "I want this hairstyle" (while pointing to an image in their hairstyle index... "Not too short... up to here only... (while pointing to a spot just above my boob).

But no. The hair cut was a freaking disaster... it's too short. I feel like Go Eun Chan / Yoon Eun-Hye (not that I am as pretty as her...hehe) in Coffee Prince. I look like a guy... waaahhh....
I look like this --->>> (I am not as happy as I look believe me...)

Then maybe it has its rewards... This gay guy I saw yesterday at the conference I attended in Tagaytay might actually fall in love with me, thinking that I am a guy... hehe. He looks like Lee Jun Ki.. he's such an eye candy.. I drooled. Hehe.. Exag. I still can't get over the fact that he made my heart leaped over Mt. Everest and dropped peach-like the moment he opened his mouth. It was so frustrating. Grr... They say when you're heart broken, move on... there are still many fishes in the sea. Problem is, these fishes want to eat their own kind... they huddle together... and they f*** (bleep) together. Oh, man!

Faffy Jae Won's lost twin

This Chinese singer, Nicholas Teo looks like my faffy Jae Won... And I thought 'ngangabunch's' (as my deluded gay cousin calls him) face is unique... tee-hee! Anyway, Nicholas Teo is a very good singer. I like his songs, especially this one...