Disgruntled.

Grr... my computer went dead (aysshhh!) Anyway, I was suppose to post this one a week ago when I was feeling really really down -- like I was having some sort of a quarter-life crisis. But hey, I feel good now =)

The past few days have been very unhealthy for me -- emotionally, physically and spiritually. I was a wreck; a miserable soul who could snap (loose screws) at any moment. Seriously, I was afraid I'd just snap like that *thet snapping her fingers*

It was all too much. Thanks to Gela, my dear friend who keeps me sane amidst this chaotic phase and her own craziness; I survive... Aza!

I was too disheartened and stressed about work that all I had were evil thoughts about the nasty ogre (you know whom I referring to) and this dark, cold, psyche-battering place called 'hell'. Need I say more? Nah.

Anyway, a week has passed and I feel like I already came to my senses. After days of crying (I am really such a tear-jerker), staring at blank spaces for what seemed like eternity, I am back to my old self- perky, bubbly, happy.

But I still hate every person who's making my life miserable. I'll get back at you.

Old feelings... (summer na!) Ang Labo.

I swear I could curse here all I want but my internet connection wouldn't improve one bit. I've been infront of the monitor the moment I woke up because of that letcheng business plan that I have to submit to the ogre. I don't want to give it on Monday; I want it done ASAP. kung pwede nga lang isampal sa ngala-ngala niya, ginawa ko na.... (ayshhhh...)

Anyway, I don't want to take things the negative way but I feel that worse feeling of 'losing' someone again. Well I hope, it's just me who's pathetically thinking about it; I hope it's just another paranoia from my end. I mean, the feeling is too familiar to miss - it's like a gush of wind - you could never go wrong; it could totally mess up your hair (whew.. ang labo ng metaphor ko). Okay, now... I don't want to say anything more... Mum's the word.

Then, there's this someone whom I thought I already forgotten. My, my , my... was I really wrong. It's as if that void wasn't there at all. It's like we're on that same time, the exact same moment. Nothing's changed. And I'm surprising myself a lot -- why do I love the feeling?

***

It's really hot!!! Summer na!!! Boracay! Galera! Camiguin! Coron! Anilao! Matabungkay! Hinulugang-taktak! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?! Ahahahaha... I was just kidding about the last two...

Our office is planning a summer outing and I was the one tasked to organized everything. Funny thing is that when somebody asks me excitedly where we are going, me and my evil counterpart, Ladyholden, enjoys deflating their high hopes by replying "Matabungkay o kaya Hinulugang Taktak" hihihi. But seriously, I'm goign for Galera... Sana (keeping both my fingers crossed) 'coz it's the closest thing to Boracay (which I'm never gonnna see until May) and I suspect that our budget could only afford. Even doubt about it.

Anyway, the damn PDF AQ File that I've been downloading the last two hours hasn't moved one bit. I give up. Siyet.

Post B-day Chuva.

PARA MASAYA!

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March 12, 2007

It's my birthdaaaaayyyyy!!!





Mom says I was born at exactly 12:45 am...

I dunno but I really am extremely happy whenever this day approaches. Probably, I've never been thankful that I am here... I have a pretty normal and decent life and I am with the people whom I cherish the most.

And for this... I could never thank God enough.

My family was kind'a excited too... we celebrated a day earlier. I spent half my day in 168 Mall though, hoping to buy some good finds. On the way there, I came across these street children who were happily wallowing in the big fountain by the Binondo Plaza. They were shouting "Ate, ate, picture naman jan!" And so with my ever-reliable Samsung Camera-phone, I froze that wonderful scene in time.



Hmm... 25 years is really not that bad... I would say I've done a lot of good things already that could win me a de luxe reservation at the book of life up there (hehe). I am still living with my parents but I have a pretty good pay and a job that I love. (Although you know for a fact that I wouldn't consider whom or where I really work for a blessing). And yes, by the way, I am still single. How many more years should I endure before I get hitched again (not that I am too eager to be). I just miss the feeling... nyahaha!



I have a lot of wishes. And first on my list is WORLDPEACE. Seriously, not trying to be Ms. America (or Philippines) at all... but hey, we needed that badly.

Waaahhh... I am so delayed...

Nope... I am not talking about my period... So there's no fear of me being pregnant or whatsoever (ano yun, immaculate conception? hahaha!)

Anyway, the 3rd issue of Asian Quality is sooooo delayed. Probably it's my fault... I basked too much on procrastination that this is what I'm getting now. Hmmm.. probably my current 'confusion' about my 'work' is also adding up to this.

I am (or was?) suppose to transfer to this newswire company but it hasn't (didn't?) materialized yet. The girl I am talking to in the company told me she's giving me a call back this week. But I had doubts about it. Not because they wouldn't give me the call back but because I feel not too secure in the company. They couldn't answer me when I asked about the benefits that I'll be entitled to. All I know is that I will be one of the editors who will handle monthly newsletters, interview expats, write tons of copies and nothing more.

I had a good talk with Chin-Chin last Saturday (while we were pigging out at Kitchen in Greenbelt). It wasn't that she tried to convince me to stay but she actually laid out the pros and cons. And I actually did a lot of thinking myself last Friday. As for the 'bitching' of the ogre, I guess Chin tried to do something about it, telling him how inappropriate it is. In fairness, the ogre wasn't too monstrous during our last Business Unit Heads Meeting. He was actually... in fact... smiling. Yay! The visual is still scary!

Anyway, I'm missing the whole point of this blog. I am truly concern about AQ. I've had enough of pressures but hell, do I have a choice? Whether I transfer or not, WORK ITSELF IS PRESSURE. And people work to survive, to live. It's a vicious cycle nobody can stop. Bottomline is I have vowed (once again) to focus on AQ (not the person. the person has long been dead. kidding!) and make my stay here worth it. I once told myself that I will only leave this company when my next step is really really big like going abroad. But I am not saying that I'll be here until I can bear no more. Once I see that sparkling light of opportunity, I'll be all for it. Adios hell on earth.

MUSIC & LYRICS (Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore)

I haven't seen this movie... yet... I'm already in-love with it.


Very very nice song.

lyrics - way back into love

OUR MUSIC.

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Wouldn't it be nice?

Make an online slideshow at onetruemedia.com

Trip to Cavite

My whole body aches (especially my buns... if you know what I mean), probably because of the whole ***damn nightmare ride to and from Trece Martirez, Cavite for a visit at my Aunt and Uncle's place.

See, these are the people whom we only see once in a blue moon -- during Christmas, birthdays and on very rare occasions -- since they left Makati to settle in once of those developed subdivisions springing like shitake mushrooms in the rural areas of Luzon. My uncle's not doing well; been in and out of the hospital so we've decided it's proper to show that we care.

So at around 8am, my mom, ate, 'kuya' and me were already aboard this dingy ordinary bus bound to Cavite. I was so sleepy, I didn't get to sleep until 2am (insomnia strikes again). The fact that I was pissed off that we didn't get to ride an air condition bus to save us from dusts and the pollution of Metro Manila was intensified by "Napakasakit Kuya Eddie" and "Tukso, Layuan Mo Ako" blaring on the boom box speakers on the background. We were tortured by these long playing music the whole hour and a half bus ride. It was hell. I wanted to kill Imelda Papin right there and then. And I promise to get an i-pod on my next payday!!! My sister, on the other hand, was talking nonstop about getting a car for the family to rid us of this hellish encounters every time we need to travel out of Metro Manila. Heat's probably gone up to our heads.

Well, we didn't stay long. We just ate, told some stories, played with my very cute and intelligent nephew, Sean and slept. I was so tired that I snoozed on my aunt's sofa sitting up. The moment I woke up, everybody's getting ready to leave already.

Short [and hellish] as it may seem but I should say the visit was worth it. It's hard to get along with some of our relatives but we intend to keep whatever bond is holding us [closer] with the others.

Juvenile Thet strikes again...

I am so desperate to have a photo taken with this guy (perpetually my juvenile obsession). And so, with the wonders of Photoshop, I created some magic and... voila!

Hmmmm... I think we look cute together... Nah, I think we look damn good together... Ha-ha!
Just let me indulge. This is my blog anyway v(^_^)v.

My Chocolates!

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Valentines, Oh Valentines!

Who says that Valentines Day are for couples only? Of course not. I'm happy as this is the first time in years that I felt good about all this hullabaloo everytime the Hearts Day approaches. I am actually wondering if my family is celebrating it at home right now. (Yea, I'm still in the office, finishing an ad proposal on a Valentines night... nice.) Wonder if my pop prepared a nice dinner for mom or if 'ate' bought some cake with the 'Happy Valentines!' greeting on it. But I'm pretty sure, my beloved baby brother is not giving a sh*t about all this; he's probably engrossed playing PS2 right now.

It's ironic how I didn't see too many indications that it's actually Valentines Day today but how strongly I felt it. I received a lot of greetings from friends and I just enjoyed watching some of them be surprised by a bouquet of flowers or some other sweet gestures from their significant others. Of course there are some who actually feels bad because they got nada.

This morning, my cab driver was trying really hard to strike up a conversation with me, telling me how he's been overwhelmed by the prominence of color red everywhere he looked. I was half-tempted to tell him: "baka naman ho color blind na kayo... e wala naman akong nakikitang nakapula eh..." Anyways, it was funny; he was telling me how the owner of the cab he was driving got all excited about the V-Day that he even put red seat covers and tiny little hearts at the dashboard and 'ceiling' of his cab. It was lucky I decided not to wear my red pull-over; had I worn it, I would perfectly blend in with the car seat. Yaikks!

Anyway, some people crossed my mind and I was almost convinced that I do miss them. But truth is, I don't. it's just fun thinking about them and how I used to 'share' some of these sweet moments with them...

• That guy who gave me a long stem white rose which he got from Mother Mary's altar. I heard he cried when he learned that I already left for Baguio and he missed giving me his present. Sweet chap. I would love to run into him one of these days.
• That guy who suddenly kissed me out from nowhere. (Sa cheeks lang naman, promise!) They were playing 'truth or dare' and I was busy reading some magazine beside him. He was asked to kiss the person whom he cares most about [at that time]. The bloke suddenly turned to me and without a word kissed me on the cheek! Eh bata pa ko nun... I was surprised. Well, I think that's sweet too.
• That guy who never gave me anything but heartache. Let's just say he played a big part in my teen-age years love-life. Haha. Heartbreaker, you know who you are.
  
• That guy who pretended to be my boyfriend because a yucky crewmate in McDonald's kept harrassing me to be his girlfriend. Hah, he chased the poor guy away and I ended up liking him too much that it broke my heart into pieces when I learned that he likes my best friend more than me. Sad. But happy now.
• That guy [who looks like my pop] whom I had a crush to in college; a schoolmate in UP Baguio. He has this squeaky, chipmunk-like voice that turns me off every time. But hey, he plays the guitar like Satriani *drooling* I never really got the nerve to talk to this guy.
  
• That guy who took me to see the movie 'Bourne Identity' (or Supremacy... I can't actually remember). The jerk tried to kiss me and you-know-what! right there in the middle of the Robinsons Place theatre. Ang baduy! I never saw him after that.
  
• That very first guy whom I confessed my feelings to. He told me 'I rock!' and I thought it wasn't really flattering. Nothing really happened. I think I still like him but there's something in him that turns me off. He doesn't care about me at all.
• That guy. Yes, that guy.

It's funny how I felt they were my world at some point in time and how I overcame and just shrug and smile and laugh at the idea every time I think about them now.

I love L-O-V-E. It's like the kid in us... it's silly most of the times.

HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYBODY!

MWAH!

10 Things That Make Me Unproductive At Work

10. The Heat. Our office [or at least our side] is like a living hell. The aircon hasn’t been working for more than a week now and I think the heat has been going up my head, damaging all my productive braincells. Thus, can’t think of anything sensible.

9. Busted Internet Connection. Our internet connection has been going on and off and it really pisses everybody’s mind off. Half my work depends on research and this situation leaves me helpless everytime.

8. Daydreaming. Sand. Waves. Blue skies. 2-piece swimsuit and my sunblock. I always think about getting a vacation amidst all the chaos at work that sometimes I am having a hard time snapping out of a good ‘ol day dreaming.

7. Audio from the peoples’ mouths a.k.a. NOISE. Some of my colleagues aren’t that considerate. They think everybody can concentrate even with their loud voices destroying the piece and serenity of the room. Focus is derived from silence.

6. The Presence. No, I’m not talking about anything supernatural. I am talking about the big-old-fat-ugly-scary Ogre lurking around the office. Who - in their right mind - would feel comfortable working while being criticized and bashed out?

5. Hunger. I am always hungry; I think I was an obese man in my past life. My stomach growls like crazy, I eat like a pig. I can’t work and I can’t think when I’m at this state. I think it’s pretty normal.

4. Boredom.A friend asks me, How can you be bored when you’re over-loaded with work? I don’t know either. Maybe I am getting bored about work or maybe I am just getting bored by the mere fact that I am compelled to do the same old things and listen to the same old sh*t over and over and damn over again.

3. Youtube.com. So, I am currently addicted to watching ‘My Lovely Sam Soon’ on youtube.com. Can’t get enough of Daniel Henney and Hyun Bin’s face… tee-hee. Actually whenever I crave watching someone (or something) I can’t help myself but click away right to youtube’s page… forgetting that hell, I’ve got loads to do.

2. Blogging. Hah. The thing that I love the most! I usually write blogs whenever I feel a sudden strong surge of emotion — happy, sad, mad, or simply plain -blah-. and most of the time, I am overly emotional.

1. Sleepyhead. My eyes are getting heavy… ZZzzzzzz… I always feel sleepy at work. Maybe because I’m not getting enough sleep every time because pf my damn insomnia (which I’ve been trying to battle for years now). So the good ‘ol drowsiness takes effect most often in the afternoon, specifically after lunch. Whattapig.

Which Trainspotting Character Are You???

I AM RENTON. MARK RENTON. NICE.


Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

Holden Caulfield-isms...

These are just some of my favorite quotes from my male fiction counterpart, Holden Caulfield from J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye...

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."


"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."


Holden: "You know that song, 'If a body catch a body comin' through the rye'?..."
Phoebe: "It's 'If a body meet a body coming through the rye'!... It's a poem. By Robert Burns."


"It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to."


"Take most people, they're crazy about cars. They worry if they get a little scratch on them, and they're always talking about how many miles they get to a gallon, and if they get a brand-new car already they start thinking about trading it in for one that's even newer. I don't even like old cars. I mean they don't even interest me. I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake."


"Goddam money. It always ends up making you blue as hell."


"I don't even know what I was running for - I guess I just felt like it."

"What really knocks me out is a book, when you're all done reading it, you wished the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it."


"People never believe you."


"All morons hate it when you call them a moron."


"Almost every time somebody gives me a present, it ends up making me sad."


"When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go."


"People always clap for the wrong things."


"I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though."


"I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoyed the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard."


"He kept saying they were too new and bourgeois. That was his favorite goddam word. He read it somewhere or heard it somewhere, Everything I had was bourgeois as hell. Even my fountain pen was bourgeois. He borrowed it off me all the time, but it was bourgeois anyway."


"Catholics are always trying to find out if you're Catholic."


"Girls. You never know what they're going to think."


"All these angels start coming out of the boxes and everywhere, guys carrying crucifixes and stuff all over the place, and the whole bunch of them - thousands of them - singing "Come All Ye Faithful" like mad. Big deal. It's supposed to be religious as hell, I know, and very pretty and all, but I can't see anything religious or pretty, for God's sake, about a bunch of actors carrying crucifixes all over the stage. When they all finished and started going out the boxes again, you could tell they could hardly wait to get a cigarette of something. I saw it with old Sally Hayes the year before, and she kept saying how beautiful it was, the costumes and all. I said old Jesus probably would've puked if He could see it."


"If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the 'Fuck you' signs in the world. It's impossible."

I just want to feel better.

Think this could change my 'irritated-almost-suicidal' mood to feeling nowwwmal again. . .

Yea, it probably can...

To the Purgatory and Back.

I just got off from an excruciating four-hour meeting with other business unit heads in the company. It wasn't actually an almost 'hellish' encounter until the ogre showed up. I guess God loves me too much that it wasn't me who was presenting when he barged in to the conference room. It was the 'Spawn'. Poor guy, he got a lot of bashing right there and then. Even if the ogre was claiming he wasn't really mad... hell, we think he is. Poor spawnie guy, almost eaten up by the earth where he stood from too much shame. I don't normally symphatize with him but I have already been under the same situation with the ogre and it was soooo horrific that I cried after... well, at least not infront of him.

He reminds me of the leprechaun who has no room for other things in his mind but money. It's so sad. I mean, busines is really business; we need to make profit, earn to at least break even and better if we will make tons of cash to sustain the business and fill in all our material needs. But there is a very tangible line between reasonable goals and targeting the impossible. A person can only do so much.

Take my case for instance. He's giving me the '123' whenever we're talking about revenues for this magazine. But I guess he really is 'babo' for not comprehending the very simple rule about going into the publishing business - 'be prepared to lose in the first few months (even years) of your publication. This is a tough business. We don't go bullying people to advertise in our magazine at a whim. We have to wait. PATIENTLY. But I'm not saying that we have the luxury to be bummers. We have to work hard towards this goal -- build a network and work on the visibility and credibility (worthy contents) of the magazine. But the ogre just doesn't get this. I guess his mind is too clouded with thoughts about money that he becomes irrational.

I really am pissed off. Maybe I should start looking for another job.

AQ's 2nd issue

Wow... can't believe, work's been really paying off... AQ's 2nd issue is out at
last.
My good 'ol critics tell me this looks way way better than the first one (content, layout, printing and the whole package) and I yea, what can I say, it actually is.

But hey, I owe AQ to those people who were there from the beginning; those witnesses to the birthpains and hellish everyday encounters when it was yet to come out. AQ wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for these guys. And for that, Saranggaeyo!!!

Hmm... now I wonder how many eons will go before we see the third issue...

Five more minutes to dreamland

Cruel insomnia strikes again. This anticipated sorrow had me ever since I can remember. I am trying to justify that my overdosing of caffeine doesn’t have anything to do with this but my conscience tells me otherwise. The clock ticks… five more minutes before 12 midnight and I am here, tiring myself too much to hasten my journey to dreamland. Sad, but I couldn’t escape.

I pity myself; I’m a total loser – bad sleeping habits, mercurial temper, a food junkie, a junk food junkie, a caffeine addict, a hopeless romantic, a she-devil in an angel suit, a wild Goddess tamed by the merciless reality called fate. I am all that.

But none of these can make me who I want to be. At this point, the horizon still seems boundless. I can’t see where will I be heading two, three years from now. I want to be somewhere far… a place where the earth looks like heaven and the heaven is reachable and touchable and the clouds can be scooped like giant pure white cotton candy. I want to be neighbors with Harry Potter, bestfriends even, so I can borrow his wand and make all things magical.

I want a pillow of twigs and a blanket of soil; the sound of the sea breeze humming sweet lullabies far more relaxing than that of Schubert.

At last, I want to sleep.

Jay Chou can make me cry

I didn't know I am capable of being miserable for two straight weeks without letting anybody know of my predicament. My head's been bloated with sad thoughts and my heart's starting to get numb from too much pain. And I am getting numb from all these, happening over and over again that sometimes I feel like getting used to it; it's becoming addictive that I didn't know I am starting to look for the pain when it's not there.

I am so sad. Probably one of the saddest moments of my life. I can't even remember how many times have I been so low. I can only remember a few but they hurt too much that I still feel that funny indescribable feeling (as if someone's pinching your heart) whenever I think about them. Now, it hurts at the same spot. This little space in my chest seems to harbor a lot of hurtful emotions that it feels so heavy and crammed up, I'm having a hard time breathing. I just want to let them all go so I could feel fine again. Never mind the tears, I never run out of them.

And now I am drowning myself to these melodies and words I can't even understand. I just feel I could loose myself in this music with the least worry of getting lost. In fact, I'd rather get lost in the beauty that I hear than snap back to reality and feel my heart ripping into pieces again.


Thanks to Jay Chou, I feel a little better now.

***

I found a letter which I wrote (probably when I was half-asleep because I couldn't remember writing it) in my journal. Am I loosing my screws?

"Funny how I fell for you, and the way you caught my eye..."

It's really funny and when I think about it, I can't help but shrug at the idea. Hypocrisy aside, I think there is still a little something inside me that is going nuts about you. And these past few days have been a painful battle on whether I should or should not like you anymore. It's weird; I think I still like you. But when you open your mouth, I hate you.
The thing is, I don't want to see you. I don't want to be around you . I don't want to hear your voice or even be near you. I don't like to talk to you. I don't want your smile anymore. Because everything about you breaks my heart into pieces.

Is there a sadder word than sad?