Gloom

I feel pretty bad today.
I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I feel disregarded. I feel Unimportant. I feel neglected.
I feel so unpretty; I feel like nobody likes me.
I feel like a trash, a dump, a garbage.
I feel so alone. I feel like an alien to this cold cold room.
I feel isolated. I feel totally all by myself.
I feel cold. I feel empty.
I feel death crawling inside me.

Kitten vs ChocNut

I need to sign up for Anger Management Sessions.

Just this afternoon, a little past lunch, my immediate superior and I re-lived World War II.

Yes, I was so angry I kind of raised my voice at him. We were arguing right in front of our bewildered colleagues. I guess it's a really bad thing to do - answer back to my superior. But I really just can't help it. He was already talking nonsense and I felt like he was questioning my capability when it comes to decision-making. I feel like he's over-exaggerating things and he's already making a habit out of complicating things, which, by the way, is one of the things I HATE the most.

Not to mention, all these Asian Quality stuffs (my looooooong list of things to do) are way way over above my head and the last thing that I need was him telling me what I should and should not do. It's unfair because I feel like he's not doing enough. Thus, I tend to question his capability to be a good example to me. How can the blind lead the blind? (although I am sure I am not)

But anyway, we sat and talked about it (in a more amicable tone). But really, I can't see the point. I admit I am wrong in answering back; i felt like I did not respect him. My bad. I didn't apologize though. Not prepared to do so.

The funny thing with him and me is that our arguments are becoming routinary. We talk then we argue. Then that's it... we walk off as if nothing happened. He says I am narrow-minded and I keep on blocking other's opinions. The way I see it, he's also like that. He listens to everybody's opinion but mine. I only present what I know is prevailing in the current publication practice; they aren't just my opinions. They're the reality. Then he says there will always be changes. For me, it's really simple: ba't ko papahirapan ang sarili ko?

Really, I just don't get what he's trying to implore.

Then, not to mention this really hateful guy who thinks he's God's gift to ECCI. The gap-tooth schmuck. HoldenGirl says it all.

This is a bad day.

SA WAKAS... AQ IS HERE!!!

YEHEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

ASIAN QUALITY MAGAZINE IS FINALLY OUT ...

wala, masaya lang ako...
pati si bear masaya...
kaming lahat masaya...

on the other hand, medyo (syempre) there are certain parts in the magazine that looks like sh*t... the quality of the print is not that good. As my friend Gela brutally puts it: Hindi siya mukhang international magazine. Hey, I'm talking about the quality of the print ha... not the content... grrr... (defensive)

the boss says: darn, he's now obliged to give me a raise... tee-hee... wish ko lang... sana di drawing... but of course, may mga premonitions na na mas magiging madugo ang second issue... wish me luck...

And so?

12:57 pm

Yes, it's Tuesday... lunchtime already but I haven't had a glimpse of Asian Quality yet... ginagalit yata talaga ko ng printer ah... grrr... Anyway, nothing to do but wait. I can practically hear Guns 'N Roses singing "All we need is just a little patienceeeee" (haaay Lord, if you're listening right now, just give me that... just this once... malapit na talaga akong sumabog)

***

Anyway, while lazily browsing the net (for blogs) I came across an old [estranged] friend's blog. It saddens me actualy to realize that it's been almost 2 (or 3 yrs?) since we last talked like friends. As she puts it: it's been long since she gave up our friendship to help her move on from a very unpretty experience with an old flame [which happens to be one of my best buddies].

I didn't even remembered her birthday like I used to. It's really sad. Though I still wish her all the happiness in life, every achievement that she deserves and finally, a peaceful and serene life with the people she loves even if it means completely cutting me off her life.

But I am thankful that somehow she remembers me, she misses our friendship like the way I miss it. I miss it terribly in fact that instead of going through the hurt all over again, I choose to shun it out of my thoughts. But then, fate lets me read this and I feel the hurt again. I miss her.

I remembered this last blog I wrote about her:

About an old friend (... i miss dearly)

Normally, i would care less about a whole lot of things that i know would not really do me any good. I harbored the idea when once in my life i got really pissed off at someone, got offended, cried like it would never end and felt like a total loser. Consequently, i got mad [at myself] for succumbing to that conquest and i promised myself i would never let it happen again. I want to be tough and forego that 'cry baby' i once used to be. As they say, "No more Ms. Nice Girl"

But being nice and being sensitive are two entirely different things. I can be mean but still be sensitive to the idea of me hurting people (although some people can really be intoxicated by an utter lack of disrespect of others like this queen bitch i know... die bitch... die!!! hehe.. sorry, got carried away). I hate the idea of hurting. I hurt before because of so many things; the usual experiences a person goes through (maybe once or twice) in his lifetime, which i am thankful for because they eventually made me more enduring and faithful. So where am i leading?

While lazily browsing the net, an old friend came into mind. She WAS my best friend. (or so she thinks because i haven't given up on her yet). This friendster thing really is something -- it fills the gap of estranged friends, re-builds burnt bridges or, in this one particular odd case, cut loose the thinning thread that trussed me and this old friend. It's hard (and too long) to explain how it did it, but it just did. I used to be angered by the tought of how it all started -- of how one single and absurd entry made her assume that i was turning my back on her. That i was taking sides, got brainwashed, lost my senses -- became a useless friend. I was so hurt it still stings up to now.

She said she had to cut any ties that bound us for her to move from an ugly past to a better life. She said it hurt her too but it just doesn't make any sense. I did not choose to be entangled in a web i did not create. I did not hankered after to be like 'Samson' wedged between those bashing rocks. It was like i was just caught in the middle of a warfare i did not wish to be a part of. I felt so helpless and offended, i didn't even had the chance to defend myself. It was like being left by a long-time boyfriend for another... guy (nah, i mean girl); Only ten times the pain. It was just -- like that.

Has it been a year now? I don't know... i lost track of time. A few months ago, while busy getting on with my life i saw her at the mall (with her mom). It was like seeing her for the first time (that time when we were still in highschool). i really didn't care if she saw me or maybe i was just pretending i didn't. I knew she saw me, even looked at me with a stranger's eyes, an inept glance that needs no words to say 'The hell i care about you!' The world seemed languid at that moment. Then she was gone. After about fifty seconds of self-debate, i decided i needed to talk to her. I am not that kind of friend who just gives up that easy… no, I am not prepared to loose a friend. i ran after her... i browsed the crowd, hoping crazily to spot a girl with that hot pink shirt. i looked everywhere and gave up eventually.

So much for my illusion that we will be alright. Maybe we will… but in another time. Not just now. I still think of her. I miss those times that we saw the world in one paradigm. Where our minds meet and we care much less about other people as long as we are happy. I often think about our usual girly rendezvous -- malling, [window] shopping, one time trip at the spa, plotting on how to conquer the world and other crazy dreams. We even had this one that we will be successful working girls in the land of Uncle Sam. Well, I guess those will just remain at that. But I still smile at those thoughts. I have nothing else but to wish her well and let her know how proud I am of her [surviving the roughest tests of time]. I know she’s well-healed now and I still love her for it.

And now i am living my life for all its worth. I am transferring to a new job, ready to meet people, new friends, while still keeping the old ones. I present myself to the world -- i need not hibernate. Life, it’s too damn short to waste.

Now, we go on with our lives as if nothing happened. I can tell she is happy and God knows how glad I am that she is. Me? I am still struggling -- with my career, with my lovelife, my spiritual life, my family. But I know I'll get there in time.

One thing's for sure, If I see her right now, I'd never hesitate to hug her.

I love you Tuesday (keeping my fingers crossed)

I wish it's Tuesday already... then the misery caused by the 1st issue of ASIAN QUALITY MAGAZINE will be over. Hopefully, the printer would be able to deliver them finally... I swear, my patience is running thin... If patience is a virtue, then it is a virtue I just don't have [well, when it comes to certain things...]

My weekend wasn't at all good. I was literally a bummer. I just didin't feel like doing anything except watch and finish one whole ChiNovela... pathetic life, is it? The printer actually spoiled my day by telling me they couldn't deliver by Monday (which is today). Bunch of schmucks... they don't know how many heartaches have I endured because of this magazine and I thought they could actually be of any help. Turns out, they're the last strike of bitter fate- the merciless one.

As much as I would like to wallow and self-pity and waste my energy complaining, I didn't dare to. It wouldn't make any difference at all anyway... the magazine wouldn't still arrive and it can't bring back any wasted time. So I must wait. As far as I know, I've exerted enough effort for AQ's maiden issue; there is nothing left to squeeze.

What I am worried right now is how to fill up the pages of the second issue considering that out of the 10+ writers that I've been pestering with follow-ups during the last couple of days, only two have stuck to the deadline. The others, Jah knows what happened to their articles. Nevertheless, I will make them suffer -- kukulitin ko sila!

It's just so annoying, some people can't get a clue. I'm really tired explaining [even to those who are not involve] where the magazine is right now. I was seriously considering putting a post in my workstation : "IF YOU'RE GOING TO ASK ME ABOUT ASIAN QUALITY, THINK TWICE, ELSE SUFFER THE REST OF YOUR ECCI LIFE" or "DO NOT DISTURB, BUSY WRITING HIT LIST".

What do you think?

Hay, stupid alzheimers!

Sh*t, I forgot that I have an interview at 10 this morning with Newslink Agency for the Writer / Editor position that I am applying for! Well, I guess it's goodbye Newslink... deep shite!!!!!

I forgot myself then I forgot you
But when I woke up it was never true....

Wala lang, that phrase just popped in my head like that [note: thet snapping her fingers].

Stupid alzheimers always gets me in trouble. I wonder if it's true: old folks used to say a person loses memory everytime he/she takes a peep of his/her bottom while pooping. Yuck no? Whoever came up with that theory is one sick bastard.

Based on experience, I would say Atkin's Diet really does affect one's memory. Take my case for instance: I didn't eat any food with carbs for eight straight days and I noticed I'm becoming more and more forgetful. Well, I know that's already given but at that time, I was at my worst. Explanation is : lack of carbs results to less secretion of glucose - a monosaccharide or simply sugar, the most important carbohydrate in biology. (since when did I became a Science enthusiast?) Sugar supplies energy to the brain and revs up cellular respiration. Thus, without it, our braincells would actually be weak (... daw, malay ko... narinig ko lang yang theory na yan). Anyway, I haven't actually heard someone credible confirm that theory. Nevertheless, I stopped my "Atkin's Diet" and just let "fats be my-fats". (^_^)

Bottomline is I'm pissed I, once again a prisoner of my own crude and unavoidable but equally hateful forgetfulness, let another opportunity slip right through my small hands.

How fitting can it get?

I feel like the world is falling.. just because of the same old issues that've been haunting me even in my sleep. The magazine isn't out yet and it's almost the middle of October. Really, I swear I hate putting the blame on somebody but it's me who's being there in the firing line everytime this magazine is being talked about... "Thet, when will the magazine come out... Thet, our subscribers are already questioning us... Thet, our advertisers are already asking..." Geez, I want a break!!!

When I finished the editorial content and the layout and whent it was approved, I thought my burden will be over... but hey, I was wrong... still half -stuck in deep sh*t... haay...

See what my horoscope says:

Try not to make more of this than there really is. It's very easy to get caught up in a 'The sky is falling!' mentality, but that doesn't help anything in the end. Feel the panic, let it pass, then get down to business.

Wish it's as easy as that... I don't wanna frown too long.

A Day with Jack Canfield (Who wants Chicken Soup?)

Hah! I never thought I could actually see the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" guy in person, lest snatch him for like ten minutes for an ambush interview and have a picture taken with him...

Thanks to my boss [on such rare occassions] I get to attend Jack Canfield's "Personal Excellence & Organizational Success" seminar this morning. Not that I'm a seminar or a conference sucker... in fact there were only two occassions when I attended such that I didn't snooze while at it... this one and Jim Clark's Breakthrough Sessions Seminar, which I attended last July. That guy was also really funny, you'd literally roll down your seats from too much laughing... a very good speaker.

Anyway, Mr. Canfield was super --- his talk was sooo motivating and I did actually enjoyed listening to it. I feel like I learned a lot and mushy as it may sound... I feel renewed (naks!) My goal: to collect all the books he authored... hehe... I wish... his book's pretty expensive but I think they're all worth the investment.

So it was funny, it was like an adrenaline rush... the 5 or 10 minute ambush interview actually turned into a good conversation, not scripted (take note). All in all, it's a nice (kind'a surreal) experience...

These are some of the quotes (mantras) Mr. Canfield mentioned during the seminar which really stuck to my head: (Sorry, can't remember who exactly said them...)

Habits are only enough to get you what you're getting.

If it's meant to be, it's up to me.

You can't hire people to do your push-ups for you.

Clarity is power.

When they say no, say NEXT!

What you put out is what you gonna get.

Small dreams attract small people; big dreams attract big ones.

Winners are those who make a habit of doing things that losers are uncomfortable doing.

Oh what the heck... go for it anyway!

Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask...

And my most favorite?

Some will, Some won't, So what, Someone's waiting!

Kao Jin Yi Dian Dian

This chinese song (from the series It Started With A Kiss) caught my attention. Now, it's been playing nonstop in my head (^_^).

Kao Jin Yi Dian Dian / Come A Little Bit Closer by Lara

I wait quietly behind you
"Mo mo zai ni de sheng hou shou hu de wo"

Really want to see your accidental smile
"duo xiang kan ni bu jing yi de xiao rong"

Maybe you do not understand my heart
"huo xu wo de xin ni bu dong"

But I will try to touch your heart
"wo hui nu li rang ni gan dong"

I'm the clumsy one in your eyes
"zai ni yan zhong you duo me ben zuo de wo"

I will not give up following you
"jue bu fang qi zhui zu ni de zhi zhuo"

I just need you to give me some response
"zhi yao ni neng duo xie hui ying wo"

I will accept a smile or a nod.
"yi ge xiao huo dian tou quan dou jie shou"

Can I come near a little closer
"neng bu neng zai kao jing yi dian dian"

Confess my feelings to you loudly
"da sheng shuo chu ni suo you gan jue"

Don't shut yourself in your own world anymore
"bie zai jin jin guan zai zhi you zi ji de shi jie"

The warm sun welcomes you
"wen nuan tai yang wei ni ying jie"

Can I come near a little closer
"neng bu neng zai kao jing yi dian dian"

Can I be braver a little bit
"neng bu neng zai yong gan yi dian dian"

Even if I know that it will always be a one-sided love affair
"jiu shuan rang wo zhi dao wo yong yuan zi shi dan lian"

I will still keep my gratitude
"wo ye hui chang zhe gan xie"

Smilling to you and say goodbye.
"xiao zhe he ni shuo zai jian"

Here's a preview of the series. It's cute...

Cutest MV ever... Wonderful Life

Toothache and Heartache

Because I am stubborn and I haven't actually done something to get rid of this pesky tooth (supposedly a year ago) I am suffering big time. This is one of those times when I want to slap myself hard because my molar is really painful. I swear, I've been whimpering like a sick kitten from sun-up because of THIS... grrr...

I just have this weird assumption that when my heart aches too much, this pesky tooth wants to do a duet with it... I feel a little heartbroken... with who, don't ask... it's the same old sh*t i just can't get over with. Pathetic I know. Or maybe who knows, I'm just trying to deny myself something; maybe I am not heartbroken... I just think that we are hopeless. (Ba't naman kase di pwede ang Chinese sa Pinoy?) haha... just kiddin'... as if may future... malala na ko.


Nah, actually I am just sad about the fact that I've been wasting time for nothing. I already know and (as far as I have convinced myself) I've already accepted what reality is waving furiously at my face. I am just a mere spectator to his stageplay. It's really amazing I got struck. I felt like I'm hooked. Naks!

But going back to this pesky tooth, I feel like it has its own mind (again, just like my heart). Whenever I'm scheduled for a tooth extraction with my dentist, it becomes like THIS -- it aches, it swells ... it's like it doesn't wanna leave me. Hell, to think that I don't really need it. I must get rid of it, else suffer forever.

Whatever, I am getting rid of it. I just have to endure the pain. I know I can.

Situation F**k*d (beep) Up Now Normal (hehe)

The cold battle is over between me and my brother. No words were spoken but we know everything's okay now. Oh, well, not really okay as there are still some issues left unsolved but we'd rather not talk about them.

I would like to be a good sister to him. The problem is I really don't know how. Maybe I am too self-absorbed to notice that all along, I've been nothing but a nightmare to him. Pero, I swear I am trying my best to be good -- 'wag magsungit, 'wag maging maldita, 'wag awayin yung mga girl-lets nya -- but hey, what can I do, Iam just an 'Ate' -- somtimes, I need to appear tough to him. But yea, not all the time.

Whatever... I am just happy.

SNAFU! Situation Normal All F***d (bleep) Up

I am not a quitter.

I will stand by these words until my last breath. Naks… Really, I don’t have to be dramatic but I’ve been smothered by anger the whole afternoon today so I am trying to relax and give myself some respite.

I am praying for that day when I will see AQ (the magazine) for real. Pwede rin yung AQ na tao… kidding. I’ve been doing the maiden issue for too long that the mere look of it [the mock-up] makes me want to puke my insides out. Really, I feel like an anchored raft in the midst of the Atlantic ocean. So futile, so helpless.

My dilemma? The printer told me that they wouldn’t be able to deliver the magazines on Tuesday in time for Gelai’s event where it is supposed to be launched. Haayyy… if only I wouldn’t be damned to curse… grrr…

But anyway, as it has always been my principle in life not to be defeated by defeat itself. Ano daw? For me, it’s better to move on than to wallow in distress. It wouldn’t solve the problem anyway so why fritter my time away to such mindless act?

I swear I’d lay down every ounce of my self worth for this magazine to happen. Now, I want something to make it all worth the effort. I know some people’s ears are probably burning with my unending qualms about this project but what can I do, I myself can’t even see the end of it (or of the first issue at least).

Adding up to my woes are the schmucks who think they’re God’s gift to the world… Well sorry to deflate your overly humongous egos… the world can go on without you. I can live without you so get your sh*t out of my sight. Oooopsss… sorry got carried away. I swear these people believe they will be here for eternity. Too sad, they don’t know that life is too short compared to forever to live most of it in good faith. I’ll just pray for them.

Weekend… weekend… It’s already half past nine in the evening but here I am in my workstation sending last minute emails to more writers for our second issue. See, the first issue’s not even out and I’m already killing myself for the next one. Wake Up Thet! Blah…

Morning dilemmas

If health is wealth, then I'd be poor...

Morbid as it may seem but I think I wouldn't live too long to witness my old age. I'm only 24 and I've been having a lot of problems with regards my health. Recently, my back pains are getting worse and I've been having trouble with breathing.

And so I went to see a doctor to ask if I'm gonna die anytime soon (just kidding). I just had my blood pressure checked for fear that at this age, I am already highblood. Wrong. I am low-blood - 110/70. That explains my constant near-faint episodes and blacking outs (but really, not that serious). The doctor gave me three sheets of prescriptions and [as a matter of fact, I'm leaving my workstation to buy these medicines now].

Three sheets -- Cerebrex (whatever that is) for my 'Stiff Shoulders' caused by tension and stress and not sleeping on time and too much thinking.. hehe, an anti-histamine drug (which name I forgot and is definitely not Benadryl) for my allergic rhinitis and the remaining sheet -- a list of exercise that i need to lift the weight off my shoulders. I wonder if they have a medicine to really lift these burdens off my shoulder (figuratively speaking!)

It makes me think -- it really is worth to invest in my health. Afterall, I owe my body some respect. God gave it to me whole and when I came back to see Him, every part of it must be in good condition.

***

Bills Bills Bills

I could practically hear Destiny's child high notes wringing in my ears. Geez, I work to earn my dough to pay all my bills. Sabagay, this happens to everybody. I made this happen anyway. Had I known something about managing what I earn before, then I wouldn't be a prisoner to this horrid experience.

First, I am a credit card junkie. I am paying quite a handful on my credit card bills alone (actually me and my sister share). I've got two cards and what I owe these two combined can actually buy me car ( a second hand, that is). What a waste! I get really pissed at myself when I think about how much food can I put on our table with the amount that is being wasted from binging on too much materal stuffs before. Haay... me and my selfish little ways. I swear I am working on that.

Now I have to endure a couple of years before I can finally free myself from the rope that binds me to these credit card sharks. No more and I mean NO MORE credit cards for me.

***

Now I have to go back to work.

Kim Jae Won Interview

Thet, Wake UP!!!!!! (Pampagising...)

As mentioned, this guy is my current juvenile obsession.

Must be this smile... hehe... ang kulit...

Hmmm...

... am speechless...

ZZzzzleeeepyhead

8:43am

My mouth's gonna rip from too much yawning... Geez, I'm sooooo sleepy! Looks like I went to the office early today to carry on with my trip to dreamland. I was half-asleep half-awake while traveling from my house to the office and as soon as I reached my cubicle, I drowsed off like a baby. But since I am not thick and I do respect my work, I accept my defeat and succumb to my fate - work.

Yet, my mind's too numb to function and there's just too many things that I need to think about right now. (Thus, this blog). Like I thought it was over with AQ's first issue yet I still am killing myself trying to finish everything; then, there's the second issue that I have to start working on. Hay, life. As long as I know that God wouldn't give me anything that I can't handle, I'm at peace.

Oh-My Oooopppsss Moments

bloop·er (blpr)n.

Informal A clumsy mistake, especially one made in public; a faux pas.

Everybody has bloopers. I was probably waving my hands like a total wacko when God showered the earth with the ‘blooper potion’. Hence, the birth of Thet – the blooper Goddess.

It's funny how I always make a spectacle of myself in the company of my friends (in the office) or in public. It never fails and I always wanted to tuck my face in my undershirt should it be possible.

Specimen No.1:

In a lot of photos, I am usually that person who has her own world (A) I am not looking at the camera (B) My mouth is hanging open like a mad volcano's crater (C) I am covering my face with my right hand -- i swear, it's always the right. Because I laugh like crazy and I just can't stop laughing once it hit me, the output is this ----->>

Specimen No. 2

The controversial P & F, B & V. I often hear people with braces mispronounce P as F and V as B and vice versa. But I don’t have braces; I have an overbite. It might be a good justification. Sometimes, I want to knock myself in the head when I drop this clanger whenever I’m in a formal meeting or when I am speaking in front of a large audience. It’s just so embarrassing.

Specimen No.3

Wayne (my seat/officemate) says I am deaf. Actually, he claims either I’m deaf or I’m just naturally dense. I know, harsh no? In truth, there are times when people tell me something, it just doesn’t register. I think those were what we call ‘total brain shut’. It’s like my brain cells just decided to give the day a rest without my permission. Thus, nagiging slow ako. Hehe.

Specimen No. 4

My usual tripping-in-my-own-foot episodes. I have a notion that my early demise will not be caused by my heart ailment; I will perish because of my own clumsiness... hehe. Thus, I hate tangled-up cables that obstruct my path (for sure, I'm gonna trip on them), my favorite square pinstriped slacks (because I am often victimized by them... what a way to repay their owner) and anything hazardous (ano daw?)

So, I leave you this: SNAFU. Situation Normal All F*ck*d Up!

Hurt

What would you do if you were suddenly bombarded by hurtful words and hateful rantings that you didn't know were already being harbored by a loved one? Me? I am devastated.
I am really hurt that thinking about it makes me wanna cry.

I had a big fight with my 'kuya' a few days ago and his words of revulsion keep ringing in my ears until I can hear no more. AND I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS OKAY. And to think that argument started with something really petty -- my period. Don't ask.

He said that I am a manipulative b**ch and that I didn't deserve an ounce of respect. Wow... some very comforting words I got there; hit me hard... smacked me right in the middle of my face.

Yes, maybe I was that dominant mega-mean person that I used to be at home but I AM really working on it now. I am changing myself to a better person. I am a work in progress... slowly, I will get there. I am trying my very best to assuage my temper and purge every ill and vile attitude that I had before. I swear if you have your whole heart in it, it will happen.

Then it happened. Maybe I deserve that; maybe he needs to let it out of his system. He deserves that. And right now, the last thing I want is to stay perpetually mad at him. As if it can make everything okay. I know it wouldn't but I am just a person and I am really really really hurt. If only I can hug him right now and tell him I am not what he thinks, I'd do that.

But right now, I am just an older sister -- wounded and crying inside because I don't deserve his respect.

Prince Charming

I've found a new boyfriend. But he doesn't know... that I even exist... Haha! Friends, meet Joo Ji-hoon (a.k.a. Prince Xin in Korean Drama "Princess Hours"). This is his cutest pic...

Delicioso...

His Cuteness...