And so, I spent my long weekend back in Baguio... after six long years! =) I guess I am just so happy to be back, to be seeing good old familiar places, hearing that old familiar dialect (Maysang estudyante manong!) and being in the company of my friends whom I haven't seen for such a long time.
About 11:45, Saturday night, the deluxe bus I took from Victory Liner, Pasay Terminal left for Baguio. I really wanted to travel comfortably and by that, I mean no narrow bus seat, no unwanted seatmate and no stop overs. Ang arte eh no? I just thought that since it would be my first time again in years to go back to Baguio, my trip should be a little special. Well, it turned out to be very special =) Armed only with my hooded jacket to help me battle the cold, I arrived in Baguio at 4:15am (!).. thanks to Kat and Jang, I had a place to stay =) Really, thank you guys from the bottom of my (naguguluhang) heart... you are my angels.. hihi...
Anyway, Turista Day 1 started as soon as I regained my energy around lunch time. Me and Kat went to Pizza Volante for lunch. Seems like that one's a pretty famous meeting place. Food was great. If only I haven't had my braces adjusted the night before, I swear I could've eaten all what was served like a hungry buffalo. We were really planning to eat at 50s Dinner, which was one of my most favorite restos in Baguio during my college years. Unfortunately, it got transferred and although they were saying it's still as good as the old one (especially the food), it didn't feel that way. It was also jam packed with double a dozen tourists waiting in line just to get inside. So, we ended at Session Rd to the famous Pizza place. After lunch, we went to sneak in UP Campus just to have a feel of our alma mater. Geez, I miss UP... I miss 'Oble'... I miss being just a student. As I've mentioned before, the school looks really different, with a lot of new structures and buildings. I can't even remember where the offices are... tsk.
Then, we headed off to Botanical Garden (nope, in all my Baguio years, I haven't been there!) for some serious turista business - eh ano pa, e di magpicture nang magpicture. =) We thought minsan lang naman yun so, magpapakaturista na kami. Then it rained... and we took more pictures.
Then I got 'R's message... meet daw kami ng 8pm sa Volante (na naman!). I must admit, I was a little panicky and worried. 'R' is my college crush - as in that ultimate blush-ever, can't-talk-straight-when-he's-around, 'pahiram-ng-Math-notes-para-maka-style', nenok-ng-picture-sa-bulletin-board, active-sa-Youth-Night, kind of crush. Yuck no? Haha. Anyway, we started 'talking' again after I got an unexpected message from him at... okay, buckle up... Friendster! He got my number and that was that. So I informed him that I was in Baguio and that was it. Hala. I don't actually know why I was somehow nervous at the thought of meeting him, considering that six years have passed already and I am pretty sure that I am not feeling anything special this time (fingers crossed tightly!). Kat said I have to get my beauty rest so we went back to the house to get freshened up (kamusta naman, ang dudungis na namin at nangangamoy usok pa). The meeting was moved to 9pm as he was preparin' some kind of a gift for me daw. At dun nagsimula, ladies & gentlemen, ang istorya ng pakbet. bow. (tell you some other time) So there, spent the rest of my night with 'R', re-living our college memories together (which were actually so little but nice just the same). He took me home a little before 12mn and I haven't seen him the rest of my stay in Baguio. It's his exams week daw so I'd say, forgivable? U-huh. Text lang siya ng text, ganun. Hmp...
Turista Day number 2: Tam-awan Village, some art gallery / coffee shop near Tam-awan, Red Cherries (tama ba?) cake shop, market and Kaffee Klatsch. I am really thankful that I had Kat and Jang to accompany me around. Kat and I had lunch at Tam-awan. It was my first time to eat Adobong Baboy na kamote yung halo. Ang sarap, but again, because of my teeth-throbbing episodes, hindi ko pa din makagat yung ulam. Sad. Then we had a lot of sight-seeing.Tam-awan is such a cool place (literally and figuratively speaking). They have these Igorot-inspired houses which can be rented overnight for lodging. We went up the steep and slippery path to the view deck where you can supposedly see the China Sea and witness God's magnificent creation but the fog was so thick that I only got to see the silhouette of some trees. Then again, it was the experience and the company that I am really thankful for. =) Then we saw this coffee shop / art gallery and we went inside and got awe-struck by the different art pieces inside. They don't allow taking pictures inside but since we don't acknowledge that rule, we still clicked away to our cameras' content. Nakarma tuloy ako... I have this picture where mukhang huling-huli ako sa akto at gulat na gulat. Bigla kasing nag-chime yung bells na signal yata 'pag may visitors, eh I was posing beside this art sculpture... pati si Kat nagulat kaya yung picture CLASSIC... haha. Kafee Klatsch - best place to be with your friends if you just want non-stop talking (and picture-taking in our case) with soft acoustic / piano performance in the background. I fell in love with that place instantly.
My third day was serious business. I had to go back to UP and accomplish my clearance, get my diploma (at last!) and apply for a request for my Transcript of records which I would claim in the next two months. When I was asked to sign the claim sheet, I saw that I was among the few ones left who haven't got these documents yet. Almost all my batch mates have gotten theirs years ago. Hala. I had to go back after lunch 'coz the manang who's in-charge of the releasing of diploma and whatnot took a half-day leave. I went to SM and just looked around forgetting about time. It was already past 2pm when I went back to UP.
Anyway, I had no clue that my nightmare was just about to start. After I left UP, I headed straight to Victory Liner to buy my ticket for my trip back to Manila. I got an 11:15pm schedule. The rain started pouring hard just as I was about to get out of the terminal so I decided to stay back for about 30 minutes and just surf the net in a computer shop inside the terminal. The rain looked like it would never stop. The computer shop manang said it was the onset of typhoon so there's really no use waiting. I decided to go ahead with my plan and scour the market for some pasalubong. Then I got stranded waiting for a cab that would take me 'home'. It took me about two hours, drenched and cold and well... surprisingly... happy. I was worried alright but it was something that didn't really scare me. I knew I'd get pass that safe and sound. Malakas ako kay Lord... hehe. Pero grabe, it was my first time to experience something like that in Baguio... alone.
At around 10:30pm, despite the torrential rain, Kat and Jang brought me to the terminal. As much as I hated saying goodbye, I did... knowing that in just a few months, I'll see them both again. So to you, I am still not done thanking you. Thank you for making that trip worthwhile and special and also, for making me laugh like crazy at the mere thought of 'pakbet'. Ikamusta niyo na lang ako kay Pakbet Boy. Ayus.
I'll post the pictures soon in my multiply page. =)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
'He-Who-Must-Be-Tamed''
This is what happens when I am totally upset - I become the master word stringer; my creative juice overflows. This was written while I was sulking, eyes half-closed because I was almost asleep. I thought I just had to let it all out.
An ode to 'He-Who-Must-Be-Tamed'... the 'Dark Lord' in the most literal sense of the word... I'm sure you know who am I talking about. =)
The Puppet Master
He is the dark cloud that covers up your hopes of getting through a day of supposedly pure bliss. He is a typhoon – wreaking havoc to the melancholy of your life. He is the one who will gnaw you alive until you’re nothing but bone scrap. He will feed on your brain and lap up your sweat, tears and blood until you scream dehydration. He’ll nosh sumptuously on your dignity and self-worth as desert. You are nothing but a melting candle in his evil eyes – a disgustful sight in itself. You are a prey and will remain to be while you remain in his colony. He knows everything like a good ‘ol mountain hermit for he has a sixth sense – senselessness.
In his world there is no ‘We’; it’s always ‘I’. ‘You’ is always an ‘I’ – imbecile, idiot, irrelevant. His ‘I’ is an ‘aye, aye, aye!’ He is a one way mirror who sees nothing but himself and his terrifying reflection deserves an oil canvass paint in the museum down from 20 feet under.
In the puppet master’s world, there are no candies and rainbows and white fluffy clouds. His world is an endless train track underneath an unending tunnel of stench. He derives ecstasy from one agonizing pain to another; your cries of torment are his Bach’s Prelude in C Minor – a symphony and an art, a creation of pleasure that cannot be missed.
***
Monday, August 11, 2008
H&G
They say that when you throw a stone into the ocean, no matter how heavy or big it is, it will always find its way to the shore. What shore is that? I don't really know; it doesn't really matter. Point is, it does come back.
This thought made me reflect on how many people in my lifetime - family, friends, acquaintances, those whom I have never really met but I feel like I've known them - have come and go, have said hello, have said goodbye and then, there were those who didn't say anything; they just left. How many bridges have been burned? How many bruises have I gained and how many scars are just about to heal?
One of my life's greatest puzzles is that, why do people talk about forever when it doesn't seem to exist at all? 'Friends Forever', Forever's not enough, From now until forever... I mean, is there someone who has actually experienced it?
***
On to a lighter side but still some kind'a related story...
I've been talking about burnt bridges and all those saying goodbye stuff. But in the last few weeks I've been witnessing God's love through some old friends who have suddenly decided to hike down my path. For me, these little encounters are the biggest things in life. It is one proof of how we are created in just one huge melting pot.
And so now I ask: Did I ever lose anything? =)
This thought made me reflect on how many people in my lifetime - family, friends, acquaintances, those whom I have never really met but I feel like I've known them - have come and go, have said hello, have said goodbye and then, there were those who didn't say anything; they just left. How many bridges have been burned? How many bruises have I gained and how many scars are just about to heal?
One of my life's greatest puzzles is that, why do people talk about forever when it doesn't seem to exist at all? 'Friends Forever', Forever's not enough, From now until forever... I mean, is there someone who has actually experienced it?
***
On to a lighter side but still some kind'a related story...
I've been talking about burnt bridges and all those saying goodbye stuff. But in the last few weeks I've been witnessing God's love through some old friends who have suddenly decided to hike down my path. For me, these little encounters are the biggest things in life. It is one proof of how we are created in just one huge melting pot.
And so now I ask: Did I ever lose anything? =)
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
You're welcome!
I totally forgot that I've been sending out donation to the UNICEF for the last four months. I was reminded when I received this postcard a day before yesterday and I must say, it warms my heart =)
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I miss ChinChin =)
Weird, but I just saw her (and Tina) last Friday. We had dinner and coffee (as usual) and tons of chikahang 'umaatikabo' a-la Daily Ten
Probably, what I mean is I miss having her as an officemate whom I could see on a daily basis, have lunch with, and as an outlet whenever I feel bad about work. See, it's never been the same since all my friends left me (well, physically they did) but I'm sure they're just around there somewhere whenever I am on my 'tag-praning' days and need some ears to use up... =)
I actually miss you all =)
Probably, what I mean is I miss having her as an officemate whom I could see on a daily basis, have lunch with, and as an outlet whenever I feel bad about work. See, it's never been the same since all my friends left me (well, physically they did) but I'm sure they're just around there somewhere whenever I am on my 'tag-praning' days and need some ears to use up... =)
I actually miss you all =)
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Just another Sunday
I think I am reverting to my old Sunday ways and I am not liking it. Sunday for me used to be a bummer's day; meaning, it was me, my bed and the TV. I could like let a whole day pass without going out of my room, except for an occasional trip to the cr and to get myself some food. I told myself while it is good to do that sometimes, I wouldn't want to waste my time anymore doing nothing. Plus, I kind of promised to devote the first half of the day with my 'date' with God. Unfortunately, I haven't been too successful with both. Well, today might be an exception 'coz I am still not feeling well. I missed Church again... tsk... Mom even did my laundry for me today and I totally adore her even more.
Anyway, I guess there isn't really much to tell 'coz I didn't do anything or at least nothing interesting happened today. I'll just share these videos of my new found fave 'earplug', Brooke Fraser.
DECIPHERING ME (this one's my favorite!=))
SHADOWFEET
Anyway, I guess there isn't really much to tell 'coz I didn't do anything or at least nothing interesting happened today. I'll just share these videos of my new found fave 'earplug', Brooke Fraser.
DECIPHERING ME (this one's my favorite!=))
SHADOWFEET
Saturday, July 19, 2008
So, what's up with me?
wow. a month almost passed by and i am too sick to notice it.
I don't even know if this is still normal because I've been having fever (on and off) since last week (July 10 to be exact). My temperature is so unstable that I only got to report to work for two days this week (or last?). I must admit, my brain's not been functioning well in the last couple of weeks and I wasn't all up for work (especially after I got that too-brutal-to-forget bashing from the hell spawn at work). I think the v-cay mode has something to do with this too.
See, our company had this little 'outing' last July 10 and 11 at this very nice Caylabne Bay Resort somewhere in Cavite. Damn, it was far and the road going there is like Marcos Highway and Kenon Road combined. Very very lucky me - I got fever on our first night there so I didn't get to enjoy much whatever happenings they had (card games, bonding time, etc.) 'coz I slept really early. I was still a little bit under the weather on the second day but instead of sulking, I jumped into the pool and just enjoyed what was left of the day.
The following day, me and my siblings were off to Hong Kong. We didn't even sleep 'coz our flight was at 5am and we had to be at the airport around 3am. Try looking at these pictures and see how our eyebags almost ate half our faces. (hehe!) But it was worth it 'coz I had a very great time with my ate and 'kuya'... even if i was super masungit half the time (pms... tsk... and lack of sleep...) We stayed in this very nice hotel in Northpoint (pros- it's strategically located near the subway station and the rooms are really nice; con - it is at a marketplace!) and we loved it. We got to know Xiang Gang (Chinese for HK) very well in those three days 'coz we were walking and just taking the MTR all the time to save some bucks. Our second day was spent In Disneyland which I swear, was a lot better than the last time I saw it. They have this new attraction called 'It's a Small World' where different countries of the world are represented and little dolls dressed in their national costumes are singing 'It's a small world (afterall!)' in their own languages. Of course, the Philippines is there. =) While it's actually for kids, we enjoyed it a lot!
The rest of the HK trip can be summarized into more walking and trips to Starbucks! Yup, a trip for me is not complete without my cup of (starbucks) coffee =)
So, we got home in the wee hours of Tuesday morning and guess what - I was back with a fever! Kamusta naman? I swear, this virus is clinging to me like crazy. And this time, I got the bonuses - cough and colds. So, I ended up staying home (but still working since I got my laptop with me) last Tuesday and when I felt a little better, I went to work the following day (Wednesday). But as expected, I went home like a sickly kitten, having chills the rest of the night so I was bedridden come Thursday. But since I am a self-confessed idiot, I went to work again yesterday (Friday), coughing my way through the day. It was stupid but it was okay. I also missed my Mandarin classes on purpose to meet up and have dinner with my friends - C & T. The rest didn't show up (as usual!) But again, it was okay and it was a very fun (sickly) night! =)
So, there... that's what happened.
I don't even know if this is still normal because I've been having fever (on and off) since last week (July 10 to be exact). My temperature is so unstable that I only got to report to work for two days this week (or last?). I must admit, my brain's not been functioning well in the last couple of weeks and I wasn't all up for work (especially after I got that too-brutal-to-forget bashing from the hell spawn at work). I think the v-cay mode has something to do with this too.
See, our company had this little 'outing' last July 10 and 11 at this very nice Caylabne Bay Resort somewhere in Cavite. Damn, it was far and the road going there is like Marcos Highway and Kenon Road combined. Very very lucky me - I got fever on our first night there so I didn't get to enjoy much whatever happenings they had (card games, bonding time, etc.) 'coz I slept really early. I was still a little bit under the weather on the second day but instead of sulking, I jumped into the pool and just enjoyed what was left of the day.
The following day, me and my siblings were off to Hong Kong. We didn't even sleep 'coz our flight was at 5am and we had to be at the airport around 3am. Try looking at these pictures and see how our eyebags almost ate half our faces. (hehe!) But it was worth it 'coz I had a very great time with my ate and 'kuya'... even if i was super masungit half the time (pms... tsk... and lack of sleep...) We stayed in this very nice hotel in Northpoint (pros- it's strategically located near the subway station and the rooms are really nice; con - it is at a marketplace!) and we loved it. We got to know Xiang Gang (Chinese for HK) very well in those three days 'coz we were walking and just taking the MTR all the time to save some bucks. Our second day was spent In Disneyland which I swear, was a lot better than the last time I saw it. They have this new attraction called 'It's a Small World' where different countries of the world are represented and little dolls dressed in their national costumes are singing 'It's a small world (afterall!)' in their own languages. Of course, the Philippines is there. =) While it's actually for kids, we enjoyed it a lot!
The rest of the HK trip can be summarized into more walking and trips to Starbucks! Yup, a trip for me is not complete without my cup of (starbucks) coffee =)
So, we got home in the wee hours of Tuesday morning and guess what - I was back with a fever! Kamusta naman? I swear, this virus is clinging to me like crazy. And this time, I got the bonuses - cough and colds. So, I ended up staying home (but still working since I got my laptop with me) last Tuesday and when I felt a little better, I went to work the following day (Wednesday). But as expected, I went home like a sickly kitten, having chills the rest of the night so I was bedridden come Thursday. But since I am a self-confessed idiot, I went to work again yesterday (Friday), coughing my way through the day. It was stupid but it was okay. I also missed my Mandarin classes on purpose to meet up and have dinner with my friends - C & T. The rest didn't show up (as usual!) But again, it was okay and it was a very fun (sickly) night! =)
So, there... that's what happened.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Stormy Sunday
It's been raining non-stop for the last two days and I've been totally immobile here at home. Rainy days make me lazy... it's the best time to just bum around - stay in bed, watch a cheezy korean flick or that drama I've been wanting to finish, and munch on whatever my tastebuds are craving. So far, I've consumed four cups of coffee, a cup of hot chocolate, one tub of popcorn, three packs of chips (from mama's store) and some candies. I am still hungry though.Despite all these junk food, I haven't had a decent meal today.
I missed Church today because I was afraid to go out. I also canceled my movie date with my friends; we were supposed to watch Narnia and drool over Prince Caspian but the weather wouldn't just allow it. But to be honest, I like it sometimes when the weather's like this and was (still a little bit) praying that it would still rain as hard tomorrow so I wouldn't have to go to work. bad... bad... bad...
Oh, well, I felt a little guilty as soon as I opened a few news sites and read some updates about the typhoon Fengshen or 'Frank'. About 86 were killed and 700 plus are still missing as it ravaged Visayas and South Luzon this weekend. A passenger ferry, 'Princess of the Stars' capsized off Sibuyan island in Romblon's central province Saturday night and many (about 700 plus) are still missing. What's disturbing is that I was able to ride this boat during my shipping beat days as a reporter. It was the biggest among the domestic passenger fleet at that time and I saw how nice the interior of that boat was. Oh well... I pray they would find more survivors.
I missed Church today because I was afraid to go out. I also canceled my movie date with my friends; we were supposed to watch Narnia and drool over Prince Caspian but the weather wouldn't just allow it. But to be honest, I like it sometimes when the weather's like this and was (still a little bit) praying that it would still rain as hard tomorrow so I wouldn't have to go to work. bad... bad... bad...
Oh, well, I felt a little guilty as soon as I opened a few news sites and read some updates about the typhoon Fengshen or 'Frank'. About 86 were killed and 700 plus are still missing as it ravaged Visayas and South Luzon this weekend. A passenger ferry, 'Princess of the Stars' capsized off Sibuyan island in Romblon's central province Saturday night and many (about 700 plus) are still missing. What's disturbing is that I was able to ride this boat during my shipping beat days as a reporter. It was the biggest among the domestic passenger fleet at that time and I saw how nice the interior of that boat was. Oh well... I pray they would find more survivors.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
One of my most favorite guys in the world...
Tada!
Seriously...
I just thought that it's time I write something about this person.
This is Wayne - my closest (or so I think) guy pal in the office.
Wayne is a person that I DON'T understand or get at all. It's like he has his own little world, bolted with a very heavy steel door; you need a tremendous amount of effort before you could come in but once you're inside, you're in for a lot of treat. But this very character of his is what actually makes him [a] special...(child)... kiddin'
He is an insensitive little dweeb that could make my head explode because of his naive-bordering-on-'cluelessness' little ways that sometimes, you'd think he's doing it on purpose just to make you angry. He's also that person who could make me throw my guts out from too much laughing 'coz of his natural goofiness and funny little antics. He can make me laugh without even opening his mouth. And he can also make me angry because he doesn't say anything even if he needs to.
He is my constant companion on my usual trips to food-hunting (whenever I crave for anything!), to convenience stores, to the banks, and anywhere outside the confines of our office whenever I feel like seeing the bustling outside world. He's that person you can easily drag around wherever... whenever (basta office hours and he's not doing anything or is too lazy to do anything just yet!)
He's the most stingy person I know.... although I noticed, these days, the 'kakuriputan' is waning a little bit. But I bow down to his discipline and self-control and his will to do things the right way. Most importantly, I sincerely appreciate his patience to keep up with me and my crazy sometimes-hard-to-deal-with ways.
Xie xie ni wo de peng you! v(^_^)v
Seriously...
I just thought that it's time I write something about this person.
This is Wayne - my closest (or so I think) guy pal in the office.
Wayne is a person that I DON'T understand or get at all. It's like he has his own little world, bolted with a very heavy steel door; you need a tremendous amount of effort before you could come in but once you're inside, you're in for a lot of treat. But this very character of his is what actually makes him [a] special...(child)... kiddin'
He is an insensitive little dweeb that could make my head explode because of his naive-bordering-on-'cluelessness' little ways that sometimes, you'd think he's doing it on purpose just to make you angry. He's also that person who could make me throw my guts out from too much laughing 'coz of his natural goofiness and funny little antics. He can make me laugh without even opening his mouth. And he can also make me angry because he doesn't say anything even if he needs to.
He is my constant companion on my usual trips to food-hunting (whenever I crave for anything!), to convenience stores, to the banks, and anywhere outside the confines of our office whenever I feel like seeing the bustling outside world. He's that person you can easily drag around wherever... whenever (basta office hours and he's not doing anything or is too lazy to do anything just yet!)
He's the most stingy person I know.... although I noticed, these days, the 'kakuriputan' is waning a little bit. But I bow down to his discipline and self-control and his will to do things the right way. Most importantly, I sincerely appreciate his patience to keep up with me and my crazy sometimes-hard-to-deal-with ways.
Xie xie ni wo de peng you! v(^_^)v
Saturday, June 14, 2008
A fury that shouldn't have been there.
When I get mad, I really get mad - crazy, I mean. I tend to forgo all kinds of reasonings and I become deaf and blind to all possible explanations. I also become mute - I don't talk to anyone at all. Like an imbecile and an autistic person, I lock myself in my own world, repelling anyone or anything that would try to break down my doors. I get so caught up in my own thoughts, letting the 'anger poison' seep in deeper into my veins. And as if it is some kind of a potion that gives me strength and power, I feel so uninhibited and it makes me feel like I can say and do anything and just abash any poor fellow that would stand (clueless-ly) in my way.
Take for instance an incident with my boss a year or so ago. I was so mad at him that I almost forgot that he's my boss and he could kick my working ass anytime he pleases. The thing was I felt that his 'belittling thet' is way going below the belt and I was really offended. I felt that he was undermining my capability and the tactless (and heartless) guy that he is, he loved showing [it] off at my expense. So, one day while we were in a meeting, my anger silently erupted. I antagonized him by not talking and looking at him at all - even if he was addressing me - in front of his visitors. I kept mum, paralyzed there in my seat, not caring at all how he would react or anybody would for that matter. I was so angry that talking might bring out that burning fury and hatred that was sure to have made the situation more ugly. I think I got the message across because right after the meeting, he asked me what the hell my problem was and asked me to see him in his office. The hard-headed stubborn little me didn't falter - I hid from him the rest of the day, not wanting to talk, or if possible, not wanting to have to do with the jackass anymore. I guess I won that battle because he became a little nicer to me the following days, weeks even and he didn't bother bringing up that incident anymore.
While there are times that this helps me get by (and prove my point), I am not proud of this part of me because I tend to hurt a lot of people. My fury is a fire that consumes me, sometimes almost burning bridges and I regret it - truly. The problem is my mind automatically shuts down and the only thing that it retains is the fact that I am angry and I don't care. I hate and I loathe and I say hurtful things or do things that could really cut deep into someone's heart. In the end, I can only say, 'I am so truly sorry'. Thinking about it now, it makes me realize even more how this reflects my immaturity in handling the bitter bits and pieces of the realities of life - that it is not always on my side and I can't get all I want. I am such a life brat - spoiled and rotten and wanting to change.
Take for instance an incident with my boss a year or so ago. I was so mad at him that I almost forgot that he's my boss and he could kick my working ass anytime he pleases. The thing was I felt that his 'belittling thet' is way going below the belt and I was really offended. I felt that he was undermining my capability and the tactless (and heartless) guy that he is, he loved showing [it] off at my expense. So, one day while we were in a meeting, my anger silently erupted. I antagonized him by not talking and looking at him at all - even if he was addressing me - in front of his visitors. I kept mum, paralyzed there in my seat, not caring at all how he would react or anybody would for that matter. I was so angry that talking might bring out that burning fury and hatred that was sure to have made the situation more ugly. I think I got the message across because right after the meeting, he asked me what the hell my problem was and asked me to see him in his office. The hard-headed stubborn little me didn't falter - I hid from him the rest of the day, not wanting to talk, or if possible, not wanting to have to do with the jackass anymore. I guess I won that battle because he became a little nicer to me the following days, weeks even and he didn't bother bringing up that incident anymore.
While there are times that this helps me get by (and prove my point), I am not proud of this part of me because I tend to hurt a lot of people. My fury is a fire that consumes me, sometimes almost burning bridges and I regret it - truly. The problem is my mind automatically shuts down and the only thing that it retains is the fact that I am angry and I don't care. I hate and I loathe and I say hurtful things or do things that could really cut deep into someone's heart. In the end, I can only say, 'I am so truly sorry'. Thinking about it now, it makes me realize even more how this reflects my immaturity in handling the bitter bits and pieces of the realities of life - that it is not always on my side and I can't get all I want. I am such a life brat - spoiled and rotten and wanting to change.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
KC!
I wasn't really a fan but when I met her, it's quite difficult not to be... =)
with KC during the Walk the World last June 01, 2008. END HUNGER!
with KC during the Walk the World last June 01, 2008. END HUNGER!Saturday, May 31, 2008
Miyo-kun
My cat, Miyo, has a future in print ad modeling... this feline fellow knows how to pose for the camera...
* candy pink knitted sweater with heart design (borrowed from Unni's stuffed toy), background, my pillows... ayysshh...
this darn thing looks so adorable!
* candy pink knitted sweater with heart design (borrowed from Unni's stuffed toy), background, my pillows... ayysshh...this darn thing looks so adorable!
Musings on the Hillsong United concert
I feel a little guilty.
I gushed non-stop about that surreal but very very nice close encounter with Jad Gillies of Hillsong United (still can't stop smiling just thinking about it!) but I haven't once mentioned (atleast in my blog) what Hillsong's concert brought in my spiritual being that night. No doubt about it, the concert was very uplifting and it was a real blessing. It was very overwhelming to see (probably) more than 20,000 people singing praises and worshiping God for two and a half hours!
I must admit, I didn't know anyone from Hillsong United before the concert but I know most (not all, okay?!) of their songs by heart. In a way, I could say that I was really there not to adore the band members but to praise and worship Jesus (which is great!). I wonder if most of the people were there for the same reason. Hillsong United really made the worship night all fired up within each and every person in the coliseum and the spirit soaring high . Even my friend, who's not really a fan, looked like she felt the spirit within her.
I wasn't all crazy at the beginning but when the band started playing 'Take It All', I lost all inhibitions and just sang and danced and clapped and jumped like it would be my last. It felt exhilarating and just great! I was so caught up in the music that I was almost near tears when they sang that song about healing (a song composed by Joel Houston's friend who was diagnosed with cansert and is continuously battling it)...
All in all, I wouldn't exchange that night for anything.... =)
Here are the list of songs (from what I can remember) that the band played:
Time Has Come
Take It all
What the world will never take
My Future Decided
All I Need is You
Mighty to save
Hosanna
Shout Unto God
The Stand
Break Free
Look To You
Salvation is Here
More than life
None But Jesus
From the Inside out
Came to my rescue
Savior King
Tell The world
One Way Jesus
Here are some pics (courtesy of Lisa's multiply page from Chin's cam)...
... and also here (taken using my KRZR cam phone)
I gushed non-stop about that surreal but very very nice close encounter with Jad Gillies of Hillsong United (still can't stop smiling just thinking about it!) but I haven't once mentioned (atleast in my blog) what Hillsong's concert brought in my spiritual being that night. No doubt about it, the concert was very uplifting and it was a real blessing. It was very overwhelming to see (probably) more than 20,000 people singing praises and worshiping God for two and a half hours!
I must admit, I didn't know anyone from Hillsong United before the concert but I know most (not all, okay?!) of their songs by heart. In a way, I could say that I was really there not to adore the band members but to praise and worship Jesus (which is great!). I wonder if most of the people were there for the same reason. Hillsong United really made the worship night all fired up within each and every person in the coliseum and the spirit soaring high . Even my friend, who's not really a fan, looked like she felt the spirit within her.
I wasn't all crazy at the beginning but when the band started playing 'Take It All', I lost all inhibitions and just sang and danced and clapped and jumped like it would be my last. It felt exhilarating and just great! I was so caught up in the music that I was almost near tears when they sang that song about healing (a song composed by Joel Houston's friend who was diagnosed with cansert and is continuously battling it)...
All in all, I wouldn't exchange that night for anything.... =)
Here are the list of songs (from what I can remember) that the band played:
Time Has Come
Take It all
What the world will never take
My Future Decided
All I Need is You
Mighty to save
Hosanna
Shout Unto God
The Stand
Break Free
Look To You
Salvation is Here
More than life
None But Jesus
From the Inside out
Came to my rescue
Savior King
Tell The world
One Way Jesus
Here are some pics (courtesy of Lisa's multiply page from Chin's cam)...
... and also here (taken using my KRZR cam phone)
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Retarded Luck!
Today is awesome! Really really awesome! And I thought last night's concert of Hillsong United would be the biggest highlight of my life (atleast this week!) Actually, it is... since I've booked our tickets a month ago and I was waiting for this concert like CRAZY! And finally, last night it happened... it was a very uplifting concert indeed...very nice.
But what could be better than this?!?
U-huh.. that's me with Hillsong United's Jad Gillies! It was really a simple case of retarded luck and me, being at the right place at the right time. Actually, there's a funny story behind this.
Me and my colleague went to Edsa Shang this afternoon to attend an exhibitor's meeting. On our way to the hotel, we saw this group loading some equipment in a coaster bus (at the side entrance) and I thought I saw Joel Houston (the band's frontman) but shrugged the idea since it seemed a little off (but hey, the concert was in Araneta so it's likely that they would stay in Shang or Crowne Plaza or some hotel nearby). So we went inside the hotel and there, at the lobby was a small crowd having photo ops with i-don't-know-who and when we got closer, I saw this guy... I knew I recognize his face and the guy with the curly hair (the drummer)... we were seated at the Upper Box last night so it was kind'a difficult to recognize their faces. Without even thinking, I marched off to this guy (who was Jad apparently) and asked if I could have a photo with him. I said thanks, shook his hand and said goodbye.
And all throughout the meeting, my mind was wandering off, thinking hard if it was really Hillsong that I just saw and met at Shang's lobby. Jazz, my officemate, said it's okay if it wasn't Hillsong, at least we know the guy is famous for sure (as there were a lot wanting to have their photos taken with him). Hehe.. Good Riddance.
The moment we got back from the meeting, I immediately checked the internet to familiarize myself with the Hillsong band members' faces and lo and behold, it was really him! (ahh, my heart is still pounding!) This was just great. Thank you God!
Insane right? v(^___^)v
But what could be better than this?!?
U-huh.. that's me with Hillsong United's Jad Gillies! It was really a simple case of retarded luck and me, being at the right place at the right time. Actually, there's a funny story behind this.
Me and my colleague went to Edsa Shang this afternoon to attend an exhibitor's meeting. On our way to the hotel, we saw this group loading some equipment in a coaster bus (at the side entrance) and I thought I saw Joel Houston (the band's frontman) but shrugged the idea since it seemed a little off (but hey, the concert was in Araneta so it's likely that they would stay in Shang or Crowne Plaza or some hotel nearby). So we went inside the hotel and there, at the lobby was a small crowd having photo ops with i-don't-know-who and when we got closer, I saw this guy... I knew I recognize his face and the guy with the curly hair (the drummer)... we were seated at the Upper Box last night so it was kind'a difficult to recognize their faces. Without even thinking, I marched off to this guy (who was Jad apparently) and asked if I could have a photo with him. I said thanks, shook his hand and said goodbye.
And all throughout the meeting, my mind was wandering off, thinking hard if it was really Hillsong that I just saw and met at Shang's lobby. Jazz, my officemate, said it's okay if it wasn't Hillsong, at least we know the guy is famous for sure (as there were a lot wanting to have their photos taken with him). Hehe.. Good Riddance.
The moment we got back from the meeting, I immediately checked the internet to familiarize myself with the Hillsong band members' faces and lo and behold, it was really him! (ahh, my heart is still pounding!) This was just great. Thank you God!
Insane right? v(^___^)v
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
This is why I love Me
... because I have these two... my 'unni' and 'oppa' ... 'coz I have them for a brother & a sister.
... two goofballs that I love so much!
... we fight like (how does kuya put it?) Trilla in Manila or sumthin' like that.. but we know we can not do away without each other.
... my unni's getting married in December. I am sooo going to miss her. =)
... two goofballs that I love so much!... we fight like (how does kuya put it?) Trilla in Manila or sumthin' like that.. but we know we can not do away without each other.
... my unni's getting married in December. I am sooo going to miss her. =)
Saturday, May 03, 2008
100 Days With Mr. Arrogant
This is one of my most favorite movies of all time - second, of course, to My Sassy Girl. Why I love it so much? Well, it has this 'will-make-you-laugh-first-before-making-you-cry' flavor into it which is what I like best in Korean movies. Plus, who else plays the lead guy role but my faffy Kim Jae Won, opposite cutesy Ha Ji Won.
The story line isn't the best but if you just want something that would induce a hearty laugh from you and will make you *sigh* (with your hands clasp together because of too much *kilig*), this will do...
I must've been feeling really 'bad' these past few days that I had to see it for the -nth time.
The story line isn't the best but if you just want something that would induce a hearty laugh from you and will make you *sigh* (with your hands clasp together because of too much *kilig*), this will do...
I must've been feeling really 'bad' these past few days that I had to see it for the -nth time.
Friday, April 25, 2008
A bluff.
Dear Friends,
This is my last day on earth. And I'll be saying goodbye with such sweetness that you wouldn't really forget me. My life has been meaningful and happy and rainbow-colored because you all have been there throughout - at my lowest and at my highest. And more than the company, the laughter and the memories, it is the meaning that you've drawn upon me that I will treasure the most.
Now I know why I liked looking at clouds so much, why I could stare for hours at these white fluffy 'things' without getting tired, without blinking my eyes, without failing to shed a tear. I knew I'd be here walking one day with such innocent grace. I'll be walking barefoot on my white and red polka-dot dress with the wind blowing on my face. With my hair and my dress swaying along the silent rhythm.
I'll be remembering you dear friends. I'll be watching you from where I'll be. I'll be speaking to you through the wind and I'll be singing you life's sweetest hymns. I'll be giving you back my love -so imperfect yet tangible.
I'll be that someone who'll be with you forever.
***
No, I am not yet going. I couldn't think of anything to write about so I thought it would be neat to write my would-be last unspoken words. A bit dramatic, don't you think?
This is my last day on earth. And I'll be saying goodbye with such sweetness that you wouldn't really forget me. My life has been meaningful and happy and rainbow-colored because you all have been there throughout - at my lowest and at my highest. And more than the company, the laughter and the memories, it is the meaning that you've drawn upon me that I will treasure the most.
Now I know why I liked looking at clouds so much, why I could stare for hours at these white fluffy 'things' without getting tired, without blinking my eyes, without failing to shed a tear. I knew I'd be here walking one day with such innocent grace. I'll be walking barefoot on my white and red polka-dot dress with the wind blowing on my face. With my hair and my dress swaying along the silent rhythm.
I'll be remembering you dear friends. I'll be watching you from where I'll be. I'll be speaking to you through the wind and I'll be singing you life's sweetest hymns. I'll be giving you back my love -so imperfect yet tangible.
I'll be that someone who'll be with you forever.
***
No, I am not yet going. I couldn't think of anything to write about so I thought it would be neat to write my would-be last unspoken words. A bit dramatic, don't you think?
Friday, April 11, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Of ministries, porcupines and sea urchins
In this world, there exist all kinds of people and we try very hard to find our place in it and find peace among ourselves. We strive hard to be happy; sometimes ignoring the fact that happiness isn't really achieved by merely addressing our whims or our wants or, even sometimes, our needs.
I have had that share of being at a total lost, succumbing to my pessimistic views and wanting to be just happy. I didn't even know what would make me one. My understanding was too shallow in fact that I was almost convinced that laughing my heart out, being in the company of my friends, having a decent job or having a peaceful home were all it meant to be happy. But as I grow deeper into my relationship with God, I knew in an instant that there is definitely more to it than just that.
I've seen many people act like they own the world or as if they are God's greatest gifts to mankind and only them can fulfill whatever lacks in this world. Hate to crash some egos but they think very wrong of themselves. There is only one provider and that is God. He 'manufactures' whatever we people need and we are tasked to distribute it to whoever needs it. This is where sharing the word of God comes in.
And sadly, this is where the porcupines and the sea urchins come out... the porcupines and the sea urchins among people... among US. When people need something, they tend to be embarrased when someone suddenly turns up and offers a helping hand to address their needs. Sometimes, I am a sea urchin wallowing in my own flood of needs and I tend to prick and deflate the life jacket that is being thrown at me for shame and for putting my pride down. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who feel the same way. I've seen and met them. I learned that instead of turning our backs on them and just heal whatever wounds they've caused us (because of their spikes), we should try to embrace them more. Not because love is blind but because love is the truth. We only found the truth in God's words and that is what He is telling us -- to love others as He loves us. And when we start making them believe, we should bring glory not upon ourselves but back unto God.
I have met a lot of porcupines and sea urchins in my life and boy, they never fail to bring me pain, to cut me deep, leaving me emotional wounds that take time to heal. I still am hurt and my heart is still screaming with hatred But I promise, I'll be working hard to get it off my system.
I have had that share of being at a total lost, succumbing to my pessimistic views and wanting to be just happy. I didn't even know what would make me one. My understanding was too shallow in fact that I was almost convinced that laughing my heart out, being in the company of my friends, having a decent job or having a peaceful home were all it meant to be happy. But as I grow deeper into my relationship with God, I knew in an instant that there is definitely more to it than just that.
Before I started attending Church again, I was worried about being bound by religious practices. By that I mean being compelled to go to Church every Sunday or doing this whole ministry thing and ‘saving’ other people. I had a very different understanding of what it means to be a Christian. It’s not that I got it all wrong; let’s just say that I do have a more profound understanding now of what being Christian is all about.
As much as I think that I am not prepared yet, I am looking forward to the day when I would start touching lives and taking part in ministries at the Church. I am taking it one giant step at a time. I learned four important points in today's church service: 1) that God is the provider / manufacturer and we, merely distributors (of His grace); 2) we should know what people need; 3) There isn't really such a thing as 'Love is blind' ; and 4) Give all the glory back unto God.I've seen many people act like they own the world or as if they are God's greatest gifts to mankind and only them can fulfill whatever lacks in this world. Hate to crash some egos but they think very wrong of themselves. There is only one provider and that is God. He 'manufactures' whatever we people need and we are tasked to distribute it to whoever needs it. This is where sharing the word of God comes in.
And sadly, this is where the porcupines and the sea urchins come out... the porcupines and the sea urchins among people... among US. When people need something, they tend to be embarrased when someone suddenly turns up and offers a helping hand to address their needs. Sometimes, I am a sea urchin wallowing in my own flood of needs and I tend to prick and deflate the life jacket that is being thrown at me for shame and for putting my pride down. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who feel the same way. I've seen and met them. I learned that instead of turning our backs on them and just heal whatever wounds they've caused us (because of their spikes), we should try to embrace them more. Not because love is blind but because love is the truth. We only found the truth in God's words and that is what He is telling us -- to love others as He loves us. And when we start making them believe, we should bring glory not upon ourselves but back unto God.
I have met a lot of porcupines and sea urchins in my life and boy, they never fail to bring me pain, to cut me deep, leaving me emotional wounds that take time to heal. I still am hurt and my heart is still screaming with hatred But I promise, I'll be working hard to get it off my system.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Night outs with the 'goofy bunch'
Last night was the fourth time this week that I didn't go home early and didn't eat dinner at home, much to my pop's dismay and the reason of our arguments (I always spend time elsewhere... I always go home late... I was always out... blah... blah... blah...) . I think I have to blame Kaching since she's the reason why we're getting together every other night ('coz she'll be going back to Singapore again soon)... Just kiddin'.
Last Monday, I met up with Tina at Coffee Bean to just talk and unwind. Tuesday was the first night that Kach was here so we spent some time at 'Fuzion' Greenbelt (really love hanging out at their bed-turned-couch) while I was enduring a very very bad headache. Wednesday night was my 'me' time so I got a full-body massage and just enjoyed a full night of relaxation. Met with my sister for dinner afterwards. And last night was another enjoyable and memorable night as I, once again, got those stomach cramps from too much laughing. The conversation was such a sitcom. Our favorite (and probably one of the most memorable) topic was the classic 'Where the hell is Cynthia Patag?' It all started one fine afternoon at work. We were listening to an oldies song from my playlist...
Me: Kaboses ni Cynthia Patag yung kumakanta...
(everyone ponders and laughs at the idea)
Wayne: Nasa'n na nga kaya ngayon si Cynthia Patag no?
Me: Malay... try mo i-email... cynthiapatag@palibhasalalake.com.ph baka sakaling sumagot...
(... then an outburst of laughter) What followed was an intense discussion on the suspected whereabouts of Cynthia Patag, the possibilities and the probabilities, the alleged existence of a 'palibhasalalake.com' website that could shed some light on the matter. Then came reminiscing how she looked like with the big stuffed toy and her irritatingly huge ribbon and short shorts and, of course, the nasal high-pitched voice! Nonsense as this may seem and no matter how deluded and stupid the topic is, this is where we laugh our hearts out.
These goofy people really make my day.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
The path I've taken...
*This was supposed to be posted last night.. but didn't finish it.
I received Jesus Christ as my savior today. For the first time in years, I could hear my heart speak truly of what I feel about my relationship with God. I have accepted Jesus Christ in my heart a long time ago but it was the first time that I had someone give me preachings about it. And it was really enlightening. I thought I wouldn't be affected by the testimonies I heard since I am very well aware of it already. But then, I felt this gentle yet moving tugging at my heart and I was overwhelmed by it.
It was my first time to attend a service in years. A colleague of mine (who has been patient and kind enough) invited me to their church and since I have been seeking for spiritual growth for a very long time, I decided to go. My heart was all for it - I really wanted to be reunited with my faith.
When people ask me what my religion is, I can't give a straight answer. I usually say that my family is Catholic and that my mom is a devoted servant of the Catholic church. And I, myself, used to be an active member of the Catholic Church until I was disheartened *big time* by the magnitude and gravity of hypocrisy I've witnessed. I didn't want to have anything to do with that particular church anymore. I stopped attending church. Don't get me wrong, that didn't mean I've turned my back from God. Ironically, this has strengthened my faith in Him even more and deepened my personal relationship with Him. I thought as long as I have given Him my heart and accepted Christ as my savior, I'll be fine. I love talking to God and I found I could talk to Him whenever, wherever I want to... in whatever situation I am in. It's like I've made prayer a habit that is too hard to break and I've no intention of doing so.
I learned today the three 'songs' that a person can choose from in taking his / her direction in life. The Song of the Hypocrite, the Song of the Happy and the Song of the Heavenward. As the speaker was rambling the things that make a person less of a hypocrite, I wonder if I was one. He said there are two kinds of hypocrites - the religious and the self-righteous. I thought I fell under the latter. Those were the people who don't go to church, who do good and moral things but don't have any "real" relationship with God. At the back of my mind, I was fully convinced that I do have a personal relationship with God and my faith is very much in-tact. Little did I know that there was this tiny little thing that is lacking - repentance. I believe I am a good person despite the fact that I don't go to church and I distant myself from anything that would make me look religious. I forgot that I am a sinner. Aren't we all are? And I haven't done anything about it. I acknowledge God but I refused to acknowledge my sins. So, it hit me hard; that probably, it's true... the relationship that I have with God is not as sturdy as I thought it was. I felt lost all of a sudden, but it didn't take long before I found my path. That path that led me straight to Him.
I received Jesus Christ as my savior today. For the first time in years, I could hear my heart speak truly of what I feel about my relationship with God. I have accepted Jesus Christ in my heart a long time ago but it was the first time that I had someone give me preachings about it. And it was really enlightening. I thought I wouldn't be affected by the testimonies I heard since I am very well aware of it already. But then, I felt this gentle yet moving tugging at my heart and I was overwhelmed by it.
It was my first time to attend a service in years. A colleague of mine (who has been patient and kind enough) invited me to their church and since I have been seeking for spiritual growth for a very long time, I decided to go. My heart was all for it - I really wanted to be reunited with my faith.
When people ask me what my religion is, I can't give a straight answer. I usually say that my family is Catholic and that my mom is a devoted servant of the Catholic church. And I, myself, used to be an active member of the Catholic Church until I was disheartened *big time* by the magnitude and gravity of hypocrisy I've witnessed. I didn't want to have anything to do with that particular church anymore. I stopped attending church. Don't get me wrong, that didn't mean I've turned my back from God. Ironically, this has strengthened my faith in Him even more and deepened my personal relationship with Him. I thought as long as I have given Him my heart and accepted Christ as my savior, I'll be fine. I love talking to God and I found I could talk to Him whenever, wherever I want to... in whatever situation I am in. It's like I've made prayer a habit that is too hard to break and I've no intention of doing so.
I learned today the three 'songs' that a person can choose from in taking his / her direction in life. The Song of the Hypocrite, the Song of the Happy and the Song of the Heavenward. As the speaker was rambling the things that make a person less of a hypocrite, I wonder if I was one. He said there are two kinds of hypocrites - the religious and the self-righteous. I thought I fell under the latter. Those were the people who don't go to church, who do good and moral things but don't have any "real" relationship with God. At the back of my mind, I was fully convinced that I do have a personal relationship with God and my faith is very much in-tact. Little did I know that there was this tiny little thing that is lacking - repentance. I believe I am a good person despite the fact that I don't go to church and I distant myself from anything that would make me look religious. I forgot that I am a sinner. Aren't we all are? And I haven't done anything about it. I acknowledge God but I refused to acknowledge my sins. So, it hit me hard; that probably, it's true... the relationship that I have with God is not as sturdy as I thought it was. I felt lost all of a sudden, but it didn't take long before I found my path. That path that led me straight to Him.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Cat Talk
I can't believe that it's been more than a month since I last wrote here. I guess I was too pre-occupied with keeping myself busy and meaning to be really busy that I refused to visit my blogger until I saw a spider crawling out of the 'web' already. Funny pun, don't ya think?
It's quite unusual that I choose to write tonight, at exactly 11:30pm on the eve of Maundy Thursday about something that has not anything to do with Lent. Some people would probably think I should be writing about reflecting on my sins and all those activities that we do during this time of the year, but I think it's just not me. I have a very high respect on the Holy Week considering that I grew up with a family that so strictly observes it, with such passion and tradition. I could probably say I am not really a fan despite the fact that there's a guilty tugging on my conscience about it. Here I am, typing on my laptop, while everybody else out there are singing the 'Pasyon'. I may not be really religious but I do believe in Christ's sacrifices...
Okay, going to the true idea of this blog... I put 'Cat talk' in the title 'coz I wanted to talk about my cat Miyo and how we are quite worried about him having rabies. About two Saturdays ago, he bit me and my sister while we were giving him a bath. I know what you are thinking right now: why the hell did i gave a cat a bath? (Here in the Philippines, it is a stupid superstition - cat's are not supposed to be given baths since they could lick themselves). I just don't believe in that thing. Again, I would revert to my same and only argument - if cats aren't supposed to have baths, why did they ever invented, cat shampoos and cat soaps and all those 'cattoiletries' eh?
Anyway, Miyo is acting quite different. I wouldn't day strange or weird; just different. He's not his usual annoyingly super hyper self. He's always sleeping and he's drooling at times. But the thing is he still eats like a dog and he drinks water. He still plays but not as enthusiastic as he does before. He's just probably growing up, some people here say but I can't still help but to get worried.
Now, if you're gonna ask, if we are taking anti-rabies shots, the answer is a painful yes! We've had two already plus an anti-tetanus vaccine. We missed the third one because of the holiday, but we're definitely getting it as soon as things get back on schedule. This is quite scary if you'll ask me but whatelse can I do, right?
It's quite unusual that I choose to write tonight, at exactly 11:30pm on the eve of Maundy Thursday about something that has not anything to do with Lent. Some people would probably think I should be writing about reflecting on my sins and all those activities that we do during this time of the year, but I think it's just not me. I have a very high respect on the Holy Week considering that I grew up with a family that so strictly observes it, with such passion and tradition. I could probably say I am not really a fan despite the fact that there's a guilty tugging on my conscience about it. Here I am, typing on my laptop, while everybody else out there are singing the 'Pasyon'. I may not be really religious but I do believe in Christ's sacrifices...
Okay, going to the true idea of this blog... I put 'Cat talk' in the title 'coz I wanted to talk about my cat Miyo and how we are quite worried about him having rabies. About two Saturdays ago, he bit me and my sister while we were giving him a bath. I know what you are thinking right now: why the hell did i gave a cat a bath? (Here in the Philippines, it is a stupid superstition - cat's are not supposed to be given baths since they could lick themselves). I just don't believe in that thing. Again, I would revert to my same and only argument - if cats aren't supposed to have baths, why did they ever invented, cat shampoos and cat soaps and all those 'cattoiletries' eh?
Anyway, Miyo is acting quite different. I wouldn't day strange or weird; just different. He's not his usual annoyingly super hyper self. He's always sleeping and he's drooling at times. But the thing is he still eats like a dog and he drinks water. He still plays but not as enthusiastic as he does before. He's just probably growing up, some people here say but I can't still help but to get worried.
Now, if you're gonna ask, if we are taking anti-rabies shots, the answer is a painful yes! We've had two already plus an anti-tetanus vaccine. We missed the third one because of the holiday, but we're definitely getting it as soon as things get back on schedule. This is quite scary if you'll ask me but whatelse can I do, right?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Crazy love shite
I miss someone today.
Hay nako, feeling ko magda-drama na naman ako. I said I wouldn't be affected by the slightest thought of him. But because of this super jologs song, I felt that familiar heart-being-crushed cold feeling once again. Nakakatawa naman, affected ako dahil sa kanta ni Kim Chiu... ibang lebel ito.. haha!
Probably it's because it's the hearts month (obvious ba, I'm justifying my 'kagagahan') hayayay... again... I'm over it... I'm over it... I'm over it... *repeat until I'm dead*
Okay, para maka-relate kayo...
I hate the way you walk Hate the way you talk Hate the way you look at me I hate the way you smile Hate those *big* brown eyes (erm, they're really not big...hehe) Cause I know they're not for me Cause we can never be More than friends And it hurts me Every time I close my eyes All I see is you
And this crazy love Crazy love Oh this crazy love Crazy love I hate thinkin of you Cause everytime i do I just keep on missing you And I hate the way I feel Everytime you're near Cause its feels like time is standing still But we can never be More than friends And it hurts me Every time I close my eyes All I see is you And this crazy love Crazy love Oh this crazy love Crazy love I hate it when you're blue And how I cared for you Hate the way my heart desires And I hate those sleepless nights And the pain I kept inside But I keep on Pretending it's alright But we can never be More than friends And it hurts me Everytime i close my eyes All I see is you
And this crazy love Crazy love Oh this crazy love Crazy love
I don't know what to do Hate me for loving you Cause I know it's wrong for Me to say... I love you...
Whatever happened to the "I'm so proud of myself because I made it!" huh? I know some people would think I am being really pathetic (ang tagal na!) but guess what... probably I am not talking about him anymore... oh, well...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I'm happy.
I'm standing between this world and a dream...
but i know... this is the REAL thing...
This song keeps singing in my head lah...
Anyway, after a very enjoyable field day yesterday, I'm back to the pits of hell (ooppss...) I didn't report to work to go to my doctor (but I wasn't able to). I was somewhere far down South meeting other people and exploring a whole lot of different world - the world of drawings and designs, architecture and engineering and CAD... huh??? I was doing a part-time technical writing stuff so I had to come down to their office to meet the people whom I'll be working with. I met this guy, probably in his40s who reminds me of the pretty dude... it felt... weird. I guess I am really past that stage where the world turns upside down when I'm reminded of that person. Ooh... does this mean I am way over him? haha.. I'd like to think so.
Working yesterday on something that isn't related to what I really do (and outside of that place called the "office") is somewhat fascinating. I was enthusiastic and overwhelmed at the same time. I felt like a kid who's attending her first day in school. It was very exciting. I haven't had that feeling in the last two years. You probably know why.
I can't thank God enough that He's finally revealing life's little surprises to me. One by one... little by little. And it makes me happy... genuinely happy.
I was torn if I'd skip work again today (that was the original plan) to report to the other office. But then again, there was a strong tugging at my conscience, not to mention, I was suppose to have a meeting with my boss, so I decided to go to work. To my dismay, however, the meeting was canceled and I was bombarded with a lot of magazine-related stuff to do. Oh, well, I guess that's really how it works.
For now, I have stuff to keep myself busy
but i know... this is the REAL thing...
This song keeps singing in my head lah...
Anyway, after a very enjoyable field day yesterday, I'm back to the pits of hell (ooppss...) I didn't report to work to go to my doctor (but I wasn't able to). I was somewhere far down South meeting other people and exploring a whole lot of different world - the world of drawings and designs, architecture and engineering and CAD... huh??? I was doing a part-time technical writing stuff so I had to come down to their office to meet the people whom I'll be working with. I met this guy, probably in his40s who reminds me of the pretty dude... it felt... weird. I guess I am really past that stage where the world turns upside down when I'm reminded of that person. Ooh... does this mean I am way over him? haha.. I'd like to think so.
Working yesterday on something that isn't related to what I really do (and outside of that place called the "office") is somewhat fascinating. I was enthusiastic and overwhelmed at the same time. I felt like a kid who's attending her first day in school. It was very exciting. I haven't had that feeling in the last two years. You probably know why.
I can't thank God enough that He's finally revealing life's little surprises to me. One by one... little by little. And it makes me happy... genuinely happy.
I was torn if I'd skip work again today (that was the original plan) to report to the other office. But then again, there was a strong tugging at my conscience, not to mention, I was suppose to have a meeting with my boss, so I decided to go to work. To my dismay, however, the meeting was canceled and I was bombarded with a lot of magazine-related stuff to do. Oh, well, I guess that's really how it works.
For now, I have stuff to keep myself busy
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Going once, going twice...
one more gone, one to go and still, i stay...
yesterday, another one 'celebrated' her last day at work and come next week, another one would leave the company with that genuine smile on her face. I am really happy for them. I guess, I'll just miss the company. Just when we are getting to know each other, they leave. Sad, isn't it?
Last Thursday, I finally told my boss that I have offers for another job. Man, I don't know if it's just me or did I really saw his 'coolness' died down a little? I hate to brag, but I feel he was a little shaken by my news. He suddenly offered me increased salary, was nice all of a sudden and promised a lot of things. Had I've been a newbie, I'd be elated by these promises, but nuh-ah... been there, saw that, been disappointed a lot of times by that. So, I am still considering the other offer. Although I suddenly had a slight
tugging in my conscience about the 'baby' I am leaving behind (in case you are thinking I am referring to a person, I am most certainly not)... I guess I have to stop being so nice about that if I want to move on. They would have to get someone to replace me and continue that magazine venture 'coz I think it would be a big waste. I really hate it when he said that he would fold it up once I'm gone. Don't you think it is stupid? If I was able to do it, I'm sure there is someone out there who can do what I did for this magazine. Or he's just probably bluffing. To be honest, I almost care less.I am still thinking of leaving. When? That I have to figure.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Uh-oh!
Uh-oh.. oh no... I think I got the bug once again... this pesky, silly, mixed feeling of getting excited, getting undeniably happy, then getting sad, then thinking about how pointless and hopeless it is... hay... I'm sure you people wouldn't understand me. And I don't really want to be understood. I just need to let this all out.
Blame the month of February? Okay, now I think you got me.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
What is it with this whole 'can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence-world-series' kind of crap? It got me thinking about real life fairytales and knights in rusty armors sweeping their ladies off their calloused feet. So sweet and so real. They are happening to everybody BUT me.
I think I'm having an overdose of [korean] soap operas because it makes me believe that when it comes to that four letter word, everything is possible - An extremely good-looking, smart young executive in his late 20s would fall in-love with a random stranger on the street. Mind you, this girl must be poorer than a farm rat! (I met this very handsome, Seth Green look-a-like executive in a recent press conference I attended... hoping... hoping...) Or the one who got away - your oppa when you were barely a teen, comes back all of a sudden and paints a picture perfect life with you. The last one's impossible for me 'coz I don't have a childhood oppa.
Anyway, I close my eyes and I see his smile ... darn!
Blame the month of February? Okay, now I think you got me.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
What is it with this whole 'can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence-world-series' kind of crap? It got me thinking about real life fairytales and knights in rusty armors sweeping their ladies off their calloused feet. So sweet and so real. They are happening to everybody BUT me.
I think I'm having an overdose of [korean] soap operas because it makes me believe that when it comes to that four letter word, everything is possible - An extremely good-looking, smart young executive in his late 20s would fall in-love with a random stranger on the street. Mind you, this girl must be poorer than a farm rat! (I met this very handsome, Seth Green look-a-like executive in a recent press conference I attended... hoping... hoping...) Or the one who got away - your oppa when you were barely a teen, comes back all of a sudden and paints a picture perfect life with you. The last one's impossible for me 'coz I don't have a childhood oppa.
Anyway, I close my eyes and I see his smile ... darn!
Monday, January 28, 2008
In sickness and in health
No, I am not going to blab about weddings and all those 'I do' crappy stuff... I am far from having one anyway. I am going to talk about my mom. I am feeling extra cheesy and mushy today that I want to reflect on my current relationship with her.
As everybody knows, (or at least those who were 'lucky' enough to hear my everyday rantings), I have quite a typical mother-daughter relationship with my mom; that love-hate thing can be very usual... so usual in fact that it pretty much defines all.
I didn't go to work today because I had to go and see a doctor for my check up (for the -nth time) for my skin condition. I was supposed to undergo a biopsy but the dermatologist suggested otherwise since the progress of whatever this irritating rashes are weren't that drastic. Cool.
So, who else can go with me but my mom. She had to call in sick just to be able to accompany me and since I am pathetically broke these past few weeks, she had to pay for my check-up and medicines as well. I've spent a lot (my saving's near to extinction) for my weekly check-ups and all those medicines that I had to take. I never imagined I would splurge so much on something which I don't really like, but I need. Sucks, really especially when you want to buy something but you cannot because you have to save the money for emergencies like this.
Anyway, while I was walking hand-in-hand with mom on our way to the drugstore after my check-up, I realized that I haven't really spent long hours alone with mama in a long time. I can't remember when was the last time we went out for a walk or grocery shopping or whatever. Maybe it's because I think (and my sister would agree with me on this), it's hard to be around mom. We don't know why but we often say how we can never be in the same room with her for a minute without ending up arguing. It seems that we cannot agree on something anymore. This afternoon, while spending time with her, I realized how much I miss her. Or how I don't feel ashame, sleeping and leaning on her shoulders while in a jeepney. I used to do that a lot before; I can't remember when did I stop or why. It was a little saddening realization.
I just thought that no matter how far we go in life, there is this innate feeling of wanting to go back to where we came from or be near at least. In my case, just like a sick little child, I still call my mama's name to feel better.
As everybody knows, (or at least those who were 'lucky' enough to hear my everyday rantings), I have quite a typical mother-daughter relationship with my mom; that love-hate thing can be very usual... so usual in fact that it pretty much defines all.
I didn't go to work today because I had to go and see a doctor for my check up (for the -nth time) for my skin condition. I was supposed to undergo a biopsy but the dermatologist suggested otherwise since the progress of whatever this irritating rashes are weren't that drastic. Cool.
So, who else can go with me but my mom. She had to call in sick just to be able to accompany me and since I am pathetically broke these past few weeks, she had to pay for my check-up and medicines as well. I've spent a lot (my saving's near to extinction) for my weekly check-ups and all those medicines that I had to take. I never imagined I would splurge so much on something which I don't really like, but I need. Sucks, really especially when you want to buy something but you cannot because you have to save the money for emergencies like this.
Anyway, while I was walking hand-in-hand with mom on our way to the drugstore after my check-up, I realized that I haven't really spent long hours alone with mama in a long time. I can't remember when was the last time we went out for a walk or grocery shopping or whatever. Maybe it's because I think (and my sister would agree with me on this), it's hard to be around mom. We don't know why but we often say how we can never be in the same room with her for a minute without ending up arguing. It seems that we cannot agree on something anymore. This afternoon, while spending time with her, I realized how much I miss her. Or how I don't feel ashame, sleeping and leaning on her shoulders while in a jeepney. I used to do that a lot before; I can't remember when did I stop or why. It was a little saddening realization.
I just thought that no matter how far we go in life, there is this innate feeling of wanting to go back to where we came from or be near at least. In my case, just like a sick little child, I still call my mama's name to feel better.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Good morning God!
Hello God! Good Monday morning! =) I pray this will be a good day for me, or week, even. I hope I'd finish all my pending tasks and that I would be up to my responsibilities. I hope I'd never frown or feel those numbing tugging feeling at the strings of my heart... I pray I'd be smiling always and share the happiness that would be within me.
I pray for the people around me... that they would be up to the challenges that this day and the days ahead would be bringing. I hope to see smiling faces, some gentle nod of approval and hear their laughing hearts.
I pray that I wouldn't be angry and would not succumb to that hatred that swallows me whole whenever I see those people who have aggravated me or hurt me in one way or another. I pray that this hatred would just go away.
I pray for those who are hurting... that the wounds in their hearts would heal. I pray for the recovery of their faith and the will to live life for its beauty.
Thank you God and I love you! Amen.
I pray for the people around me... that they would be up to the challenges that this day and the days ahead would be bringing. I hope to see smiling faces, some gentle nod of approval and hear their laughing hearts.
I pray that I wouldn't be angry and would not succumb to that hatred that swallows me whole whenever I see those people who have aggravated me or hurt me in one way or another. I pray that this hatred would just go away.
I pray for those who are hurting... that the wounds in their hearts would heal. I pray for the recovery of their faith and the will to live life for its beauty.
Thank you God and I love you! Amen.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Singapore dream...or anywhere but here
My back is aching and my arse is numb. I've been infront of my computer for hours, searching the net for job openings abroad - particularly in Singapore. I don't really know what came to me but when I opened my yahoo mail and saw occasional job postings for Singapore, I thought "What the heck, it wouldn't hurt to try." And so, here I am trying my luck =)
I remember telling myself that I would only leave my current job for a job overseas - preferably in Singapore or anywhere in Asia. I wouldn't want to go too far yet but hey, anywhere but here will do. I am probably so desperate and my feet are itching too much to get away. I always wonder how an independent life (as a grown-up this time) would be. My independence during my college years was completely different 'coz I had to live by my parents' money and generosity and not my own.
I always dream of having my own place somewhere abroad, living a simple yet pro-active life. I will be going grocery shopping on weekends, eat at diners (alone most of the time), go home and watch whatever's on the tube, indulge in my favorite books and movies, volunteer at corporate socio-civic works, travel at nearby countries once in a while and enjoy the company of some new found friends. Me, myself and I on a foreign land... sounds really exciting.
Why Singapore? I just fell in love with the place the first time I saw it last year. The people, the places, the way of life. Compared with other Asian countries I've been to, I love it the most. I admire how people are well disciplined and respectful of the government. Although I sometimes fear how people's seriousness might be contagious. We all need to smile and laugh at our foolishness sometimes.
I remember telling myself that I would only leave my current job for a job overseas - preferably in Singapore or anywhere in Asia. I wouldn't want to go too far yet but hey, anywhere but here will do. I am probably so desperate and my feet are itching too much to get away. I always wonder how an independent life (as a grown-up this time) would be. My independence during my college years was completely different 'coz I had to live by my parents' money and generosity and not my own.
I always dream of having my own place somewhere abroad, living a simple yet pro-active life. I will be going grocery shopping on weekends, eat at diners (alone most of the time), go home and watch whatever's on the tube, indulge in my favorite books and movies, volunteer at corporate socio-civic works, travel at nearby countries once in a while and enjoy the company of some new found friends. Me, myself and I on a foreign land... sounds really exciting.
Why Singapore? I just fell in love with the place the first time I saw it last year. The people, the places, the way of life. Compared with other Asian countries I've been to, I love it the most. I admire how people are well disciplined and respectful of the government. Although I sometimes fear how people's seriousness might be contagious. We all need to smile and laugh at our foolishness sometimes.
Friday, January 18, 2008
dementing dementor
My boss is like a dementor - he sucks all the energy and happiness out of people. I just came back from a 15-minute-but-seemed-like-hours talk with him and as usual, I'm nearly lifeless when I got out of his room. Dang! Whoever invented that 'grin & bear' stuff...
For days now, I've been really contemplating on whether all these bullsh*t is still worth it. (If you'd browse through my previous entries, you'll find this dilemma over and over and over). For months, I've been waiting for something to come my way and if the opportunity is as promising as Ikuta Toma's near debut in the Japanese Entertainment industry, I would hold on to it with what's left of my dear life. I don't really know if my reasons for staying are still valid to the eyes and the ears of those who have been emancipated from the 'dark lord' (literally and figuratively speaking!) I trust what my friends (from here at work) think about this whole thing and they are saying the same thing- it is NOT worth it.
So why am I still here, pathetically complaining through my keyboards? It would probably take heaven and hell to explain myself but just to make things simple -- it is because I am a kind-hearted, considerate, professional and practical person. Nah... let's do away with the negative words for once. hehe. Weird but it makes me feel guilty (I don't event know if it's the proper word to use 'coz I don't have to feel guilty about anything) when I think about leaving the magazine behind. It's like leaving your baby behind - after all the sweat and tears and sacrifices, I'm worried it will all come down to nothing. Not really saying I'm the only one who could make this work (or I'm irreplaceable) but I have no idea what will happen once I'm hands off the job already.
For days now, I've been really contemplating on whether all these bullsh*t is still worth it. (If you'd browse through my previous entries, you'll find this dilemma over and over and over). For months, I've been waiting for something to come my way and if the opportunity is as promising as Ikuta Toma's near debut in the Japanese Entertainment industry, I would hold on to it with what's left of my dear life. I don't really know if my reasons for staying are still valid to the eyes and the ears of those who have been emancipated from the 'dark lord' (literally and figuratively speaking!) I trust what my friends (from here at work) think about this whole thing and they are saying the same thing- it is NOT worth it.
So why am I still here, pathetically complaining through my keyboards? It would probably take heaven and hell to explain myself but just to make things simple -- it is because I am a kind-hearted, considerate, professional and practical person. Nah... let's do away with the negative words for once. hehe. Weird but it makes me feel guilty (I don't event know if it's the proper word to use 'coz I don't have to feel guilty about anything) when I think about leaving the magazine behind. It's like leaving your baby behind - after all the sweat and tears and sacrifices, I'm worried it will all come down to nothing. Not really saying I'm the only one who could make this work (or I'm irreplaceable) but I have no idea what will happen once I'm hands off the job already.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
My current obssession
Why wouldn't this face be? *Thet swoons and drops (drooling) on the ground*
Whhaaat?!? Classic case of 'anino pa lang, ulam na'...
Folks, ladies and those who want to be one, meet Daniel Henney...
Whhaaat?!? Classic case of 'anino pa lang, ulam na'...
Folks, ladies and those who want to be one, meet Daniel Henney...
Monday, January 07, 2008
1st post this new year.
This post is long overdue... haay. I've been meaning to write something here since Christmas.... then New Year... then back to work... But laziness got me and yea, then again, I think there isn't anything really special to keep my batteries fully re-charged and overly excited to update this blog. But now I'm doing it (I swear, I can't keep my mind-mouth shut!)
Anyway... Christmas was special as always...although I did nothing really special. It was a time for me to reflect and think things over and what I've become since last year. Weird thing is, I really don't remember what happened or who I was last year. Probably there isn't much difference. So I spent Christmas and New Year at home with my dear family. I had a good rest during the vacation.. got plenty of hours to sleep... was able to (finally!) clean all the mess I've accumulated in 2007 (literally and figuratively speaking!). And now, all I should worry about is what to expect in the days ahead.
In terms of work... I don't know if it's proper to say this but it's like I don't have any choice. I am already having doubts if I still really do love this work but one thing's for sure... I wouldn't leave things hanging. In short, I'm going to finish all my projects before I transfer (if ever there would be a chance... actually, there is an offer but I'm still weighing things...)
My spiritual self... my faith is whole and intact and I would never leave room for anything that would make me go the other way. I am still a self-confessed (whatever you call that person who feels like he doesn't really belong to any religious group but still believes in the supreme power). And honestly, I don't want to be hanging anymore, I hope I'd find my 'home' soon.
My health.... it's slowly deteriorating. 2007 was a very sickly year for me. I lost a lot of weight (not only because of my darn braces but because I was sick most of the time). Stress and tension ate me whole. Now, I have these tiny little rashes which was recently diagnosed as 'pytiriasis lichenoides' - of unknown cause (stress & tension triggers them though) and very very itchy.. ayyyssshhh... what's happening to me?!?!
Love-related angst. What?!? hehe... nevermind. I am still convinced I have successfully outwitted that four-letter - harsh, painful, sickening - thing. I was able to control my emotions and let go of the past and probably look back and just shake my head of such absurdity. Now I can really smile. =)
Whatever, Thet. Happy New Year to me and to all..
xoxo
Peace!
Anyway... Christmas was special as always...although I did nothing really special. It was a time for me to reflect and think things over and what I've become since last year. Weird thing is, I really don't remember what happened or who I was last year. Probably there isn't much difference. So I spent Christmas and New Year at home with my dear family. I had a good rest during the vacation.. got plenty of hours to sleep... was able to (finally!) clean all the mess I've accumulated in 2007 (literally and figuratively speaking!). And now, all I should worry about is what to expect in the days ahead.
In terms of work... I don't know if it's proper to say this but it's like I don't have any choice. I am already having doubts if I still really do love this work but one thing's for sure... I wouldn't leave things hanging. In short, I'm going to finish all my projects before I transfer (if ever there would be a chance... actually, there is an offer but I'm still weighing things...)
My spiritual self... my faith is whole and intact and I would never leave room for anything that would make me go the other way. I am still a self-confessed (whatever you call that person who feels like he doesn't really belong to any religious group but still believes in the supreme power). And honestly, I don't want to be hanging anymore, I hope I'd find my 'home' soon.
My health.... it's slowly deteriorating. 2007 was a very sickly year for me. I lost a lot of weight (not only because of my darn braces but because I was sick most of the time). Stress and tension ate me whole. Now, I have these tiny little rashes which was recently diagnosed as 'pytiriasis lichenoides' - of unknown cause (stress & tension triggers them though) and very very itchy.. ayyyssshhh... what's happening to me?!?!
Love-related angst. What?!? hehe... nevermind. I am still convinced I have successfully outwitted that four-letter - harsh, painful, sickening - thing. I was able to control my emotions and let go of the past and probably look back and just shake my head of such absurdity. Now I can really smile. =)
Whatever, Thet. Happy New Year to me and to all..
xoxo
Peace!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Fights.
I just had a fight with my mom about an hour ago. And after all the screaming and hurtful exchange of words, I feel bad and guilty and sorry. The reason was very petty and a little bit funny actually ( And I wouldn't dare elaborate) and we ended up hurting each others' feelings. I bet there wouldn't be any talking between us for the next couple of days. Unless of course I lower my pride and apologize to her... which I will... tomorrow when everything has cooled down.
The problem with mom... no matter how she shows and tells us how much she loves us, everything seems to be forgotten the moment she opens her mouth when she's angry. She curses, she calls us useless ingratas, she wants us out of her house and it almost sounds like we're the worst thing that ever happened to her. I know she doesn't really mean those and it's just a sudden burst of temper that brought it out but still, her words cut deep.
The problem with me... I couldn't hold myself back for just one second. I talk back. And I talk back with such cruelty that I regret everything that I say the moment they come out of my mouth. I am such an insolent brat or at least I tend to be in this kind of situation. Probably it's because I want to hurt my mom the way she hurts me. It's a battle of words and carelessness - we forget that we are a mother and a daughter who loves each other dearly.
Speaking of fights. I had a fight too with my pop last week but we're okay now. At least that's what I know considering that he's talking to me again and he asked me to eat the dinner he cooked yesterday. That's the thing with papa... when he knows that he started the fight and that he really did offend me, he wouldn't really cling to his pride; he'd make a small gesture to show that he's not mad anymore. Mom's also like that but she tends to be more dramatic.
***
Chinchin and I almost had a misunderstanding too yesterday. I was in a really bad mood that I thought I kind of lashed it out on her (and to all other people who were within my 2-ft radius). I just wanted to be invisible that I didn't want to talk, eat, move, look at other people or even hear them talk. I was in a very b*tch* mood that it was a little bit over the edge. It was really a bad timing and a lack of comprehension that Chin got a little pissed of. It was a good thing though that I explained myself to her immediately before the situation got ugly and the next thing I know, we were laughing our asses of at Cafe Breton in Greenbelt after our meeting with an advertiser. Glad to talk than to shut up, if it would mean getting things resolved.
The problem with mom... no matter how she shows and tells us how much she loves us, everything seems to be forgotten the moment she opens her mouth when she's angry. She curses, she calls us useless ingratas, she wants us out of her house and it almost sounds like we're the worst thing that ever happened to her. I know she doesn't really mean those and it's just a sudden burst of temper that brought it out but still, her words cut deep.
The problem with me... I couldn't hold myself back for just one second. I talk back. And I talk back with such cruelty that I regret everything that I say the moment they come out of my mouth. I am such an insolent brat or at least I tend to be in this kind of situation. Probably it's because I want to hurt my mom the way she hurts me. It's a battle of words and carelessness - we forget that we are a mother and a daughter who loves each other dearly.
Speaking of fights. I had a fight too with my pop last week but we're okay now. At least that's what I know considering that he's talking to me again and he asked me to eat the dinner he cooked yesterday. That's the thing with papa... when he knows that he started the fight and that he really did offend me, he wouldn't really cling to his pride; he'd make a small gesture to show that he's not mad anymore. Mom's also like that but she tends to be more dramatic.
***
Chinchin and I almost had a misunderstanding too yesterday. I was in a really bad mood that I thought I kind of lashed it out on her (and to all other people who were within my 2-ft radius). I just wanted to be invisible that I didn't want to talk, eat, move, look at other people or even hear them talk. I was in a very b*tch* mood that it was a little bit over the edge. It was really a bad timing and a lack of comprehension that Chin got a little pissed of. It was a good thing though that I explained myself to her immediately before the situation got ugly and the next thing I know, we were laughing our asses of at Cafe Breton in Greenbelt after our meeting with an advertiser. Glad to talk than to shut up, if it would mean getting things resolved.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Tearjerker video
I saw this video again and I can't help but be a little sad =(
It made me think how in a matter of months, weeks even, I'll be left behind in the office - the most depressing place for me these days. My friends there will soon be leaving for better opportunities and I have never been happier for them but I can't help to think what will become of me when they leave. I'll probably be one of those loner workaholic loonies who doesn't have a social life... waahh... nooooo! hehe.
On a serious note, I will seriously miss these people. But I know that no matter what happens, these people will always be there for me - ready to cry for my pain and laugh with me like life is nothing but one big party. Come to think of it, most of our friends were already elsewhere but it seems like they never left... thank God for emails and cellphones and YM and MSN messengers.
I just feel a little sentimental when I think about those times when I didn't seem to feel pain because in our world, laughter cures everything. It's funny, the irony of it all... work brought us together and it is also the very reason why we had to go different ways. If there's one thing I'd thank ECCI for, it's bringing you guys to me.
It made me think how in a matter of months, weeks even, I'll be left behind in the office - the most depressing place for me these days. My friends there will soon be leaving for better opportunities and I have never been happier for them but I can't help to think what will become of me when they leave. I'll probably be one of those loner workaholic loonies who doesn't have a social life... waahh... nooooo! hehe.
On a serious note, I will seriously miss these people. But I know that no matter what happens, these people will always be there for me - ready to cry for my pain and laugh with me like life is nothing but one big party. Come to think of it, most of our friends were already elsewhere but it seems like they never left... thank God for emails and cellphones and YM and MSN messengers.
I just feel a little sentimental when I think about those times when I didn't seem to feel pain because in our world, laughter cures everything. It's funny, the irony of it all... work brought us together and it is also the very reason why we had to go different ways. If there's one thing I'd thank ECCI for, it's bringing you guys to me.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Fruit of boredom
I'm so luvin' this pic... hehe... Boredom kicked in while I was writing a very boring article about some HROD sh*t... so I played with Photoshop and voila...
I am getting stick thin these days... sh*t.
I am getting stick thin these days... sh*t.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
My sadness
I am trying to be happy but I'm sad. Have you ever felt crying and not wanting to stop? Geez, why do I feel so sad? I wanted to be happy but every time I try to look the other way, something happens and it makes me feel so frustrated and sad and I just want to mope and not talk to anybody.
I can't even remember the last time I laughed with my heart laughing along with me. I tried shunning away the black clouds, but still, they are here. Why am I so sad? This makes me feel so hopeless, useless, unwanted, uncared for... I am probably extremely sensitive that I can die
with mere words.
I feel pain now - I can literally feel my heart being ripped.
I can't even remember the last time I laughed with my heart laughing along with me. I tried shunning away the black clouds, but still, they are here. Why am I so sad? This makes me feel so hopeless, useless, unwanted, uncared for... I am probably extremely sensitive that I can die
with mere words.
I feel pain now - I can literally feel my heart being ripped.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Back to the Real World
And so... the vacation was over.
Chinchin and I went to Hong Kong last weekend. It was a very short, yet sweet and nice getaway from my troubles back here at 'home'. It was my first time to make a decision on something huge (at least for me) like that. Thing is she needs to go there to babysit and do some errands for her business, and since she knows how 'kaladkarin' I am and how I've been going crazy and needed a break, she took me with her. Well, I had to splurge on it but it was actually worth it and it wasn't really that costly. Kasama ko kaya ang 'Bangko Sentral ng Tsina'... hehe... Peace Chinchin! I was actually supposed to work there but I didn't... =)
We left Saturday afternoon and arrived in HK around 7pm. There wasn't anything much to do that time so we just stayed 'home' at her cousin's flat. The place (Ma On Shan) was quite far - about an hour from Central HK. It was in Kowloon side. Chin's got three cutesy nephews which we had to babysit. The next day, we got to see Acha, Chin's friend since highschool. It was really nice to see the two of them reunite since Acha's already based in HK for good. We went to The Peak - the coldest place I've ever been to apart from Baguio and Genting in Malaysia. We took the 30-minute train ride to Shenzen and I was given a five-day visa upon arrival at the station... so yes, I could say I've already been to Mainland China... ahaha (for two freaking hours only as we needed to be back in HK by 7pm).
I don't know what is it with me when I travel but I always get sick. I puked all over HK on our last day. I got this terrible headache where it felt like I have about a dozen bricks on top of my head. The feeling was really awful that I vomit every chance that I got. I didn't get to eat and boy, I hate the smell of noodles (most of what I ate and barfed out of my system). To top it all, our flight was delayed (Thanks to Cebu Pacific) by four hours from 10pm to 2am. To make it up with the irritated passengers, the airline officers gave us meal vouchers. Nice. Too bad, I can't really eat yet. But the food was nice so I tried. Then, we just hung out and did all possible means to amuse ourselves - including fafa hunting but to no avail. =) It's really alarming how the "fishes in the ocean" are becoming scarce these days - kung hindi bakla, taken... sheez! Arrived in Manila past 4am and reached home 30 minutes later.
And, I'm back to reality.
Chinchin and I went to Hong Kong last weekend. It was a very short, yet sweet and nice getaway from my troubles back here at 'home'. It was my first time to make a decision on something huge (at least for me) like that. Thing is she needs to go there to babysit and do some errands for her business, and since she knows how 'kaladkarin' I am and how I've been going crazy and needed a break, she took me with her. Well, I had to splurge on it but it was actually worth it and it wasn't really that costly. Kasama ko kaya ang 'Bangko Sentral ng Tsina'... hehe... Peace Chinchin! I was actually supposed to work there but I didn't... =)
We left Saturday afternoon and arrived in HK around 7pm. There wasn't anything much to do that time so we just stayed 'home' at her cousin's flat. The place (Ma On Shan) was quite far - about an hour from Central HK. It was in Kowloon side. Chin's got three cutesy nephews which we had to babysit. The next day, we got to see Acha, Chin's friend since highschool. It was really nice to see the two of them reunite since Acha's already based in HK for good. We went to The Peak - the coldest place I've ever been to apart from Baguio and Genting in Malaysia. We took the 30-minute train ride to Shenzen and I was given a five-day visa upon arrival at the station... so yes, I could say I've already been to Mainland China... ahaha (for two freaking hours only as we needed to be back in HK by 7pm).
I don't know what is it with me when I travel but I always get sick. I puked all over HK on our last day. I got this terrible headache where it felt like I have about a dozen bricks on top of my head. The feeling was really awful that I vomit every chance that I got. I didn't get to eat and boy, I hate the smell of noodles (most of what I ate and barfed out of my system). To top it all, our flight was delayed (Thanks to Cebu Pacific) by four hours from 10pm to 2am. To make it up with the irritated passengers, the airline officers gave us meal vouchers. Nice. Too bad, I can't really eat yet. But the food was nice so I tried. Then, we just hung out and did all possible means to amuse ourselves - including fafa hunting but to no avail. =) It's really alarming how the "fishes in the ocean" are becoming scarce these days - kung hindi bakla, taken... sheez! Arrived in Manila past 4am and reached home 30 minutes later.
And, I'm back to reality.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Friday, November 09, 2007
Ladyholden on Vox...
Hi peeps...
I got a new blog (again!) and I'm loving it...
Please visit www.ladyholden.vox.com...
If you want a sneak peak of my overly dramatic life... v(^_^)v
Kewl.
I got a new blog (again!) and I'm loving it...
Please visit www.ladyholden.vox.com...
If you want a sneak peak of my overly dramatic life... v(^_^)v
Kewl.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Crazy (little) doggie... WonBin-shi
How can I not love this dog???
Meet WonBin... our one-year old 'third-gen' retriever.. he doesn't look like it na nga... he looks more like a "Chien Dela Rue" (a.k.a. askal... haha!) but equally adorable and cuddly. He's so big and when he gets excited, he'll throw his whole weight on you. The next thing you know, you've exchanged faces with the ground already.
We call him all kinds of stuff and he remembers... we call him 'omoni' (weird but korean term for mother), wonbina, wonbinshi, nini, haramoni (korean term for grandma) and some other unusual names.
Wonbin has all these weird habits that sometimes, I can't help but doubt if he really is a dog or a man who was cursed to become a dog ala '100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd'. Sometimes he barks sounding like a hyper monkey and he doesn't appreciate anyone patting his head. I get a lot of bruise and scratches from playing with him. And he bites (yes he does!)... bad bad dog...
Meet WonBin... our one-year old 'third-gen' retriever.. he doesn't look like it na nga... he looks more like a "Chien Dela Rue" (a.k.a. askal... haha!) but equally adorable and cuddly. He's so big and when he gets excited, he'll throw his whole weight on you. The next thing you know, you've exchanged faces with the ground already.
We call him all kinds of stuff and he remembers... we call him 'omoni' (weird but korean term for mother), wonbina, wonbinshi, nini, haramoni (korean term for grandma) and some other unusual names.Wonbin has all these weird habits that sometimes, I can't help but doubt if he really is a dog or a man who was cursed to become a dog ala '100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd'. Sometimes he barks sounding like a hyper monkey and he doesn't appreciate anyone patting his head. I get a lot of bruise and scratches from playing with him. And he bites (yes he does!)... bad bad dog...
Monday, November 05, 2007
the long weekend.
Nope, I didn't go to Laiya last weekend. It was okay though... I got to spend quality time with my family amidst the usual bickering with mom, tug of war with pop for the TV's remote control and food tripping with ate and kuya. It was indeed a very long weekend for me, I got bored to my wits that I started working Sunday afternoon... hehe... I know, workaholic ako you people would say... But no, it's just the lack of a better thing to do that drove me to work instead.
I spent most of my time in bed, in the arms of my loving pillows... sleeping. Atleast I was able to make up for those insomniac nights where I was up until 3am, getting up four hours later for work. It was so unhealthy and I tasted my abused body's sweet revenge when I got sick for two whole weeks. I lost a lot of weight that I was able to fit into that old pair of jeans which I had since first year college. hehe...
I am starting to regain my weight and, to my delight, my appetite. To hell with my braces, I learned to appreciate the value of things (food to be exact) that is already within arms reach but we take for granted and the agony that's there when you can't have it. I literally cry over it. I swear I am talking about food and not some heartache. =)
I miss a lot of people during the vacation. I miss Vida and Kai and Tere... I even miss Chinchin and Gela who I know I would see today (Although Gela's not yet in) I miss Katkat (Happy Birthday!) and my friends back in college. I miss Pocla who hurt me big time the last time we spoke but I miss just the same. I hope she gets well soon. I miss Mira and Mark whom I have no idea if I will ever see again. I miss my cousins Marianne and Ray whom I only get to 'talk' to through MySpace and Friendster. I miss my cat Sparkie and my old Samsung phone. I miss walking alone at the airport with a big luggage in tow.
I miss my dead loved ones, even those whom I wasn't able to meet because they went up to heaven even before I was born. (But no, please don't visit me... hehe). At the cemetery last November 1, I have heard for the first time some stories about my grandpa (pop's pop) from an uncle. It was quite a story and I felt a sudden pang of regret that I didn't get to meet him or be with him. I am just thinking, we could probably have such a tight grandpa-grand daughter bonding. He seemed like a good old cool grandpa... he seemed makulit like my pop. He was probably like my pop. It would probably be nice to have a 'lolo' whom you could tell your stories to when you feel like the whole world is against you. My grandpa from mom's side also died even before I could walk. I have very vague memories of him. I miss my dear 'Lola Inang' (mom's mom) who was the epitome of a perfect grandma. She was a nag alright but she loved all her grandchildren dearly. I remember how in her old age and that small yet stout body, she would carry me when it rains hard because I hate it when my shoes get drenched. Or how she stays the whole time at the back during my kindergarten class because I would cry when she's out of my sight. Then there's my Uncle Henry who died at Christmas day two years ago. Among my pop's brothers, we love him the most because he was responsible and he was the only one who had balls to put food on the table (except of course pop because he has his own family to feed) despite the fact that he'd been living thousands of miles away in the US with his own family. But I am happy for these people 'coz they are now in peace, somewhere far where people don't get sad at all.
It's the first day of work again and I kept promising myself that I'd be productive. But hey, guilty as charged... I, once again, put half my day to waste, staring at a blank monitor, writing novel-like blogs (ahem) and just... well... thinking about the things that I'm supposed to do but I don't have the energy to do yet. This is what I hate about me. I need to put things in perspective and I have to act rationally. Now...
I spent most of my time in bed, in the arms of my loving pillows... sleeping. Atleast I was able to make up for those insomniac nights where I was up until 3am, getting up four hours later for work. It was so unhealthy and I tasted my abused body's sweet revenge when I got sick for two whole weeks. I lost a lot of weight that I was able to fit into that old pair of jeans which I had since first year college. hehe...
I am starting to regain my weight and, to my delight, my appetite. To hell with my braces, I learned to appreciate the value of things (food to be exact) that is already within arms reach but we take for granted and the agony that's there when you can't have it. I literally cry over it. I swear I am talking about food and not some heartache. =)
I miss a lot of people during the vacation. I miss Vida and Kai and Tere... I even miss Chinchin and Gela who I know I would see today (Although Gela's not yet in) I miss Katkat (Happy Birthday!) and my friends back in college. I miss Pocla who hurt me big time the last time we spoke but I miss just the same. I hope she gets well soon. I miss Mira and Mark whom I have no idea if I will ever see again. I miss my cousins Marianne and Ray whom I only get to 'talk' to through MySpace and Friendster. I miss my cat Sparkie and my old Samsung phone. I miss walking alone at the airport with a big luggage in tow.
I miss my dead loved ones, even those whom I wasn't able to meet because they went up to heaven even before I was born. (But no, please don't visit me... hehe). At the cemetery last November 1, I have heard for the first time some stories about my grandpa (pop's pop) from an uncle. It was quite a story and I felt a sudden pang of regret that I didn't get to meet him or be with him. I am just thinking, we could probably have such a tight grandpa-grand daughter bonding. He seemed like a good old cool grandpa... he seemed makulit like my pop. He was probably like my pop. It would probably be nice to have a 'lolo' whom you could tell your stories to when you feel like the whole world is against you. My grandpa from mom's side also died even before I could walk. I have very vague memories of him. I miss my dear 'Lola Inang' (mom's mom) who was the epitome of a perfect grandma. She was a nag alright but she loved all her grandchildren dearly. I remember how in her old age and that small yet stout body, she would carry me when it rains hard because I hate it when my shoes get drenched. Or how she stays the whole time at the back during my kindergarten class because I would cry when she's out of my sight. Then there's my Uncle Henry who died at Christmas day two years ago. Among my pop's brothers, we love him the most because he was responsible and he was the only one who had balls to put food on the table (except of course pop because he has his own family to feed) despite the fact that he'd been living thousands of miles away in the US with his own family. But I am happy for these people 'coz they are now in peace, somewhere far where people don't get sad at all.
It's the first day of work again and I kept promising myself that I'd be productive. But hey, guilty as charged... I, once again, put half my day to waste, staring at a blank monitor, writing novel-like blogs (ahem) and just... well... thinking about the things that I'm supposed to do but I don't have the energy to do yet. This is what I hate about me. I need to put things in perspective and I have to act rationally. Now...
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Wake up.
What am I doing losing my way?
Good Tuesday morning! I hope this will be one helluva different week - more positive and productive and filled with smiles and laughter. I guess I am tired of succumbing to hopelessness and too much negativity.
As much as this dark cloud clings to my head everytime I'm in the office, I am trying to look outside my office window where the sun shines today like it is keeping its promise.
***
We had a slumber 'party' last weekend at Ria's place in South Forbes. Hell, her house is so darn huge like those houses I see only in soap operas and movies. I was, how do you call it... 'house struck'?
And this weekend, I was invited by Chinchin to join their little outing in La Luz, Laiya, Batangas... Can't wait... beach... beach... here I come. =)
Good Tuesday morning! I hope this will be one helluva different week - more positive and productive and filled with smiles and laughter. I guess I am tired of succumbing to hopelessness and too much negativity.
As much as this dark cloud clings to my head everytime I'm in the office, I am trying to look outside my office window where the sun shines today like it is keeping its promise.
***
We had a slumber 'party' last weekend at Ria's place in South Forbes. Hell, her house is so darn huge like those houses I see only in soap operas and movies. I was, how do you call it... 'house struck'?
And this weekend, I was invited by Chinchin to join their little outing in La Luz, Laiya, Batangas... Can't wait... beach... beach... here I come. =)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Me and my short short hair... ayshhh...
I am having regrets... this feeling that I hate the most. This wasn't suppose to happen. I said I would try very hard to ignore this urge... I knew it would lead me to damnation...
I shouldn't have cut my hair. And now, I'm missing it already... = (
I was just suppose to accompany my friend Chinchin to this Korean Salon in West of Ayala 'coz she wants to get her hair fixed. But then, I found all the justification to splurge 500 bucks on my hair (it's starting to annoy me anyway, I want to sport a short 'do, I want a new look, blah... blah... blah), I succumbed to my whim and entrusted my mane to this gay Korean guy who probably doesn't know how to smile. And it was actually my first time to see a Korean gay guy and it amused me a little... ehehe...
It was probably the language. He didn't understand me or he misunderstood my instructions... I don't know. As far as I can remember, I was very clear "I want this hairstyle" (while pointing to an image in their hairstyle index... "Not too short... up to here only... (while pointing to a spot just above my boob).
But no. The hair cut was a freaking disaster... it's too short. I feel like Go Eun Chan / Yoon Eun-Hye (not that I am as pretty as her...hehe) in Coffee Prince. I look like a guy... waaahhh....
I look like this --->>> (I am not as happy as I look believe me...)
Then maybe it has its rewards... This gay guy I saw yesterday at the conference I attended in Tagaytay might actually fall in love with me, thinking that I am a guy... hehe. He looks like Lee Jun Ki.. he's such an eye candy.. I drooled. Hehe.. Exag. I still can't get over the fact that he made my heart leaped over Mt. Everest and dropped peach-like the moment he opened his mouth. It was so frustrating. Grr... They say when you're heart broken, move on... there are still many fishes in the sea. Problem is, these fishes want to eat their own kind... they huddle together... and they f*** (bleep) together. Oh, man!
I shouldn't have cut my hair. And now, I'm missing it already... = (
I was just suppose to accompany my friend Chinchin to this Korean Salon in West of Ayala 'coz she wants to get her hair fixed. But then, I found all the justification to splurge 500 bucks on my hair (it's starting to annoy me anyway, I want to sport a short 'do, I want a new look, blah... blah... blah), I succumbed to my whim and entrusted my mane to this gay Korean guy who probably doesn't know how to smile. And it was actually my first time to see a Korean gay guy and it amused me a little... ehehe...
It was probably the language. He didn't understand me or he misunderstood my instructions... I don't know. As far as I can remember, I was very clear "I want this hairstyle" (while pointing to an image in their hairstyle index... "Not too short... up to here only... (while pointing to a spot just above my boob).
But no. The hair cut was a freaking disaster... it's too short. I feel like Go Eun Chan / Yoon Eun-Hye (not that I am as pretty as her...hehe) in Coffee Prince. I look like a guy... waaahhh....
I look like this --->>> (I am not as happy as I look believe me...)
Then maybe it has its rewards... This gay guy I saw yesterday at the conference I attended in Tagaytay might actually fall in love with me, thinking that I am a guy... hehe. He looks like Lee Jun Ki.. he's such an eye candy.. I drooled. Hehe.. Exag. I still can't get over the fact that he made my heart leaped over Mt. Everest and dropped peach-like the moment he opened his mouth. It was so frustrating. Grr... They say when you're heart broken, move on... there are still many fishes in the sea. Problem is, these fishes want to eat their own kind... they huddle together... and they f*** (bleep) together. Oh, man!
Faffy Jae Won's lost twin
This Chinese singer, Nicholas Teo looks like my faffy Jae Won... And I thought 'ngangabunch's' (as my deluded gay cousin calls him) face is unique... tee-hee! Anyway, Nicholas Teo is a very good singer. I like his songs, especially this one...
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sick sick sick
I've been dead for two and a half days - last weekend to be exact. I went home earlier than usual (around 3pm) last Friday because of a head-splitting headache and nausea. I vomited thrice that afternoon and I went into a deep slumber. I have no idea what happened next...
I've been like this - dead on the inside -- for the last couple of weeks. I live through numerous prescription drugs and minimal food intake that I usually take out of my system even before they have stayed long enough in my stomach for digestion. I feel so weak that my eyes hurt at the slight sight of bright lights and my muscles and joints feel perpetually exhausted.
But today morning, I mustered up all the strength that's left in me to go to work. I am probably straining myself too much and the consequences aren't pretty. I wish I could just lie down all day and not worry about work and the pending write-ups that I have. I wish I wouldn't have to stress myself because of yet another delayed release of this magazine I'm handling.
I feel so numb; I'm half-asleep, half-awake. My eyes are open but they don't recognize anything. Everything seems to be dictated by the slow condescending feeling that makes me want to immerse myself in complete isolation. I hear my slow steady breathing but I can't feel my own soul. It left me already.
Why do I feel this dead when I'm still alive?
I've been like this - dead on the inside -- for the last couple of weeks. I live through numerous prescription drugs and minimal food intake that I usually take out of my system even before they have stayed long enough in my stomach for digestion. I feel so weak that my eyes hurt at the slight sight of bright lights and my muscles and joints feel perpetually exhausted.
But today morning, I mustered up all the strength that's left in me to go to work. I am probably straining myself too much and the consequences aren't pretty. I wish I could just lie down all day and not worry about work and the pending write-ups that I have. I wish I wouldn't have to stress myself because of yet another delayed release of this magazine I'm handling.
I feel so numb; I'm half-asleep, half-awake. My eyes are open but they don't recognize anything. Everything seems to be dictated by the slow condescending feeling that makes me want to immerse myself in complete isolation. I hear my slow steady breathing but I can't feel my own soul. It left me already.
Why do I feel this dead when I'm still alive?
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Mmmm...mmmorning!
This was the first time in months (or probably years?) that I reached the office before 7 am and damn, it felt good. I was always telling my friend Gelai that it was sort of my dream to be at the office early in the morning, watch the sunrise through my office window while sipping a hot cup of coffee, mesmerized by the beauty of (albeit polluted) Makati skyline and indulging in the sweetness of silence.
I'm having a hard time focusing on writing these days and I thought it might be a good therapy for my already rusting brain...
I'm having a hard time focusing on writing these days and I thought it might be a good therapy for my already rusting brain...
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
still gray...
Ordinary day, ordinary phase in an ordinary life of an ordinary soul. I still feel so sick inside... holes inside... As Joe Brooks said "...'coz sometimes, faith and your dreams will collide..."
I feel like I have this 'gi-normous' (if there is such a term) hole inside of me that sucks the last ounce of the cheerful me... I am becoming black.
I feel like I have this 'gi-normous' (if there is such a term) hole inside of me that sucks the last ounce of the cheerful me... I am becoming black.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Drama... drama.
What am I doing with my life? I honestly don't know. I am probably in that point where I should be certain about what I am doing and yet, I don't really know which direction am I heading. It's suppose to be simple and clear. I could easily enumerate all the things that I have right now and those that I would want to have in the future. I mean, I am living with my family, I have a job, I love my job (it's different from loving where you are exactly), I love my friends at work, I love the things that I have at work - from the laptop computer that have been so "graciously" given to me (so that I wouldn't have any reason not to do my job well...) to my little multi-colored post-its and to my overly abused coffee cup. They make me happy. Those little things make my day.
But why do I feel like sh*t these days? I feel like I have no direction at all. My everyday routine is turning into a vicious cycle - either I do or I don't. Probably it's the rule of life and I have to stick to it no matter what but this is the point where the character turns suicidal. If only I could put a bullet in my head, then I'd probably have nothing more to complain about. I am starting to sound so deluded and out of my wits but I really feel so low. Work is putting too much pressure on me and I need some time to digress. I need some time to be alone. I want to hide myself in a little cupboard on a one-way-ticket train heading somewhere far. Sometimes people wonder why someone who seems to have everything suddenly ends everything.
I have lots of dreams - I want to apply for scholarships abroad and continue writing. I want to write my own novel someday - chic lit, some Pulitzer-prize worthy sh*t or a self-help book, it doesn't matter. I want to be published and be taken seriously as a professional journalist. I want to be my own captain or work for someone that is worth calling a 'boss' and not some stupid f*ck who thinks peoples' lives revolves at the palm of his hands because he feeds them... sanctimonious pile of dung.
*This is probably my entry which has the most number of cuss words in it...
I am not angry. I am pissed off. I am frustrated and 'am half-tempted to sleep and never wake up. How come it is so damn easy to smile when deep inside, you're mourning for yourself and the death of your happiness? I can easily forget sadness when I see people and talk to friends and bombard myself with worries about what I haven't done yet that needs to be done and what I shouldn't have done. I forget the pain and the tugging feelings of brain torture, regret, heartache and who - in heaven's name - knows. Sometimes, no matter how I love being around some people, I tend to pull myself away for fear of giving them the impression that I am giving myself away too much. Friends come and go but little do they know that a part of me dies along with those who killed my trust and respect.
I miss being carefree and being stupid not caring whether the world thinks I am just a gum on a side street, ready to piss the hell out of someone. I miss being invisible yet important and loved. I miss smiling for someone. I miss laughing for no one. I miss ME.
But why do I feel like sh*t these days? I feel like I have no direction at all. My everyday routine is turning into a vicious cycle - either I do or I don't. Probably it's the rule of life and I have to stick to it no matter what but this is the point where the character turns suicidal. If only I could put a bullet in my head, then I'd probably have nothing more to complain about. I am starting to sound so deluded and out of my wits but I really feel so low. Work is putting too much pressure on me and I need some time to digress. I need some time to be alone. I want to hide myself in a little cupboard on a one-way-ticket train heading somewhere far. Sometimes people wonder why someone who seems to have everything suddenly ends everything.
I have lots of dreams - I want to apply for scholarships abroad and continue writing. I want to write my own novel someday - chic lit, some Pulitzer-prize worthy sh*t or a self-help book, it doesn't matter. I want to be published and be taken seriously as a professional journalist. I want to be my own captain or work for someone that is worth calling a 'boss' and not some stupid f*ck who thinks peoples' lives revolves at the palm of his hands because he feeds them... sanctimonious pile of dung.
*This is probably my entry which has the most number of cuss words in it...
I am not angry. I am pissed off. I am frustrated and 'am half-tempted to sleep and never wake up. How come it is so damn easy to smile when deep inside, you're mourning for yourself and the death of your happiness? I can easily forget sadness when I see people and talk to friends and bombard myself with worries about what I haven't done yet that needs to be done and what I shouldn't have done. I forget the pain and the tugging feelings of brain torture, regret, heartache and who - in heaven's name - knows. Sometimes, no matter how I love being around some people, I tend to pull myself away for fear of giving them the impression that I am giving myself away too much. Friends come and go but little do they know that a part of me dies along with those who killed my trust and respect.
I miss being carefree and being stupid not caring whether the world thinks I am just a gum on a side street, ready to piss the hell out of someone. I miss being invisible yet important and loved. I miss smiling for someone. I miss laughing for no one. I miss ME.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Flu, flu go away...
Why am I such a weakling? I am down again with a flu - terrible colds and a painful cough. Like the magazine that I am working on, this virus seems to attack me on a bimonthly basis - I usually get infected once every two months.
Haay.
But my day wasn't limited to lounging in bed the whole time and sleeping like crazy but instead I am in front of my laptop, typing away some email responses. Plus , the not-so-nice ogre have given me tons (again) to worry about. So what's new? I might as well carried my ass off to work.
I feel so bad... especially my sinuses. Do you know that awful feeling when you swallowed salt water through your nostrils... bleck! I can't swallow normally and my air passage is being blocked by gallons of (forgive me, but I have to mention) mucus... ehehe... I wish I could get rid of them with one powerful blow.
My mom's even blaming me for getting sick. She said it's my six hour computer marathon yesterday afternoon that gave me the bug. Totally incoherent but hey, mom's a mom - they think they are always right. I'd say I've been exposed to too much radiation (from the PC screen) and this aggravated the situation. The next thing I know I have a high-fever.
I can't help it, I finally found a site where I could watch Entourage whenever I want - sidereel.com. Try it! It got almost all the American TV Series and even new movies. So nice. I am so hooked and crazy about the Ari-Lloyd tandem. Anyway, I was alternately watching Entourage at sidereel and 'The Coffee Prince' at youtube the whole yesterday afternoon. Mom's probably got a point.
Anyway, I hope I can get to work already tomorrow as I've tons of other things to worry about other than this darn flu.
Haay.
But my day wasn't limited to lounging in bed the whole time and sleeping like crazy but instead I am in front of my laptop, typing away some email responses. Plus , the not-so-nice ogre have given me tons (again) to worry about. So what's new? I might as well carried my ass off to work.
I feel so bad... especially my sinuses. Do you know that awful feeling when you swallowed salt water through your nostrils... bleck! I can't swallow normally and my air passage is being blocked by gallons of (forgive me, but I have to mention) mucus... ehehe... I wish I could get rid of them with one powerful blow.
My mom's even blaming me for getting sick. She said it's my six hour computer marathon yesterday afternoon that gave me the bug. Totally incoherent but hey, mom's a mom - they think they are always right. I'd say I've been exposed to too much radiation (from the PC screen) and this aggravated the situation. The next thing I know I have a high-fever.
I can't help it, I finally found a site where I could watch Entourage whenever I want - sidereel.com. Try it! It got almost all the American TV Series and even new movies. So nice. I am so hooked and crazy about the Ari-Lloyd tandem. Anyway, I was alternately watching Entourage at sidereel and 'The Coffee Prince' at youtube the whole yesterday afternoon. Mom's probably got a point.
Anyway, I hope I can get to work already tomorrow as I've tons of other things to worry about other than this darn flu.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Pachelbel Rant
I love Pachelbel Canon in D with all of my being but this guy just made my night =) hehe... enjoy Rob Paravonian's funny rantings about how he hated Pachelbel...
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