Murphy's Law.

I first heard this adage from my friend, Edward (also my layout artist for Asian Quaity Magazine) one exhausting afternoon of trying to figure out what to do with our magazine's design. We've been caught up in atleast a couple of bad situations, practically hindering what's supposed to be accomplished. Edward said: "Nami-Murphy's Law tayo!" I, in my all cluelessness replied: "Nawa-what???" He sort of explained the meaning to me; something about whatever-can-go-wrong-will-go-wrong thing but I didn't actually grasp what he meant. But since then, I used it as an excuse whenever something - in the midst of may daily course of activities - goes wrong.

This morning, Na-murphy's law ako. I couldn't get a cab. It was annoyingly hot. I was late for work, blah, blah, blah. Sh*t. If Murphy's law is one big tornado, I would probably be swallowed whole.

Then, curiousity kills the cat (meowww!)so I looked up the definition of Murphy's Law. Wikipedia says:

Murphy's law is a popular saying in Western culture that broadly states that things will go wrong in any given situation, if you give them a chance. "If there's more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way." The saying is sometimes referred to as Sod's law. Finagle's law, which can be rendered as "Anything that can go wrong, will—at the worst possible moment," is a variation.

***

Anyway, I went to a wake last night. My former editor's mom died. The cause: heat stroke. Scary. My heart goes out to my former mentor who is such a kind-hearted and good-natured person. If it weren't really for my financial woes before, I'd stay in her company, grow with the values that she instilled upon me as a writer. I haven't thanked her enough.

It was nice to be with my old office buddies. We had our times, then we parted ways. I thought I'd never be seeing them again. But God has his ways.

Cheesy but I like it.

I never really appreciated the song until now. Why am I such a crybaby? I think it is probably because my eyes are big that they tend to spill gallons of tears.

Note to self: My eyes aren't exactly blue... far from it actually.

Blue eyes blue (Eric Clapton)

I thought that you'd be loving me.
I thought you were the one who'd stay forever.
But now forevers come and gone
And I'm still here alone.

cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart.
I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start.

It was you who put the clouds around me.
It was you who made the tears fall down.
It was you who broke my heart in pieces.
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue.
Oh, I never should have trusted you.

I thought that I'd be all you need.
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven.
And now my heavens gone away
And I'm out in the cold.

cause you had me believing,
You had me believing in a lie.
Guess I couldn't see it,
I guess I couldn't see it till I saw goodbye.

cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart.
I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start.

It was you who put the clouds around me.
It was you.

Oh, I never should have trusted you.
Oh, I never should have trusted you.
Oh, I never should have trusted you.

Holy Week in Bora.

I thought I'd never get to see Boracay until May. Thanks to Rodney, my officemate and we (Ate Lani, Mike, Marvin & myself) were able to go last Thursday with an itsy-bitsy budget... but then, we were able to survive.. haha! I was truly feeling half-hearted though because we had to leave mom and pop alone to tend on the whole annual "Pabasa" thing which they had been doing for as long as I can remember. It was a tradition passed on by my granny to my mom. Anyway, I was actually glad mom and pop didn't disapprove of our plan, especially it was [scheduled] on the Holy Week pa.

Day 1 (Maundy Thursday)
As usual, I had a hard time deciding on what and what not to bring. I think I packed an entire luggage that could last me a week. I almost killed Rodney when I learned that we’ll be staying there two days only (two days!!!). Funny, I didn't even check my ticket for the departure date.
Anyway, we boarded M/S San Paolo, NN's funship that would take us to Boracay around 3pm and it left about an hour later. It was amusing to see the mix of people aboard the ship - there were "cono kids" (a lot of them actually) and the usual haggard-looking people… in a more blatant term, mga jologs. I even saw a bunch of European backpackers at the “Tatami area” a.k.a glorified economy class. Then there were these cute Chinese guys that were walking tirelessly, touring the entire ship, obviously first-timers. Our group actually was room-less for an hour before Angie (Rodney’s gf who works for NN) actually scored us a “Business Class” room which actually fits four people only. So the six of us stayed together in one room; it wasn’t really bad… it was actually comfortable enough. Except for the fact that we had to use the common bath room so I had to get out of our room in the middle of the night to pee. Whew.
Contrary to what I was claiming that it wasn’t boring to take a ship for a 12-hour ride to Boracay, I was actually bored to my wits. There wasn’t much to do in this funship but stay in the sun deck with your iPod on while gazing on the boundless view of the sea and the angry waves that seem to want to topple the ship over, stay in your room and watch whatever movie is being aired on the tube, or read a book, or EAT. And so I ate… ate a lot, forgetting about a week of dieting to fit into my swimsuit. I munched away my boredom. By 11pm, my cabin-mates were already fast asleep. I was still wide awake because I could feel the strong waves wanting to swallow the whole ship.

Day 2 (Good Friday)
It wasn’t good at all. We arrived in Caticlan around 6am. There was a lot of waiting. Waiting for the others to disembark, waiting for my sis’ friggin’ ex-officemate and her friends, waiting in line to buy the tickets, environmental fee, terminal fee, etc., waiting for the multi-cab that would take us from Cagban port to Station 2 (they have this new rule that all tourists going to Boracay should disembark in Cagban port only and not directly in whatever stations they’re going to stay in) and most of all, waiting to get a room / a space where we can stay. God bless Rodney and Angie, they didn’t reserve a room knowing how difficult it is to get one on a peak season like this. Grrr… Anyway, we did get a room in Station 3. I didn’t even know what the place was called. It was good though. Fits all of us six, perfectly. I was just sooo frustrated knowing that I only got two days to enjoy my vacation and a quarter of it was already wasted just waiting. I was tired but I’d say staying in Boracay was all worth it. And this was already my 4th time. I’d probably never get tired of coming back. The rest of the activities were usual – bumming around the beach, checking out cute guys (who unfortunately were either taken or gay), sunbathing, pigging out, swimming, etc.
Then…
I had my period. Nice.
Sucks, I know. But instead of moping, I tried to enjoy my stay. Pics here.

Day 3 (Black Saturday)
Jesus Christ was dead. We woke up on a rainy Saturday morning. Wow, it was raining in Boracay. For me, it seemed surreal. We had breakfast – noodles and coffee and chips. The rain stopped abruptly. The sun, as though having its sweet revenge, shone like it was the last. It was really hot. So, with my period and all, I put on my swimsuit and had a nice (though tiring) walk on the beach with my kuya. We went to the far end of Station 3 where there’s a magnificent view of caves and rocks and trees. Then, walk all the way back to Station 2 where we’re planning to have our lunch as usual. My legs were hurting but it really didn’t matter. I also had a nice whole body massage by the beach (as I promised myself). I was planning to go on a banana boat ride but decided against it.
We spent the rest of the day eating, shopping for goodies, some pasalubong and just bumming (again) by the beach. I so love it, I could bum around the whole day – with a good music on, a good read and some chips to munch on. After all, I am not a beach bummer for nothing, ‘ayt?
By 4pm, we were already on our way back to Cagban port. Goodbye Boracay. Our stay was really that short and somehow, I still didn’t want to go. But I had no choice. We waited until 7pm for M/S San Paolo – the same ship took us back to Manila. As we boarded the ship, I had nothing else in mind but sleep and rest. Not to mention, I had sun burn all over and it hurts. Did I mention, I fell asleep while having my massage that half my face (atleast the part that’s not covered by my sunglass) is sun-kissed. I look like a raccoon. Stupid is stupid does. More pics here.

Day 4 (Easter Sunday)
Happy Easter and we’re back in Manila!

Disgruntled.

Grr... my computer went dead (aysshhh!) Anyway, I was suppose to post this one a week ago when I was feeling really really down -- like I was having some sort of a quarter-life crisis. But hey, I feel good now =)

The past few days have been very unhealthy for me -- emotionally, physically and spiritually. I was a wreck; a miserable soul who could snap (loose screws) at any moment. Seriously, I was afraid I'd just snap like that *thet snapping her fingers*

It was all too much. Thanks to Gela, my dear friend who keeps me sane amidst this chaotic phase and her own craziness; I survive... Aza!

I was too disheartened and stressed about work that all I had were evil thoughts about the nasty ogre (you know whom I referring to) and this dark, cold, psyche-battering place called 'hell'. Need I say more? Nah.

Anyway, a week has passed and I feel like I already came to my senses. After days of crying (I am really such a tear-jerker), staring at blank spaces for what seemed like eternity, I am back to my old self- perky, bubbly, happy.

But I still hate every person who's making my life miserable. I'll get back at you.

Old feelings... (summer na!) Ang Labo.

I swear I could curse here all I want but my internet connection wouldn't improve one bit. I've been infront of the monitor the moment I woke up because of that letcheng business plan that I have to submit to the ogre. I don't want to give it on Monday; I want it done ASAP. kung pwede nga lang isampal sa ngala-ngala niya, ginawa ko na.... (ayshhhh...)

Anyway, I don't want to take things the negative way but I feel that worse feeling of 'losing' someone again. Well I hope, it's just me who's pathetically thinking about it; I hope it's just another paranoia from my end. I mean, the feeling is too familiar to miss - it's like a gush of wind - you could never go wrong; it could totally mess up your hair (whew.. ang labo ng metaphor ko). Okay, now... I don't want to say anything more... Mum's the word.

Then, there's this someone whom I thought I already forgotten. My, my , my... was I really wrong. It's as if that void wasn't there at all. It's like we're on that same time, the exact same moment. Nothing's changed. And I'm surprising myself a lot -- why do I love the feeling?

***

It's really hot!!! Summer na!!! Boracay! Galera! Camiguin! Coron! Anilao! Matabungkay! Hinulugang-taktak! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?! Ahahahaha... I was just kidding about the last two...

Our office is planning a summer outing and I was the one tasked to organized everything. Funny thing is that when somebody asks me excitedly where we are going, me and my evil counterpart, Ladyholden, enjoys deflating their high hopes by replying "Matabungkay o kaya Hinulugang Taktak" hihihi. But seriously, I'm goign for Galera... Sana (keeping both my fingers crossed) 'coz it's the closest thing to Boracay (which I'm never gonnna see until May) and I suspect that our budget could only afford. Even doubt about it.

Anyway, the damn PDF AQ File that I've been downloading the last two hours hasn't moved one bit. I give up. Siyet.

Post B-day Chuva.

PARA MASAYA!

Photo and video editing at onetruemedia.com

March 12, 2007

It's my birthdaaaaayyyyy!!!





Mom says I was born at exactly 12:45 am...

I dunno but I really am extremely happy whenever this day approaches. Probably, I've never been thankful that I am here... I have a pretty normal and decent life and I am with the people whom I cherish the most.

And for this... I could never thank God enough.

My family was kind'a excited too... we celebrated a day earlier. I spent half my day in 168 Mall though, hoping to buy some good finds. On the way there, I came across these street children who were happily wallowing in the big fountain by the Binondo Plaza. They were shouting "Ate, ate, picture naman jan!" And so with my ever-reliable Samsung Camera-phone, I froze that wonderful scene in time.



Hmm... 25 years is really not that bad... I would say I've done a lot of good things already that could win me a de luxe reservation at the book of life up there (hehe). I am still living with my parents but I have a pretty good pay and a job that I love. (Although you know for a fact that I wouldn't consider whom or where I really work for a blessing). And yes, by the way, I am still single. How many more years should I endure before I get hitched again (not that I am too eager to be). I just miss the feeling... nyahaha!



I have a lot of wishes. And first on my list is WORLDPEACE. Seriously, not trying to be Ms. America (or Philippines) at all... but hey, we needed that badly.

Waaahhh... I am so delayed...

Nope... I am not talking about my period... So there's no fear of me being pregnant or whatsoever (ano yun, immaculate conception? hahaha!)

Anyway, the 3rd issue of Asian Quality is sooooo delayed. Probably it's my fault... I basked too much on procrastination that this is what I'm getting now. Hmmm.. probably my current 'confusion' about my 'work' is also adding up to this.

I am (or was?) suppose to transfer to this newswire company but it hasn't (didn't?) materialized yet. The girl I am talking to in the company told me she's giving me a call back this week. But I had doubts about it. Not because they wouldn't give me the call back but because I feel not too secure in the company. They couldn't answer me when I asked about the benefits that I'll be entitled to. All I know is that I will be one of the editors who will handle monthly newsletters, interview expats, write tons of copies and nothing more.

I had a good talk with Chin-Chin last Saturday (while we were pigging out at Kitchen in Greenbelt). It wasn't that she tried to convince me to stay but she actually laid out the pros and cons. And I actually did a lot of thinking myself last Friday. As for the 'bitching' of the ogre, I guess Chin tried to do something about it, telling him how inappropriate it is. In fairness, the ogre wasn't too monstrous during our last Business Unit Heads Meeting. He was actually... in fact... smiling. Yay! The visual is still scary!

Anyway, I'm missing the whole point of this blog. I am truly concern about AQ. I've had enough of pressures but hell, do I have a choice? Whether I transfer or not, WORK ITSELF IS PRESSURE. And people work to survive, to live. It's a vicious cycle nobody can stop. Bottomline is I have vowed (once again) to focus on AQ (not the person. the person has long been dead. kidding!) and make my stay here worth it. I once told myself that I will only leave this company when my next step is really really big like going abroad. But I am not saying that I'll be here until I can bear no more. Once I see that sparkling light of opportunity, I'll be all for it. Adios hell on earth.

MUSIC & LYRICS (Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore)

I haven't seen this movie... yet... I'm already in-love with it.


Very very nice song.

lyrics - way back into love

OUR MUSIC.

Photo and video editing at onetruemedia.com

Wouldn't it be nice?

Make an online slideshow at onetruemedia.com

Trip to Cavite

My whole body aches (especially my buns... if you know what I mean), probably because of the whole ***damn nightmare ride to and from Trece Martirez, Cavite for a visit at my Aunt and Uncle's place.

See, these are the people whom we only see once in a blue moon -- during Christmas, birthdays and on very rare occasions -- since they left Makati to settle in once of those developed subdivisions springing like shitake mushrooms in the rural areas of Luzon. My uncle's not doing well; been in and out of the hospital so we've decided it's proper to show that we care.

So at around 8am, my mom, ate, 'kuya' and me were already aboard this dingy ordinary bus bound to Cavite. I was so sleepy, I didn't get to sleep until 2am (insomnia strikes again). The fact that I was pissed off that we didn't get to ride an air condition bus to save us from dusts and the pollution of Metro Manila was intensified by "Napakasakit Kuya Eddie" and "Tukso, Layuan Mo Ako" blaring on the boom box speakers on the background. We were tortured by these long playing music the whole hour and a half bus ride. It was hell. I wanted to kill Imelda Papin right there and then. And I promise to get an i-pod on my next payday!!! My sister, on the other hand, was talking nonstop about getting a car for the family to rid us of this hellish encounters every time we need to travel out of Metro Manila. Heat's probably gone up to our heads.

Well, we didn't stay long. We just ate, told some stories, played with my very cute and intelligent nephew, Sean and slept. I was so tired that I snoozed on my aunt's sofa sitting up. The moment I woke up, everybody's getting ready to leave already.

Short [and hellish] as it may seem but I should say the visit was worth it. It's hard to get along with some of our relatives but we intend to keep whatever bond is holding us [closer] with the others.

Juvenile Thet strikes again...

I am so desperate to have a photo taken with this guy (perpetually my juvenile obsession). And so, with the wonders of Photoshop, I created some magic and... voila!

Hmmmm... I think we look cute together... Nah, I think we look damn good together... Ha-ha!
Just let me indulge. This is my blog anyway v(^_^)v.

My Chocolates!

Make video montages at onetruemedia.com

Valentines, Oh Valentines!

Who says that Valentines Day are for couples only? Of course not. I'm happy as this is the first time in years that I felt good about all this hullabaloo everytime the Hearts Day approaches. I am actually wondering if my family is celebrating it at home right now. (Yea, I'm still in the office, finishing an ad proposal on a Valentines night... nice.) Wonder if my pop prepared a nice dinner for mom or if 'ate' bought some cake with the 'Happy Valentines!' greeting on it. But I'm pretty sure, my beloved baby brother is not giving a sh*t about all this; he's probably engrossed playing PS2 right now.

It's ironic how I didn't see too many indications that it's actually Valentines Day today but how strongly I felt it. I received a lot of greetings from friends and I just enjoyed watching some of them be surprised by a bouquet of flowers or some other sweet gestures from their significant others. Of course there are some who actually feels bad because they got nada.

This morning, my cab driver was trying really hard to strike up a conversation with me, telling me how he's been overwhelmed by the prominence of color red everywhere he looked. I was half-tempted to tell him: "baka naman ho color blind na kayo... e wala naman akong nakikitang nakapula eh..." Anyways, it was funny; he was telling me how the owner of the cab he was driving got all excited about the V-Day that he even put red seat covers and tiny little hearts at the dashboard and 'ceiling' of his cab. It was lucky I decided not to wear my red pull-over; had I worn it, I would perfectly blend in with the car seat. Yaikks!

Anyway, some people crossed my mind and I was almost convinced that I do miss them. But truth is, I don't. it's just fun thinking about them and how I used to 'share' some of these sweet moments with them...

• That guy who gave me a long stem white rose which he got from Mother Mary's altar. I heard he cried when he learned that I already left for Baguio and he missed giving me his present. Sweet chap. I would love to run into him one of these days.
• That guy who suddenly kissed me out from nowhere. (Sa cheeks lang naman, promise!) They were playing 'truth or dare' and I was busy reading some magazine beside him. He was asked to kiss the person whom he cares most about [at that time]. The bloke suddenly turned to me and without a word kissed me on the cheek! Eh bata pa ko nun... I was surprised. Well, I think that's sweet too.
• That guy who never gave me anything but heartache. Let's just say he played a big part in my teen-age years love-life. Haha. Heartbreaker, you know who you are.
  
• That guy who pretended to be my boyfriend because a yucky crewmate in McDonald's kept harrassing me to be his girlfriend. Hah, he chased the poor guy away and I ended up liking him too much that it broke my heart into pieces when I learned that he likes my best friend more than me. Sad. But happy now.
• That guy [who looks like my pop] whom I had a crush to in college; a schoolmate in UP Baguio. He has this squeaky, chipmunk-like voice that turns me off every time. But hey, he plays the guitar like Satriani *drooling* I never really got the nerve to talk to this guy.
  
• That guy who took me to see the movie 'Bourne Identity' (or Supremacy... I can't actually remember). The jerk tried to kiss me and you-know-what! right there in the middle of the Robinsons Place theatre. Ang baduy! I never saw him after that.
  
• That very first guy whom I confessed my feelings to. He told me 'I rock!' and I thought it wasn't really flattering. Nothing really happened. I think I still like him but there's something in him that turns me off. He doesn't care about me at all.
• That guy. Yes, that guy.

It's funny how I felt they were my world at some point in time and how I overcame and just shrug and smile and laugh at the idea every time I think about them now.

I love L-O-V-E. It's like the kid in us... it's silly most of the times.

HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYBODY!

MWAH!

10 Things That Make Me Unproductive At Work

10. The Heat. Our office [or at least our side] is like a living hell. The aircon hasn’t been working for more than a week now and I think the heat has been going up my head, damaging all my productive braincells. Thus, can’t think of anything sensible.

9. Busted Internet Connection. Our internet connection has been going on and off and it really pisses everybody’s mind off. Half my work depends on research and this situation leaves me helpless everytime.

8. Daydreaming. Sand. Waves. Blue skies. 2-piece swimsuit and my sunblock. I always think about getting a vacation amidst all the chaos at work that sometimes I am having a hard time snapping out of a good ‘ol day dreaming.

7. Audio from the peoples’ mouths a.k.a. NOISE. Some of my colleagues aren’t that considerate. They think everybody can concentrate even with their loud voices destroying the piece and serenity of the room. Focus is derived from silence.

6. The Presence. No, I’m not talking about anything supernatural. I am talking about the big-old-fat-ugly-scary Ogre lurking around the office. Who - in their right mind - would feel comfortable working while being criticized and bashed out?

5. Hunger. I am always hungry; I think I was an obese man in my past life. My stomach growls like crazy, I eat like a pig. I can’t work and I can’t think when I’m at this state. I think it’s pretty normal.

4. Boredom.A friend asks me, How can you be bored when you’re over-loaded with work? I don’t know either. Maybe I am getting bored about work or maybe I am just getting bored by the mere fact that I am compelled to do the same old things and listen to the same old sh*t over and over and damn over again.

3. Youtube.com. So, I am currently addicted to watching ‘My Lovely Sam Soon’ on youtube.com. Can’t get enough of Daniel Henney and Hyun Bin’s face… tee-hee. Actually whenever I crave watching someone (or something) I can’t help myself but click away right to youtube’s page… forgetting that hell, I’ve got loads to do.

2. Blogging. Hah. The thing that I love the most! I usually write blogs whenever I feel a sudden strong surge of emotion — happy, sad, mad, or simply plain -blah-. and most of the time, I am overly emotional.

1. Sleepyhead. My eyes are getting heavy… ZZzzzzzz… I always feel sleepy at work. Maybe because I’m not getting enough sleep every time because pf my damn insomnia (which I’ve been trying to battle for years now). So the good ‘ol drowsiness takes effect most often in the afternoon, specifically after lunch. Whattapig.

Which Trainspotting Character Are You???

I AM RENTON. MARK RENTON. NICE.


Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

Holden Caulfield-isms...

These are just some of my favorite quotes from my male fiction counterpart, Holden Caulfield from J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye...

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."


"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."


Holden: "You know that song, 'If a body catch a body comin' through the rye'?..."
Phoebe: "It's 'If a body meet a body coming through the rye'!... It's a poem. By Robert Burns."


"It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to."


"Take most people, they're crazy about cars. They worry if they get a little scratch on them, and they're always talking about how many miles they get to a gallon, and if they get a brand-new car already they start thinking about trading it in for one that's even newer. I don't even like old cars. I mean they don't even interest me. I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake."


"Goddam money. It always ends up making you blue as hell."


"I don't even know what I was running for - I guess I just felt like it."

"What really knocks me out is a book, when you're all done reading it, you wished the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it."


"People never believe you."


"All morons hate it when you call them a moron."


"Almost every time somebody gives me a present, it ends up making me sad."


"When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go."


"People always clap for the wrong things."


"I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though."


"I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoyed the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard."


"He kept saying they were too new and bourgeois. That was his favorite goddam word. He read it somewhere or heard it somewhere, Everything I had was bourgeois as hell. Even my fountain pen was bourgeois. He borrowed it off me all the time, but it was bourgeois anyway."


"Catholics are always trying to find out if you're Catholic."


"Girls. You never know what they're going to think."


"All these angels start coming out of the boxes and everywhere, guys carrying crucifixes and stuff all over the place, and the whole bunch of them - thousands of them - singing "Come All Ye Faithful" like mad. Big deal. It's supposed to be religious as hell, I know, and very pretty and all, but I can't see anything religious or pretty, for God's sake, about a bunch of actors carrying crucifixes all over the stage. When they all finished and started going out the boxes again, you could tell they could hardly wait to get a cigarette of something. I saw it with old Sally Hayes the year before, and she kept saying how beautiful it was, the costumes and all. I said old Jesus probably would've puked if He could see it."


"If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the 'Fuck you' signs in the world. It's impossible."

I just want to feel better.

Think this could change my 'irritated-almost-suicidal' mood to feeling nowwwmal again. . .

Yea, it probably can...

To the Purgatory and Back.

I just got off from an excruciating four-hour meeting with other business unit heads in the company. It wasn't actually an almost 'hellish' encounter until the ogre showed up. I guess God loves me too much that it wasn't me who was presenting when he barged in to the conference room. It was the 'Spawn'. Poor guy, he got a lot of bashing right there and then. Even if the ogre was claiming he wasn't really mad... hell, we think he is. Poor spawnie guy, almost eaten up by the earth where he stood from too much shame. I don't normally symphatize with him but I have already been under the same situation with the ogre and it was soooo horrific that I cried after... well, at least not infront of him.

He reminds me of the leprechaun who has no room for other things in his mind but money. It's so sad. I mean, busines is really business; we need to make profit, earn to at least break even and better if we will make tons of cash to sustain the business and fill in all our material needs. But there is a very tangible line between reasonable goals and targeting the impossible. A person can only do so much.

Take my case for instance. He's giving me the '123' whenever we're talking about revenues for this magazine. But I guess he really is 'babo' for not comprehending the very simple rule about going into the publishing business - 'be prepared to lose in the first few months (even years) of your publication. This is a tough business. We don't go bullying people to advertise in our magazine at a whim. We have to wait. PATIENTLY. But I'm not saying that we have the luxury to be bummers. We have to work hard towards this goal -- build a network and work on the visibility and credibility (worthy contents) of the magazine. But the ogre just doesn't get this. I guess his mind is too clouded with thoughts about money that he becomes irrational.

I really am pissed off. Maybe I should start looking for another job.

AQ's 2nd issue

Wow... can't believe, work's been really paying off... AQ's 2nd issue is out at
last.
My good 'ol critics tell me this looks way way better than the first one (content, layout, printing and the whole package) and I yea, what can I say, it actually is.

But hey, I owe AQ to those people who were there from the beginning; those witnesses to the birthpains and hellish everyday encounters when it was yet to come out. AQ wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for these guys. And for that, Saranggaeyo!!!

Hmm... now I wonder how many eons will go before we see the third issue...

Five more minutes to dreamland

Cruel insomnia strikes again. This anticipated sorrow had me ever since I can remember. I am trying to justify that my overdosing of caffeine doesn’t have anything to do with this but my conscience tells me otherwise. The clock ticks… five more minutes before 12 midnight and I am here, tiring myself too much to hasten my journey to dreamland. Sad, but I couldn’t escape.

I pity myself; I’m a total loser – bad sleeping habits, mercurial temper, a food junkie, a junk food junkie, a caffeine addict, a hopeless romantic, a she-devil in an angel suit, a wild Goddess tamed by the merciless reality called fate. I am all that.

But none of these can make me who I want to be. At this point, the horizon still seems boundless. I can’t see where will I be heading two, three years from now. I want to be somewhere far… a place where the earth looks like heaven and the heaven is reachable and touchable and the clouds can be scooped like giant pure white cotton candy. I want to be neighbors with Harry Potter, bestfriends even, so I can borrow his wand and make all things magical.

I want a pillow of twigs and a blanket of soil; the sound of the sea breeze humming sweet lullabies far more relaxing than that of Schubert.

At last, I want to sleep.

Jay Chou can make me cry

I didn't know I am capable of being miserable for two straight weeks without letting anybody know of my predicament. My head's been bloated with sad thoughts and my heart's starting to get numb from too much pain. And I am getting numb from all these, happening over and over again that sometimes I feel like getting used to it; it's becoming addictive that I didn't know I am starting to look for the pain when it's not there.

I am so sad. Probably one of the saddest moments of my life. I can't even remember how many times have I been so low. I can only remember a few but they hurt too much that I still feel that funny indescribable feeling (as if someone's pinching your heart) whenever I think about them. Now, it hurts at the same spot. This little space in my chest seems to harbor a lot of hurtful emotions that it feels so heavy and crammed up, I'm having a hard time breathing. I just want to let them all go so I could feel fine again. Never mind the tears, I never run out of them.

And now I am drowning myself to these melodies and words I can't even understand. I just feel I could loose myself in this music with the least worry of getting lost. In fact, I'd rather get lost in the beauty that I hear than snap back to reality and feel my heart ripping into pieces again.


Thanks to Jay Chou, I feel a little better now.

***

I found a letter which I wrote (probably when I was half-asleep because I couldn't remember writing it) in my journal. Am I loosing my screws?

"Funny how I fell for you, and the way you caught my eye..."

It's really funny and when I think about it, I can't help but shrug at the idea. Hypocrisy aside, I think there is still a little something inside me that is going nuts about you. And these past few days have been a painful battle on whether I should or should not like you anymore. It's weird; I think I still like you. But when you open your mouth, I hate you.
The thing is, I don't want to see you. I don't want to be around you . I don't want to hear your voice or even be near you. I don't like to talk to you. I don't want your smile anymore. Because everything about you breaks my heart into pieces.

Is there a sadder word than sad?

Eyecandy, anyone?

Cute. Cute. Cute.
This kid's really cute ... (^_^)

Whew... It's been long and I Miss You... Blog

Because the friggin' internet connection has been busted for the last two weeks, I haven't had the chance to update my precious blog... but hey, I'm back!!! Thanks to my ever-reliable dial-up connection at home =)

Things went by so fast that I all I have are just bits and pieces of what happened the last few weeks. I've been very busy at work (working on the final touch-ups for the second issue of AQ)... oh, and did I mention? AQ (the person) went back from the dead... tee-hee! Snob little dork... what did I ever see in him? Naks...

Anyway, going back to work, with Gela already with the AQ team, I'd say my workload has dropped an inch (or so); the ogre, though, hasn't changed a bit. He's still amused by the fact that he can make my life totally miserable.

Got a new hair-do... or should I call it 'bangs'-do (i just changed my kindergarten-bang-look to a side-sweep-sleek-bang style.


Whatchathink? THis might land me on the front cover of Vanity Fair... hehe... yea right... VAIN!

Pretty Dude #2

Sorry... can't help but post this pretty face...

May mumu...

I don't really believe in ghosts but neither can I explain the numerous times I've experienced strange things happening here in the office, most of the time giving me goosebumps and a creepy feeling that someone (something) is watching me.

Is this a ghost or not?

Welcome Back

So much for vacation.

Yesterday, I had the chance to rest. And I mean rest 'coz I literally drowsed off the whole day. I caught fever plus colds and cough... the usual sakitin me. The drug I was taking made me dizzy and sleepy which actually was a good thing because I felt I really had a rest.

I'm still not well and I'm back in the office. I had a nice welcome from the 'Ogre': The AQ team was given a P12M quota for the year. Whattaf*ck?!?! He's not f*ck*ng kidding and I feel like I'm f*ck*ng sick, much much worse than yesterday. Actually, I haven't even recovered yet. Still barking like a mad dog and my nose is already burning hot from too much mucus wiping (eeewww... my sipon seems bottomless... free-flowing... parang iced-tea... hehe).

I swear... the ogre is too ambitious. As if venturing into publications business is as simple as counting 123... backwards. Hello?!? Isn't it a common knowledge that in any business, the ROI may be achieved not until a year or two? He's asking for a miracle and we're not the Messiah to give him that. I wish the good Bathala would put some sense into that man. Hay.

It's past six already and everyone's still in the office. Pa'no, wala pang sweldo. U-hmmm... some people got no consideration whatsoever for the welfare of their people. It doesn't matter if their wallets are dying of hunger or if their poor souls are being deprived of their desires to indulge in the Christmas shopping frenzy. Tsk... tsk...

Logging off. I've got a resume to update.

Woes on singlehood

I watched the fireworks from Greenbelt kissed the melancholy of the night away by the window of this dark and empty office room. I was with my friend Chin, but for the very first time, I felt so alone. Jolina Magdangal was singing ‘Maybe It’s You’ in the background and baduy as it may seem, but I felt its melodies tugging at the strings of my heart for no apparent reason. I don’t even have a YOU to refer to.

It’s been a while and it feels like forever. This singlehood, I mean. It sounds so pathetic but I really can’t help but think why the hell am I still single. Sure, I have had a couple of (actually just one serious and the others… ewan) relationships. I guess I just miss the feeling of being wooed and that can’t eat-can’t sleep-reach for the stars-over the fence-world series kind of thing when being in-LIKE. Yup, not even in-love. But hey, the latter’s way way sweeter. The other one’s just cute.

Am I being bitter? Probably, but in my defense, I think I am just being normal. Geez, I’m already 24 (malapit na ko sa finish line!) Actually my finish line is 28. So I guess that gives me four more years to find the man I would marry. Seriously. I want to be married by that time. But it seems so soon that I’d rather forget about it.

Just some thoughts.

1. I don't want to be an old maid.
2. I miss kissing someone (hehe... seriously.)
3. I want to have a baby (",)

I guess I've been watching too much Korean soap that I'm beginning to be disillusioned and make myself believe that I can meet my 'Seungwan' anytime, any place unimaginable. That I too, can just bump into him from an airport somewhere abroad and we'll have a few rows, get drunk, discover in the morning that we just had a one night stand, have a baby, marry despite our utter dislikes of each other and then fall in love in the end. Perfect. But it's fiction... not true. Not me.

Hell, I wish.

Korean Drama Addict.

This video's nice... (",)

Celebrity Crush #1

Yup... It's official. Crush ko na siya... ha-ha-ha. Jologs.
This guy from Pinoy Dream Academy.

Love is.

Love is...

... seeing my pop walking my mom down the isle in a very simple church blessing after 27 friggin' years!!! (",)

Today is very special for my oppa and omma as they renewed their vows of 'I Do's' with God as their witness. Mom and pop were never married in the church; just like any other stupid (ooopsss...) young couples, they rushed to having their civil wedding when mom learned that she's a few months pregnant with my sister. But I guess they weren't stupid because they are still together [amid the rollercoaster years of splitting up and making up... the endless fights, especially when pop is a little... okay, totally boozed and mom's nagging is at its peak] and our family is still intact. I remember mom telling us countless times before that she's going to leave pop. First was when I was still in prep, then middle school then... basta, I guess that supposed-to-be-heartbreaking warning just became one of mom's usual threats whenever she's pissed off with the old man. It was nothing really big for us. Now, we're all working, probably living each of our own lives although under one roof, and they're still as sweet as couples in their honeymoon stage. Of course, there are still fights, tears and disappointments but they are facing it together -- with us.

Thank God for this. Pop and mom’s love is magic; a miracle that has been made. I swear our family is not a picture perfect one but, again, God has his wonders. It’s even weird that we are not as solid as other families when it comes to religion but we have one faith. And I guess that is enough to hold our bond much stronger.

More photos here.

The 'Ogre' strikes again

What do you call a person who has a habit of saying things point blank and taking them back three seconds later? I don't know with you guys, but I just find them extremely annoying. Apart from my growing dislike about work, I am getting more and more annoyed by the 'ogre' whom I was actually referring to here at the beginning of this blog.

Yesterday, we had a meeting and just like the same old sh*t I hear from him time and again, I got all the more confused about what are we supposed to do now. I know I am being the bad guy here since he actually asked us if we are clear about our agenda but I didn't dare ask. It's pointless. It's like daring Pacquiao for another boxing match. I'll get psyched out 'till my ego is beaten black and blue and barely breathing. Believe me, between us two, an argument is a word that SHOULD not exist. At least until I find a new job.

I promised myself to be productive; its not fair to vent my mounting loathing about him or of this company on my work output. I even have to prove myself more. So this morning, [even without the momentum I so used to have] I mustered up writing long been overdue articles and send out long been overdue email replies and follow-ups. But to my dismay, he called me and demanded a decision on where do we want to transfer. Yes, by the way, I am saying goodbye to my forever seatmate Wayne (who hasn't been so kind.. tee-hee... kidding...) because the AQ Team has to be together at one area in the office. Ergo, I'm leaving my precious little nook here at the corner; I feel a little sad and excited [about my new working area] at the same time. Anyway, he's asking us to find a place that we want to occupy but every time we point out something, he'll tell us those places are out of the question already. Meaning, untouchable. Gulo eh! It looks like we'll have to settle for the Training Group's area. Haayy...

But in fairness to the 'Ogre', he hasn't been actually that scary and grumpy as before. As Chinchin and the others suspect, he's probably in-love. Yaikks! Honestly, I wish him well about his lovelife if it would mean no psyching out and ego-depletion for us his aliping sagigilids. I just wish he'd stop making things difficult for us, or at least for me. I wish I'd never have to feel disgusted everytime he talks to me or I wouldn't have to anticipate another extreme bashing everytime he's asking about the magazine.

Whenever I go hiding under my seat when he passes by my cubicle, I tell myself that it is the most stupid thing that a person can do -- not literally hide and tuck themselves to the safe confines of their cubicles but feel inferior to another person. Sure, he's a boss, he's the king of this company but we have to remember that without us, this [office] would just be another box in a highrise along the posh Ayala Avenue.

Weekend

Hmm... Good morning Monday!

My horoscope says something interesting:

Your single status has some sexy surprises in store for you once you let yourself enjoy where you're at instead of wondering about the future. Commit to loving this mode of life and you'll have more zest than a lemon.

Nice.

So how long will I have to enjoy this single momenthood? Hehe.

***

Sunday wasn't exactly a rest day. I went with my mom to the 168 / Cluster Mall in Divisoria. She did some 'shopping' for their Church Blessing on the 28th. I could tell she's really excited. Pop might be feeling the same way too but he's just not the type to show it. Finally, mom's wish to get that blessing will finally come true. Linyahan ba naman ako ng: "Anak, fulfilled na ako." Yaikksss!!!

Anyway, I usually get up past 12 nn on Sundays but yesterday, I was up even before the hype on the 'Pacquiao-Morales Fight' welled up. And Divisoria was once again an ideal target for terrorists to put a bomb scare on -- daming tao! And they say the Philippines is a very poor country; but judging the crowd [there] who were shopping as if there is no tomorrow, I would say it's bullshit.

Didn't buy anything for myself. My mom even paid for my snacks. Geez, I'm becoming too poor. I am actually saving up because I wanted to buy them something but I don't know where my money would take me... this sucks. Plus, I think I need a new dress. I would have to wear something decent to their blessing, right?

***

Anyway, I hope this week would turn out right. I have lots of things to do -- way way over my head but I know I can do them. I just need some motivation (^_^)

Classic Dialogue

This morning, I had the urge to buy a Starbucks drink (for the sticker... tee-hee!) My kuya is too kind to offer to treat me to a Toffe Nut Latte (",)

Gela and I had a "Quotable" dialogue before Chin Chin and I went to buy our coffee indulgence. It went something like this:
Thet: Gela, baba na kami... anong gusto mong pasalubong, tissue or stirer? *hehe* Gela: Tissue. (thinks) Ay, stirer na lang...

Tsk... tsk... Classic.

As of today: Got four stickers pa lang... =)

Crybaby

Funny, naiyak ako habang nakikinig ng "My Grown Up Christmas List" ni Kelly Clarkson.

I don't know. Siguro masyado lang akong emotional na tao. Sa katunayan, madaming kanta yung 'pag naririnig ko e naiiyak ako -- ng wala namang kinalaman sa current issues ko sa buhay. Iyakin lang talaga ako.

Pero come to think of it, I haven't actually cried in a long time now. 'Yun bang tipong hagulgol, tulo luha, sipon, laway at kung anong anik-anik. (Hehe... OA na yung laway...eewww) Promise, last time yata e a year ago... nung gabi ng kagagahan ko... haha.

Here's Clay Aiken's version... ganda din... sniff... sniff...

Work is no fun no more...

Today, I came to work late as usual. It was already 9:15 when I logged in. My mind is still full of haze and I can't think straight. All I know is that I'm pissed off that I'm already making a habit out of my tardiness... tsk... tsk... bad. I always try consoling myself that it really doesn't matter if I'm late or night because I often compensate by staying late just to finish what needs to be done for the day. But still, it does make me feel bad.

The funny thing is that whenever I wake up each morning, I care less and less about work... I knew I lost my motivation and I do not know how to regain it. (err... a salary increase might help... hehe). I know myself; once i lose it, i can never take it back.

But yea, here I am, trying with all my might to finish my unfinished business -- the 2nd issue of AQ. On my way here, I kept thinking how those pricks could actually be heartless and just let me do this work by myself. Sure I have my layout artist and Jennie and [yea] chocnut but really, they aren't much help when it comes to developing the entire content of the magazine. I need someone whom I can split half of the writing job with and someone who can do interviews with people we need featured in the magazine or at least do the basic proofreading for me. Because at this point in time, I am doing them all and I'm getting tired... I can only do so much you know.

Plus, the gap-tooth schmuck is back -- what else can I ask for, huh? Bad. Bad. Bad.

Adik...

The time now is 7:46 pm, Saturday... Saturday?!?!?!

Yep... at dahil adik ako... i'm still in my workstation...

Be going home in a while... (^_^)

An Ode to ChinChin (Happy Birthday!)

ChinChin, Chen, Cristine... whatever you call her. She's that sweet lady who can charm anybody who walks on two legs (yea, probably kahit four legs pa, kahit nga yung laging naka-headstand e--- di ba, paa? hehe).

Anyway, a year and a half may not be too long but I feel like knowing you forever. Maybe because you carry within you an aura of transparency, a sensitivity that makes the world laugh and cry with you at the same time.

I remember the first time I met you...'kala ko di ka marunong mag-tagalog... nag-iisip na ko kung sa'n ako huhugot ng English =) Nah, but seriously, the first time I saw you, I know we will be friends... I hope we'll be friends forever... and ever... and ever.


I like the way we see things on parallel perspectives... (oo na, kahit mas matanda ako sa'yo... ng eight months lang!) It's funny how our wavelengths meet... nakakaaliw... minsan parang magic.

You sure are a cry baby but we know that within that 'kutis porcelanang China' is a toughie... sobrang strong ng personality ni bruha... hehe. Otherwise, you wouldn't be that Cristine that we know and we love...

Four days later... HAPPY BIRTHDAY ChinChin!!! MWAH!!!

Just like now.

Yey... I was able to finish a whole novel during the weekend. I've been wanting to read more but I usually find myself staring [blankly] at a book whenever I start flipping through its pages. I am becoming more and more a lazy reader. I remember this guy writing in his blog that if you want to be a good writer, you have to be a good reader. I love reading alright; but sometimes, I'm just caught up in too much work, hatred about work, hatred about almost everything associated with it that I lose interest in reading... rather, I write. I write furiously and almost in a nonsense pallor that my pieces are becoming too irrational when I re-read them. Point is, I'm starting to lose the whole point of it. But anyway, I am too overwhelmed, I started reading yet another Mary Higgins-Clark novel right away. I swear, not too many people may appreciate her, but I like her style. She's a more subdued version of Sidney Sheldon. (I think).

***

Anyway, the heat is coming up to my brains (see previous blog). I'm starting to be too irritated and agitated about almost the simplest and smallest of things. I hope nobody talks to me right now; else, the poor soul would be in a lot of treat (if you know what I mean). I used to be really moody when I was in secondary. I grew out of it when I started working. I realized I needed to be more rational if I want to belong and if I want friends. But really, I can't help it when sometimes, I snap out of a situation because somebody or someone triggers me. Just like now... You're really a schmuck, you know that?!?

***

I want to go home and sleep for the rest of the day. These are the days when I feel like not doing anything at all but write, rant and rave about what pisses me off. And now I also feel like a loser. =(

Whatta Monday.

I wonder what this week has in-store for me.

I've been quite a sleazebag in the last couple of days (weeks actually), after loosing my 'heart' at work. Hmm... how to put it? I just probably felt that working here is pointless. Totally worthless... all my efforts are being flushed down the drain right before my big eyes... sucks. But I've never been happier after a gap tooth schmuck-free week... never been happy. I hope he never comes back.

Seriously.

But hey, despite my overly thinning motivation at work, I still am able to pull a few a strings for the second issue of Asian Quality Magazine -- poor baby. It's good that I love this magazine so much to just let it die a natural death. Mom-me will be miserable... kidding.

To be honest, I am becoming to skeptical about this whole AQ thing. Sad but true. For one, I can't get the support that I need from those people I am actually counting on (well, financially and bureaucratically speaking!). Second, I am working with a**holes... excluding Jen, of course... she's actually one of those people who are keeping me sane all this time. A**holes, you know who you are. Third, seriously.... I 'd rather keep my mouth shut.

Haay... I am looking forward to a happy week... another a**hole-free week. Looks like, I'm wrong. Monday morning and the office (the aircon) is all f**ked up! I feel like being roasted inside a mammoth oven. I know, this place is actually living up to its reputation -- a hell on earth.

Seriously. Why am I being bitchy?

Gloom

I feel pretty bad today.
I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I feel disregarded. I feel Unimportant. I feel neglected.
I feel so unpretty; I feel like nobody likes me.
I feel like a trash, a dump, a garbage.
I feel so alone. I feel like an alien to this cold cold room.
I feel isolated. I feel totally all by myself.
I feel cold. I feel empty.
I feel death crawling inside me.

Kitten vs ChocNut

I need to sign up for Anger Management Sessions.

Just this afternoon, a little past lunch, my immediate superior and I re-lived World War II.

Yes, I was so angry I kind of raised my voice at him. We were arguing right in front of our bewildered colleagues. I guess it's a really bad thing to do - answer back to my superior. But I really just can't help it. He was already talking nonsense and I felt like he was questioning my capability when it comes to decision-making. I feel like he's over-exaggerating things and he's already making a habit out of complicating things, which, by the way, is one of the things I HATE the most.

Not to mention, all these Asian Quality stuffs (my looooooong list of things to do) are way way over above my head and the last thing that I need was him telling me what I should and should not do. It's unfair because I feel like he's not doing enough. Thus, I tend to question his capability to be a good example to me. How can the blind lead the blind? (although I am sure I am not)

But anyway, we sat and talked about it (in a more amicable tone). But really, I can't see the point. I admit I am wrong in answering back; i felt like I did not respect him. My bad. I didn't apologize though. Not prepared to do so.

The funny thing with him and me is that our arguments are becoming routinary. We talk then we argue. Then that's it... we walk off as if nothing happened. He says I am narrow-minded and I keep on blocking other's opinions. The way I see it, he's also like that. He listens to everybody's opinion but mine. I only present what I know is prevailing in the current publication practice; they aren't just my opinions. They're the reality. Then he says there will always be changes. For me, it's really simple: ba't ko papahirapan ang sarili ko?

Really, I just don't get what he's trying to implore.

Then, not to mention this really hateful guy who thinks he's God's gift to ECCI. The gap-tooth schmuck. HoldenGirl says it all.

This is a bad day.

SA WAKAS... AQ IS HERE!!!

YEHEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

ASIAN QUALITY MAGAZINE IS FINALLY OUT ...

wala, masaya lang ako...
pati si bear masaya...
kaming lahat masaya...

on the other hand, medyo (syempre) there are certain parts in the magazine that looks like sh*t... the quality of the print is not that good. As my friend Gela brutally puts it: Hindi siya mukhang international magazine. Hey, I'm talking about the quality of the print ha... not the content... grrr... (defensive)

the boss says: darn, he's now obliged to give me a raise... tee-hee... wish ko lang... sana di drawing... but of course, may mga premonitions na na mas magiging madugo ang second issue... wish me luck...

And so?

12:57 pm

Yes, it's Tuesday... lunchtime already but I haven't had a glimpse of Asian Quality yet... ginagalit yata talaga ko ng printer ah... grrr... Anyway, nothing to do but wait. I can practically hear Guns 'N Roses singing "All we need is just a little patienceeeee" (haaay Lord, if you're listening right now, just give me that... just this once... malapit na talaga akong sumabog)

***

Anyway, while lazily browsing the net (for blogs) I came across an old [estranged] friend's blog. It saddens me actualy to realize that it's been almost 2 (or 3 yrs?) since we last talked like friends. As she puts it: it's been long since she gave up our friendship to help her move on from a very unpretty experience with an old flame [which happens to be one of my best buddies].

I didn't even remembered her birthday like I used to. It's really sad. Though I still wish her all the happiness in life, every achievement that she deserves and finally, a peaceful and serene life with the people she loves even if it means completely cutting me off her life.

But I am thankful that somehow she remembers me, she misses our friendship like the way I miss it. I miss it terribly in fact that instead of going through the hurt all over again, I choose to shun it out of my thoughts. But then, fate lets me read this and I feel the hurt again. I miss her.

I remembered this last blog I wrote about her:

About an old friend (... i miss dearly)

Normally, i would care less about a whole lot of things that i know would not really do me any good. I harbored the idea when once in my life i got really pissed off at someone, got offended, cried like it would never end and felt like a total loser. Consequently, i got mad [at myself] for succumbing to that conquest and i promised myself i would never let it happen again. I want to be tough and forego that 'cry baby' i once used to be. As they say, "No more Ms. Nice Girl"

But being nice and being sensitive are two entirely different things. I can be mean but still be sensitive to the idea of me hurting people (although some people can really be intoxicated by an utter lack of disrespect of others like this queen bitch i know... die bitch... die!!! hehe.. sorry, got carried away). I hate the idea of hurting. I hurt before because of so many things; the usual experiences a person goes through (maybe once or twice) in his lifetime, which i am thankful for because they eventually made me more enduring and faithful. So where am i leading?

While lazily browsing the net, an old friend came into mind. She WAS my best friend. (or so she thinks because i haven't given up on her yet). This friendster thing really is something -- it fills the gap of estranged friends, re-builds burnt bridges or, in this one particular odd case, cut loose the thinning thread that trussed me and this old friend. It's hard (and too long) to explain how it did it, but it just did. I used to be angered by the tought of how it all started -- of how one single and absurd entry made her assume that i was turning my back on her. That i was taking sides, got brainwashed, lost my senses -- became a useless friend. I was so hurt it still stings up to now.

She said she had to cut any ties that bound us for her to move from an ugly past to a better life. She said it hurt her too but it just doesn't make any sense. I did not choose to be entangled in a web i did not create. I did not hankered after to be like 'Samson' wedged between those bashing rocks. It was like i was just caught in the middle of a warfare i did not wish to be a part of. I felt so helpless and offended, i didn't even had the chance to defend myself. It was like being left by a long-time boyfriend for another... guy (nah, i mean girl); Only ten times the pain. It was just -- like that.

Has it been a year now? I don't know... i lost track of time. A few months ago, while busy getting on with my life i saw her at the mall (with her mom). It was like seeing her for the first time (that time when we were still in highschool). i really didn't care if she saw me or maybe i was just pretending i didn't. I knew she saw me, even looked at me with a stranger's eyes, an inept glance that needs no words to say 'The hell i care about you!' The world seemed languid at that moment. Then she was gone. After about fifty seconds of self-debate, i decided i needed to talk to her. I am not that kind of friend who just gives up that easy… no, I am not prepared to loose a friend. i ran after her... i browsed the crowd, hoping crazily to spot a girl with that hot pink shirt. i looked everywhere and gave up eventually.

So much for my illusion that we will be alright. Maybe we will… but in another time. Not just now. I still think of her. I miss those times that we saw the world in one paradigm. Where our minds meet and we care much less about other people as long as we are happy. I often think about our usual girly rendezvous -- malling, [window] shopping, one time trip at the spa, plotting on how to conquer the world and other crazy dreams. We even had this one that we will be successful working girls in the land of Uncle Sam. Well, I guess those will just remain at that. But I still smile at those thoughts. I have nothing else but to wish her well and let her know how proud I am of her [surviving the roughest tests of time]. I know she’s well-healed now and I still love her for it.

And now i am living my life for all its worth. I am transferring to a new job, ready to meet people, new friends, while still keeping the old ones. I present myself to the world -- i need not hibernate. Life, it’s too damn short to waste.

Now, we go on with our lives as if nothing happened. I can tell she is happy and God knows how glad I am that she is. Me? I am still struggling -- with my career, with my lovelife, my spiritual life, my family. But I know I'll get there in time.

One thing's for sure, If I see her right now, I'd never hesitate to hug her.

I love you Tuesday (keeping my fingers crossed)

I wish it's Tuesday already... then the misery caused by the 1st issue of ASIAN QUALITY MAGAZINE will be over. Hopefully, the printer would be able to deliver them finally... I swear, my patience is running thin... If patience is a virtue, then it is a virtue I just don't have [well, when it comes to certain things...]

My weekend wasn't at all good. I was literally a bummer. I just didin't feel like doing anything except watch and finish one whole ChiNovela... pathetic life, is it? The printer actually spoiled my day by telling me they couldn't deliver by Monday (which is today). Bunch of schmucks... they don't know how many heartaches have I endured because of this magazine and I thought they could actually be of any help. Turns out, they're the last strike of bitter fate- the merciless one.

As much as I would like to wallow and self-pity and waste my energy complaining, I didn't dare to. It wouldn't make any difference at all anyway... the magazine wouldn't still arrive and it can't bring back any wasted time. So I must wait. As far as I know, I've exerted enough effort for AQ's maiden issue; there is nothing left to squeeze.

What I am worried right now is how to fill up the pages of the second issue considering that out of the 10+ writers that I've been pestering with follow-ups during the last couple of days, only two have stuck to the deadline. The others, Jah knows what happened to their articles. Nevertheless, I will make them suffer -- kukulitin ko sila!

It's just so annoying, some people can't get a clue. I'm really tired explaining [even to those who are not involve] where the magazine is right now. I was seriously considering putting a post in my workstation : "IF YOU'RE GOING TO ASK ME ABOUT ASIAN QUALITY, THINK TWICE, ELSE SUFFER THE REST OF YOUR ECCI LIFE" or "DO NOT DISTURB, BUSY WRITING HIT LIST".

What do you think?

Hay, stupid alzheimers!

Sh*t, I forgot that I have an interview at 10 this morning with Newslink Agency for the Writer / Editor position that I am applying for! Well, I guess it's goodbye Newslink... deep shite!!!!!

I forgot myself then I forgot you
But when I woke up it was never true....

Wala lang, that phrase just popped in my head like that [note: thet snapping her fingers].

Stupid alzheimers always gets me in trouble. I wonder if it's true: old folks used to say a person loses memory everytime he/she takes a peep of his/her bottom while pooping. Yuck no? Whoever came up with that theory is one sick bastard.

Based on experience, I would say Atkin's Diet really does affect one's memory. Take my case for instance: I didn't eat any food with carbs for eight straight days and I noticed I'm becoming more and more forgetful. Well, I know that's already given but at that time, I was at my worst. Explanation is : lack of carbs results to less secretion of glucose - a monosaccharide or simply sugar, the most important carbohydrate in biology. (since when did I became a Science enthusiast?) Sugar supplies energy to the brain and revs up cellular respiration. Thus, without it, our braincells would actually be weak (... daw, malay ko... narinig ko lang yang theory na yan). Anyway, I haven't actually heard someone credible confirm that theory. Nevertheless, I stopped my "Atkin's Diet" and just let "fats be my-fats". (^_^)

Bottomline is I'm pissed I, once again a prisoner of my own crude and unavoidable but equally hateful forgetfulness, let another opportunity slip right through my small hands.

How fitting can it get?

I feel like the world is falling.. just because of the same old issues that've been haunting me even in my sleep. The magazine isn't out yet and it's almost the middle of October. Really, I swear I hate putting the blame on somebody but it's me who's being there in the firing line everytime this magazine is being talked about... "Thet, when will the magazine come out... Thet, our subscribers are already questioning us... Thet, our advertisers are already asking..." Geez, I want a break!!!

When I finished the editorial content and the layout and whent it was approved, I thought my burden will be over... but hey, I was wrong... still half -stuck in deep sh*t... haay...

See what my horoscope says:

Try not to make more of this than there really is. It's very easy to get caught up in a 'The sky is falling!' mentality, but that doesn't help anything in the end. Feel the panic, let it pass, then get down to business.

Wish it's as easy as that... I don't wanna frown too long.

A Day with Jack Canfield (Who wants Chicken Soup?)

Hah! I never thought I could actually see the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" guy in person, lest snatch him for like ten minutes for an ambush interview and have a picture taken with him...

Thanks to my boss [on such rare occassions] I get to attend Jack Canfield's "Personal Excellence & Organizational Success" seminar this morning. Not that I'm a seminar or a conference sucker... in fact there were only two occassions when I attended such that I didn't snooze while at it... this one and Jim Clark's Breakthrough Sessions Seminar, which I attended last July. That guy was also really funny, you'd literally roll down your seats from too much laughing... a very good speaker.

Anyway, Mr. Canfield was super --- his talk was sooo motivating and I did actually enjoyed listening to it. I feel like I learned a lot and mushy as it may sound... I feel renewed (naks!) My goal: to collect all the books he authored... hehe... I wish... his book's pretty expensive but I think they're all worth the investment.

So it was funny, it was like an adrenaline rush... the 5 or 10 minute ambush interview actually turned into a good conversation, not scripted (take note). All in all, it's a nice (kind'a surreal) experience...

These are some of the quotes (mantras) Mr. Canfield mentioned during the seminar which really stuck to my head: (Sorry, can't remember who exactly said them...)

Habits are only enough to get you what you're getting.

If it's meant to be, it's up to me.

You can't hire people to do your push-ups for you.

Clarity is power.

When they say no, say NEXT!

What you put out is what you gonna get.

Small dreams attract small people; big dreams attract big ones.

Winners are those who make a habit of doing things that losers are uncomfortable doing.

Oh what the heck... go for it anyway!

Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask... Ask...

And my most favorite?

Some will, Some won't, So what, Someone's waiting!