The reason why I love AQ. (A start-up magazine nightmare)

A few more sprints and I'm there. The magazine is almost finished but I can't breathe freely until it is in front of me. Call me an over-reacting prick, but really, these past few days, that magazine has been haunting me even in my sleep. Tsk... talk about paranoia. I think I'm being paranoid that we wouldn't be able to release it. If that happens, I'm gonna kill someone. No, I'm going to murder a bunch of asswipes who made my life miserable while at it.

Geez, it's been months, nearing a year since the concept came up. Didn't think that a start-up is this friggin' hard. That time when my boss told me I'm going to be the project lead for this magazine, hypocrisy aside, I wasn't exactly elated; i was afraid of the responsibility. But hey, who would think that I'll be getting there? 'Yun nga lang, madaming side trips. Like this one time when I was scorned alive by the hurtful words of my boss that I am not doing anything to make this magazine happen. In a way, it became my wake up call and decided to make him eat his words. I became more eager and passionate (err... too strong a word) about this project.

Maybe the problem was really me in the beginning. I did not trust myself enough that I can handle a project as big as this. And I got no motivation at all. All I had were plans in black and white but none of them really did exist. On top of these, people around me are more skeptical than positive that this can really happen. What a bunch of pessimists; how can you expect me to feel differently? Anyway, I'm glad I overcome.

With this kind of job, I have to do away with my indecisive attitude and forget about myself. I have to be 'thick' when necessary. I have to be resourceful and quick-witted. Otherwise, I'd be stagnant. And so I wrote thousands (okay, exaggeration) or hundreds of emails to various people whom I felt are potential subject matter expert writers for the magazine. Most of them ignored my mail while a few wrote back and promised to contribute. But hey, promises are often made to be broken... so really, I didn't hope. I needed a plan B so I relied on referrals. I emailed and made a bunch of phone calls to strangers until I got answers... or more aptly, until I got the articles. I contacted prominent names in the industry and asked for appointments for interview hoping I'd be able to feature them in the magazine. In my mind, we are all people -- they fart and belch like me so I shouldn't feel intimidated. And thank the good heavens, i got replies. (Watch out for IBM and HP in the magazine's first issue). Slowly, I put pieces together until I'm left with only a few to fill up.

Right now, we're still experiencing hell -- the confusion caused by some unwanted entities that (who) does nothing but inflate their egos at your expense. I thank God he gave me my editorial consultant who is too kind, she's always there to lift my hopes up, Em, the newbie layout artist who always puts up with all kinds of sh** and my circle of friends in the office who boost my morale when I am nearing sanity lapse.

The psyching out continues and the skeptics are still out there. But one thing's for sure, they wouldn't get my spirits down. It's too high in-fact, I feel drugged. I haven't had proper sleep these past few days. The magazine still haunts me.

A long story made short (?)

June 30, 2006 (Friday)

It’s the last day of the month. I’m supposed to be happy because at last it’s payday (I sound pathetic I know but hey, one’s gotta pay her bills right?) I’m supposed to be excited about what July has in-store for me. I wonder if there are more financial woes coming or will I be able to struggle my way up from this current deep shit? But then, July means Asian Quality Magazine’s maiden issue launching. And despite my confidence that we will be able to finish the editorial content on time, I don’t think these people around me trusts me enough. And that’s what pulls down my spirit.
I also feel bad about making one of my friends in the office angry at me. He’s the kind of person who doesn’t get mad easily and I pushed him to the limit. I know it’s my fault and God knows I am very sorry. I just find it difficult to apologize to a guy like him. My bad, my ego’s been deflated.
Oh, and I had an initial interview at Federal Land Inc. this morning for the Public Relations Assistant position and I am glad it went well. In fact, they are asking me to come back this afternoon for the exam on logic and the likes. Too bad I can’t make it. I have to finish a lot of things for Asian Quality. Despite the fact that I’m currently on a job hunt, I know my responsibilities and I wouldn’t leave them hanging.
Anyway, I really feel bad I made someone mad… tsk… tsk…

July 1, 2006 (Saturday)

I still have the dark clouds hovering over me. I need to make amends with my friend. But hey, I was trying to make him laugh and make the first move but I think he doesn’t wanna buy it. I feel like I look stupid. So I give up. Be mad all you want… I care less. (there goes my pride again…).
Vida, Cristine and me left the office early to grab some snacks (lunch for Vida) and “talk” (if you know what I mean). We haven’t had this in a couple of months and we missed pouring out our thoughts on each other. I’m glad Cristine is doing very well these days. Vida, on the other hand, had the same sentiments she had even before leaving for Germany and my heart goes out to her. I mean how can one person die in the inside and appear so alive on the outside? Why ask yourself Thet, you’ve been in the very same situation. In fact, you are currently in the same situation. Maybe that is why I can’t help but be very bitchy at times. (I still feel guilty about my friend!)
Anyway, I spent the rest of my afternoon watching Superman with my ‘Kuya” and “Ate” and her boyfriend. I even got (well, we actually) into a fight trying to reserve good seats to complete the deal. But a bunch of gays cut in the line... that made my blood boil. despite the fact that i truly hate getting into one, i confronted them. Some guts I got just for Superman... hay nako...
Eventhough some of my friends find the movie a little off (di daw maganda) i still love it, except the part where Lois Lane suddenly becomes too class and poised... whatever happened to the clumsy one? I like that better.
Anyway, still have no internet in the office and I wonder what would happen to Asian Quality... tsk.. tsk...

July 2, 2006 (Sunday)

Galing mangunsensiya ni Cristine, I can't stop thinking how big a biAtch I was to Wayne. I promise I would make it up to him... I'll say sorry first thing in the morning tomorrow. It's my fault anyway. Sometimes Thet's gotta do what she doesn't usually do (lower her pride) tsk... tsk... first time ito.
I am also preoccupied with thoughts about the Asian Quality Magazine. Geez, it's killing me... what am I going to do? is hanging yourself, 35 floors up from the ground an option? I'm being morbid, I know. But I gotta finish it. I have to finish it. I want to finish it. Determination... that's what kills me.

Pusang Gala!

some blah blah s**t...

In a world where we do not know where and what are we really going to end up, what is the whole point of going too far? The real world doesn't tell us about our future nor it gives any promises that we will be what we want ourselves to be. Humankind becomes evil by its own regard; we are mere angels who fell from the ground. Some took off their wings while others chose to keep them.

In my own judgement, many angels have broken wings. Everyday, on my way to work, while walking the streets, while hailing a cab, I see them -- looking at me. I maybe among them. But then maybe not.

I want to understand why there are so many people who seem to be always looking for something even though blessings are already peering at them straight in the face. They make me feel sad; they make the world cry. And I pity them. What gives contentment? What makes people say 'enough'? What would it take to make someone happy (in its truest sense?). What does it take to see someone give that genuine smile and the tears flow from the heart?

Everyday, in the world that I live in -- the corporate setting - I am disappointed by what I see. People work like machines; as if there's no heart in them at all. I don't mean all -- sometimes, the ones on top are the more heartless kind. The ones at the bottom receive the blow. How can one man feel superior over another when they have the same pair of hands, the feet that keep them attached to the ground, the mind to think what's wrong or right and the heart to feel?

I wish we have the answers. I wish we have the cure for this malady. The attitude is infectious and eventually, it will all lead us to death.

Eight things

(Sorry Kat, this took eons before posting... )

Tagged by Katkat

Once you've been tagged, you have to write eight (8) facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose the six (6) people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

1. I am a heavy (as in addict) coffee drinker. Been trying to cut down for ages... haaayyyy...

2. I have a strong belief na dati ako akong pusang gala. Maybe that's why I like them so much ('wag lang yung sobrang kadiri na).

3. I've seen the movie "My Sassy Girl" more than twice the number of my fingers and toes(^_^). Yessss... I AM A FAN.

4. I have this weird case of last song syndrome (LSS). Yung tapos na yung kanta at may panibago nang tumutugtog pero ang kinakanta ko pa din yung previous song. I find it annoying.

5. My bad mood remedies : Pachelbel Canon in D; Christian Music; Be deaf and mute for about one hour; and FOOD.

6. Madali akong patawanin. Ergo, madali din akong paiyakin.

7. Ang juvenile ko magka-crush... hehe...

8. Addicted ako sa Korean movies at soap ngayon... hehe.

I'm tagging Kai, ChinChin and Katrine. (Sorry, I can't think of anybody else to tag...)

My 'Kuya'

Hay... how time flies. Whenever my mind flies back to yesteryears, I can't believe that I used to help you dress yourself, even make fun of you while at it, asking you to wear my school skirt despite your protests and cries of torment. I am truly sorry.

I remember that time when you were born. I woke up surprised to see that I was hugging 'Lola Inang' instead of mom. It turned out she was out to deliver you into this world. It was funny though because I can't remember being angry at the situation or feeling threatened that someone would share pop and mom's affection; that I wouldn't be the 'baby' of the family anymore.

In fact, I was kind of excited. I shared your crib and even your Cerelac. I accepted the fact that you can have everything that you want because you were YOU. Yes, there were times when we fought like cats and dogs, imitated Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior because of some petty squabbles with 'Ate' as our usual referee.

When I remember those, I can't help but laugh. How you have grown over the years. Sure, we still fight; You still make my blood boil and drive me out of my wits. You still make me cry. But being your older sister, I don't have the heart to be mad at you for so long that I often give in. I let things pass because even though you don't say it, I know you are sorry.

Being a softie isn't a part of you. You always project that 'toughie' attitude that sometimes repel even our folks. Yet you are so caring and so sweet, a loving and thoughtful 'Kuya' who takes care of both 'Ate' and me . Truly, you are the 'Kuya' that we never had.

I thank God you didn't grow up to be a delinquent or a rebel. Instead, you choose to be responsible and be the 'kind' person that you are right now.

An artist, a musician, a romantic -- you are all of these.

You are growing up so fast. You are maturing beyond your years. And I am so proud of you.

'AYLACHU' KUYA!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Mwaaaah!

Cute...

Ang cute... (",)

Behind the enemy's smile...

Has the world turned suddenly upside down? I caught the monster smiling at me; I’m not sure if it was the usual vile smirk I’m seeing but it still gave me that ethereal feeling. It wasn’t true at all. But he did put me in the spot. Was he trying to make amends? Was he trying to win back that sick little kitten ‘who’ was too subservient to be true?

One thing is for sure. I am not giving in. He put up the red flag and now I’m waving it [furiously]against him. And no, I’m not giving in. He pushed… I pushed harder… away from him… away from the ruthless arms that strangles the last breath of self-respect. I’m winning it back; I didn’t lose it in the first place.

Quoting the great ‘Churchill’, “I will never give up…” not until his stone cold heart turns out to be as warm as the smile of a skylark (does it even smile?). For now, I will traverse these thorny paths until I reach the dreamland that awaits me. It’s not too long; it will be soon. I can already taste it – the sweet soothing taste of glory.

- Ode to the monster that gobbled me up whole as a birthday gift -

Eto... Panalo...

Clay Aiken's impersonator Michael Sendeki during the American Idol Finale. Sobrang funny!!!

Bwisit.

It may be this headache that's been killing me for the last couple of hours or I just woke up on the wrong side of my itsy-bitsy bed.
I am really annoyed and pissed off and bothered at work today. it's weird because I can't tell what really causes me this torment but I have a slight idea of what it might be. Ang gulo... leche. I'd bet my bottom peso -- about 75% of my gloomy attitude is because of work. I am f***ing feeling it again -- the helplessness; the feeling that you are nothing but s**t; a freeloader to this profit-making factory (the burning pits of hell on earth). And I swear to God, I know within myself that I'm not even half close to this.
To hell with the people that make me miserable. I love life, it loves me back... die & rot asswipes.

***

premonitions...

10 am- I haven't done much. maybe because it's Monday. We all the have the weekend hang-over. But then again, maybe it's just me...
At the count of three, I'm gonna be officially ill... 1... 2... 3...
I feel like I'm coming down with a flu; a week-long flu that will get me bed-ridden, immobile, useless, hurting all over because of painful joints and aching muscles, light-headed... yet peaceful (^_^) - no workload and s**t...

Sensitivity... the word that kills

I am sensitive – extremely sensitive. I can laugh at the silliest jokes (only I could appreciate) and shed tears a-la-Maria Cristina falls just by listening to Pachelbel’s Canon in D. I wouldn’t try to explain.

Yesterday, my onion-skin like emotional “aptitude” was put to the test. Just when I thought I felt the worst in this hell-on-earth cleverly disguised as a ‘money factory’, I saw what is probably next to it. I was scheduled for a meeting with the Public Relations Manager of this huge company that I was trying to get for the CEO Profile of this (as you all know, I assume) magazine that I am putting together. The meeting place, aside from its unforgivable farness to Makati where my office is, is unfamiliar to me ‘coz I haven’t been there. Adding up to my qualms was the heavy downpour brought about by the first storm of the summer. Our company service was suppose to take me since I arranged for it a day before to make sure that my transportation will be secured. Heaven knows what happened but to make the story short, I ended up commuting my ass off to get to my destination – 30 f*@%ng minutes late. Nakakahiya di ba? Maybe the good heaven blessed my crying soul and granted that PR person to be nice enough not to embarrass me. The meeting went on for about 30-45 minutes and a little before 5pm, I was done. And I thought everything would be fine by then. It turned out my ride home (or back to the office) will not be able to make it as well. Grrr… So I was stuck in land far far away, in a stormy night with noting but self-assurance that I will be okay and I don’t have to make matters worse by being mad about the situation. Instead, I waited patiently for nearly two hours for my heroes – Kaching and ChinChin who went all the way to where I was, storm, traffic and all. I love them.

What annoys me about this whole situation is the reason why everything that was planned was practically shunned to give way to bureaucracy. I hate it. It is vile; it is evil. For the most part, it saddens me that even in a kingdom where there isn’t really any king, that stupid concept prevails. I wasn’t given a ride because the wife (?) of Mr. So-And-So, a high company official, just arrived and needs a ride from the airport. She was given priority of course. And I thought we are advocates of professionalism. Pity. Or, a colleague suddenly needs a ride from where the hell he’s coming from and without the slightest hint of sympathy to that someone (ak.a. me) gets the ride for himself. Jerk.

What saddens me the most is what I often feel about this whole thing – I am unappreciated.

Over-reacting or not, I was pissed.

post v.cay blog

It's only been three days [now] since I got back from my vacation with my family in Boracay but it didn't feel like I really went away for a time. With the load of work that I have right now, I could use some more vacation if given a chance. While I'm here doing all the dirty work to make this magazine a reality, my mind's off somewhere, probably catching some ZZzzsss while basking in the glory of the sun and sipping its favorite choco-banana-peanut shake from Jonas' in Station 1.

It's just so sad.

The little time I had spent with my family during that five-day (in total) vacation was like medication in a way. It, temporarily rid of the incessant head throbbing everytime I think about AQ (the magazine); it made me high I thought I could die =)

I didn't wanna go back until I wake up and prove to myself that this is all just a dream. That I've been sleeping for the past ten months and I was just too tired to break this slumber. The last thing I could remember was that I was a happy-go-lucky business reporter who didn't care about anything or anybody just as long as I could submit my story; then I'm done. I had my own sweet time and I indulge on my craziest whims without worrying at all on anything. Haaay... how did I ever come to this?

You know what the ironic part is? I hate complaining. I hate hearing people complain. I hate being the subject of complaints and I hate myself for complaining about where I am right now. I must stop. Now. Else, I will be more miserable than ever.

How many breaks will I need before I can truly say that I am happy about what I am doing? Ten more Boracay visits? A week in Purto Galera? A month in Baguio where I lived half of my adult life? I guess it's hard to tell. Thanks to these people around me, I still have this little piece of sanity left -- although just hanging by a goddamn thread.

pre-v.cay. blog

i just realized - bitin yung entry ko kahapo... hehe..

i got this from kat and it's pretty neat!

The results of MY analysis say:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

Hmmm... I could say... yea, I'm talkative =)

Been A While

It's been long and I missed updating you -- blog.

I'm being happy these days... I don't exactly know why. It just feels like the dark clouds are finally moving away. This, despite all the problems associated with my Asian Quality -- the magazine. =)

I've been thinking: While it's good to immerse yourself to disparagement once in a while, it is more worthwhile to see yourself coming out of it. The problem with me is that I cannot actually dissociate what I am thinking with what I am feeling.

Sweetness, thy bitter soul!

Why is it that mornings are becoming least and least interesting as each day goes by? She was thinking to herself: How long can people last to endure its sweet repulsiveness? The traffic jams are no more than lullabies to a listless soul, the crowded walkways in the piazza where countless human stink – at least on a glorified level – amalgamate to enthrall your still sleeping wits.

Another day of cold battle, she thought to herself as she made her way [still] giddily to the bathroom. If only she could wash out all that has transpired the previous day and the day before that – if only it’s as simple as that, then maybe life would still be the rainbow-colored realm her childhood has instilled upon her. Or what if these childhood memories are not that even sweet and her subconscious is just trying to keep cover of the hurtful ones? Ah, that is just some lame thought that is being played upon by a sensibility that’s lost and prowled upon by life – the miserable one.

What would it take to regain what was there – that tiny spark of hope, that craving for triumph and the bidding to stay afloat no matter how strong the current goes? What was there was gone the moment her feet took her to the pits of this burning hell; a chaos of the realm – the underworld of the tangible. She had the time to turn back before it gobbled her up whole. She was mystified.

What is that sadness behind her eyes?

just so sad

Because I am too fond of reading my horoscope, here's what it says today:

You are approaching a major turning point today. Get ready to make some changes.

It's a long road, this life, and it's full of big questions. But go ahead and try to work out solutions to the immediate problems. Taking a practical approach might be just the ticket. Clean your room, organize your office, make sure your bills are in order and then go out at night. Time with friends can be a needed relief from all those solitary 'where does this road go anyhow' questions.

It really amazes me. My self is in a complete disarray right now; or at least my thoughts. I thought a quarter life crisis only happens once yet here I am,convinced that I am standing atop a cliff right now, hanging on for dear life.

I feel really bad. = (

18:22

I'm currently pissed off at myself. I know it's the last thing a person should feel (because if you won't love yourself, whoelse will, 'ayt?). I feel like I'm being a pathological liar to my own self. i keep denying things, emotions, feelings... whatever. I feel like I'm masking whatever it is that's inside me. There is nothing more sad than feeling sad within yourself and showing others how happy you are on the outside. Not that I am being sad or anything but I'm not just my old happy self anymore and I really really miss it. I hate being like this. I hate how I usually find myself staring at nothing for what seemed like an eternity without anything on my mind really. Geez, do I need medical attention?
I hate thinking how I felt like I found myself in someone and lost it all at the same time. I did not die; I am hibernating. I am loving the serenity of my own world -- my peace.
Can I ever ever come back?

I slipped and banged my head on the floor...

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you suddenly banged your head and woke up from a deep slumber? That feeling where you felt like seeing again for the first time?

It's hard to tell if what you're feeling [at that moment] is actually true. But you certainly do not want that feeling to just pass you by; you want to hold on to it. It gives you a certain level of exhiliration after being caged [in your own perception of things as dictated or implored upon by whatever's holding you captured at that moment] for quite a long time. I certainly want to hold on to this feeling.

So what's my point? Later.

Isang nakaka-adik na umaga

On my way to work this morning, I'm bombarded with lots of thoughts (ang hilig kase mag-isip) with Manong Driver humming along to the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" song that was playing in the background. Not that it's annoying, but really, it was kind of distracting.
First, I am really furious with my brother for not going home (without our permission) last night. I felt like I tolerated his being a spoiled pain-in-the-ass attitude by actually helping him find the resources for his little outing. Ay nako, that kid will really get it from me later when I get home.

(pause) whoa... My boss is here... I thought he'd be in Cebu today... nyarks... =/

Anyway, just last week, I was caught up in a dilemma about work. Well, I guess it's been solved already. Yesterday, my friend called to tell me that she's turning down the job. Apparently, there were some changes on the original set up that didn't please her much. So I guess the same goes for me. And I guess I'll be stuck in this office for quite some time. Actually, I think it's kind of a blessing in disguise (I hope I am right) since now, I actually have to finish Asian Quality. And did I tell you, the Asian Quality (the person) is coming back... =)

"Panggap" Day

Eto yung mga araw na tinatamad ang lahat ng tao sa opis na magtrabaho... madalas ito tuwing Sabado -- yung mga araw na hinihiling mo na sana ay natutulog ka pa at walang pwedeng umistorbo sa'yo, dahil araw ito ng pahinga.
Eto yung mga araw na imbes na itinutuloy mo ang mga naudlot mong "to-do's" sa nakalipas na linggo, ay nagdo-download ka ng kung anu-anong kanta sa limewire o nagche-check ng emails, o nakikipagdaldalan, o simpleng nakatunganga lang.
Eto yung mga araw na longer-than-usual ang conversations namin with Jean over the phone without feeling really guilty.O di kaya, hindi masyadong pansin kung pumasok man ng late ang mga tao.
Eto yung mga araw na justifiable magsuot ng kung anu-anong damit ang mga tao (rugged, girlash look, mukhang a-attend ng party, mukhang papasok sa mosh-pit, mukhang magmo-mall lang, you decide.) na hindi pupunahin ni Sir Madagascar... hehe.
Eto yung mga araw na hindi masyadong Toxic si Kay, habang nagpapatugtog lang ng music sa 'boom-the-base' nyang speaker. Minsan, generation gap. =)
Eto yung mga araw na okay lang magtitigan maghapon ang lovebirds sa aming maliit na kahon (kung sino sila, kilala nyo na).
Higit sa lahat, okay lang akong mag-blog hangga't gusto ko. (",)

Post-Vacation blah

just the other day, i was sooo excited to tell people about my Hong Kong experience. Well, actually, there's really so much to tell; I just don't have the gusto to write about it. Now, I'm suppose to be working on some things -- my real work and the 'on the sides' -- but hell, just when I am starting to gain my momentum to finish some stuffs for my Asian Quality, Wayne invaded my little own working world to use my PC and I am here at his table blogging myself away. Haayy, this guy, I could really kill... grrr...

Anyway, I am once again torn by a dilemma that only me could answer. My question is, if you're not really happy with what you are doing, but you still have the propensity to do it, would you just give up and flush everything that you've started working on down the drain?

A friend called me up the other day to tell me that she's in need of an assistant in Public Relations (PR) and I am the perfect candidate. In short, she wants me to work "for" her. The PR job is really something that I wanted to do, after my journalism career episode (whoa, did i just say that?!?!). Well, based on her offer, the pay is good but it is not really something to brag about but it will definitely help me go by. And the opportunity to become a core part of a newly-established department in a well-known government bureau is not really something I could just pass up. In other words, I would really love to have that job.

My dilemma: I am not sure if just resigning amid all these Asian Quality madness is the right thing to do. It is already moving and I would love to be a part of this endeavor. I woud surely love to see its first issue printed. But it is not coming out until July, so there.
Second, I will surely miss the company of my friends here -- these people whom I have grown to love more each day. Another working setting would mean another set of people to know and not really please but work in harmony with.

Anyway, I'll have to decide sooner if I really want to get a hold of that job. This makes me sad really.

HongKong Day 1

yey... it's my first day in hongkong and it's really really cool... found this coffee shop that has a free internet use... three more days to go... three more days of [hopefully] heaven... (",)

Mga litanya

March 29, 2006
Miyerkules
Sa Opis.

Buhay nga naman. No matter how hard you try to work things out, they may not always come out the way you want them to. Ang daming tanong sa isip ko ngayon. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? Why am I putting up with this s**t? Alam ko sasabihin ng ibang tao, kung hindi ka na masaya, then move on. ‘Wag mong pilitin ang sarili mo na gawin ang mga bagay na hindi mo feel gawin.’ Sana nga ganun lang kasimple. Kase kung ganun lang, siguro wala akong problema ngayon; walang taong may problema ngayon. Walang spice ang buhay.

Bakit nga ba kinakailangan pang lagyan ng spice ang mga bagay-bagay. Sa lovelife, ‘pag laging magkasundo ang boyfriend at ang girlfriend, sasabihin boring ang relationship. Walang kabuhay-buhay. ‘Pag lagi naming nag-aaway, mauuwi sa hiwalayan. Sa trabaho, ‘pag walang ka-challenge-challenge ang pinapagawa sa’yo, sasabihin mo nagiging stagnant ka, walang growth. ‘Pag may challenge naman, hindi lilipas ang isang minuto sa isang araw na hindi ka magrereklamo sa sobrang dami ng gagawin mo.

Ang tao laging maraming tanong. Minsan, sa sobrang talino pati ang mga bagay na simple lang ang sagot, pinakukumplikado. Minsan tuloy ayaw kong maniwalang may taong kontento na sa buhay nila. Maari pa, madaming taong masaya sa buhay nila – yung mga hindi nagpapaapekto sa mga taong nagbu-bwisit. Yung mga tipong sa simpleng bagay lang, sumasaya na ang araw (ako yata yun). Pero ‘di ibig sabihin, kuntento na sa buhay nila. Marami pa din silang hinahanap; yun nga lang, hindi dito nakasalalay ang buong buhay at pagkatao nila. May longing na tinatawag at hangga’t kaya ay gagawa ng paraan para makuha ang mga bagay na ito. Pero kung hindi kaya, e di hindi. May darating pa. Ganun lang. Nandoon yung pag-asang may darating pa.

Kung bakit ko tinatanong ang mga bagay na ito ay dahil wala lang akong maisulat sa “Message from the Managing Director” na pinapagawa ng boss ko. #

infinite battle to keeping my sanity

yea... I almost got "it" again... almost because even before he erupted, I was able to put out the fire. I don't get it. Why are some people so mean? It's like they get some sort of satisfaction when they make people feel bad about themselves? Do they reach some kind of Nirvana when they show their ugly side to other people? Do they feel like they are the Alpha and the Omega when they see some people cringe at their every whim?

***

do you know that feeling where you seem to like someone but suddenly decided against it because you know it is wrong... or maybe not even wrong... maybe you're just afraid that the entire universe thinks it is not meant to be? have you experienced looking at that person in the eye and see the two of you together and blink only to find out it's all just in the deepest recesses of your imagination? There is longing yet it is suppressed. He touches your hand but you hesitantly pull back afraid that there is nothing really beyond that? I call it "Stupidity". That's me right now.

***

Someone's coming back... but not really coming back. Maybe a preview? I think God just wanted to see me smile even for just a while. In the last few days, I always see that sweet smile of his teasing me -- "Hey, you miss me?" Hell, I do... a lot. I could care less about what others may think. It's been a while, they say. Can't I get over it? Not yet. Not now. I know I am a stubborn little schmuck. But I cannot be the great pretender when it comes to this person. With him, I am an open book. I say what I feel -- yes, amid teardrops and heartaches. So why am I shaking?

arrrggghhhhh

I feel soooooo STUPID. I hate myself this instant.

A poem for a hopeless joint

Your eyes are like chestnuts falling from a tree

They were never fierce nor were too gentle

I gaze at them & they portray our silhouettes

Just mere shadows distant from reality.

I am certain that I know you; but do you know me?

We are strangers, locking arms, chaining hearts

Up to how long 'til our crossroads meet?

There are walls, barriers -- I can no longer reach you.

My eyes are like stars falling from the night sky

In them were sadness, denial, brigtness that fades

You look at them with longing for you and me

Just mere shadows; we're never too far from reality.

One lazy Sunday afternoon

***

I don't actually know why I posted that picture... I guess it's just so lovely.

214

yes, my clock reads 2:14 am and still, I am like a mile away from dreamland. I guess the tall cafe latte that i consumed almost an hour ago is already taking effect. This, on top of my self-diagnosis that I have insomnia. I guess I'm not the only one; i am contemplating on sending an SMS to Kay, ChinChin, Vida and Tere to confirm my hunch that they're still wide awake like me. tsk... tsk... the perils of too much caffeine intake.

An hour ago, the five of us were in Starbucks Old Greenbelt in our stingy pajamas and 'pambahay' short pants (except for Tere who still looked presentable in her jeans and casual top) laughing our a$$e$ off as we recount the happenings in the last 24 hours. And yes, we did the usual bashing -- this time of our recent favorite subject -- the 'Muro Ami' at work. Honestly, I don't know why I called this person that -- actually so don't dare ask.

***

I get really upset when I remember the career opportunity that I've lost recently. Businessworld scheduled me for an exam for the reporter position. I didn't saw their email until last night. The exam was last March 16. I missed it. I pray they'd reconsider... *sigh*

Dahil feel kong magsulat in Tagalog / Filipino

Inspired ako dahil kay Bob Ong. Dahil sa 'Stainless Longganisa'.

Siguro mga isang oras at kalahati kong pinag-isipan kung gusto kong mag-update ng blog. At voila, nanaig ang pagnanasa (pangit ng term, parang may sen(x)sual connotation) kong maglabas ng mga matagal ko nang saloobin simula nang masabon, mabanlawan at maikula ako ni boss.

Isang linggo na ang dumaan simula nang umiyak ako sa pangalawang (o pangatlo?) pagkakataon dito sa ECCI. Yung dalawa work related, yung isa bunga lang ng kagagahan (At least, I rock! hehe) Nakakahiya mang aminin pero oo, napaiyak ako ng boss ko. E pusang gala, ikaw ba naman ang sigaw-sigawan sa harap ng mga ka-trabaho mo, sisihin ka sa isang (actually madaming) bagay na hindi mo naman ginawa. Siguro25% ng mga sinabi nya e totoo -- wala (pang) nangyayari sa magazine na binubuo ko. E nasa early stages pa lang ako e. Kumbaga, baby pa, hinuhubog ko pa lang. Nasa stage ako ng paghahanap ng kung sinu-sinong Subject Matter Experts na pwedeng magsulat dun sa magazine. Teknikal kase, mahirap hanapan ng magsusulat. Kung lifestyle pa siguro ang tema, malamang nai-release na namin yung first issue. Pero hindi ko din masisisi yung boss ko, nadismaya lang siguro siya sa mala-pagong na pag-usad nung matagal niya nang pinapangarap. Ang sa 'kin lang, yung paraan nya ng pagpapagalit, hindi normal, (hindi po ako sanay ng nasisigawan) nakakapanginig ng taba. Hay nako...

Anyway, naka-recover naman na ko matapos ang ilang araw ng pag-iisip-isip. Kung magmumukmok ako at magtatanim ng sama ng loob, walang mangyayari -- tatamaring magtrabaho, papangit ang output ko, mapapagalitan (na naman), mapipikon ako, magagalit, iiyak, magre-resign, mawawalan ng trabaho, magiging isang malaking palamunin sa bahay, hindi makakabayad ng bills, madedemanda, magpi-feeling kawawa at ... syempre, ang layo na ng naabot ng imahinasyon ko.

So, mas pinili kong gawing hamon ang isang scary figure na katulad ni 'grandpa' a.k.a. my boss. Kung may dapat man akong katakutan, hindi siya yun -- pwede pa ipis na lumilipad tsaka dagang kasing-laki ng kuting. Parang sa teleserye, babangon ang bida at isasampal sa mukha nung antagonist nahindi siya basta-bastang pwedeng maliitin. Sana nga ganun, no?

***

Happy naman akong tao, mababaw lang ang kaligayahan - a week-long get-away to Boracay lang. Syempre, biro lang. Yung mga kababawan ko, mga simpleng kaligayahan sa buhay tulad ni Asian Quality (na tao), ni Anime (na tao ulit) at ng isang tall affogato style vanilla frap with a shot of espresso sa Starbucks, sila yung nagpapaganda ng araw ko; sila ang magdidikta ng gana kong kumilos at dumaldal sa isang buong maghapon.

Idagdag pa natin ang magulo at maingay na mundo ng Solutions. Sila ang mga taong kayang mag-cartwheel habang sumisinga, magkwento ng nakakatawa habang umiiyak at mang-impersonate ng mga taong walang kamalay-malay sa buhay. Mahal ko sila. Mahal din nila ako. Mahal namin ang isa't-isa. Masaya kami. At oo, mahilig kaming magpa-picture (say sex) Ayayay!

Yan lang muna, kakain muna ko ng walang kamatayang meal from Uncle George -- McDo.

Rockin' Pachelbel & a stranger

This guy really rocks... hehehe... whoever he is (",)

I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. The pastfew days at work have been like one for me. So I thought I needed something to cheer myself up and bought me another Jim Chappelle cd -- Serenity Rush.
Again, it's worth the 'investment' ... and it makes me really really happy so why deny myself, 'ayt?
Anyway, I'm missing this person... really... too much.

furious thoughts

one thing that could really piss me off is when people overdo things. and by that i mean complicate them. the best way to accomplish something is to do it the easiest possible way, right? i hate it too when some things are settled then they will be turned upside down just because a 'know-it-all' does not think they are within or beyond his standards. God I love you, but why do you have to create such monsters...

I am furiously typing away in my keyboard hoping to accomplish something today... i did or so i thought. I spent the entire morning stuck in the Asian Quality meeting. I swear I could see some great battles ahead... not just between me and the magazine but between some people as well. I refuse to elaborate. Oh, and yea, I lost another ten pounds... and ten more pounds to go on the day of the business planning this weekend.

(half an hour later...)
And now, we're having second thoughts whether to push through with the business planning cum team building activity again this weekend. Looks like we're moving it again (for the -nth time). I mean ya no harm but it's just mentally tiring having to plan things all over again and again and again. *sigh*

It's 5pm and I want to go home.

The upshots of caffeine addiction

I'm late for work as usual; my brother nearly strangled me for taking too much time infront of the mirror. I just have this crazy but equally justifiable notion that looking good is a sign of respect. I mean all the effort in the name of advocating aesthetics has its value.

Anyway, that is not really my point. My coffee addiction is taking its toll -- I'm having severe palpitations early in the morning, and not to excuse myself from doing work, I really feel sick. It's as if I have this big lump [of air] in my chest that unregulates my breathing pattern. I really want to scream at the top of my lungs to let it all out. Then maybe I will feel better.

I don't know if coffee can really keep me awake; sometimes I am convinced that I just drink it out of habit. COffee-less mornings are not usual anymore and a trip to the nearby Starbucks cafe or Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf at least once every two weeks (or actually, whenever we feel like it) is becoming part of my clique's routine. I wish I have the guts to never drink coffee again in my entire life. But now, I guess, indulging myself a little more is just what I need.

Theme Songs

Dedicated to Cristine and 'Moks' (",)



Dedicated to Ka-Ching



Dedicated to Wayne



Dedicated to Vida



Dedicated to Jean

Boredom 101

11:42 am (haven't consumed anything edible yet, 'xcept coffee)

hmmm... what if i just drink coffee the entire day and not eat anything at all? what will happen? will i die? sorry for such an idiotic question. I don't have the right to feel bored at all considering the piles of things that i am suppose to accomplish within the day. but i can't help it... boredom is killing me.

Boredom is a reactive state to wearingly dull, repetitive or tedious stimuli; suffering from a lack of interesting things to see, hear or do (physically or intellectually), while not in the mood of doing nothjng.

WARNING: Boredom can also occur as a symptom of clinical depression and may also lead to impulsive (and sometimes excessive actions ) that serve little purpose and may damage one's self interest.

Thanks Wikipedia. Yes, I got the definition from it.

Geez, then i must really be in trouble now... I can feel that I am slowly losing interest in everything I do that sometimes, I just wanted to hibernate (for about a month if it's possible). I feel like I am talking nonsense everytime but at the back of my mind, things to do are reeling like crazy, i don't really know where to start. If I'm that filthy rich-spoiled brat kid, I'd probably have an anxiety attack. But Boredom is just how I would put it.

My momentum [at work] is like a roller coaster and what I really hate is this nagging feeling that I don't really care. I think of crazy thigs and I get easily pissed. I don't want people to look at me and I don't wanna look at them. Congenial suddenly lose its meaning.

Now tell me, am I just really bored or am I becoming half-insane?

Mga Usapang Pulitika between Thet & Cristine

One lazy Tuesday afternoon, while browsing on the net for some updates on the coup 'd etat ( i am still not giving up hopes of getting work called-off because of another mammoth protest-rally along Ayala Avenue) and my friend Cristine ferociously typing on the keyboard her 'to do list', we ended up talking politics... ayayay... sus... hindi bagay.

Knowing me and Cristine, our usual tittle-tattle revolves around work, the latest fads, shoes, bags, movies, her 'K-Portal', my 'AQ' (both referring to persons actually), making fun of Wayne (the Chinese guy who logs off at exactly 5pm everyday) or our dearest Ka-Ching. It must be the chocolate mousse and the sylvanna that we consumed a while ago; yes, it must be the sugar rush and the excess seepage of glucose in our systems.

That little conversation went something like this:

Thet: Ano ba yung proclamation 1017?

Cristine: E di yung State of Emergency ni Gloria...

Thet: Alam mo kase yung pag-declare ni Gloria ng State of Emergency is a subtle way to suppress... (thinking)... hmmm... yung malayang pamamahayag...

Chin: Yea... hmmm... (nods)

Thet: Yea, kase pag ganun, hindi sila basta-basta pwede maglabas ng kung anu-anong balita... may rason ang gobyerno na basta na lang sila damputin...

Cristine: Kase ang problema sa Pilipinas, masyadong lax ang constitutional law...

Thet: OO nga...

Cristine: Unlike sa China, kahit communist, may control ang mga tao sa government kahit pa'pano...

Thet: But hey, you know what, di ba yung mga Pilipinong komunista, idol si lolo mao (tze dong)... because of his principles... sana ganun din dito... i prefer that actually...

Cristine: Syempre bakit...

Thet (joining in) ... pulitika pinag-uusapan natin...

Sabay tawa!!! haha...

Really, what's happening to the world?! (",)

Cynicism bit my head off

i wonder if it's this book -- Beijing Doll by Chun Sue -- that i am currently reading that's giving me this cynical mood today. I mean, with all the things that have been happening lately, especially the never-ending political woes and the society's irrepresible trip to disparagement, it is becoming pretty hard to face the world with a bright outlook and an encouraging smile.

I was watching the news late last night and everything it offered was still about the coup attempts, the finger-pointing in the government, Malacanang washing its hands with the recent arrests of some popular figures that were very transparent about their dislike of how things are being run by the government -- the subersives and the 'filibustres'. I AM one of them.

Cynicism, I guess, is spreading like wild fire in a forgotten forest. We are the dried twigs that one spark of malady could ignite a thousand folds. How sad it is that barely a month has passed since this nation felt whole, felt proud with the 'Manny Pacquiao and Bryan Villoria victory'. It's as if everything just evaporated into thin air. Now, all you hear are bouts of anger and disappointment, cruel wishes to let the battle begin and let the coup happen. Even thoughts of Malacanang burning with all the "trapos" helplessly trapped inside. Then, Ayala is so full, confettis are scattered in the streets while thousands of people convened to stage another rally. Yes, I must admit I can see those thoughts vividly. I AM guilty of entertaining them. Then maybe, work would be called-off again; I can go home and sleep.

Oh, Work. I am having a hard time remembering what it means. It's only a four-letter word, yet it's that powerful that it can make a person cry, not sleep and kill himself eventually. I never imagined that would be such a pain in the a$$ until I stopped doing what I love to do -- write.

Good heavens, please let there be another rally...

'Coz Im into goofheads...

My 'unofficial' boyfriend Cha Tae Hyun (",) and 'Rain'

Coz I like goofheads... hehehe

Here's Cha Tae Hyun... He's a goofball... that's why i like him.

Addictive...

Geez, I'm soooo in-love with this music (Pachelbel Canon in D) and this movie...

On horoscopes, clairvoyants and the likes...

i don't have anything to write and it pisses me off. It's like reminding myself that my life ahora is one big bore. This scares the hell out of me. I just wish something interesting would come my way.

Boredom kills me above anything else. And I don't wanna die useless. It's funny how I become too melodramatic sometimes that I think highly of myself -- an ultimate creation that someday I will die a hero.

Anyway, just when I thought I couldn't blabber any farther, I was suddenly reminded of a very interesting horoscope forecast about me yesterday. It says something about me having 'a sudden bolt of affection towards someone that i just met'. Ngii... I wonder, ano na naman ito? Hehe. Not that I really believe in astrological stuffs like this. Sometimes, it just really amazes me. Have you ever been in that instance where you are actually convinced that your horoscope might just be true because it fits in the current situation? Actually, I don't really rely on the stars when it comes to my fate. Horoscopes are just fun... something to think about when you're mind's losing it all. And hypocrisy aside, it kind'a boosts your ego when your reading is in your favor.

Then there's this clairvoyant named Sara Freder who keeps appearing in my mailbox, saying things like how my luck is very nil and how she holds the answer to having every wrong in my life go right. I really wanted to believe her. If only her fee will not cost me a whole month of my salary... hehe. nevermind, I think I can handle my life well, go through it without any mystic interventions and still be the happy-feeling-lucky me that I am.

incomplete memoirs

this afternoon, while looking after my mom's store, i had fun watching these little children do some crazy things while playing. it brought back memories of my own childhood; they never fail to amuse me.

while we believe that kids say the darnest of things, i'd say they too perform the craziest of antics. take these two young lads that were staging a breakdance in the middle of the street, for instance. neither knows how to really dance but both looked really eager to outscore the other. one did a somersault while the other watched in awe. by then he knew that he's defeated. a minute later and he was asking his other playmates to come up with another game.

then there were these two girls who were debating over who's going to be the "mom" in their bahay-bahayan game. neither was willing to give up the role. i wondered why. then i found out that John, this new balikbayan kid was playing the 'dad' role. both has a crush on him. tsk... kids today.

i asked myself: was i like this back then? i was afraid of the answer. i seriously hope not.

what i was before was a normal kid who was easy to please. i played fair and never had a crush until i was in grade six. or was that not normal?

A cup of coffee and the infinite tantrums

The past few days have been a spiral of blurry images that I refuse to just flush down the drain. I am the type who wants to document everything that has happened at a day's work -- be it worthy or not. Having something to look back to is one of the most precious possessions someone could have.
Lately, I've been seriously contemplating in turning yet another leaf in my life. That is to say I'm getting bored in the routinary things I've been doing lately. I sleep past 12 midnight or sometimes, when the good Bathala turns his pitying eyes on me, lets me sleep a little earlier like 10 pm. I a convinced I am an insomniac. I usually come around at 5 am, annoyed by the incessant beeping of my mobile-turned-alarm clock, only to snooze it and go back to deep slumber. And so my day starts an hour later, thank God I get to witness another day of miracles and wonders and leave a promise that I'll be nicer (or atleast try to be). Work starts the moment I'm beyond the confines of my domicile. Since I'm a little over my budget, I try to commute through the good old reliable Ayala loop FXs and see the real world through my co-commuters' eyes... a.k.a. long queue to the FX stand, morning rush, heavy traffic and traffic police scalawags who are preying on colorum vehicles [usually the one that I'm in] for some "blessings."
At work, I race myself against the red asterisk our HR manager loves putting beside our names in the log sheet at the strike of 8:30 am -- a palpable sign that we're late. I turn on my PC, my speaker and listen to my morning hymn -- the Pachelbel's Canon in D or sometimes when I crave for them, the Prayer of Jabez songs. I yawn, slouch on my bon-bon chair, yawn some more and curse myself for being such a sleepyhead. My cup of coffee always does the trick. I am such a heavy coffee drinker that I could drink up to four mugs a day. Oh, and yea, I also get a lot of scolding from Cristine whenever I get those severe palpitations from too much caffeine in-take. My a$$ is glued to my seat the rest of the day, trying to figure out my next step for the damned magazine project that I am currently handling: Call this, call that, email this, email that, write this, write that, reasearch this, research that, God, I can go on and ramble about this for like eternity. A third of my total workload ends in procrastination; half is accomplished amid the groups' occassional laughing fits and Ka-Ching's cigarette breaks.
When I get tired staring at my monitor, my brain cells would automatically give signals to the nerves in my palate-- by then, I'd know that I'm hungry. Honestly, I am always hungry and I have this assumption that I was a fat, no, an obese man, in my previous life. And so, we'de go hunt for food, slightly elated by the fact that I have an excuse to see the outside world. I'd crave for all kinds of food -- from manang's squid and chicken balls to mini stop's hot loops, to jamaican patties (this often irks the hell out of my posse... the jamaican pattie stand is quite far from the office but since they love me, they often give in to my juvenile whim). I glance about a dozen times to my monitor clock, half-euphoric that the day would be over soon and half-dismayed that I haven't done anything to boot ("according to me").
The clock would strike 5pm and Wayne, the new Chinese guy in the corner, would get up from his seat to log-off... or is it the other way around? Wayne would log-off and the rest of the office people would know that it's already 5pm... hehe. We often tease him about it. By this time, my day "officially" starts. My momentum to work would suddenly sky-rocket as if it's only seven in the morning. (Refer to my friendster blog, "Tag-Praning...During such moments") I'd work to my capacity, make up for the wasted time of staring at a blank monitor screen for hours during the day. By this time, I am predisposed to writing novel-like blogs without feeling guilty for doing so.
Who said I had an 8-5 job? It's actually an 8-to-whatever-time-I-feel-like-going-home type of job. Take this for instance. It's 12 midnight and we're still here in the office. The Solutions graphic artists finishing some designs for the K-Transfer project with Vida's supervision, Cristine finishing a powerpoint presentation, Ka-Ching helping out and me, finishing an agenda for tomorrow's Asian Quality meeting while writing this blog.
Tomorrow at 5 am, my mobile-turned-alarm clock would beep, its naturally annoying ring tune tearing my serene slumber apart and I'd go through the whole routine all over again.

Moonriver makes me cry

Sunsets...
Aesthetically kill me.
The cry of the moonriver digs upon my soul. From it
The water that periodically heals my heart
Now flows upon the soil of thy silence. No more beating.
Serene.

regrets? I surely hate this word.

hah... i was browsing on my blogs at myspace when i came across this blog that i wrote when i had given up my journalism career... I don't exactly know what to feel after reading this:

Sunday, June 19, 2005

the first time i quit (my job) Current mood: okay i'm counting the days and alas, i will be free!!! don't get me wrong... actually i'm a little sad about this thing. well, you see i just quit my job to move on to what they call as "greener pasteur." i just think it's about time... my friends think too and just about anyone agrees with it... even my cat, Sparkie. In less than a month, i will be transferring to a new office, a posh structure (not really, i'm kind'a exaggerating here) in the busy streets of Ayala Avenue -- the Manhattan prototype in the Philippines... atleast in my opinion. Then, i would have to actually get used to glue-ing my ass from 8 to 5 a day at the office. I will sooo miss those times when i can be lax at work, having my own schedule and everything and also the fact that i could just run and hide, hibernate for all i care in the middle of it all, hide some place (safe) where my editor can't reach me... hehe! just kiddin'! I would no longer be the 'glorified corporate gossip' that i've always claimed to be. i will miss the people whom i have work with in the three progressive and productive years as ... much less the people who made my life a scorching hell in this span of time... i still wish them to rot alive. so what made my decision? i would be such a hypocrite if i'd say it's just for personal development, although it is partly because of that. i just felt that this is one hell of an opportunity that i can't just flush down the drain. if i do, it would hunt me forever and i'll end up dying anyway. the fact is that the compensation is great (think: monthly bills, credit cards, etc -- i need a higher pay!), the company is in good standing and most of all, i just needed something new. i couldn't help but compare myself with Sophie Kinsella's shopaholic girl sometimes -- not that i'm a shopping sucker, but we do have the same dilemmas... cut back or earn more. i choose the latter. so it's up to me now. to show the world that i'm beyond just a newspaper person. i can live in the corporate world. i just believe that once i've put one foot forward, there's no turning back. i just had to take that giant step and see where it would lead me. wish me luck =D

see? hmm.... sorry, can't help but shrug my shoulders and *sigh* for the -nth time...

Mga Pusang Gala

They made me smile like this ---->>> (^_________,^)

"People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life... "
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart..."

Why do i have to work on a Saturday? (^,__,^)

I wish they would just declare Saturday as a non-working day. I sooo miss spending Saturdays at home with my pop, waking up at noon, watching Unwrapped, Iron Chef and Look for Less while curled up on the couch all afternoon. Then by 2 pm, I'm snoozing again, I only get up to take a bath, get something to munch on or if i get so tired lying down. hehe... i am practically a bum A$$ when at home. Except when miracle happens and I feel like doin' something, I'd do all the house chores.
This is one Saturday when I feel like doin' all that. I wish I am home. Or somewhere far... watching the sunset.

Trip

haayyyy... i finally had my long-awaited vacation last weekend. My sister brought me and my kuya (a.k.a vinz) in her 'official' business trip to bacolod and iloilo. I was elated by the mere thought of going far away... from work... from everything that has something to do with Asian Quality. I just wanted to get out from the real world. As Olivetti put it: "I live in the real world... I get to see its ugliness everyday..." And I wanted to see something new.
And so, at 12o0 hours last Friday, we were already aboard Negros Navigation's St. Joseph the Worker bound to Bacolod with a bunch of oldies (my sisters' business guests). The trip lasted 20 hours or so but I didn't really mind because being aboard a ship is one of my most favorite things... sad though, i didn't get to watch the sunset 'coz i was asleep the whole afternoon. i just woke up in time for dinner.
At exactly 9:30 am the next day, the ship docked at the Banago Port in Bacolod. Whew... when was the last time I've been there? A year ago? Yea, it was my mom's birthday and my sister and I were away in the South with my friend Tere. I was really looking forward to the day's trip. The first trip was in Victoria's Milling Sugar Refinery-- the Azucarera Victoria where I literally walk atop a mountain of [unrefined] brown sugar. You know what was the big question in my mind at that time? Where have all the ants go? If I were one, I surely would love to put up my own community there. It's a bad thing cameras were not allowed inside the facility. I was really pissed because I wanted to document the whole thing -- from the hundreths of trucks loaded with sugarcane that were lined up en route to the actual refinery up to the mountains and mountains of sugar stocked in big warehouses. They smelled delicious -- I can't help but taste them... hehe...
We then had lunch in this old roadside canteen -- i just wish the food had satisfied my palette well. The place was nothing really fancy and the food, I must admit, tasted like I (yes, me) cooked it. Hey, but they were free so why complain?!?
I was in-touch with my friend Cristine the whole time, checking if the real world still does exist.
The next stop was in the Balay Negrense where I saw my dream house for the very first time. It was an ancestral home owned by a certain Gaston family. I swear the house has its creepy feel in it but it was so old that you'll get the feeling you want to live during the pre-hispanic era.. forgive me but history has its wonders that perpetually amaze me. Well, I didn't actually enterd the house. the keeper does collect a P40 fee and I was feeling really kuripot at that time so I just lingered down the porch and den area. i thought that was enough. I saw enough and one day, when i get filthy rich, i would built a replica of that house at the heart of Makati City... Bwahahaha!!!
The rest of the afternoon was spent worthlessly reading my 'Angels and Demons' pocketbook while being eaten alive by mammoth mosquitos in 'Las Palmas'. I swear I am praying hard that there isn't any outbreak in Bacolod, else I might have been infected. My insect bites are larger than a ten peso coin and they are so frigging itchy i wanted to peel my skin off.
The night in Bacolod was like any other night outside of Manila. Eight O'Clock was like 12 midnight. Nobody wonders off and most establishments are already closed. We ate dinner at this infamous Bacolod Manokan Country where I once again proved that there's nothing like Chicken Inasal but in the city it originated from -- a quarter of authentic chicken inasal and my night was more than complete.

Sunday: 5 am -- All the 'trippers' were up and ready for the one-hour ferry ride that would take us to Iloilo City. I was excited. Apart from the fact that it was actually my first time to visit the place, memories of my good old buddy Mark came flooding my mind. It was his hometown and I miss him heaps.
We joined the Dinagyang parade 'accidentally' because my sister's company is a sponsor. They were all wearing this white shirt NN uniform and me and my brother looked like we just went out of bed, straight to the streets and decided that we wanted to join the parade. It was fun though knowing people were thinking "who the h*** are we?" I mean I was literally in my pambahay attire. If there's one thing I'll never forget about the place, it was the warmness of the people. I swear I'll come back.
The entire day was spent roaming around the streets of Iloilo, finding treasures that i never would back here in Manila and ignoring some people that were not happy that we were there with them during the trip. hell i care...
show you some pictures next time.... mwah!

Random thoughts

Last night i was writing on my journal and i kept wondering why is it that when I am writing on my blog, i can't seem to translate my words into a cohesive piece but when i write on my journal, thoughts kept coming like a tide on a windy day. The old journal trick still does it... I was thinking about the most beautiful thoughts that could make my day while cursing the office aircon for giving me a torturing headache (it was literallyblowing on my head).

So what are these thoughts?

> Me, bumming around 'til sun-down at the beach
> Me, getting a good massage and a body scrub
> Or, me at the beach having a good massage (forget about the body scrub) =)
> Me aboard a ship going somewhere South (watching Sunset on the ship's deck)
> Having dinner with my friends at home or at a friend's place after a busy day at the office
> A looong vacation with friends... (like the Puerto Galera thingy!)
> Me in my room reading a heart-wrenching novel
> People-watching with my people-watching buddies, Tere and Chin-Chin
> Me, staring at an empty space for hours
> Me and my cup of coffee
> Me, movie-marathon-ing on a Saturday night
> My cat Sparkie returning home (she ran away... ) =(
> My mom and pop celebrating another year of being together
> Vida doing the 'May Jowa na Ako' dance steps (hahahaha!!!)

Waittaminute... I've been writing forever, and all I can read was ME... Okay, let's be superficial and think about the others...

> George W. Bush, Jr. and Osama Bin Laden 'kissing and making up'...
> The same with Erap and Gloria
> Or better yet, Susan Roces and Gloria Arroyo
> Manny Pacquiao's glorious winning moment
> Mayor Duterte for President [i can just imagine]

Okay, I ran out of thoughts already...

so?

hmmm... i wonder if altering my working area would cause a change in my working habits... my new place is kind'a exposed to the entire ECCI community that I wouldn't have the nerve to catch some Zzzz's during working hours (my favorite pastime at work... hehe!) Anyway, I like the fact that I am facing a wall instead of a bunch of moving heads; they're kind of distracting anyway. I just miss having the view of the outside world...

work-related dilemmas

*sigh* and i thought this day could be a little more friendlier to me. It's still more than an hour before I could end my agony... this is a bad sign, is it?
Work and fun used to go together. It was an equation. I don't know what happened but it seems they've decided to go separate ways now. It's either work has no room for fun or fun just doesn't want work involved. Whatever it is, I just have one thing in my mind right now -- I wish they would reconciliate soon.

'Coming Through'

Yesterday, I bought Jim Chappell's latest album 'Coming Through' and I haven't stopped listening to it until now.

I am not a music critic or anything like it but I'd say his piece is one thing that is worth listening to. I especially like the 'Lark Story' and 'Heartless Love'. But still, nothing compares to his saddest piece, 'Almost Goodbye'.

I really don't know but I can't remember when I get started liking piano pieces or the sound of soft musical instruments like violin and cello for instance, more than the usual loud and aggresive alternative rock music I have grown accustomed listening to ever since highschool. Am I really getting old?

I remember my friend Chin-Chin listening to a bunch of piano pieces one lazy afternoon in the office and how I teased her about feeling like we're in a hotel lobby, and even worse, in a department store. But since then, I fell in-love with the music.

It fascinates me how the sound can paralyze me and take me far from the trepidations of the real world. I am awed by its capacity to put me into slumber, efface my worries and soothe the scarred emotions I've been masking with the most blissful smile I could ever master.

When I listen to these pieces, I could feel that I'm whole, intact and worthy. I can see life in all its colors and wonders; I know that I am boundless. So, for what it's worth, I am thankful I have found my music.

Insensitive...

My friend Kay says this song hits the bull in the eye. What do you think? (^_^)

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound of a voice
You’d know anywhere

Oh I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart it’s a crime
To fall in love again

Oh you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive

'Surreal but... errr.... nice?'

Was it nice? Hehe...

Yea, I think seeing someone (that you are not expecting to) after some time is like seeing that person for the first time. I was awed by the brevity of the situation and the impact it had on me that up to now, I can't erase that little encounter off my mind. Maybe I was afraid that it might feel a little awkward (knowing what happened the last time we saw each other) but I was happy it wasn't that way. Yea, it was a nice experience altogether. And I can look back at it once in a while and just smile.

hayyy

Far from the hustles and bustles of the busy streets of Makati.

Sometimes when I go praning, I go up the building rooftop... (kahit bawal). it's an entirely different world up there. Try it. =)

U-oh! Here I go again...

Had I not convinced myself enough that it's over... done with... no more... nada? I hate to think this way... I'm still battling the thoughts; furiously wiping them off my mind for It SIMPLY wouldn't do me any good. There are times that when I need to take them out of the vial residing in my head, I indulge myself in such sweet [aching] thoughts and they make me smile without any pretentions but today isn't one of those times. Today, I wanna shut my mind off any memories. They make me sad... really sad. They make me feel bad... they make me doubt myself which is apparently unhealthy. So why make myself suffer; why inflict pain upon myself?
ENOUGH.
I wish this word was much more stronger.

Happy?!?!

The "nose", the "wala lang" and the "geisha"... mwahahaha....

... during one of those cigarette breaks with the only smoker among us three... ("the nose")

... we weren't tired; we were exhausted with too much gas intake from too much laughing...

... because we are happy people...

Just another Manic Monday...

Hmm.... I could practically hear the Bangles humming to my ears... "It's just another Manic Mondaaaayyyy...."
My list of things to do have grown a little longer since Saturday after my meeting with the Editorial Consultant. I can't say that I am pleased with it but I feel okay about it. I mean, besides having no option at all, I kind'a promised myself to be a little nice to this whole AQ stuff. In fact, I think I am beginning to like the idea (because in all honesty, i was in deep doubt when this whole thing started... so sorry!)

new year... old habit...

Who says new year compels people to shun their old ways and start anew? I have always been a fan of new year's resolutions but it was such a waste for me because i don't get to keep those promises anyway. Now, I'm through with it. Instead I thought why not indulge myself a little more in those old stinkin habits (ei, as long as i done yeh none harm, i'm good, ait?)

Ten things I'd like to keep (doing) this year:

1. Drink coffee anytime I feel it. But not more than 3 cups a day this time.
2. Drink Coke -- doesn't matter if it's sugarfree or not. I still get fat anyway.
3. Indulge in longer than usual sanity lapses. In other words, patulan ang mga araw at oras na 'tag-praning' ako. Hehe...
4. Buy books that I never get to read, which stay untouch on the bookshelf for a month.
5. Buy pirated DVDs. What can I do, the original's too expensive?!?!
6. Sleep or take long naps (to put it nicely) while at work.
7. Stay up late... (for Conan) hehe...
8. Watch stupid shows like Jerry Springer
9. Eat a lot --- of chocolates.
10. Write when i feel sad, bad, mad and happy!!!

Happy New Me?!?!?!

gooooddd morrrning...

it's been a good morning so far. i just hope no asswipes would destroy my very beautiful day (",)

Coming Home

After more than four months of living sort of independently, I am finally coming back to my parents' house. I've been thinking about this the time I set foot on my pseudo-abode but still considered moving anyway. And now, I am half-hearted about the whole thing. Part of me wants to stay and savor [more] my so-called bitter-sweet independence while the other part is yearning to go home, to my own room, sleep on my own bed and just be with my family.

Looking back, I have come to realize that half my life, I've been away from home. After highschool, I started living on my own, far from the confines of the safety of my home in Manila. My school was far up north where I do not have any relatives to run to just in case something bad happens. But the whole experience turned out to be one of the biggest achievements of my life. It taught me that the world goes round like it usually does but the phase of life that you'll lead will always depend on you.

I've lived among strangers, some of which have become part of my journey while others remained as distant drifters. I came to know the world in its real sense while discovering a whole new me in the process. And so right after college, I had the notion that I can live perfectly on my own. I became too independent that I thought running away from time to time (especially if things at home do not go my way) is a natural resort. I was technically a "stokwa", a "stow away" or whatever they call it.

My first job, much to my enjoyment, required a lot of travelling. By then I was a certfied nomad... I go places, I was never home. I was enjoying every minute of it.

As much as I would like to stay close, there are circumstances that forces me to drift away. My family is not a picture perfect one. There are times that it resembles a battlefield. And knowing the stubborn little crazy ass that I am, I always refuse to wave the white flag. I live up to my 'maldita' attitude. I always run away.

But now I am coming home. I want to live at least a few moments confined in its four walls, knowing that there, i will always be safe.

I am... Today.

I am...

... currently under the weather. Thanks to the Tagaytay trip and the heavy downpour last Saturday... In the last two hours, I have consumed two jumbo packs of tissue. My nose is 'running' like hell (swear, it has a mind of its own). I badly need a dose of vitamin C.

... staring blankly at my monitor and seriously considers doing so for the rest of the day.

...bombarded by thoughts about the Asian Quality -- both the magazine and the person... great... just great.

... skipping lunch (again... hehe)

missing AQ

thanks to cristine and the boyzIImen, i feel like i am a little unnerved today. someone crossed my mind. someone whom i thought i would be able to get over with in just a week's time (okay, two or three weeks) after all, i was really hurt and i guess it still stings. i mean, really... i don't know why this guy made such an impression on me. okay, he's cute, funny, a no-nonsense good conversationalist, an artist, an introvert and extrovert combined (confusing huh?!) and super kuliiit! (my weakness... hehe!) okay, i'm a big hypocrite if i do not admit that i miss him. yea, maybe just a little... or maybe quite the opposite... I've been thinking a lot about him these days. sad no? workload and all... psyched out or not... he is there... constantly popping into my head. I suppose there is nothing really wrong about it as long as i keep my sanity in tact and avoid doing crazy things like confessing (hehe) to him for the second time. i mean i am way over that... i'd slap myself hard if i have to. i guess i just miss the person...

senti bigla...

More than three weeks have passed since I let go of you. And looking back, i thought i would have regained my usual "happy" self in two weeks time or so. i even gave myself a deadline. Now I laugh as if there is no looking back. I refer to you almost as a non-existent person. i act as if we haven't even crossed paths.

But every laugh, every denial is just part of the show. it's sad that even though you are intangible, you are still here. i laugh at your memories, our short-lived but worthy moments. it's as if you've left a ot of debris before you went away... they are still scattered... when will you ever go away?

work spasm

i don't have anything to write today. but just to make use of my idle (and wasted) time in front of kay's monitor... i compel myself to string these words.
don't get the wrong picture; i actually have tons of 'to do's' so long, it could actually compare with lotto's long line of aspiring millionaire wannabe's but [again] i am not my usual 'hardworking' self today. no matter how deep i concentrate, everything seems like a void.
i can't help but think: my existence is dictated by the 'senseless' routinary things i do at work. Forgive me, but i really can't fathom my importance in this corporate setting. I can't define what i need to do or at least prove my worth (especially, when every single time you are bombarded with the incessant 'psyching out' shrekkie so love to do). hmmm... maybe i should consider another job? tried that... but what's the point... i haven't proven anything yet. If ever, fate allows, i'd be able to stay for at least one year in this office, i want to leave something i would be remembered of (seriously!) I am serious about this whole Asian Quality thing but to my dismay, i think i am not getting enough moral boosting from my superior. That's the funny thing about it. I am being passionate about something that is not even mine or i don't know if i'd even have the license to call it mine.
as much as i hate writing (or complaining) about work, there isn't really anything to tell you... sorry...

Ode to the Pretty Dork...

toothache, stress, euphoria and all...

am i suppose to be sad?

maybe not...

but then again,

maybe just a little.

Ouch my tooth (isa lang e) aches...

i've been suffering from incessant tooth throbbing in the last two days... i swear i'd rather have any other ache than this one... it paralyzes my nerve brains... i can't think, i can't do anything... even eat... as much as i'd like to just sleep this off, i feel like "shrek" has his watchful eyes on me (or again, am i just being paranoid?)
i wonder why sometimes, even the tiniest part of our body can have a control on our entirety and make us suffer until we beg 'No more!' like this frigging tooth which, in the first place, i should have gotten rid off months ago... i swear i'm having it extracted this weekend... tiny piece of sh*t...

Grrr....

Alas! And the psyching out starts.... hmmmppppp..... hay nako!

a smoggy outlook

my clock reads 2:17pm and i sit paralayzed in front of my monitor. just like the haze that's been building up outside my office window and the smog that pollutes the makati skyline, my mind is as blank and empty. i woke up in disdain dreading another 8 hours, well consider it 10 hours of work...of working for something that is not even there (at the moment). what pains me the most is not being appreaciated at all and that is how i see things here. and i though this only happens inside the big screen - you know, people working haplessly, routinely like robots that have been programmed for a day's work... pathetic but it's happening.
ans so i spent my lunch (one whole hour of it) still in front of my monitor taking a nice nap. and i mean really nice coz i even wandered off to dreamland .. i just can't remember what, where and when. and then i woke still feeling 'blah' (as i always like to put it) and browsed on the net, only to discover Ping Medina's live journal page. geez, i swear he's really 'asteeggg'!!!he, at this sweet stage of life, still unripe and juvenile, writes like a God. haven't read anyone like him before. (careful thet, he's taken...hehe) well, technically, he's still looking and seems contented with occassional flirting and not yet officially attached but it's like half of the women population is enamoured by his natural charm, so what are the chances, di ba?
so much for this... i need to prove my worth now.

shrek-kie pisses me off...

i usually find shrek, the ogre quite amusing. but since my friend associated him with this person whom i have grown to hate as the days passed, i now flinch at the slightest thought of him. Well, just like Shrek, he is big and frightful. he has this mood swings that everybody has become accustomed to (well, not me and i don't think i would be able to tolerate it). i don't know but i have always believed about 'not speaking ill of thy superiors' but sometimes you just have to do it to feel good about yourself. besides, there are certain circumstances when you have to put yourself first before others in order to feel that you're still worth something. it's funny how i sound like a defensive schmuck, but hey, i still got a job to keep (at least for now) but i really can't help it if sometimes, he really or all that psyching out (as i like to put it) gets into me. most people i know says that in time i'll be used to it. but the thing is, I DON'T WANNA BE USED TO IT. I HATE IT.

view from the top

Nice rooftop view...

like the clouds...

like to feel a free fall...

suicidal?

overwhelmed...

i thought i was ten-pound lighter by the time our meeting for the Asian Quality Magazine is over. My mind seems to have a big black hole in it that it sucked all that was stored in there a moment ago... had i not taken notes, i am dead meat. There were too many things to do, too many things to consider, too many letters to write, too many people to talk to, too many emails to send, too many hours to spend in front of my friggin' monitor, too many ass**les to follow-up with, too many caffeine to take (to keep my screws working!), too many emotional traumas to keep aside and too much more to think about... *sigh* and yeah, too many blogs to compose to air out the things that've been killing me (a slow painful death). I wonder if i could get to live my 30s without white streaks in my hair... tsk...
I am extremely thankful that at my age (23 isn't too old yet, is it?), i get to experience and learn a lot of things, career-wise (altho' the pay is nothing to brag about). I am getting everything that i need, including the unnecessary and uncalled for 'psyching out' from my superior once in a while... but hey, i can [still] live with it. I am jut overwhelmed by this whole magazine thing that i can't help but be worried that i might just screw it up. I mean, I know about publications and stuff but i never thought that one day, i would be handling one... at least not at this age. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining... again, i am just overwhelmed.
And so I am left without a choice this time. I need to do this. After all, I really wanted to do this. I just need all the help that I can get and maybe tons of prayers.

Tom Welling

Isn't he pretty?

just blah---

have you ever felt like an empty bottle floating into nothingness? a swirl of dust that has no clear direction or a lost raft in the vastness of the ocean? that's what i am feeling right now. it's hard to describe my thoughts; they all seem senseless to me. or maybe it was the other way around. maybe i was thinking too hard about too many things today that my little mind couldn't handle them all. not that my screws all went loose but i can't seem to focus on anything right now. I've accomplished a task or two, not because i have the will or the power to do them, but because i was left without a choice. Either do something or get another psyching out from my superior. i choose the former.
I am always awed by the fact that i could wake up one morning thinking that I am the happiest person alive only to find myself like in a complete disarray by the end of the day. arrrgggghhhhh.... i guess i am just not my usual happy self today.

who's happy, who's not...

there are about more than 60 billion [living and breathing] people in the philippines and i suppose atleast 75% of them are unhappy. okay, this is only an assumption [with no clear evidence whatsoever] but in my mind's eye is more than accurate with the 'hellish' experience i'm going through today...
i've already made about hundreds of calls this afternoon, trying to update our company's database for the magazine I am working for. this is the job that i hate more than having an old stingy cockroach suddenly fly out from somewhere. i love conversing with people and meeting with them but having to ask the same set of questions to different people on the other end of line (majority of which doesn't know what proper phone etiquette means) is pushing my sanity to the limit. I am really not good at this... And thinking that there are about 12,000 plus companies in my list just makes me wanna hang myself. i know this job isn't pathetic at all, but it's just not my line.
okay, going back to who's happy and who's not, it's funny how in just by hearing someone's voice, you could actually look at that person's eye and tell how well he / she is doing. I've been bombarded with impolite inquiries about what my calls are for. i don't really get what part of "We just need to update our database" those people could not understand... It's just half the day and people are already too tired sparing atleast half a minute to answer my simple questions. Either they are unhappy about their lives that it even manifests in the way they work or they are just having a bad day... whatever... they're pissing me off.

doing the unthinkable

never in my wildest dream did it occur to me that there would come a time when i will actually be the one confessing to a guy about my feelings towards him... this just happened... a while ago... between me and my pretty guy (well he's not mine in the first place).
shakingly, i confessed everything that i feel ... how i realized that i've been falling helplessly and how i feel really stupid for doing so. he said it was okay, that it was such a natural thing (how everybody gets to have crushes on so on and so forth) but what makes me sad is that he seems to deny the fact or atleast acknowledge that i am into him. he acted like he was my big brother, telling me what to do and how, one day, i would look back and just laugh at the thought. he even said that this might be just an infatuation. i was hurt and mad and sad... but there is nothing else i can do. i guess i've done my part. at least i don't need to second guess and i have my peace of mind now. the question is... how to go about the next step considering that moving on is such a hard thing to do... this is the very reason why i fear being in-love. my heart always breaks in the end.

this is sooo sad...

I thought everything's going quite well and i thought this would be my 'time'... I thought very wrong. All along i was actually hoping that something deep would transpire between me and the pretty guy. i was wishing for it the whole time without realizing that i am wanting more. And now I feel so low, sad, betrayed (but by whom?), cheated by circumstances and blinded by fate. I would never look at 'serendipity' the same ever again. I just learned today that the pretty guy has already resigned and would be reporting only until nov. 15, which, by the way, is only 12 days away, minus the three-day vacation and the two days that i would be out of the office the whole time -- so that leaves me six days all in all to atleast see him provided he'll be here at the office too. damn, i am sooooo sad. i am actually hating myself for feeling this way. the poor guy doesn't even know about how i feel.. and I -- the poor girl -- don't even know what to do. As usual, I can see myself wallowing in self pity while cursing fate for allowing me to fall for this one! You know the saddest part? I have realized just yesterday that I am already falling in love with him. Yea, I love him already and I wanna let everybody know ( if it wouldn't be too much for me). I am foolishly in-love with the guy. Sometimes, love is really difficult to understand. eventhough the person does not see you the same way that you do him, you just merely shrug and say 'the hell do i care?' as long as he makes my day... Yet here i am now, miserable and feeling utterly stupid for feeling so low. Why?!?! I don't even have the answers. and i bet nobody can really answer my stupid inquisition. Well i guess i have to stand by my mantra "If it's not mine, it's not mine..." even if this would mean killing myself little by little.