Mid-week partaaayy!

After along day at work, we just had to HAVE this...
There was this event at Gela's hotel and we thought we'd crash, enjoy free food, and just get together. It was a blast! =)

I just need to say this.

I think I am becoming more mature and I am loving it.
Mature in a sense that I am learning how to control my surge of emotions and channel my frustrations to becoming more productive and assertive about myself. There are a few happenings that have, at some point, tested my patience where I thought I would succumb and just jump off the cliff but in the end, I found myself atop of it, smiling. =)
I am beginning to conquer my anger, my temper, and my sometimes shallow take on things. It's like watching myself from the outside - I can easily see the things that I do wrong and see myself rising to the occasion. I trust myself to do better decisions and it makes me feel like a winner.
v(^__^)v

Life, no matter what, I still love it.

Since my last post about the demise of my pet Miyo, I never had the guts to open this blog and post another entry. I even considered removing that post because it still pains me to look at Miyo's photos (sorry but I really love that cat and it felt like losing a person just the same). But then again, I decided against it, thus, I keep it here.

Anyway, I wouldn't like to dwell on that much because it really makes me sad all over again, especially that nothing in my favor happened the last week. It's like everything that happens is against me. But no, I am not feeling too down about it, neither do I just accept it. My only ammunition in such difficult times is asking for help from the One Up There who I'm assured will never let me down. Pain is something evil and He simply doesn't want it for me.

Sometimes I still wonder what His plan for me is but I ain't complaining. Thy will be done. My faith has further thought me how easier it is to count my blessings rather than dwell on all the shortcomings - a bad day, an a** of a b***. You know what I mean.

I've been very preoccupied with work these days but I still get to see my friends once in a while, stay with my family on weekends, and have my personal time with God whenever I want.
What more can I ask for, right? Probably, patience. I still suck at it.

Miyo goes to heaven

My cat Miyo just died and I am truly truly sad.

This is the first time that a cat died on me. All the others just went away one day and didn't come back. That's how I usually lose a pet cat. So this one's really traumatic for me.

He was just two years old... a common house cat which looked a little different. As my friend J puts it, there's something different with his face. It's probably the shape of his eyes or his jaw. No matter, he's this adorable little dweeb who served as my own personal stress fur.

I remember when we, well, pop snatched him from the streets. (But later on, our neighbor's daughter claimed that he was hers but I didn't give him back obviously. Let's just say that if we went to the court, I won the custody battle) He was so small and scrawny, with a long tail that look like a rat's. He looked so disgusting. A few days of extreme pampering, feeding him generously with cat food and cleaning him up, he eventually started looking like a certified spoiled house cat.

Miyo was the reason why my sister and I had to take anti-rabies shots five times due to the scratches and bites we both got when we attempted to give him a bath. That was the first and the last time.

He doesn't look like a typical barako... we even had a hunch that he's gay because if he's a person, he is so effeminate. He goes out, touring the neighborhood everyday but makes sure that he goes home before the sun comes down. Most of the time, he comes home looking like a cat-hobo. And just to piss him off and as a punishment, I would dust him with cat powder 'till he's too annoyed to complain.

He sleeps like a human, sometimes flat on his backside or rolled up in a fetus position. He's so warm and cuddly and I like it when he snuggles to my side, never caring if I play with his nose or his tail. He also has this habit of sleeping on my bed, sometimes making my tighs his pillow.

Miyo's the biggest muncher I knew. He's so addicted to chips that even if he's on the other side of the neigbor's fence, once he hears the sound of a chip bag being opened, he would immediately go back home and pester you with his 'meowing' until you give him some. He eats all kinds of food - potato chips, chocolate mallows, ice cream, cake, even lollipop. But his favorite is Happy Peanuts. =) Mom often goes bananas because he keeps on ransacking mom's sari-sari store, eating whatever he could. I often end up paying for what he ate or destroyed so as to prevent mom's wrath.

But last Sunday, I went home and found him lying on my bed, all bloody and weak. We suspected he got attacked by a dog because he had deep puncture wounds on his jaw and neckline and his right front paw is all mangled up. My sister said there were blood everywhere and Miyo insisted staying on my bed (so guess where I slept) and didn't really want to leave my room. There were blood spatters everywhere because every time he shakes his head, the blood spills . It was all messy but I didn't mind. I just wanted him to get well. I nursed him the whole day that I was home last Monday (I'm sick as well). I tried feeding him and suture his wounds but the bleeding won't stop. We took him to the vet because he's already lost a lot of blood and he's really weak. It looked like Miyo really hated me for bringing him to the vet because he hates being held by people he didn't know. I thought he would get better after being confined for two days (with a dextrose!) but he looked worse. And I couldn't help thinking what would have happened if I just let him heal by himself at home. =(

I really really miss Miyo. He's my only stress buster... Some people might think that I am probably over-reacting but I couldn't really help it. I am sad as sad can be and I haven't cried like this in a long time.

There are many what ifs in my mind right now. What if I guarded him well last Saturday so he wouldn't be able to go out of the house? What if I just let him be... and let the cat's magical healing do its wonders? (But considering that he's been in other accidents a lot of times already in the past, the nine lives have been probably all used up)What if I didn't take him home tonight? I just wanted him alive - no matter how smelly and dirty he is - sitting here on my bed or at the couch doing his favorite thing in the world - sleep.

Do animals go to heaven? Because if they do, I am thinking he's there.

I wouldn't be getting a new cat soon. =(

Thwarted.

My thoughts are quite in shambles. I am sick and I went to work so as not to waste my time, instead of sulking on my bed, getting sicker by the minute. But going to work might be a wrong idea after all. I need not elaborate.

Sick as usual. I wonder why my immune system is so vulnerable. I think I got the virus from my brother who's been sicks since last Wednesday. I caught it the other night while tending to him. But I've been so used to being physically ill that sometimes, it feels like more of a routine. Like my colleague at work says, I tend to get sick whenever the deadlines are approaching (not that I want to... probably because of the stress and the pressure? ) But the emotional sickness that I've been suffering with because of well... you know... that is too much. It even goes up to my head and I will not be surprised if I go all mental because of thinking too much. Who knows, one day, I might just explode!

I wonder why some people can be so harsh and heartless. It's like for them, undermining people is like wiping sweat off their foreheads... peanuts... not much of a bother. I feel that I don't belong anymore and it's a whole new universe out there... infested by aliens and decepticons. How many slaps in my face would I be able to take until I give up and say no more?

I don't know. As of now, I really don't.

This thing called 'Friendship'

How does it feel when you're alone and cold inside? - MJ, Stranger in Moscow

The stress that the past couple of weeks also made me re-think a few things in my life. While chatting with a friend one Saturday afternoon, it dawned on me - I can really be lonely at times. While I have so many friends surrounding me, there are moments when I find myself completely having no one at all.
It's funny how one friend pointed out: 'So, you don't have a best friend?' I know it's cheesy and it might not even deserve a space in this blog but it did dig a hole in my thoughts. And it kept boring deeper and deeper until I can't take it out no more. It's like a tumor - it sits there somewhere in my brain (mind), growing bigger and bigger everyday (somehow nurtured by recent on-goings in my semi-pathetic life). It needs an operation, to rid of it and free me from pain.
And so, going back to that, if I may call, unsolicited, tacky, and a little hurtful comment (but I don't blame my friend for it was meant to be an innocuous question), it made me kind of confirm it to myself - 'Yea, I don't.' I used to have one but we've grown each other out (possibly permanently out of each others' lives). I even had a very close guy friend but he moved far away. I have so many friends in highschool and college, at work, and friends that I randomly met along the way but I didn't find another one. It's true, at least in my case, that a best friend is not like a boyfriend or a girlfriend whom you can just replace when the relationship is over. Once it's broken - it's irrepairable.
So what happens to a person without any best friends (and without any boyfriends... hehe...)? Here are just some things I experience myself:
1. I'm always a tag-along (to my sister & her husband). Classic loser moment: The night after their wedding, I slept in their hotel room (at the living room couch) 'coz I don't have anywhere / anyone to go to. =(
2. I don't have a constant movie buddy.
3. I don't have someone to bother anytime without feeling 'shy' about it (because I am assured I am not a bother at all)
4. I don't have someone calling my house every now and then to just, well, talk.

Things just change I guess. One time, we find ourselves surrounded by people who makes the best out of us and the next thing you know, you're by yourself. I am such a sensitive sucker and it's such a touchy subject for me - this thing called friendship. Probably because I have had a lot whom I thought would stay but went away anyway. That is why it upsets me when my friends make me feel like I have to beg for their time, or I have to fall in line for their schedules. I am not saying they should'nt because we all have our own reasons but that is genuinely what I feel. And don't it frustrates you when a friend refers to you as just an 'officemate' or a 'classmate' or whatever other 'so-so' terms when he / she talks to other people? Why can't he / she just say 'Oh, I'm with my friend!' It makes me feel bad... I don't know. Oh, and then there are my favorites - those who suddenly remember your existence when they need something from you.
But God really is good! He knows when and how to take away my pain and turn it into glee. I have this friend whom I haven't seen for quite a long time. She used to be a colleague at work but then she resigned and we haven't seen each other since. Not once and it's like years already. But what I like about her is that she never forgets. She'll drop me a message once in while in my FB or Friendster and ask how am I doing. But the better part is, she's always telling me how she appreciates the friendship... without any inhibitions. I don't have to see her to tell that she's genuine about it. There's just an assurance between those words and I really feel it.
Then, just recently, I've been talking to my college bffs (thanks skype!) and it's just awesome. Although they're very far, just by talking, we are able to catch up and just fill in the years that we have lost touch.
It's as if God is reminding me I am just making up crazy thoughts in my head. And I shouldn't feel bad about it. Things change and that cannot be helped.

And so, I say to my friends: I truly appreciate your friendship - near or far. A friend talks from the heart and I know all your hearts perfectly. =)

Isang araw ng pamumulitika

I went into this website launching event this morning and I find it very amusing. Being in the business field since I started work, I haven't been in any event that screams 'Politics!' and I haven't been in a room full of politicians before. (except during that phase in my life when I find attending meeting de avance during barangay elections rather quite entertaining) Sitting there in a room full of media, scurrying like mice, eager to get their homeworks done and these politicians (and their representatives) , their hands probably numb from too much hand-shaking, their jaws hurting from too much smiling, I had this preconceive notion that I'd erupt into a one big mass of allergy. But as the event progressed and I get to talk to some... well, quite a few people, I began to enjoy myself.

What was the fuss all about?

The Commission on Elections (Comelec) partnered with web experts 88DB and JobsDB to design a website called politicalarena.com - a kind of a socio-political networking tool where all candidates for the 2010 elections could be more transparent and 'reachable' to the public. Like your typical facebook, multiply or friendster, the candidates have their own account and they can update it and let the people know in real time what their plans are. To date, all the candidates that are in the site are 'perceived presidentiables' by the public and are not confirmed yet (final line up will probably take shape the latter part of the year). And the public can support their candidates by not really becoming a fan but including themselves in the 'I support' field once registered. I have browsed through the site but I haven't really explored it yet in detail. It has features like Issues, Forum, News, Videos, Photos, Calendar, Announcements, Election 101 - a rundown of how to be a 'bibong botante' and facts about the election (courtesy of Comelec), and of course, the information page for each of the candidates.

The site isn't bad actually. Although it's a bit rip off of Obama's ingenious idea on how to be in constant contact with the Americans through the 'Organizing for America' site , it's a big step and a very apparent display of progress in appreciating what dear 'ol technology is giving us. And since it's a common fact how Filipinos are just a click short away from being internet whores, this might actually be a good idea.

The only contention is that in the millions of Filipinos who actually troop to the precints to cast in their votes, how many has the capability to be 'connected'? Let us not forget that majority of the voters come from the masses. How many are internet freaks like you and me? And of those numbers, how many actually gives a cow dung about social networking (or in this case socio-political networking) sites such as this? I know I do. But, think.

Anyway...

You know when I'm like this.

I wish I could read people's minds. That way, I wouldn't have to guess and second guess and make my life as miserable as it already is. Where does patience and apathy meet? Can two people see eye to eye if one is extremely onion-skinned and the other one, just don't give a sh*t? (sorry)

How sorry can someone be when it doesn't actually show? How do you know if there's even a drop of guilt that is going through this person's head? You wake up, you feel bad, you feel sad, you sulk. And then you realize, today should be not like any other day... today shouldn't be another yesterday. Yet, the closer to reality you get, the more hesitant you become - you scurry back to your old pathetic self even before you can say 'Stop!'

Then comes the cold gaze, the unfathomable hatred that boils down from the most senseless of things. You are blindfolded, you become deaf and everything becomes stupid. Everything becomes a waste. There goes another day. Another hell of a day.

I don't know which is difficult - the impossibility of controlling things that tells us it takes more than three words to put things back in their place or this wall that keeps me on the other side. I want to destroy it, believe me. But can you give me a helping hand?

FANMODE: Music videos that I like

I don't get normally envious of girls with sexy body, pero grabe itong si Nicole, bigla kong ni-wish na ganyan ang katawan ko... haha... Here's a very blurry 'I Hate This Part' video 'coz all I see in youtube are the chipmunk versions of this one.



Then, there's this Miley Cyrus song, which got my attention. I don't really like Miley but I like the song very much (and the video too!)... makes me feel like I'm 16... =)



I love this song... so apt for me (haha!) and I just find myself watching this video over and over again (as if I'll find my answer here). Anyway, I don't know any of her other songs but this.

Love-talk (Bored to my wits, I am)

One of my friends says she is somehow convinced that people we fell-in love with for the first time in our lives remains locked, kept in that little box inside our hearts. But it doesn't mean that we are hung up on them, she adds. Our first love stays there even without us exactly knowing.

It made me think if that is true. Is it, really?

I don't know if that conversation was the after-effect of a two-hour major pampering that we've just had (full-body Shiatsu massage, Aromatheraphy facial, and Peppermint footscrub) after a crazy, manic Monday at work. My mind was practically emancipated of stress and pressure and it was pure bliss. And the next thing we know, we are already talking about flowers, rainbows, and love lives. Haha.

Probably what she's claiming is true. I still feel that pinch whenever my first love crosses my mind. Not a pinch of sorrow or sadness or regret but more like a pinch that seems to be a reminder of how happy those times were that if I'd be given the chance to go back, I would. Because I honestly think that at that exact moment, what I was feeling was true (regardless if the other person didn't feel the same way I did).

And I am somehow convinced that the one true love of your life (past or present) is the person whose face pops instantly in your mind when you close your eyes at night. (except your boss' when you're in a very tight deadline!)

***

In Memoriam (AQ)

Here's the blog that we were supposed to publish in our new magazine website. But since the big B doesn't want anything that mentions Asian Quality, I had to tweak the whole article and somehow make it appear like there was no previous magazine before this whole MS Asia thing came. I hate it actually. So, for my own peace of mind, I am still publishing the original version... here in my own blog.

FROM THE GROUND AND BACK AGAIN

It was never a 'goodbye' Asian Quality for me from the moment I have learned that we will have to shut its pages to give way to a new publication aimed at advancing the quality of learning and information sharing that we have been providing the reading public.

As a matter of fact, like a mother to her child who's just about to graduate, I have never felt prouder. Asian Quality is moving a gallop higher.

On the pages of Asian Quality aren't only blotted inks that represent words and images. There lies an ingenuous effort to pull together all sorts of information that wold shed a much brighter light on the subject of Quality, Productivity and Business Process Improvement - an area, if not ignored, less noticed in the business arena (or at least in Asia as manifested by the scarcity of publications / print media that caters to the subject with a regional touch).

Armed with only guts, very limited resources and just about enough knowledge on publishing, we found ourselves in the magazine business. I remember writing the following during that particularly difficult stage when it felt like bringing a magazine to life is next to impossibility:

"With this kind of job, I have to do away with my indecisive attitude and forget about myself. I have to be thick when necessary. I have to be resourceful and quick-witted. otherwise, I'd be stagnant. And so I wrote thousands (okay, exaggeration) or hundreds of emails to various people whom I felt are potential subject matter expert writers for the magazine. Most of them ignored my mail while a few wrote back and promised to contribute. But hey, promises are made to be broken... so really, I didn't hope. I needed a plan B so I relied on referrals. I emailed and made a bunch of phone calls to strangers until I got answers... or more aptly, until I got the articles. I contacted prominent names in the industry and asked / begged for appointments for interview hoping I'd be lucky enough to have these people featured in the magazine. In my mind, we are all people, and given the right kind of attitude, we can reach what we are aiming for."

And now, with the "re-birth" of AQ, it's like going through the whole same process again. But this time around, we know exactly what to do.

Establishing a magazine from the ground is far from a walk in the 'Avenue of Stars' at Tsim Sha Tsui on a sunny afternoon while sipping a Mocha Frap. It is, by far, the most challenging responsibility I have ever handled since I came out [after college] into the real world. I was somehow convinced that what you learn in college, while they can be helpful, doesn't necessarily apply.

With AQ, I've learnedhow to follow my gut feel and deliver within the allocated resources - and I'm talking about manpower, hardware, software, budget, and even skills. Add the fact that while you are compelled to learn by yourself, you can only pray for guidance.

AQ is not a failure. I am not taking offense but some people have the tendency to assume that the so-called 'folding-up' of its pages is synonymous to raising the white flag. Of course it isn't. On the contrary, the very idea that brought forth AQ is the same foundation that we're using to build this new publication. The same objective applies, this time backed up by a stronger team and higher aspirations. #

The new MS Asia's website (www.ms-asia.org) will be up in two weeks time! I'm so excited! =)

FanMode: New Moon (the Movie)

Sorry naman... I hate the book but I can't help but squirm in my seat when I saw this video:

Amid all the stress

... it doesn't hurt to laugh REALLY REALLY REALLY hard because of simple joys like this.
WATCH IT.



Take note how the rabbit (or cat) on the left fell out of balance... I think the hip grinding was a little bit too much... HAHAHAHA!!!

Bantayan Trip (Why, how?)

It's been a week since my family - (minus kuya because he has his own Bora trip with his friends and Mike - unni's hubby - because of his work) packed our bags and took our much needed R&R and bonding session in the northern part of Cebu, in this paradise-like island of Bantayan. *_* - me still entranced. It all started with me chancing upon Cebu Pacific's promo rates while *desperately* searching for cheap rates to Ho Chi Minh City ('coz me & my travel buddies are itching to go visit another Asian city... hehe). Instead, I saw this very cheap fare to Cebu and since papa's always complaining about summer and wanting very much to go back to Bora or visit any beach, unnichan and I thought why not bring both of them to Cebu? It would be their first time and althought they were denying it, we sensed that they were very ecstatic about it.

And so I bravely faced my boss' wrath when I advised him that I will be gone two days during the layout week for the mag. What?!? I need a rest too. But so much for a vacation totally devoid of anything that has got to do with work. I found myself lugging my laptop (plus a bunch of papers!) during the trip.

The day has come
Our flight was at 4:45am so we left the house a little before 3:30am. I didn't slept at all because I was making such a big fuss on what and what NOT to carry. I don't have a decent bag - just my red big luggage and a compact duffel bag which couldn't fit what I had in mind. But I settled for it anyway. I was so hyper the whole time despite my lack of sleep. I didn't even sleep on the plane and was surprised at how fast the flight was. At exactly 6am, we were already making a bee line for the taxi stand to go straight to the North Central (?) bus terminal where I had quite a scare because of the 'manongs' (throngs of them) who suddenly appeared the moment they saw our cab approaching the terminal. We weren't even out of the cab and they were already forcing open the trunk to get our bags (for porting services it turned out). I was shouting the whole time, saying 'no' because some of them already have the bags and we had no clue where they were taking them. Good thing, the bus conductor came and got all our bags while I was still trying very hard to yank my bag off him. It was funny, he was shouting "Libre 'to! Libre! Walang bayad!" Then he took all the bags and ushered us to the waiting bus that would take us to Hagnaya Port.

The bus ride was a torture. People were sooo noisy and 'kuya' the 'kunduktor' was shouting the whole time... what was he saying, I have no clue. It was probably the most humid season in Cebu and there were no aircondition buses, they said, so we were perspiring like it was our last. The land travel took about two and a half hours with about ten minute stop over where we grabbed the opportunity to buy some food for breakfast. Grilled hotdogs (more like charred) and softdrinks. Perfect.

Upon arrival at the port, another swarm of men came for porterage but our bags were all so small and manageable for us to need their services. So sorry manongs, I know you're just trying very hard to earn a living. We waited for about 15 minutes before the 'fast craft'(not fast at all - we were estimating 2 knotts.. haha) that would take us to the island, arrived. Ferry boats leave every hour from 9:30am onwards. We took the 10:30 ferry and endured another almost two hours and braved the rough seas... the waves were huge... lucky, i didn't get sea sick. In fact, I was working on one of my articles the entire time. Bringing my laptop wasn't a waste after all.

After nearly two hours, I finally saw the island with white sand lining its shores. It was such a pretty sight! Imagine Bora when it was still on its most 'virgin' state - that's what Bantayan is. Upon arrival at the gate, we already spotted 'Manong Dodong', Kota's driver (and probably overall errand guy) waving the sign which says 'Kota Beach Resort'. Unni's been communicating with him and we've been told he's going to fetch us at the pier gate. We shared the ride with four 'yuppies' - two girls, two guys - who obviously are also from Manila (the accent!). I suddenly missed my friends. *woot* It probably took just five minutes to reach the resort. Unni checked us in and I was a little worried about the location of the cottage that will be given to us ('coz unni said there's no beachfront available when she booked). Imagine my surprise when they showed us our 'place' - it's right in the middle of the resort fronting the beach - the view was screaming awesomeness! And I stopped worrying.

I had the urge to jump right in the water had the sun been shy a little. The water was so inviting; it was literally glimmering with the sun's rays reflected on its surface. The ultimate 'wow' factor is the sandbar which stretched the whole of the resort, bending to the still undeveloped part of the resort to the left and crossing the adjoining 'Budyong' beach resort to the right. Budyong resembles Kota a little with cavanas sprawling the area. But I'd say Kota was blessed to have the best part of the sandbar.

It was really humid and I really wanted to take a bath and change to something more beach-y. (I was wearing jeans the whole time). But first, we had to eat lunch - this time a decent meal which consisted of Sinigang na hipon, Adobong Baboy, YangZhou Chao Fan, and Pancit Canton. Quite a combination, huh? The food was great and the people serving them were great as well... such a kind bunch.

We rested for a bit and started living THE Life - away from work, from the madness of urban civilization, and from my own personal chaos. I wanted to feel ch'i (the natural energy of the universe) coursing through my system and re-energize so that when I go back, I would've gained something. And with a place like Bantayan, it's not really hard to do that. We swam but not too long; the water is really salty - twice as salty as the water in other beaches I've gone to. It quite hurts the eyes so it is advisable to swim with goggles on. Spent the rest of the day lounging by the shore. There are not too many people in the resort so you can do pretty much whatever. And that's one of the reasons why I love the place so much - peace and quiet.

Kota is a very friendly place. As I've said, all its staff are very accommodating and kind. The resort is not strict either. Although it has its own restaurant, it doesn't restrict people. They allow people to buy their food some place else and bring it back tot heir cavanas for a 'picnic' by the porch (unlike some of the resorts I know which are so greedy - they want their visitors buying from inside only). You also have the option to buy raw ingredients in the market which is just a block away from the resort and have it cooked in their kitchen for a minimum fee. There were fishermen who offers their 'huli' - fishes, crabs, etc - and they could cook it for you (again for a minimum fee). We've had enough stock in our tummies so we skipped dinner and just munched on some bread and biscuits.

My first night in Bantayan was one of those rarest moments that would probably be embedded in my thoughts forever. I was in my jammies at the resto, fronting the beach (although I couldn't see it because it was so dark - it was an endless sea of blackness; it was actually quite scary too if you would think about it), the ocean breeze on my face, sipping my thermos (not cup take note because that was what 'manang bait' gave me) of coffee and... tsaraaaan... writing an article about 'Organizational Development'. Tsk... nasira na. Haha. I had to work and it's the perfect time to do it... peace & quiet. But then the mood went from compelling to annoying when the 'TGIS' gang (the same yuppies we shared the ride with) arrived and completely ruined the serenity... peace and quiet gone. So, I packed up my stuff and went back to the cottage and read a book instead. *sigh*

Round and round the island
The next morning, I surprisingly woke up early (relative to when I am in Manila on a weekend). It was just 5:30 in the morning and I was so eager to catch the sunrise. But as they say in the province, here, the sun rises and sets early. How true is that! The sun was already hanging arrogantly high in the sky when I walked up the front porch. Mom and pop were preparing to walk along the shore and I decided I would butt in and join them. Unni was still sleeping like a baby, too tired apparently from yesterday's journey.

I changed into my swimsuit and pulled on a dress. The salty air assaulted my senses and I squinted at the early morning sun. After the short walk, I settled on the shore and said a silent prayer - praising God for the magnificence before me. I took a dip; the water felt so good although a little cold. We had breakfast at the resto - a full American breakfast meal for me. I was so hungry after swimming and mom threw some tantrums (u-huh and who says moms don't do that?!) and I was so pissed off I wanted to eat my anger away.

We were scheduled today for a trip around the island. Mang Dodong arranged our itinerary early yesterday with his driver cousin, Mang Ding for the tour. We had to pay P700 for the trike rental (seems expensive but after the tour and the expanse of the roads we traveled, I understand why). We visited all three towns of the island - Sta. Fe (where Kota beach is), Bantayan, and Madridejos. It was a bumpy ride - literally - as the roads were unpaved but the sights I've seen are so breath-taking that I didn't mind at all. I was so captured in the moment - rice fields, cows and carabaos (I still mistake one for the other) up close, endless greenery, and the most laid back people I've seen. I can get used to this life, really. Like what I've told my friend, I plan on becoming a hermit someday when I am capable and ready - retired from the chaos of the life we are so used to.

Our first stop was the tip of Bantayan Island - Kota Park. Mang Ding said it is a usual tourist destination. It boasts of a fort (fortress) that houses some of the relics of the early Bantayan inhabitants (or Lawisanon) and this 'lakehouse' structure with a long concrete bridge that is made one of Madridejos' historical landmarks. It reminded me so much of Il Mare- I half expected Jun Jin Hyun to suddenly appear out of nowhere. I love the place so much that only if the heat isn't scorching us alive, I would've stayed there, perched on the steps of that bridge, just staring... in awe.

Second stop was for mom's request, the devoted catholic that she is - the town Church. Ironically, this was where my first encounter with the unfriendly bunch happened. Tsk... I'm zipping my mouth now. I was almost nauseous because of the heat and my mouth was aching of thirst - I wanted so much to drown myself in Coke - not water - Coke. But not a single store sells it. Darn. Next stop - the market. Went to buy some 'puso' (rice wrapped and cooked in woven coconut leaves) and fruits and grilled meat for lunch. Pop bought a kilo of crab back in the resort and have the 'manong' who sold it to us prepare and cook it in 'Sprite' broth. Yummy!

Save the best for last - we went to this Ogtong Cave, which apparently was this narrow cave, a hot spring that was made a swimming pool and is Sta.Fe Beach Club's tourist magnet. The resort looks really neat and probably more expensive than Kota. It boasts of the cliff-like edge overlooking the sea and a gigantic pool. They also have a mini-zoo where I met Piolo, the sheep and a rude little bird which turns its back on me everytime I attempt to take its picture. I still think Kota's the best. =)

By lunchtime, we were back at the resort, ready to chow down on the feast that pop has prepared. Poor papa, because of his high-blood, he couldn't eat crab meat; he had to order Sinigang na Baboy from the resto. And so unni and me ate most of the cholesterol and burned it after by swimming and lounging under the late afternoon sun. While having a full-body massage by the shore (which Mang Dodong also arranged for me the day before), it suddenly poured. It's as if the heavens was blessing our stay in the island. The downpour went on for about an hour and the whole place was damp but it didn't lessen the beauty that was before me.

(Continuation soon... I'm drained...)

Anger.

Last week, I had a very unpretty reminder of how I am when I am angry. I know when people look at me (especially when I am not smiling), they always have this impression that I am frowning or probably even scowling... I hate it but it seems like it's my 'default facial expression'. I don't really know but I probably look unfriendly or when I'm not smiling, my big eyes tend to give that 'I don't really care about you' look. I always have to tell people that I will not be pouncing on anybody anytime soon. These high arched brows, these sharp looking eyes, these pouting lips - they mean no harm. I am not angry or mad at anybody.

But last Thursday, I was mad as absolutely mad can be. And I was taken aback by how strong that feeling of anger surged right through me. My hands were shaking, my eyes were almost welling up, my voice was authoritative (bordering on arrogance), and my pulse was twice fast the normal. It's as if someone stepped on a landmine that was buried deep in my heart and I exploded. I didn't know I even have the capacity to be that angry. And it was one of the worst feelings I've had in years. I had to go down and be on my own for a while to tackle whatever aftershocks my anger would be bringing soon after.

I haven't been that mad in a long time and I've almost forgotten that I have the tendency to hyperventilate when I am (at some point I did... I think I downed a gallon of water to help me breathe normally). Time and again, I complain about how my life tend to suck big time sometimes but I don't get mad about it; Instead, I get really challenged by it and I enjoy watching my own melodramatic life unfold before me. I get irked, irritated, annoyed, pissed at someone... at some people... at many people in fact, but in the end, I still hold that peace in my heart that God's challenges wouldn't be as exciting if they aren't there.

I used to have this hate blog where whenever I am feeling really angry, I would abash the subject and object of my frustration in a cold-blooded word-homicide. That after writing profanities, evil wishes and thoughts of deceit, I would somehow feel a burden was totally lifted off me and I was powerful as I can be (having mutilated someone without his / her knowing through the very thing that I was gifted with - words). But whenever I re-read my so-called 'masterpiece' I would then feel bad about how extreme my thoughts had been and I would convince myself that I don't really mean all those words. So there's really no point; I stopped writing in my hate blog.

Sometimes I think that having too much anger in your heart is a sin. I am not yet clear about that. We wouldn't be angry or we wouldn't have harbored all those bitterness inside us if we are able to forgive... just as God forgave us. But that is a different story. I didn't have to forgive anyone last time that I was fuming mad. Rather, I feel like I have to stand up and be that leader that I was expected to be and earn that respect that I deserve to have. I didn't have to forgive anybody 'coz I feel like they haven't done me any wrong. It was more an issue of people going boundaries and offending someone in the process. It might be that these people didn't really mean to and they just needed guidance so I am not going to point fingers and blame them for it.

The point actually is I don't want to feel that horrible feeling again. Anger is a monster in itself. And if you would let it, it will consume you whole, leaving you with nothing but pain.

Hats off to David Cook

I am not gonna be able to watch David Cook's (and Archuleta's) concert on the 16th at the MOA and I was raving non-stop about it this afternoon. Had I known the date, I would've booked that Bantayan trip at a later date. And I am genuinely sad that I wouldn't have the chance to see David Cook in person.

Now, I feel worse.

I just chanced upon a video of him speaking for the 'Race for Hope' event, which benefits the National Brain Tumor Society and Accelerate Brain Cancer Cure. There, he announced that he just lost his oldest brother (Adam) to a brain tumor a day before that race. It was really heart-wrenching watching him speak, trying to mask his grief with a brave face. It's just awesome how he dealt with that overwhelming emotion and clearly put aside his being a celebrity and showed dedication for the cause.

I am loving this guy more and more.

Drooling over Daniel (Henney!) and Mr Jackman

I've seen 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' twice already. First was the unfinished workprint which leaked a month before release and second, a few hours ago in the big screen. Instead of me being ecstatic about seeing the movie even before its release (through that pirated dvd crap), I was more I'd say unhappy about it (ooh, I should've waited!) since I saw things that weren't supposed to be seen... those supposedly amazing scenes bereft of CGIs (computer-generated imagery) and it wasn't really nice to watch. I felt being fooled. But it was worth seeing how long Daniel's (Agent Zero) airtime would be. =)

The 'fallen' agent.. tsk...

Who wouldn't love this guy?

Mr. Jackman and Faffy Daniel (tee-hee!)

Seeing the movie in the big screen is so worth it. I didn't really notice the 'alleged' 20-minute scene that purportedly was missing on the leaked version. I am not a movie critic so I wouldn't dare. Rather, I'd just gush about how Daniel's Hollywood debut is making such a promise in his career and how, I'm sure, the Hugh Jackman's 'flesh-flashing' made my officemate doubt his gender again (eheh.. kidding P!) That guy is so ***damn sexy! Forget about the accent, the abs and the muscle pack would've sealed the deal, really. Oggle below... *grin*

Major drooling right here.

Gambit, played by Taylor Kitsch is kind'a cool too. Although I think he looks like a hybrid between Willy Wonka and Barry Watson with a long unruly hair. =)

Right? =)

Work in progress

When at 1 in the morning, I am still wide awake, thoughts in shambles amid futile attempts to write some copies and wondering again for the -nth time why I am such a chaos...

I came across this in Vanness Wu's blog and I know I got my answer =)


Sorry Lord, I lost myself again (!) for a while there. But I know you'd never let me. Feeling a little better and now I can sleep.

say what i need to say

but i've been so quiet these past few days that i, myself, am feeling tormented by the buzzing of my own thoughts that are meaning to come out and find their way into this blog.

i was busy. okay. lying through my retainered teeth.

yes, i am busy but that's only a quarter of why i wasn't present. i just feel lazy and i would never lie that it occurred to me a dozen times that i want a life away from the internet. i want everyday to be a life conceived far from the 'mongerers' in the cyberspace. but who am i kidding? practically every part of my soul was screaming 'bloooogggg!'and whoever reads my blog anyway? (hello!)

my last weekend was spent finishing reading 'Shadow of the Wind' (highly recommended!) and attempting to organize my thoughts to write an article for my mag... but to no avail... thanks to this pre-programmed lethargy. on weekends, i am the queen of the sloths - it hurts when i move.

and i am dying to embrace weekend once again (and it's not even the middle of the week). i've got a long list of 'to read' and 'to watch'. i haven't been hanging around outside that much these days. and forgive me, i sometimes really feel bad whenever it occurs to me that i have no idea how my friends are doing. it makes me feel useless and unwanted. on the contrary, it also makes me feel bad to always be that person bouncing around pestering everyone if they care to catch up.

i'm happy today. i received four packs of the elusive 'Shokubutsu' shower gel courtesy of a very thoughtful and generous friend from Singapore. 'Xie xie!' from the bottom of my heart. =)

these days, i choose to be happy and thankful for the littlest things.

what smells?

I hate that I have an incredible, almost unbelievable, sense of smell. I was endowed with very sensitive olfactory nerves that I could literally smell a stink from a hundred feet away. I am always the first one to complain when some strange odor comes assaulting my senses. And so I give my testimony that there isn't a grain of truth when they say: 'Ang unang pumutak, siya ang umutot!'

And it's a nightmare, I tell you. Anything that smells bad instantly sends my temper rising; I easily get crossed and the next thing I know, I am ready to yell at some poor soul. Probably, it's normal but then again, my case is on the extreme side. I could actually picture the stink as if alive, taunting me and challenging my patience. I turn all loony.

As far as my fond recollections allow, I've almost gotten myself in a number of unsightly encounters because of this. It's like one of those illnesses where there is no cure, like a spot of bother that is ruining my perfect little image (no, not really). And who could remain calm when in your nice and peaceful world, you are rudely interrupted by a smell that could make the hobos of New York look like preppy yuppies?

What would you do if everyday of your forsaken life, you are trapped and there's just nothing you can do about it? Will you be bold enough to tell the 'source' that he smells like a dead rat or a basket full of onions and it's really offending you?

As you might guess, I am currently having this crisis but I think better not to elaborate on it. (I will get into major trouble.. shhh...)