Cute...

Ang cute... (",)

Behind the enemy's smile...

Has the world turned suddenly upside down? I caught the monster smiling at me; I’m not sure if it was the usual vile smirk I’m seeing but it still gave me that ethereal feeling. It wasn’t true at all. But he did put me in the spot. Was he trying to make amends? Was he trying to win back that sick little kitten ‘who’ was too subservient to be true?

One thing is for sure. I am not giving in. He put up the red flag and now I’m waving it [furiously]against him. And no, I’m not giving in. He pushed… I pushed harder… away from him… away from the ruthless arms that strangles the last breath of self-respect. I’m winning it back; I didn’t lose it in the first place.

Quoting the great ‘Churchill’, “I will never give up…” not until his stone cold heart turns out to be as warm as the smile of a skylark (does it even smile?). For now, I will traverse these thorny paths until I reach the dreamland that awaits me. It’s not too long; it will be soon. I can already taste it – the sweet soothing taste of glory.

- Ode to the monster that gobbled me up whole as a birthday gift -

Eto... Panalo...

Clay Aiken's impersonator Michael Sendeki during the American Idol Finale. Sobrang funny!!!

Bwisit.

It may be this headache that's been killing me for the last couple of hours or I just woke up on the wrong side of my itsy-bitsy bed.
I am really annoyed and pissed off and bothered at work today. it's weird because I can't tell what really causes me this torment but I have a slight idea of what it might be. Ang gulo... leche. I'd bet my bottom peso -- about 75% of my gloomy attitude is because of work. I am f***ing feeling it again -- the helplessness; the feeling that you are nothing but s**t; a freeloader to this profit-making factory (the burning pits of hell on earth). And I swear to God, I know within myself that I'm not even half close to this.
To hell with the people that make me miserable. I love life, it loves me back... die & rot asswipes.

***

premonitions...

10 am- I haven't done much. maybe because it's Monday. We all the have the weekend hang-over. But then again, maybe it's just me...
At the count of three, I'm gonna be officially ill... 1... 2... 3...
I feel like I'm coming down with a flu; a week-long flu that will get me bed-ridden, immobile, useless, hurting all over because of painful joints and aching muscles, light-headed... yet peaceful (^_^) - no workload and s**t...

Sensitivity... the word that kills

I am sensitive – extremely sensitive. I can laugh at the silliest jokes (only I could appreciate) and shed tears a-la-Maria Cristina falls just by listening to Pachelbel’s Canon in D. I wouldn’t try to explain.

Yesterday, my onion-skin like emotional “aptitude” was put to the test. Just when I thought I felt the worst in this hell-on-earth cleverly disguised as a ‘money factory’, I saw what is probably next to it. I was scheduled for a meeting with the Public Relations Manager of this huge company that I was trying to get for the CEO Profile of this (as you all know, I assume) magazine that I am putting together. The meeting place, aside from its unforgivable farness to Makati where my office is, is unfamiliar to me ‘coz I haven’t been there. Adding up to my qualms was the heavy downpour brought about by the first storm of the summer. Our company service was suppose to take me since I arranged for it a day before to make sure that my transportation will be secured. Heaven knows what happened but to make the story short, I ended up commuting my ass off to get to my destination – 30 f*@%ng minutes late. Nakakahiya di ba? Maybe the good heaven blessed my crying soul and granted that PR person to be nice enough not to embarrass me. The meeting went on for about 30-45 minutes and a little before 5pm, I was done. And I thought everything would be fine by then. It turned out my ride home (or back to the office) will not be able to make it as well. Grrr… So I was stuck in land far far away, in a stormy night with noting but self-assurance that I will be okay and I don’t have to make matters worse by being mad about the situation. Instead, I waited patiently for nearly two hours for my heroes – Kaching and ChinChin who went all the way to where I was, storm, traffic and all. I love them.

What annoys me about this whole situation is the reason why everything that was planned was practically shunned to give way to bureaucracy. I hate it. It is vile; it is evil. For the most part, it saddens me that even in a kingdom where there isn’t really any king, that stupid concept prevails. I wasn’t given a ride because the wife (?) of Mr. So-And-So, a high company official, just arrived and needs a ride from the airport. She was given priority of course. And I thought we are advocates of professionalism. Pity. Or, a colleague suddenly needs a ride from where the hell he’s coming from and without the slightest hint of sympathy to that someone (ak.a. me) gets the ride for himself. Jerk.

What saddens me the most is what I often feel about this whole thing – I am unappreciated.

Over-reacting or not, I was pissed.

post v.cay blog

It's only been three days [now] since I got back from my vacation with my family in Boracay but it didn't feel like I really went away for a time. With the load of work that I have right now, I could use some more vacation if given a chance. While I'm here doing all the dirty work to make this magazine a reality, my mind's off somewhere, probably catching some ZZzzsss while basking in the glory of the sun and sipping its favorite choco-banana-peanut shake from Jonas' in Station 1.

It's just so sad.

The little time I had spent with my family during that five-day (in total) vacation was like medication in a way. It, temporarily rid of the incessant head throbbing everytime I think about AQ (the magazine); it made me high I thought I could die =)

I didn't wanna go back until I wake up and prove to myself that this is all just a dream. That I've been sleeping for the past ten months and I was just too tired to break this slumber. The last thing I could remember was that I was a happy-go-lucky business reporter who didn't care about anything or anybody just as long as I could submit my story; then I'm done. I had my own sweet time and I indulge on my craziest whims without worrying at all on anything. Haaay... how did I ever come to this?

You know what the ironic part is? I hate complaining. I hate hearing people complain. I hate being the subject of complaints and I hate myself for complaining about where I am right now. I must stop. Now. Else, I will be more miserable than ever.

How many breaks will I need before I can truly say that I am happy about what I am doing? Ten more Boracay visits? A week in Purto Galera? A month in Baguio where I lived half of my adult life? I guess it's hard to tell. Thanks to these people around me, I still have this little piece of sanity left -- although just hanging by a goddamn thread.

pre-v.cay. blog

i just realized - bitin yung entry ko kahapo... hehe..

i got this from kat and it's pretty neat!

The results of MY analysis say:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

Hmmm... I could say... yea, I'm talkative =)

Been A While

It's been long and I missed updating you -- blog.

I'm being happy these days... I don't exactly know why. It just feels like the dark clouds are finally moving away. This, despite all the problems associated with my Asian Quality -- the magazine. =)

I've been thinking: While it's good to immerse yourself to disparagement once in a while, it is more worthwhile to see yourself coming out of it. The problem with me is that I cannot actually dissociate what I am thinking with what I am feeling.

Sweetness, thy bitter soul!

Why is it that mornings are becoming least and least interesting as each day goes by? She was thinking to herself: How long can people last to endure its sweet repulsiveness? The traffic jams are no more than lullabies to a listless soul, the crowded walkways in the piazza where countless human stink – at least on a glorified level – amalgamate to enthrall your still sleeping wits.

Another day of cold battle, she thought to herself as she made her way [still] giddily to the bathroom. If only she could wash out all that has transpired the previous day and the day before that – if only it’s as simple as that, then maybe life would still be the rainbow-colored realm her childhood has instilled upon her. Or what if these childhood memories are not that even sweet and her subconscious is just trying to keep cover of the hurtful ones? Ah, that is just some lame thought that is being played upon by a sensibility that’s lost and prowled upon by life – the miserable one.

What would it take to regain what was there – that tiny spark of hope, that craving for triumph and the bidding to stay afloat no matter how strong the current goes? What was there was gone the moment her feet took her to the pits of this burning hell; a chaos of the realm – the underworld of the tangible. She had the time to turn back before it gobbled her up whole. She was mystified.

What is that sadness behind her eyes?

just so sad

Because I am too fond of reading my horoscope, here's what it says today:

You are approaching a major turning point today. Get ready to make some changes.

It's a long road, this life, and it's full of big questions. But go ahead and try to work out solutions to the immediate problems. Taking a practical approach might be just the ticket. Clean your room, organize your office, make sure your bills are in order and then go out at night. Time with friends can be a needed relief from all those solitary 'where does this road go anyhow' questions.

It really amazes me. My self is in a complete disarray right now; or at least my thoughts. I thought a quarter life crisis only happens once yet here I am,convinced that I am standing atop a cliff right now, hanging on for dear life.

I feel really bad. = (

18:22

I'm currently pissed off at myself. I know it's the last thing a person should feel (because if you won't love yourself, whoelse will, 'ayt?). I feel like I'm being a pathological liar to my own self. i keep denying things, emotions, feelings... whatever. I feel like I'm masking whatever it is that's inside me. There is nothing more sad than feeling sad within yourself and showing others how happy you are on the outside. Not that I am being sad or anything but I'm not just my old happy self anymore and I really really miss it. I hate being like this. I hate how I usually find myself staring at nothing for what seemed like an eternity without anything on my mind really. Geez, do I need medical attention?
I hate thinking how I felt like I found myself in someone and lost it all at the same time. I did not die; I am hibernating. I am loving the serenity of my own world -- my peace.
Can I ever ever come back?

I slipped and banged my head on the floor...

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you suddenly banged your head and woke up from a deep slumber? That feeling where you felt like seeing again for the first time?

It's hard to tell if what you're feeling [at that moment] is actually true. But you certainly do not want that feeling to just pass you by; you want to hold on to it. It gives you a certain level of exhiliration after being caged [in your own perception of things as dictated or implored upon by whatever's holding you captured at that moment] for quite a long time. I certainly want to hold on to this feeling.

So what's my point? Later.

Isang nakaka-adik na umaga

On my way to work this morning, I'm bombarded with lots of thoughts (ang hilig kase mag-isip) with Manong Driver humming along to the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" song that was playing in the background. Not that it's annoying, but really, it was kind of distracting.
First, I am really furious with my brother for not going home (without our permission) last night. I felt like I tolerated his being a spoiled pain-in-the-ass attitude by actually helping him find the resources for his little outing. Ay nako, that kid will really get it from me later when I get home.

(pause) whoa... My boss is here... I thought he'd be in Cebu today... nyarks... =/

Anyway, just last week, I was caught up in a dilemma about work. Well, I guess it's been solved already. Yesterday, my friend called to tell me that she's turning down the job. Apparently, there were some changes on the original set up that didn't please her much. So I guess the same goes for me. And I guess I'll be stuck in this office for quite some time. Actually, I think it's kind of a blessing in disguise (I hope I am right) since now, I actually have to finish Asian Quality. And did I tell you, the Asian Quality (the person) is coming back... =)

"Panggap" Day

Eto yung mga araw na tinatamad ang lahat ng tao sa opis na magtrabaho... madalas ito tuwing Sabado -- yung mga araw na hinihiling mo na sana ay natutulog ka pa at walang pwedeng umistorbo sa'yo, dahil araw ito ng pahinga.
Eto yung mga araw na imbes na itinutuloy mo ang mga naudlot mong "to-do's" sa nakalipas na linggo, ay nagdo-download ka ng kung anu-anong kanta sa limewire o nagche-check ng emails, o nakikipagdaldalan, o simpleng nakatunganga lang.
Eto yung mga araw na longer-than-usual ang conversations namin with Jean over the phone without feeling really guilty.O di kaya, hindi masyadong pansin kung pumasok man ng late ang mga tao.
Eto yung mga araw na justifiable magsuot ng kung anu-anong damit ang mga tao (rugged, girlash look, mukhang a-attend ng party, mukhang papasok sa mosh-pit, mukhang magmo-mall lang, you decide.) na hindi pupunahin ni Sir Madagascar... hehe.
Eto yung mga araw na hindi masyadong Toxic si Kay, habang nagpapatugtog lang ng music sa 'boom-the-base' nyang speaker. Minsan, generation gap. =)
Eto yung mga araw na okay lang magtitigan maghapon ang lovebirds sa aming maliit na kahon (kung sino sila, kilala nyo na).
Higit sa lahat, okay lang akong mag-blog hangga't gusto ko. (",)

Post-Vacation blah

just the other day, i was sooo excited to tell people about my Hong Kong experience. Well, actually, there's really so much to tell; I just don't have the gusto to write about it. Now, I'm suppose to be working on some things -- my real work and the 'on the sides' -- but hell, just when I am starting to gain my momentum to finish some stuffs for my Asian Quality, Wayne invaded my little own working world to use my PC and I am here at his table blogging myself away. Haayy, this guy, I could really kill... grrr...

Anyway, I am once again torn by a dilemma that only me could answer. My question is, if you're not really happy with what you are doing, but you still have the propensity to do it, would you just give up and flush everything that you've started working on down the drain?

A friend called me up the other day to tell me that she's in need of an assistant in Public Relations (PR) and I am the perfect candidate. In short, she wants me to work "for" her. The PR job is really something that I wanted to do, after my journalism career episode (whoa, did i just say that?!?!). Well, based on her offer, the pay is good but it is not really something to brag about but it will definitely help me go by. And the opportunity to become a core part of a newly-established department in a well-known government bureau is not really something I could just pass up. In other words, I would really love to have that job.

My dilemma: I am not sure if just resigning amid all these Asian Quality madness is the right thing to do. It is already moving and I would love to be a part of this endeavor. I woud surely love to see its first issue printed. But it is not coming out until July, so there.
Second, I will surely miss the company of my friends here -- these people whom I have grown to love more each day. Another working setting would mean another set of people to know and not really please but work in harmony with.

Anyway, I'll have to decide sooner if I really want to get a hold of that job. This makes me sad really.

HongKong Day 1

yey... it's my first day in hongkong and it's really really cool... found this coffee shop that has a free internet use... three more days to go... three more days of [hopefully] heaven... (",)

Mga litanya

March 29, 2006
Miyerkules
Sa Opis.

Buhay nga naman. No matter how hard you try to work things out, they may not always come out the way you want them to. Ang daming tanong sa isip ko ngayon. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? Why am I putting up with this s**t? Alam ko sasabihin ng ibang tao, kung hindi ka na masaya, then move on. ‘Wag mong pilitin ang sarili mo na gawin ang mga bagay na hindi mo feel gawin.’ Sana nga ganun lang kasimple. Kase kung ganun lang, siguro wala akong problema ngayon; walang taong may problema ngayon. Walang spice ang buhay.

Bakit nga ba kinakailangan pang lagyan ng spice ang mga bagay-bagay. Sa lovelife, ‘pag laging magkasundo ang boyfriend at ang girlfriend, sasabihin boring ang relationship. Walang kabuhay-buhay. ‘Pag lagi naming nag-aaway, mauuwi sa hiwalayan. Sa trabaho, ‘pag walang ka-challenge-challenge ang pinapagawa sa’yo, sasabihin mo nagiging stagnant ka, walang growth. ‘Pag may challenge naman, hindi lilipas ang isang minuto sa isang araw na hindi ka magrereklamo sa sobrang dami ng gagawin mo.

Ang tao laging maraming tanong. Minsan, sa sobrang talino pati ang mga bagay na simple lang ang sagot, pinakukumplikado. Minsan tuloy ayaw kong maniwalang may taong kontento na sa buhay nila. Maari pa, madaming taong masaya sa buhay nila – yung mga hindi nagpapaapekto sa mga taong nagbu-bwisit. Yung mga tipong sa simpleng bagay lang, sumasaya na ang araw (ako yata yun). Pero ‘di ibig sabihin, kuntento na sa buhay nila. Marami pa din silang hinahanap; yun nga lang, hindi dito nakasalalay ang buong buhay at pagkatao nila. May longing na tinatawag at hangga’t kaya ay gagawa ng paraan para makuha ang mga bagay na ito. Pero kung hindi kaya, e di hindi. May darating pa. Ganun lang. Nandoon yung pag-asang may darating pa.

Kung bakit ko tinatanong ang mga bagay na ito ay dahil wala lang akong maisulat sa “Message from the Managing Director” na pinapagawa ng boss ko. #

infinite battle to keeping my sanity

yea... I almost got "it" again... almost because even before he erupted, I was able to put out the fire. I don't get it. Why are some people so mean? It's like they get some sort of satisfaction when they make people feel bad about themselves? Do they reach some kind of Nirvana when they show their ugly side to other people? Do they feel like they are the Alpha and the Omega when they see some people cringe at their every whim?

***

do you know that feeling where you seem to like someone but suddenly decided against it because you know it is wrong... or maybe not even wrong... maybe you're just afraid that the entire universe thinks it is not meant to be? have you experienced looking at that person in the eye and see the two of you together and blink only to find out it's all just in the deepest recesses of your imagination? There is longing yet it is suppressed. He touches your hand but you hesitantly pull back afraid that there is nothing really beyond that? I call it "Stupidity". That's me right now.

***

Someone's coming back... but not really coming back. Maybe a preview? I think God just wanted to see me smile even for just a while. In the last few days, I always see that sweet smile of his teasing me -- "Hey, you miss me?" Hell, I do... a lot. I could care less about what others may think. It's been a while, they say. Can't I get over it? Not yet. Not now. I know I am a stubborn little schmuck. But I cannot be the great pretender when it comes to this person. With him, I am an open book. I say what I feel -- yes, amid teardrops and heartaches. So why am I shaking?

arrrggghhhhh

I feel soooooo STUPID. I hate myself this instant.