A long story made short (?)

June 30, 2006 (Friday)

It’s the last day of the month. I’m supposed to be happy because at last it’s payday (I sound pathetic I know but hey, one’s gotta pay her bills right?) I’m supposed to be excited about what July has in-store for me. I wonder if there are more financial woes coming or will I be able to struggle my way up from this current deep shit? But then, July means Asian Quality Magazine’s maiden issue launching. And despite my confidence that we will be able to finish the editorial content on time, I don’t think these people around me trusts me enough. And that’s what pulls down my spirit.
I also feel bad about making one of my friends in the office angry at me. He’s the kind of person who doesn’t get mad easily and I pushed him to the limit. I know it’s my fault and God knows I am very sorry. I just find it difficult to apologize to a guy like him. My bad, my ego’s been deflated.
Oh, and I had an initial interview at Federal Land Inc. this morning for the Public Relations Assistant position and I am glad it went well. In fact, they are asking me to come back this afternoon for the exam on logic and the likes. Too bad I can’t make it. I have to finish a lot of things for Asian Quality. Despite the fact that I’m currently on a job hunt, I know my responsibilities and I wouldn’t leave them hanging.
Anyway, I really feel bad I made someone mad… tsk… tsk…

July 1, 2006 (Saturday)

I still have the dark clouds hovering over me. I need to make amends with my friend. But hey, I was trying to make him laugh and make the first move but I think he doesn’t wanna buy it. I feel like I look stupid. So I give up. Be mad all you want… I care less. (there goes my pride again…).
Vida, Cristine and me left the office early to grab some snacks (lunch for Vida) and “talk” (if you know what I mean). We haven’t had this in a couple of months and we missed pouring out our thoughts on each other. I’m glad Cristine is doing very well these days. Vida, on the other hand, had the same sentiments she had even before leaving for Germany and my heart goes out to her. I mean how can one person die in the inside and appear so alive on the outside? Why ask yourself Thet, you’ve been in the very same situation. In fact, you are currently in the same situation. Maybe that is why I can’t help but be very bitchy at times. (I still feel guilty about my friend!)
Anyway, I spent the rest of my afternoon watching Superman with my ‘Kuya” and “Ate” and her boyfriend. I even got (well, we actually) into a fight trying to reserve good seats to complete the deal. But a bunch of gays cut in the line... that made my blood boil. despite the fact that i truly hate getting into one, i confronted them. Some guts I got just for Superman... hay nako...
Eventhough some of my friends find the movie a little off (di daw maganda) i still love it, except the part where Lois Lane suddenly becomes too class and poised... whatever happened to the clumsy one? I like that better.
Anyway, still have no internet in the office and I wonder what would happen to Asian Quality... tsk.. tsk...

July 2, 2006 (Sunday)

Galing mangunsensiya ni Cristine, I can't stop thinking how big a biAtch I was to Wayne. I promise I would make it up to him... I'll say sorry first thing in the morning tomorrow. It's my fault anyway. Sometimes Thet's gotta do what she doesn't usually do (lower her pride) tsk... tsk... first time ito.
I am also preoccupied with thoughts about the Asian Quality Magazine. Geez, it's killing me... what am I going to do? is hanging yourself, 35 floors up from the ground an option? I'm being morbid, I know. But I gotta finish it. I have to finish it. I want to finish it. Determination... that's what kills me.

Pusang Gala!

some blah blah s**t...

In a world where we do not know where and what are we really going to end up, what is the whole point of going too far? The real world doesn't tell us about our future nor it gives any promises that we will be what we want ourselves to be. Humankind becomes evil by its own regard; we are mere angels who fell from the ground. Some took off their wings while others chose to keep them.

In my own judgement, many angels have broken wings. Everyday, on my way to work, while walking the streets, while hailing a cab, I see them -- looking at me. I maybe among them. But then maybe not.

I want to understand why there are so many people who seem to be always looking for something even though blessings are already peering at them straight in the face. They make me feel sad; they make the world cry. And I pity them. What gives contentment? What makes people say 'enough'? What would it take to make someone happy (in its truest sense?). What does it take to see someone give that genuine smile and the tears flow from the heart?

Everyday, in the world that I live in -- the corporate setting - I am disappointed by what I see. People work like machines; as if there's no heart in them at all. I don't mean all -- sometimes, the ones on top are the more heartless kind. The ones at the bottom receive the blow. How can one man feel superior over another when they have the same pair of hands, the feet that keep them attached to the ground, the mind to think what's wrong or right and the heart to feel?

I wish we have the answers. I wish we have the cure for this malady. The attitude is infectious and eventually, it will all lead us to death.

Eight things

(Sorry Kat, this took eons before posting... )

Tagged by Katkat

Once you've been tagged, you have to write eight (8) facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose the six (6) people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

1. I am a heavy (as in addict) coffee drinker. Been trying to cut down for ages... haaayyyy...

2. I have a strong belief na dati ako akong pusang gala. Maybe that's why I like them so much ('wag lang yung sobrang kadiri na).

3. I've seen the movie "My Sassy Girl" more than twice the number of my fingers and toes(^_^). Yessss... I AM A FAN.

4. I have this weird case of last song syndrome (LSS). Yung tapos na yung kanta at may panibago nang tumutugtog pero ang kinakanta ko pa din yung previous song. I find it annoying.

5. My bad mood remedies : Pachelbel Canon in D; Christian Music; Be deaf and mute for about one hour; and FOOD.

6. Madali akong patawanin. Ergo, madali din akong paiyakin.

7. Ang juvenile ko magka-crush... hehe...

8. Addicted ako sa Korean movies at soap ngayon... hehe.

I'm tagging Kai, ChinChin and Katrine. (Sorry, I can't think of anybody else to tag...)

My 'Kuya'

Hay... how time flies. Whenever my mind flies back to yesteryears, I can't believe that I used to help you dress yourself, even make fun of you while at it, asking you to wear my school skirt despite your protests and cries of torment. I am truly sorry.

I remember that time when you were born. I woke up surprised to see that I was hugging 'Lola Inang' instead of mom. It turned out she was out to deliver you into this world. It was funny though because I can't remember being angry at the situation or feeling threatened that someone would share pop and mom's affection; that I wouldn't be the 'baby' of the family anymore.

In fact, I was kind of excited. I shared your crib and even your Cerelac. I accepted the fact that you can have everything that you want because you were YOU. Yes, there were times when we fought like cats and dogs, imitated Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior because of some petty squabbles with 'Ate' as our usual referee.

When I remember those, I can't help but laugh. How you have grown over the years. Sure, we still fight; You still make my blood boil and drive me out of my wits. You still make me cry. But being your older sister, I don't have the heart to be mad at you for so long that I often give in. I let things pass because even though you don't say it, I know you are sorry.

Being a softie isn't a part of you. You always project that 'toughie' attitude that sometimes repel even our folks. Yet you are so caring and so sweet, a loving and thoughtful 'Kuya' who takes care of both 'Ate' and me . Truly, you are the 'Kuya' that we never had.

I thank God you didn't grow up to be a delinquent or a rebel. Instead, you choose to be responsible and be the 'kind' person that you are right now.

An artist, a musician, a romantic -- you are all of these.

You are growing up so fast. You are maturing beyond your years. And I am so proud of you.

'AYLACHU' KUYA!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Mwaaaah!

Cute...

Ang cute... (",)

Behind the enemy's smile...

Has the world turned suddenly upside down? I caught the monster smiling at me; I’m not sure if it was the usual vile smirk I’m seeing but it still gave me that ethereal feeling. It wasn’t true at all. But he did put me in the spot. Was he trying to make amends? Was he trying to win back that sick little kitten ‘who’ was too subservient to be true?

One thing is for sure. I am not giving in. He put up the red flag and now I’m waving it [furiously]against him. And no, I’m not giving in. He pushed… I pushed harder… away from him… away from the ruthless arms that strangles the last breath of self-respect. I’m winning it back; I didn’t lose it in the first place.

Quoting the great ‘Churchill’, “I will never give up…” not until his stone cold heart turns out to be as warm as the smile of a skylark (does it even smile?). For now, I will traverse these thorny paths until I reach the dreamland that awaits me. It’s not too long; it will be soon. I can already taste it – the sweet soothing taste of glory.

- Ode to the monster that gobbled me up whole as a birthday gift -

Eto... Panalo...

Clay Aiken's impersonator Michael Sendeki during the American Idol Finale. Sobrang funny!!!

Bwisit.

It may be this headache that's been killing me for the last couple of hours or I just woke up on the wrong side of my itsy-bitsy bed.
I am really annoyed and pissed off and bothered at work today. it's weird because I can't tell what really causes me this torment but I have a slight idea of what it might be. Ang gulo... leche. I'd bet my bottom peso -- about 75% of my gloomy attitude is because of work. I am f***ing feeling it again -- the helplessness; the feeling that you are nothing but s**t; a freeloader to this profit-making factory (the burning pits of hell on earth). And I swear to God, I know within myself that I'm not even half close to this.
To hell with the people that make me miserable. I love life, it loves me back... die & rot asswipes.

***

premonitions...

10 am- I haven't done much. maybe because it's Monday. We all the have the weekend hang-over. But then again, maybe it's just me...
At the count of three, I'm gonna be officially ill... 1... 2... 3...
I feel like I'm coming down with a flu; a week-long flu that will get me bed-ridden, immobile, useless, hurting all over because of painful joints and aching muscles, light-headed... yet peaceful (^_^) - no workload and s**t...

Sensitivity... the word that kills

I am sensitive – extremely sensitive. I can laugh at the silliest jokes (only I could appreciate) and shed tears a-la-Maria Cristina falls just by listening to Pachelbel’s Canon in D. I wouldn’t try to explain.

Yesterday, my onion-skin like emotional “aptitude” was put to the test. Just when I thought I felt the worst in this hell-on-earth cleverly disguised as a ‘money factory’, I saw what is probably next to it. I was scheduled for a meeting with the Public Relations Manager of this huge company that I was trying to get for the CEO Profile of this (as you all know, I assume) magazine that I am putting together. The meeting place, aside from its unforgivable farness to Makati where my office is, is unfamiliar to me ‘coz I haven’t been there. Adding up to my qualms was the heavy downpour brought about by the first storm of the summer. Our company service was suppose to take me since I arranged for it a day before to make sure that my transportation will be secured. Heaven knows what happened but to make the story short, I ended up commuting my ass off to get to my destination – 30 f*@%ng minutes late. Nakakahiya di ba? Maybe the good heaven blessed my crying soul and granted that PR person to be nice enough not to embarrass me. The meeting went on for about 30-45 minutes and a little before 5pm, I was done. And I thought everything would be fine by then. It turned out my ride home (or back to the office) will not be able to make it as well. Grrr… So I was stuck in land far far away, in a stormy night with noting but self-assurance that I will be okay and I don’t have to make matters worse by being mad about the situation. Instead, I waited patiently for nearly two hours for my heroes – Kaching and ChinChin who went all the way to where I was, storm, traffic and all. I love them.

What annoys me about this whole situation is the reason why everything that was planned was practically shunned to give way to bureaucracy. I hate it. It is vile; it is evil. For the most part, it saddens me that even in a kingdom where there isn’t really any king, that stupid concept prevails. I wasn’t given a ride because the wife (?) of Mr. So-And-So, a high company official, just arrived and needs a ride from the airport. She was given priority of course. And I thought we are advocates of professionalism. Pity. Or, a colleague suddenly needs a ride from where the hell he’s coming from and without the slightest hint of sympathy to that someone (ak.a. me) gets the ride for himself. Jerk.

What saddens me the most is what I often feel about this whole thing – I am unappreciated.

Over-reacting or not, I was pissed.

post v.cay blog

It's only been three days [now] since I got back from my vacation with my family in Boracay but it didn't feel like I really went away for a time. With the load of work that I have right now, I could use some more vacation if given a chance. While I'm here doing all the dirty work to make this magazine a reality, my mind's off somewhere, probably catching some ZZzzsss while basking in the glory of the sun and sipping its favorite choco-banana-peanut shake from Jonas' in Station 1.

It's just so sad.

The little time I had spent with my family during that five-day (in total) vacation was like medication in a way. It, temporarily rid of the incessant head throbbing everytime I think about AQ (the magazine); it made me high I thought I could die =)

I didn't wanna go back until I wake up and prove to myself that this is all just a dream. That I've been sleeping for the past ten months and I was just too tired to break this slumber. The last thing I could remember was that I was a happy-go-lucky business reporter who didn't care about anything or anybody just as long as I could submit my story; then I'm done. I had my own sweet time and I indulge on my craziest whims without worrying at all on anything. Haaay... how did I ever come to this?

You know what the ironic part is? I hate complaining. I hate hearing people complain. I hate being the subject of complaints and I hate myself for complaining about where I am right now. I must stop. Now. Else, I will be more miserable than ever.

How many breaks will I need before I can truly say that I am happy about what I am doing? Ten more Boracay visits? A week in Purto Galera? A month in Baguio where I lived half of my adult life? I guess it's hard to tell. Thanks to these people around me, I still have this little piece of sanity left -- although just hanging by a goddamn thread.

pre-v.cay. blog

i just realized - bitin yung entry ko kahapo... hehe..

i got this from kat and it's pretty neat!

The results of MY analysis say:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

Hmmm... I could say... yea, I'm talkative =)

Been A While

It's been long and I missed updating you -- blog.

I'm being happy these days... I don't exactly know why. It just feels like the dark clouds are finally moving away. This, despite all the problems associated with my Asian Quality -- the magazine. =)

I've been thinking: While it's good to immerse yourself to disparagement once in a while, it is more worthwhile to see yourself coming out of it. The problem with me is that I cannot actually dissociate what I am thinking with what I am feeling.

Sweetness, thy bitter soul!

Why is it that mornings are becoming least and least interesting as each day goes by? She was thinking to herself: How long can people last to endure its sweet repulsiveness? The traffic jams are no more than lullabies to a listless soul, the crowded walkways in the piazza where countless human stink – at least on a glorified level – amalgamate to enthrall your still sleeping wits.

Another day of cold battle, she thought to herself as she made her way [still] giddily to the bathroom. If only she could wash out all that has transpired the previous day and the day before that – if only it’s as simple as that, then maybe life would still be the rainbow-colored realm her childhood has instilled upon her. Or what if these childhood memories are not that even sweet and her subconscious is just trying to keep cover of the hurtful ones? Ah, that is just some lame thought that is being played upon by a sensibility that’s lost and prowled upon by life – the miserable one.

What would it take to regain what was there – that tiny spark of hope, that craving for triumph and the bidding to stay afloat no matter how strong the current goes? What was there was gone the moment her feet took her to the pits of this burning hell; a chaos of the realm – the underworld of the tangible. She had the time to turn back before it gobbled her up whole. She was mystified.

What is that sadness behind her eyes?

just so sad

Because I am too fond of reading my horoscope, here's what it says today:

You are approaching a major turning point today. Get ready to make some changes.

It's a long road, this life, and it's full of big questions. But go ahead and try to work out solutions to the immediate problems. Taking a practical approach might be just the ticket. Clean your room, organize your office, make sure your bills are in order and then go out at night. Time with friends can be a needed relief from all those solitary 'where does this road go anyhow' questions.

It really amazes me. My self is in a complete disarray right now; or at least my thoughts. I thought a quarter life crisis only happens once yet here I am,convinced that I am standing atop a cliff right now, hanging on for dear life.

I feel really bad. = (

18:22

I'm currently pissed off at myself. I know it's the last thing a person should feel (because if you won't love yourself, whoelse will, 'ayt?). I feel like I'm being a pathological liar to my own self. i keep denying things, emotions, feelings... whatever. I feel like I'm masking whatever it is that's inside me. There is nothing more sad than feeling sad within yourself and showing others how happy you are on the outside. Not that I am being sad or anything but I'm not just my old happy self anymore and I really really miss it. I hate being like this. I hate how I usually find myself staring at nothing for what seemed like an eternity without anything on my mind really. Geez, do I need medical attention?
I hate thinking how I felt like I found myself in someone and lost it all at the same time. I did not die; I am hibernating. I am loving the serenity of my own world -- my peace.
Can I ever ever come back?

I slipped and banged my head on the floor...

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you suddenly banged your head and woke up from a deep slumber? That feeling where you felt like seeing again for the first time?

It's hard to tell if what you're feeling [at that moment] is actually true. But you certainly do not want that feeling to just pass you by; you want to hold on to it. It gives you a certain level of exhiliration after being caged [in your own perception of things as dictated or implored upon by whatever's holding you captured at that moment] for quite a long time. I certainly want to hold on to this feeling.

So what's my point? Later.

Isang nakaka-adik na umaga

On my way to work this morning, I'm bombarded with lots of thoughts (ang hilig kase mag-isip) with Manong Driver humming along to the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" song that was playing in the background. Not that it's annoying, but really, it was kind of distracting.
First, I am really furious with my brother for not going home (without our permission) last night. I felt like I tolerated his being a spoiled pain-in-the-ass attitude by actually helping him find the resources for his little outing. Ay nako, that kid will really get it from me later when I get home.

(pause) whoa... My boss is here... I thought he'd be in Cebu today... nyarks... =/

Anyway, just last week, I was caught up in a dilemma about work. Well, I guess it's been solved already. Yesterday, my friend called to tell me that she's turning down the job. Apparently, there were some changes on the original set up that didn't please her much. So I guess the same goes for me. And I guess I'll be stuck in this office for quite some time. Actually, I think it's kind of a blessing in disguise (I hope I am right) since now, I actually have to finish Asian Quality. And did I tell you, the Asian Quality (the person) is coming back... =)

"Panggap" Day

Eto yung mga araw na tinatamad ang lahat ng tao sa opis na magtrabaho... madalas ito tuwing Sabado -- yung mga araw na hinihiling mo na sana ay natutulog ka pa at walang pwedeng umistorbo sa'yo, dahil araw ito ng pahinga.
Eto yung mga araw na imbes na itinutuloy mo ang mga naudlot mong "to-do's" sa nakalipas na linggo, ay nagdo-download ka ng kung anu-anong kanta sa limewire o nagche-check ng emails, o nakikipagdaldalan, o simpleng nakatunganga lang.
Eto yung mga araw na longer-than-usual ang conversations namin with Jean over the phone without feeling really guilty.O di kaya, hindi masyadong pansin kung pumasok man ng late ang mga tao.
Eto yung mga araw na justifiable magsuot ng kung anu-anong damit ang mga tao (rugged, girlash look, mukhang a-attend ng party, mukhang papasok sa mosh-pit, mukhang magmo-mall lang, you decide.) na hindi pupunahin ni Sir Madagascar... hehe.
Eto yung mga araw na hindi masyadong Toxic si Kay, habang nagpapatugtog lang ng music sa 'boom-the-base' nyang speaker. Minsan, generation gap. =)
Eto yung mga araw na okay lang magtitigan maghapon ang lovebirds sa aming maliit na kahon (kung sino sila, kilala nyo na).
Higit sa lahat, okay lang akong mag-blog hangga't gusto ko. (",)

Post-Vacation blah

just the other day, i was sooo excited to tell people about my Hong Kong experience. Well, actually, there's really so much to tell; I just don't have the gusto to write about it. Now, I'm suppose to be working on some things -- my real work and the 'on the sides' -- but hell, just when I am starting to gain my momentum to finish some stuffs for my Asian Quality, Wayne invaded my little own working world to use my PC and I am here at his table blogging myself away. Haayy, this guy, I could really kill... grrr...

Anyway, I am once again torn by a dilemma that only me could answer. My question is, if you're not really happy with what you are doing, but you still have the propensity to do it, would you just give up and flush everything that you've started working on down the drain?

A friend called me up the other day to tell me that she's in need of an assistant in Public Relations (PR) and I am the perfect candidate. In short, she wants me to work "for" her. The PR job is really something that I wanted to do, after my journalism career episode (whoa, did i just say that?!?!). Well, based on her offer, the pay is good but it is not really something to brag about but it will definitely help me go by. And the opportunity to become a core part of a newly-established department in a well-known government bureau is not really something I could just pass up. In other words, I would really love to have that job.

My dilemma: I am not sure if just resigning amid all these Asian Quality madness is the right thing to do. It is already moving and I would love to be a part of this endeavor. I woud surely love to see its first issue printed. But it is not coming out until July, so there.
Second, I will surely miss the company of my friends here -- these people whom I have grown to love more each day. Another working setting would mean another set of people to know and not really please but work in harmony with.

Anyway, I'll have to decide sooner if I really want to get a hold of that job. This makes me sad really.