I want to do away with the MEAN in me.

Today I tried not to be angry.

I just had a sudden realization that I've been torn away from my happy self for who knows how long already and it is causing me nothing else but misery. I used to be that person who can laugh as if it was the last and spend the day just being nice. I can't even recall when I started being a monster. Six months ago? One year? Two years?

Yes, I used to be nice. I was way far from the mean person that I am right now. I always have a smile on my face and I can be cheered even by the most 'corny' remarks that you could think of. A cup of coffee could make my day along with a nod / nudge from a friend.

I was happy.

Now, thinking about how I miss that pure happiness makes me want to cry. What happened to me?

I was too immersed in my own web, not thinking about others. I became a little superficial and arrogant. I felt that if others didn't need me in their lives, why the hell would I need them in mine? Only to find out that life will not be complete with only you alone in it. I became the 'mighty snapper'. I'd snap at anyone who crosses my path (especially at work) and bring out that shield - the invisible armor - with a creeping paranoia that others would probably want to get close and be friends now but they will leave even before I blink. I guess I was just tired letting people in my life and missing them too much when they are gone. But nobody says they are; I just thought that.

Now I realized, I am shutting people out even before they come in my life. That's the sad part. And I want to change that. It's difficult to say but I will try it. I will be happy again.