Coming Home

After more than four months of living sort of independently, I am finally coming back to my parents' house. I've been thinking about this the time I set foot on my pseudo-abode but still considered moving anyway. And now, I am half-hearted about the whole thing. Part of me wants to stay and savor [more] my so-called bitter-sweet independence while the other part is yearning to go home, to my own room, sleep on my own bed and just be with my family.

Looking back, I have come to realize that half my life, I've been away from home. After highschool, I started living on my own, far from the confines of the safety of my home in Manila. My school was far up north where I do not have any relatives to run to just in case something bad happens. But the whole experience turned out to be one of the biggest achievements of my life. It taught me that the world goes round like it usually does but the phase of life that you'll lead will always depend on you.

I've lived among strangers, some of which have become part of my journey while others remained as distant drifters. I came to know the world in its real sense while discovering a whole new me in the process. And so right after college, I had the notion that I can live perfectly on my own. I became too independent that I thought running away from time to time (especially if things at home do not go my way) is a natural resort. I was technically a "stokwa", a "stow away" or whatever they call it.

My first job, much to my enjoyment, required a lot of travelling. By then I was a certfied nomad... I go places, I was never home. I was enjoying every minute of it.

As much as I would like to stay close, there are circumstances that forces me to drift away. My family is not a picture perfect one. There are times that it resembles a battlefield. And knowing the stubborn little crazy ass that I am, I always refuse to wave the white flag. I live up to my 'maldita' attitude. I always run away.

But now I am coming home. I want to live at least a few moments confined in its four walls, knowing that there, i will always be safe.

I am... Today.

I am...

... currently under the weather. Thanks to the Tagaytay trip and the heavy downpour last Saturday... In the last two hours, I have consumed two jumbo packs of tissue. My nose is 'running' like hell (swear, it has a mind of its own). I badly need a dose of vitamin C.

... staring blankly at my monitor and seriously considers doing so for the rest of the day.

...bombarded by thoughts about the Asian Quality -- both the magazine and the person... great... just great.

... skipping lunch (again... hehe)

missing AQ

thanks to cristine and the boyzIImen, i feel like i am a little unnerved today. someone crossed my mind. someone whom i thought i would be able to get over with in just a week's time (okay, two or three weeks) after all, i was really hurt and i guess it still stings. i mean, really... i don't know why this guy made such an impression on me. okay, he's cute, funny, a no-nonsense good conversationalist, an artist, an introvert and extrovert combined (confusing huh?!) and super kuliiit! (my weakness... hehe!) okay, i'm a big hypocrite if i do not admit that i miss him. yea, maybe just a little... or maybe quite the opposite... I've been thinking a lot about him these days. sad no? workload and all... psyched out or not... he is there... constantly popping into my head. I suppose there is nothing really wrong about it as long as i keep my sanity in tact and avoid doing crazy things like confessing (hehe) to him for the second time. i mean i am way over that... i'd slap myself hard if i have to. i guess i just miss the person...

senti bigla...

More than three weeks have passed since I let go of you. And looking back, i thought i would have regained my usual "happy" self in two weeks time or so. i even gave myself a deadline. Now I laugh as if there is no looking back. I refer to you almost as a non-existent person. i act as if we haven't even crossed paths.

But every laugh, every denial is just part of the show. it's sad that even though you are intangible, you are still here. i laugh at your memories, our short-lived but worthy moments. it's as if you've left a ot of debris before you went away... they are still scattered... when will you ever go away?

work spasm

i don't have anything to write today. but just to make use of my idle (and wasted) time in front of kay's monitor... i compel myself to string these words.
don't get the wrong picture; i actually have tons of 'to do's' so long, it could actually compare with lotto's long line of aspiring millionaire wannabe's but [again] i am not my usual 'hardworking' self today. no matter how deep i concentrate, everything seems like a void.
i can't help but think: my existence is dictated by the 'senseless' routinary things i do at work. Forgive me, but i really can't fathom my importance in this corporate setting. I can't define what i need to do or at least prove my worth (especially, when every single time you are bombarded with the incessant 'psyching out' shrekkie so love to do). hmmm... maybe i should consider another job? tried that... but what's the point... i haven't proven anything yet. If ever, fate allows, i'd be able to stay for at least one year in this office, i want to leave something i would be remembered of (seriously!) I am serious about this whole Asian Quality thing but to my dismay, i think i am not getting enough moral boosting from my superior. That's the funny thing about it. I am being passionate about something that is not even mine or i don't know if i'd even have the license to call it mine.
as much as i hate writing (or complaining) about work, there isn't really anything to tell you... sorry...

Ode to the Pretty Dork...

toothache, stress, euphoria and all...

am i suppose to be sad?

maybe not...

but then again,

maybe just a little.

Ouch my tooth (isa lang e) aches...

i've been suffering from incessant tooth throbbing in the last two days... i swear i'd rather have any other ache than this one... it paralyzes my nerve brains... i can't think, i can't do anything... even eat... as much as i'd like to just sleep this off, i feel like "shrek" has his watchful eyes on me (or again, am i just being paranoid?)
i wonder why sometimes, even the tiniest part of our body can have a control on our entirety and make us suffer until we beg 'No more!' like this frigging tooth which, in the first place, i should have gotten rid off months ago... i swear i'm having it extracted this weekend... tiny piece of sh*t...

Grrr....

Alas! And the psyching out starts.... hmmmppppp..... hay nako!

a smoggy outlook

my clock reads 2:17pm and i sit paralayzed in front of my monitor. just like the haze that's been building up outside my office window and the smog that pollutes the makati skyline, my mind is as blank and empty. i woke up in disdain dreading another 8 hours, well consider it 10 hours of work...of working for something that is not even there (at the moment). what pains me the most is not being appreaciated at all and that is how i see things here. and i though this only happens inside the big screen - you know, people working haplessly, routinely like robots that have been programmed for a day's work... pathetic but it's happening.
ans so i spent my lunch (one whole hour of it) still in front of my monitor taking a nice nap. and i mean really nice coz i even wandered off to dreamland .. i just can't remember what, where and when. and then i woke still feeling 'blah' (as i always like to put it) and browsed on the net, only to discover Ping Medina's live journal page. geez, i swear he's really 'asteeggg'!!!he, at this sweet stage of life, still unripe and juvenile, writes like a God. haven't read anyone like him before. (careful thet, he's taken...hehe) well, technically, he's still looking and seems contented with occassional flirting and not yet officially attached but it's like half of the women population is enamoured by his natural charm, so what are the chances, di ba?
so much for this... i need to prove my worth now.

shrek-kie pisses me off...

i usually find shrek, the ogre quite amusing. but since my friend associated him with this person whom i have grown to hate as the days passed, i now flinch at the slightest thought of him. Well, just like Shrek, he is big and frightful. he has this mood swings that everybody has become accustomed to (well, not me and i don't think i would be able to tolerate it). i don't know but i have always believed about 'not speaking ill of thy superiors' but sometimes you just have to do it to feel good about yourself. besides, there are certain circumstances when you have to put yourself first before others in order to feel that you're still worth something. it's funny how i sound like a defensive schmuck, but hey, i still got a job to keep (at least for now) but i really can't help it if sometimes, he really or all that psyching out (as i like to put it) gets into me. most people i know says that in time i'll be used to it. but the thing is, I DON'T WANNA BE USED TO IT. I HATE IT.

view from the top

Nice rooftop view...

like the clouds...

like to feel a free fall...

suicidal?

overwhelmed...

i thought i was ten-pound lighter by the time our meeting for the Asian Quality Magazine is over. My mind seems to have a big black hole in it that it sucked all that was stored in there a moment ago... had i not taken notes, i am dead meat. There were too many things to do, too many things to consider, too many letters to write, too many people to talk to, too many emails to send, too many hours to spend in front of my friggin' monitor, too many ass**les to follow-up with, too many caffeine to take (to keep my screws working!), too many emotional traumas to keep aside and too much more to think about... *sigh* and yeah, too many blogs to compose to air out the things that've been killing me (a slow painful death). I wonder if i could get to live my 30s without white streaks in my hair... tsk...
I am extremely thankful that at my age (23 isn't too old yet, is it?), i get to experience and learn a lot of things, career-wise (altho' the pay is nothing to brag about). I am getting everything that i need, including the unnecessary and uncalled for 'psyching out' from my superior once in a while... but hey, i can [still] live with it. I am jut overwhelmed by this whole magazine thing that i can't help but be worried that i might just screw it up. I mean, I know about publications and stuff but i never thought that one day, i would be handling one... at least not at this age. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining... again, i am just overwhelmed.
And so I am left without a choice this time. I need to do this. After all, I really wanted to do this. I just need all the help that I can get and maybe tons of prayers.