Wake up.

What am I doing losing my way?

Good Tuesday morning! I hope this will be one helluva different week - more positive and productive and filled with smiles and laughter. I guess I am tired of succumbing to hopelessness and too much negativity.

As much as this dark cloud clings to my head everytime I'm in the office, I am trying to look outside my office window where the sun shines today like it is keeping its promise.

***

We had a slumber 'party' last weekend at Ria's place in South Forbes. Hell, her house is so darn huge like those houses I see only in soap operas and movies. I was, how do you call it... 'house struck'?

And this weekend, I was invited by Chinchin to join their little outing in La Luz, Laiya, Batangas... Can't wait... beach... beach... here I come. =)

Me and my short short hair... ayshhh...

I am having regrets... this feeling that I hate the most. This wasn't suppose to happen. I said I would try very hard to ignore this urge... I knew it would lead me to damnation...

I shouldn't have cut my hair. And now, I'm missing it already... = (

I was just suppose to accompany my friend Chinchin to this Korean Salon in West of Ayala 'coz she wants to get her hair fixed. But then, I found all the justification to splurge 500 bucks on my hair (it's starting to annoy me anyway, I want to sport a short 'do, I want a new look, blah... blah... blah), I succumbed to my whim and entrusted my mane to this gay Korean guy who probably doesn't know how to smile. And it was actually my first time to see a Korean gay guy and it amused me a little... ehehe...

It was probably the language. He didn't understand me or he misunderstood my instructions... I don't know. As far as I can remember, I was very clear "I want this hairstyle" (while pointing to an image in their hairstyle index... "Not too short... up to here only... (while pointing to a spot just above my boob).

But no. The hair cut was a freaking disaster... it's too short. I feel like Go Eun Chan / Yoon Eun-Hye (not that I am as pretty as her...hehe) in Coffee Prince. I look like a guy... waaahhh....
I look like this --->>> (I am not as happy as I look believe me...)

Then maybe it has its rewards... This gay guy I saw yesterday at the conference I attended in Tagaytay might actually fall in love with me, thinking that I am a guy... hehe. He looks like Lee Jun Ki.. he's such an eye candy.. I drooled. Hehe.. Exag. I still can't get over the fact that he made my heart leaped over Mt. Everest and dropped peach-like the moment he opened his mouth. It was so frustrating. Grr... They say when you're heart broken, move on... there are still many fishes in the sea. Problem is, these fishes want to eat their own kind... they huddle together... and they f*** (bleep) together. Oh, man!

Faffy Jae Won's lost twin

This Chinese singer, Nicholas Teo looks like my faffy Jae Won... And I thought 'ngangabunch's' (as my deluded gay cousin calls him) face is unique... tee-hee! Anyway, Nicholas Teo is a very good singer. I like his songs, especially this one...

Sick sick sick

I've been dead for two and a half days - last weekend to be exact. I went home earlier than usual (around 3pm) last Friday because of a head-splitting headache and nausea. I vomited thrice that afternoon and I went into a deep slumber. I have no idea what happened next...

I've been like this - dead on the inside -- for the last couple of weeks. I live through numerous prescription drugs and minimal food intake that I usually take out of my system even before they have stayed long enough in my stomach for digestion. I feel so weak that my eyes hurt at the slight sight of bright lights and my muscles and joints feel perpetually exhausted.

But today morning, I mustered up all the strength that's left in me to go to work. I am probably straining myself too much and the consequences aren't pretty. I wish I could just lie down all day and not worry about work and the pending write-ups that I have. I wish I wouldn't have to stress myself because of yet another delayed release of this magazine I'm handling.

I feel so numb; I'm half-asleep, half-awake. My eyes are open but they don't recognize anything. Everything seems to be dictated by the slow condescending feeling that makes me want to immerse myself in complete isolation. I hear my slow steady breathing but I can't feel my own soul. It left me already.

Why do I feel this dead when I'm still alive?

Mmmm...mmmorning!

This was the first time in months (or probably years?) that I reached the office before 7 am and damn, it felt good. I was always telling my friend Gelai that it was sort of my dream to be at the office early in the morning, watch the sunrise through my office window while sipping a hot cup of coffee, mesmerized by the beauty of (albeit polluted) Makati skyline and indulging in the sweetness of silence.
I'm having a hard time focusing on writing these days and I thought it might be a good therapy for my already rusting brain...

still gray...

Ordinary day, ordinary phase in an ordinary life of an ordinary soul. I still feel so sick inside... holes inside... As Joe Brooks said "...'coz sometimes, faith and your dreams will collide..."

I feel like I have this 'gi-normous' (if there is such a term) hole inside of me that sucks the last ounce of the cheerful me... I am becoming black.

Drama... drama.

What am I doing with my life? I honestly don't know. I am probably in that point where I should be certain about what I am doing and yet, I don't really know which direction am I heading. It's suppose to be simple and clear. I could easily enumerate all the things that I have right now and those that I would want to have in the future. I mean, I am living with my family, I have a job, I love my job (it's different from loving where you are exactly), I love my friends at work, I love the things that I have at work - from the laptop computer that have been so "graciously" given to me (so that I wouldn't have any reason not to do my job well...) to my little multi-colored post-its and to my overly abused coffee cup. They make me happy. Those little things make my day.

But why do I feel like sh*t these days? I feel like I have no direction at all. My everyday routine is turning into a vicious cycle - either I do or I don't. Probably it's the rule of life and I have to stick to it no matter what but this is the point where the character turns suicidal. If only I could put a bullet in my head, then I'd probably have nothing more to complain about. I am starting to sound so deluded and out of my wits but I really feel so low. Work is putting too much pressure on me and I need some time to digress. I need some time to be alone. I want to hide myself in a little cupboard on a one-way-ticket train heading somewhere far. Sometimes people wonder why someone who seems to have everything suddenly ends everything.

I have lots of dreams - I want to apply for scholarships abroad and continue writing. I want to write my own novel someday - chic lit, some Pulitzer-prize worthy sh*t or a self-help book, it doesn't matter. I want to be published and be taken seriously as a professional journalist. I want to be my own captain or work for someone that is worth calling a 'boss' and not some stupid f*ck who thinks peoples' lives revolves at the palm of his hands because he feeds them... sanctimonious pile of dung.

*This is probably my entry which has the most number of cuss words in it...

I am not angry. I am pissed off. I am frustrated and 'am half-tempted to sleep and never wake up. How come it is so damn easy to smile when deep inside, you're mourning for yourself and the death of your happiness? I can easily forget sadness when I see people and talk to friends and bombard myself with worries about what I haven't done yet that needs to be done and what I shouldn't have done. I forget the pain and the tugging feelings of brain torture, regret, heartache and who - in heaven's name - knows. Sometimes, no matter how I love being around some people, I tend to pull myself away for fear of giving them the impression that I am giving myself away too much. Friends come and go but little do they know that a part of me dies along with those who killed my trust and respect.

I miss being carefree and being stupid not caring whether the world thinks I am just a gum on a side street, ready to piss the hell out of someone. I miss being invisible yet important and loved. I miss smiling for someone. I miss laughing for no one. I miss ME.

Ma... mama...mum... mummie... ma...mom...

This one's for you... Happy Birthday Omma!!!

Flu, flu go away...

Why am I such a weakling? I am down again with a flu - terrible colds and a painful cough. Like the magazine that I am working on, this virus seems to attack me on a bimonthly basis - I usually get infected once every two months.

Haay.

But my day wasn't limited to lounging in bed the whole time and sleeping like crazy but instead I am in front of my laptop, typing away some email responses. Plus , the not-so-nice ogre have given me tons (again) to worry about. So what's new? I might as well carried my ass off to work.

I feel so bad... especially my sinuses. Do you know that awful feeling when you swallowed salt water through your nostrils... bleck! I can't swallow normally and my air passage is being blocked by gallons of (forgive me, but I have to mention) mucus... ehehe... I wish I could get rid of them with one powerful blow.

My mom's even blaming me for getting sick. She said it's my six hour computer marathon yesterday afternoon that gave me the bug. Totally incoherent but hey, mom's a mom - they think they are always right. I'd say I've been exposed to too much radiation (from the PC screen) and this aggravated the situation. The next thing I know I have a high-fever.

I can't help it, I finally found a site where I could watch Entourage whenever I want - sidereel.com. Try it! It got almost all the American TV Series and even new movies. So nice. I am so hooked and crazy about the Ari-Lloyd tandem. Anyway, I was alternately watching Entourage at sidereel and 'The Coffee Prince' at youtube the whole yesterday afternoon. Mom's probably got a point.

Anyway, I hope I can get to work already tomorrow as I've tons of other things to worry about other than this darn flu.

Pachelbel Rant

I love Pachelbel Canon in D with all of my being but this guy just made my night =) hehe... enjoy Rob Paravonian's funny rantings about how he hated Pachelbel...

I'm hungry, thus, this.

My horoscope says I have to use my creativity to make dinner and I should invite friends over. Now I believe, it isn't really true. How can I make dinner when I don't know how to cook?!? Me and my pathetic self. As a matter of fact, I'm waiting for my kuya to finish cooking pasta for me. I haven't had any real food since I got my braces until yesterday. I tried eating a full meal at Uncle Kenny's during lunch and I ended up with a hurting mouth and jaw the rest of the day. Tsk...

Anyway, I'm glad I am somehow getting used to the feeling of having a 'metal' in my mouth. But I still can't eat a decent meal and I sooooo missed it. I have slurred speech (at times), I can't smile pretty anymore and I drool (hehe). Talk about the perils of having this thing in my mouth... haay. Looking at the brighter side, I am losing a lot of weight. I just hope it wouldn't be too much 'coz I don't wanna be a walking stick. I still have to wear this for eight more months.

Moving on...

Once again, I am in this situation where I am confused about what I want about work. A friend got in touch recently and she wants me to try to get in her company. I'd say it was actually a tempting offer but I still got a lot of plans for my 'baby' - the magazine. I really don't want to leave it hanging just like that. Anyway, as much as I hate the ogre, I love my job and the things that I do. I probably know my answer already.

I still hate 'E'. I wonder what have I done to him to deserve being treated like a nobody... like someone INVISIBLE and not worthy of his attention. It's funny how someone so far can affect me this much (or atleast two days ago because I feel okay now). I have decided not to dwell too much on this 'infatuation' (as he jack-assly puts it) and move on like I actually don't care. I know he couldn't possibly smile for me.

'E'-nough

I've actually posted this blog in my multiply but dang, I didn't see it when I refreshed the page... it must've been too dramatic and pathetic that even my site refused to show it...

Anyway, this post was about my stupid, old rantings about my frustration about this boy *there's this boy and he kind'a has my heart* Now, I'd say he HAD my heart.

I am so frustrated yesterday when I learned (with a little bit of proof) that this guy that I have had my big eyes on for two years, two months, eleven days, four hours and fifteen minutes (as of yesterday afternoon) is nothing but a big ball of a jackass. I refuse to elaborate further.

Mental Dental

My teeth have been ripping off my purse... I'm in a serious need of mouth or more like teeth overhaul. I've been seeing my dentist for the last couple of days and every time, I feel poorer and poorer... waah!

The last time I went to a doctor because of severe back pains, I was diagnosed with a 'sensitive nerve' that might be linked or caused by my 'lockjaw'... whatever that is. No matter how it seemed weird, it was, after all, normal for me - especially when my back kills me that I can't sleep at night because of the pain. The solution -- I had to wear braces! No, not back braces... as in teeth braces to fix the lockjaw and the underbite (or is this overbite?)

And the cost... geez, I'm really not happy about it. I have to pester my mom to help me with the downpayment and now, I have to cut back and stop spending too much to save the money that'll be needed to pay the rest of it. I'm starting to do the major 'money-saving' thing by:

1. Instead of taking a cab to and from work, I take the Makati Loop FXs in the morning and jeep on my way home.
2. I try to bring packed lunch as much as possible.
3. I don't go near a mall.
4. I temporarily erased Starbucks and Coffee Bean off my memory.
5. I am cutting back on late night snacks from 7-11 and my mom's tindahan.

I'll think of other ways I'm sure and I'm crossing my fingers tight. v(^__^)v

My New Hero

Ari Gold rules!!!

Enjoy...

Oh no, not another wedding...

I just came back from one... v(^_^)v

It was Kuya Rod and Angie's wedding day and as usual, I was moved by the event... I really do love weddings. Even if sometimes, it's like a rude awakening about my being perpetually single. *sigh* It doesn't matter really. Aside from the fact that I have a very good reason to be totally dolled up and gorgeous (hehe!) , there is this overwhelming and poignant (Gian, borrow the term ha?!? ehe..) atmosphere that I only get to experience during weddings. It was so nice to see how two different families gather and say all sorts of heartwarming greetings and sweet gestures of welcoming.

It was good 'coz it made me forget all my work-related angst and I've never felt better. =)

My sister caught the bouquet and I was teasing her about it being a premonition... she has to get married... fast! I am excited to be her 'Maid of Honor' All my life, I've never been really a bridesmaid... yup, at 25! My last participation in a wedding was like 20 years ago as a flower girl in a family friends' wedding...and they're not even my relatives. Haha... pathetic.

Can't help but wonder... when will my day come? I guess it is too soon to think about it, considering that well, I have yet to find my groom. Curious... curious... God, I know you love me and you'll give me someone worth the wait. =) I've always imagined what a perfect wedding would be (at least for me). It will be a beach or a garden wedding. I'd like it to be intimate with only the closest of my family and friends present. Everything would be a glimmering white... my gown, my entourage's outfit, the flowers... everything. That is exactly how I dreamed about it. Fancy.

uhmmm... present!

yup... I'm still alive! tee-hee...

and so i've been missing in action for quite some time. can't help it, i am a very busy person. naks! really, no kidding... ive been tormented with too much work this week. since i went back to malaysia, i feel like i've been zapped into a small ball of anti-social fury. the office must have love me so much that it can't wait to have me back. a lot of problems were waiting for me. but anyway, everything seems to settle in slowly; thank God.

however, i feel a little bad about being too angry. i had a small 'fight' with my friend 'G' and we didn't speak for like two days. all these immature 'walang-pansinan' mode just because of a stupid misunderstanding. i really believe in 'what ifs'. anyway, i am also in a not-so bubbly mode these days but ironically, (and i'm seriously happy about it) i am gaining back my appetite. aza... aza... fighting!!! hehe. glutton mode on. =)

then yesterday morning, my head was chopped off by the offensive rantings by the ogre.. it almost rolled off the floor. and the mongrel used the 'F' word on me again! I almost exploded but thank God (you really love me, don't you?) i was able to control myself and yea, i still have my job. again, i don't wanna talk about work because it's not pretty right now.

then there's this friend who's been acting like a totally self-absorbed asshole these days. he really got on my last nerves the other day and yesterday and even today. sad though, i miss the old him. i swear, i would nag him 'till i can't no more when i have the chance.

okay... *kilig* mode on. i was talking (more like YM-ing) with the pretty dude a while ago. gusto ko lang sabihin... pampaganda ng mood. haha! nah, but i really appreciate his efforts to keep in constant communication with me. how he changed from being cold and distant to warm and sweet friend (naks, friend daw)... actually i am hoping for something more. hehe. wishy-wishy. dear guardian angel, make my wish come true *wink*wink...

Finding KJW

At last, I got an update about the whereabouts of kim jae won... hehe... heard he's just done an MV with Taiwanese singer Jolin Tsai...Here's a clip...

Looks like he lost some pounds... got a bit skinnier but cute (for me!) just the same v(^_^)v

Airport bummer

What can I possibly be doing on a Monday afternoon? The usual thing would be finishing some work at my workstation while strongly fighting the urge to snooze even for just a bit. Or I'll be having a late lunch. But today is different.

Today, at 2pm in the afternoon, I am [indian] sitting at the arrival lounge of KL International Airport, luggages in tow while listening to the hubbub of the people scuttling around me. I am watching sweet time pass me by as I immerse myself in a world that I had never seen before. Here, I am alone. I hear people talking but there is just no way to decipher their words; I can't understand them. Here I sit furiously typing at my laptop, thinking what I would do for the rest of the day, kind of feeling hostaged in a foreign land. I am so desperate to go home.
What can possibly g wrong after an unforgettable weekend? I thought by now, my plane would be kissing the Philippine soil already and I'd be back in the comforting sheets of my bed in about two hours. I didn't see it coming. I was so sure everything would be fine. But then...

I missed my morning flight back to Manila. My flight was at 10:20 this morning and I arrived here at the airport at 10am. After all the arrangements and preparations with my transportation, everything felt like it went wrong.

Stories later... Gotta catch the Express Train back to Sentral... haay.

darn.

And though I am friggin' (what does friggin' mean anyway?) annoyed by you...

yup... yup... yup...

Amishu.

Three days and counting...

I've been staying in Malaysia for three days now but I haven't actually been around much. The farthest I got was when I had meetings in the Subang Jaya area where I literally spent my whole day at. I thought I will get lost because I had to take a cab from destination 1 to the Subang Parade mall. I'd say it was some sort of an adventure - being in a foreign land, all by yourself. Sure I have a super nice officemate who makes an effort to drive me to and from my hotel and the office but the point is I want to walk the streets of KL and take lots of pictures and just enjoy the fact that I am really here. It' just so sad, I can't do that now 'coz of work and I don't really wanna ask the favor from the people here. Pfftt..

Tomorrow's another day and it has a promise. I will finally see the Twin Towers... the conference I'll be attending will be held at the Kuala Lumpur Convention Center which is like one fart away or something.. so, yey.

Anyway, I met this guy at the airport on my way here. He's an American or something... not really sure but he's actually nice. Been asking me out to dinner since I got out of the plane. Err... a little off I'd say so no, thanks.

What I'm really excited about this whole KL thing is my weekend. Not because I'd be seeing E for the first time again in months (who am I kidding?hehe) nah, no sh*t, but come weekend, I'll be able to go around without even thinking about work and stuff... and not bothering about wearing office outfit which is so darn a stress! I've only brought a few pairs of clothes... hay.

updates laterz...